Partner doesn’t believe I was raped

[amigoingmadd]

I’m in a state of disbelief so forgive any mistakes please. I need to know how to understand what has just happened or gain any insight into any of my own wrongdoing.

Partner was cross at me this morning because we made plans which I still wanted to go ahead with but he’s a bit hungover and reluctant. That’s the context. We were bickering.
The subject came up that I needed him to come with me to the shops (as planned yesterday), hinting that I’m some kind of dependent on him (I’m not). This descended into nastiness related to me being a sponge (I’m not). I made the point that if I were a goldigger or a sponge, I would’ve set my sights on a rich man. He then said I couldn’t do any better than him and why don’t I try (insert Rapist’s name here), which absolutely floored me. Why bring it up? It didn’t make sense in the context of the argument as he is unemployed.
I asked why my partner had brought up such a subject and he said ‘we both know it never happened anyway’. I’m sick to my stomach. I was then told that I loved every minute, that if it were true I’d have gone to the police and that if I wanted to I could’ve stopped it and shouldn’t have been at the rapist’s house in the first place. I said everything he just told me is the reason I didn’t want to go to the police.
I told him I would have no reason to have ever made this up and confided it was anal rape. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he knows I’m not into it. I thought he would think twice, but he doubled down and said that back in the day, his friend had told everyone in the pub that I’d had anal sex with him and that he was going round high fiving everyone about it. I didn’t even know this! And it’s not even true.
Why is my partner doing this? he has never forgiven me for having a short relationship with a friend of his, prior to meeting him. Tells me I’m a slag because of it. He called me a slag in the above exchange about the rape, as a reason for not believing me. I asked him how he could be with someone who he thinks would lie about something like this and he said he doesn’t know and is ‘rethinking everything’. I walked out of the coffee shop in disgust and am now dreading him coming home. What the fuck am I meant to do with all this information he’s given me about myself? I didn’t realise he was sitting on all these horrible thoughts.

You told him to move out. You need to follow through. Also, you are being naive thinking you are not in any danger. He clearly hates you and is fuelled by resentment. And now add to that you are wanting to leave him. If he starts to take you seriously, you could very easily be in danger.

You don’t need to vindicate yourself or make him see anything. You know the truth. He probably knows it too but he is using the situation to hurt you. It’s a low blow in anyone’s book. He is a horrible person - if you knew he would do this when you first met him, you would walk away. Make a plan to do that now.

What a disgusting excuse for a man! How he can throw you being sexually assaulted in your face is beyond cruel! I've also been a victim and I know how hard it is too go through this kind of pain, please don't stay with him your a strong person obviously!

I agree OP
I don’t want to alarm you but I have a very bad feeling about him too
I’d call family violence line or women’s aid for advice, you can delete the number from your phone
Call them and share everything, see what they say
Men like this can escalate especially when they realise you’re leaving for real
it’s a trigger point
Be safe

please don't spend energy wondering how to make him understand. Please please please find your energy to understand why you are with him. he's not your friend, he's another, different, form of an abuser. It is absoutely, totally and without any room for doubt, unforgiveable what he has done. i hope you know that, deep down, and can act on it. nothing is more improant than your safety, and he has just shown you that you are not safe with him. There is no excuse, no reasoning, no amount of apologising, that anyone can do after saying something like that. Please please leave.

I think you do have a reason to fear physical violence. Sorry OP, but you never thought your rapist would rape you (why would you?), you never thought your partner felt the way he felt (again why would you?). You don’t know him the way you thought he did or what he might try or find funny to try in the night. You have said you wonder if he is well in the head. Please sleep in one of your children’s rooms tonight.

Vile bastard. You've delt with far far worse than him and survived. You'll get rid of him and come out stronger. I believe you will 100%.
This prick was just passing through.
Get your home back when you can safely.

I don't actually think he disbelieves you, OP. I do wonder if he wants to end the relationship and this is his way of going about it: being as cruel as he can to you.

Absolute wanker.

Please know that his verbal abuse of you, is emotional abuse of your poor son.

You all deserve so much better.
Especially you.

You're asking the wrong questions. You don't need to convince him of anything. The better question is why you want to be with someone who is weaponizing very sensitive, personal and painful information to use against you in an argument.

My own husband would never ever do that, no matter how angry he was at me. And I would never do the same to him. There are lines you never cross with people you love. Find someone who deserves you; this guy is utter scum.

Exactly
just leave
no ifs, buts or maybe’s here

I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you can leave soon an safely. This is so so horrifying

This.
He's beyond Cruel. You are not married and its your house.
Dump him.

I agree.
He said all that for a reaction.
I bet this isn't the first time he's made snyde remarks like that, but perhaps not as openly.. just enough to make you wonder if you are over reacting.

Imagine someone was telling you this about themselves, what would you say to them, I bet you'd tell them to leave. This man is disgusting, insensitive, mysogynistic and any number of other very awful things, just walk and don't look back

Turf him out, OP, then get therapy if you can. You need help to raise the bar for male behaviour off the floor.

You have nothing to prove to anyone Op, but you are going to have to be strong because when you leave, and I hope you do, there is every chance this man will try to blacken your name to justify his behaviour. Hold your head high and walk free

I am so sorry what an absolute bastard.

Youve wasted 10yrs on this low life, waste no more time on him. He doesnt love or respect you. I hope you dont love him cos he honestly doesnt deserve you.

Big hugs x

what a creep and sounds like he has the mindset as a rapist himself no respect for women get rid of this parasite

I would very definitely be recording him. You need to listen to what he has said to you when you start to believe it was not as bad as all that and it can be helpful for domestic violence orders.

I am so very sorry he's doing this to you. For whatever reason, he just hates you. Please get away from him asap.

And as for safe - until yesterday you didn't think he'd deny rape and accuse you of loving it. You really do not know what he is capable of, sorry to be so blunt.

He is absolutely repulsive. I really don’t have the words for how contemptible he is. He wanted to hurt you in the most humiliating way possible and picked his words to do just that. LTB.