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Original poster

Was I harsh telling my friend this about her situation?

55 replies

GrilledPineapples · Yesterday 17:40

My friend became pregnant after a one night stand with a married man. She decided to keep the baby.

He wanted to stay with his wife and so it was agreed that he would attend appointments and the birth. I warned her it would be difficult and messy. His wife went with him to the appts and then they left each time when my friend said she only wanted him in the room with her.

When it came to the c section date. He didn’t turn up and the wife messaged to say they had decided that in order to save their marriage he couldn’t be involved. I had to rush last minute to be with her instead as she had nobody else to be her birth partner.

She wants me to try to speak to him as he has blocked her. The only ‘contact’ is him sending money every month (baby is 4 months old now)

I’ve told her that no, I won’t help anymore. She knew he was married and pursued him and I’m not going to get involved anymore as I don’t actually agree with what she did at all, that I have kept quiet till now but I just can’t anymore. On a practical level I’ll help but I’m not interested in what seems to be her attempt to sabotage his marriage. She needs to keep things calm and stable for her child and pursue things legally if necessary (can she go to court for contact ?) he’s paying her so it’s at least not a maintenance issue. She said I’m harsh ?

OP posts:
MeganLewis1 · Yesterday 19:24

the wife is ridiculous for staying with a cheater.

the only one I feel sorry for is that poor baby :(

CeramicRoses · Yesterday 19:25

He’s a dick who can’t keep it in his pants, that’s a given. But there’s a wife they’ve both caused immeasurable hurt to, and now she’s adding to this hurt by not only having the baby, but trying to get him to engage in a partner’s role. I couldn’t stick around to support this.

Nofeckingway · Yesterday 19:29

What a mess. The only thing she can force him to do is pay the correct amount of maintenance. He can not be forced to take an interest in or have contact with the poor unfortunate child . If she continues to try and contact him he could take her to court for harassment. Hopefully she will learn to focus on her responsibility to her child .

Dweetfidilove · Yesterday 19:31

You weren't harsh at all, and your friend needs to quickly grasp that this will be her/baby's life.

bowchicawowwow · Yesterday 19:40

Poor wife. You weren’t harsh and she’s not someone I would want to be friends with, her morals (and his) are awful.

Leonoraeyre · Yesterday 19:45

You've made the right decision. The man is fulfilling his obligations by paying maintenance. She can't expect any more under the circumstances.

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · Yesterday 19:54

You weren’t harsh, she needed a wake up call (doubt it will work). With what you say about her pursuing him and being in contest with his wife: I do actually know two women who make a beeline for men who are taken and get satisfaction from being able to tempt the men away and are benchmarking themselves against the men’s partners. It’s barmy behaviour. He’s obviously wise to her game now. Gosh what a mess. Respect to the wife for going to the scans and them leaving together when she refused to let her in - I think maybe your friend wanted a private moment with him without the wife to entertain a different emotional reality about the pregnancy. Absolutely not something you want to get involved with, I could see it escalating tbh

Silverbirchleaf · Yesterday 20:00

Well done on speaking up, and stating that you’re not getting involved. It’s not your battle and it’s good to state your boundaries.

Did she think what you said was harsh, or how you said it?

OldrNWisr · Yesterday 20:04

I would have to distance myself from a bloody mess like that. Abominable behaviour all round. That poor baby.

Sassylovesbooks · Yesterday 20:11

You weren't being harsh at all. Your friend had a one-night-stand with a married man, and became pregnant. I'm not really sure what she expected from him to be honest?! She knows he's married. Did she think he'd dump the wife, she'd then run off into the sunset with him and play happy families?!

Instead of fixating on this man's wife and 'winning', she needs to concentrate on being the best Mum she can be. She can't force the man to be an involved Dad, and no Court will do this. He's paying child support (as he should) and that's about all she can expect.

You definitely shouldn't get involved by contacting the man. It's not your place or responsibility.

Aiming4Optimistic · Yesterday 20:18

This is a mess entirely of her own making. Tbh she's lucky he pays child support voluntarily - a lot of women in the wife's position would have thought 'fuck her', cut the money off and made her go to court to prove paternity. And many men would do what the wife wants because she is his priority and he doesn't want to get divorced! A vengeful wife could really put the boot in and your friend is lucky she's been decent and not obstructive at every turn.

I have no sympathy with someone who sleeps with a married man and then expects loads of commitment from him - he's already committed elsewhere, that's what married means! She chose to go ahead and have a baby - she should stop trying to trash this man's life and move on. Yes, he did a stupid thing but what the friend is doing is downright nasty.

LowlandLucky · Yesterday 20:27

Maia77 · Yesterday 17:48

I don't think it's harsh that you don't want to get involved and she shouldn't really expect you to. She is probably very emotional and maybe her decision-making is not great at the moment. She will have to process the loss of the relationship and allow herself to grieve so she could accept the situation and move on with her life.

Loss of what relationship, she had a ONS

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · Yesterday 20:47

Lightlyshatofficechair · Yesterday 17:53

Sabotage his marriage? He's done that perfectly well himself. What's with the misogyny on here always blaming a woman for a man's indiscretion? So he gets to be a completely absent father save for paying the maintenance he owes, but she's the one in the wrong? More fool the wife for staying with him.

Presumably neither bothered about birth control. She chose to have the baby which he probably didn’t want but doesn’t get a say either way. If she pursued him knowing he was married she may well have planned it and expected having a baby would tie him to her and he’d leave his wife. It’s backfired and she’s got to live with the consequences. At least he’s paying CM. She sounds like an utter shit.

Clydebuilt · Yesterday 20:50

Lightlyshatofficechair · Yesterday 17:53

Sabotage his marriage? He's done that perfectly well himself. What's with the misogyny on here always blaming a woman for a man's indiscretion? So he gets to be a completely absent father save for paying the maintenance he owes, but she's the one in the wrong? More fool the wife for staying with him.

I blame both.

wanttokickoffbutcant · Yesterday 20:57

GrilledPineapples · Yesterday 18:02

It’s just a horrible situation and I’ve tried to be kind but she seems determined to be in some kind of contest with his wife it’s more about winning than getting contact for her child and basing things around his needs and more to just be the ‘winner’ .

That's just awful. Sadly the only obligation he has is child support and the way you describe your friend it sounds best that he keeps away. She sounds a bit crazy.

OhMyGodSusan · Yesterday 21:08

Poor kid. Poor wife. You're in the right, your friend is clearly trying to wreck their marriage. I would warn her if she continues you won't continue the friendship as she's being very vindictive.

AnneLovesGilbert · Yesterday 21:16

God she’s an idiot. You were entirely right in what you said. What do you mean about her going to court? No court in the land can compel him to have contact with the child. Is that what you mean?

EveryoneUsingOutro · Yesterday 21:59

Maia77 · Yesterday 17:48

I don't think it's harsh that you don't want to get involved and she shouldn't really expect you to. She is probably very emotional and maybe her decision-making is not great at the moment. She will have to process the loss of the relationship and allow herself to grieve so she could accept the situation and move on with her life.

Relationship? It was one shag!

EveryoneUsingOutro · Yesterday 22:09

An no OP I don’t think you were harsh, I think you were very sensible and correct. Dont get involved and encourage her to focus on her child now, not him. It’s clear he isn’t interested.

DryadsRest · Yesterday 22:15

The mess is of the husband AND your friends making

it is reasonable that your friend who is vulnerable single with a newborn to expect some support from the husband

your friend didn’t get pregnant all by herself

it is cruel to not be there at last minute when his child is born.

your friend doesn’t need be punished especially now

bring a parent is challenging for anyone and single parents generally need more not less support

HappyOctober · Yesterday 22:25

It’s obviously both their faults, but her behaviour since makes me wonder how the ONS came about - how pushy she might have been - still no excuse for the man…

However, now being a new mother alone is very tough indeed. I don’t think I’d have survived that. Does she have any family support? I hope so. I think all you can do is make it very clear you don’t like her behaviour when she tries to get in touch with him.

Whoddathoughtit · Yesterday 22:30

You did the right thing I’d say by being clear that you would not be involved in her chasing this guy, just bear in mind that she is incredibly vulnerable right now. You don’t have to facilitate anything you don’t agree with but she will need her friends to support her right now, you can be be boundaried and also kind x

YourGreyOtter · Yesterday 22:33

You’re not harsh, you told her the truth. I agree you are doing the right thing not getting involved

MsSmartShoes · Yesterday 22:35

There are too many victims around this one man. The original post reads as if he’s a passive bystander- when he is in fact the central problem. I sincerely hope that both women realise how worthless he is.

JemimaTab · Yesterday 22:47

Are you certain there’s not more to it than a “one night stand”? As your friend does seem very intense about it if she’s focused on being the “winner” and sabotaging the marriage. And I don’t think you’d normally want to be entering into a relationship with someone you had a one night stand with, baby or not, as you wouldn’t know them. Was it an emotional affair or something like that?
Not that it changes anything although it might explain why she's acting the way she is.
It’s just a mess all round. And the child deserves to have a relationship with the father, so the child is the one who’s really going to miss out here.