How can I fix my jealousy? Worries it will destroy my relationship

[roslyn80]

I dont even know what im expecting to people to say to me, I just know I cant go on like this any longer. I've been in a relationship for a few years now and we have had our ups and downs and it has really only got serious in the last year or so. But my jealousy is a huge issue and im not sure how to resolve it.
We're both in our forties so im not a child but I have to work so hard to keep this under control. If we're out somewhere and I see him even glancing at another woman I have to restrain myself from saying something, even when he has probably just been looking round the room.
I have to check his social media, its like I can't stop myself- and if he dares to follow someone good looking even when it's related to his hobby I feel this anger and want to lash out and finish things.
He hates me being jealous and he does reassure me that he cares about me and wants to be with me and isn't interested in anyone else which feels so good to hear at the time. I know he wont put up with my crazy accusations over nothing much longer though.
I know its not normal and I know I need to fix it otherwise he will end our relationship because this isn't healthy.
As I said, things have only become more serious in the last year and we've never had a conventional relationship. Maybe he was with other people at the start of our relationship, im not sure.
I know a lot of it is my issues and my insecurity and not feeling good enough etc and people say work on this but I dont know how. I also know that i am probably obsessed with him tbh.
Ive been seeing a counsellor but it hasn't made any difference, I haven't got anything out of it so far.
I think I need some practical advice from sensible women because I can get so carried away with my emotions and overthinking and it's like I can't stop myself.
We are happy together the vast majority of the time and I know its a me issue, I just dont know how to fix it.

What hobby does he do that requires him to follow good looking women on social media OP?

You're right OP, it is rooted in self esteem and self worth and you need to start addressing those issues ultimately. But I'm guessing what you need is a quick fix to sort out the intrusive thoughts before they really destroy your relationship.

Try and remember they are thoughts, nothing more than that - they are created in your head and have no more reality than that. If you can, write down exactly what you're feeling and what you think is happening and hopefully when you see it on your notes app on your phone or on a bit of paper you'll see that what's in your mind is actually different from the reality of the situation. It'll also help you to see if there ever IS anything actually going on.

Do you have ADHD or RSD OP? This sounds very similar to my experiences.

Its actually a fairly niche mostly male dominated hobby so some of the women on SM into tend to play on their looks a bit to attract a bigger following.
When I say he follows good looking women, out of hundreds of people he follows there's maybe 5 or 10. Although what he does on his private accounts im not sure as he had to block me as I was acting crazy even about friends he had.

If he is following women who have to use their looks rather than expertise in the hobby to attract followers then i think you have reason to be unhappy that your partner is showing interest in them.

Thank you for this, this really helps and it helps to know that someone understands how I feel.
I think its fairly likely I have ADHD or RSD although ive never been tested
Sometimes worry it's closer to borderline personality disorder or more of an issue that counselling can't fix.
I do need to remind myself that these are just thoughts in my head and I make up these scenarios that aren't real and make it into something more than it is.
I will try writing it down and it will maybe help me realise how ridiculous im being, thank you

I wish he wouldn't follow those type of accounts but I suppose im also not naive enough to think that most men don't enjoy looking at pretty women. There's very few out there who have eyes only for their partner.
He's certainly not bad and not following girls in bikinis etc and I cant say anything without sounding jealous.

Have you been hurt in the past?

Do you work? Have friends? Kids?

Basically I am asking whether you are so worried about this because he’s all you have

It sounds to me as if CBT might be helpful, which is good because it’s about the only kind of therapy that’s more accessible on the NHS. In my area you can self refer, maybe just google your area and ‘talking therapies’, see what comes up.

In general I believe in acceptance. If someone wants to be with you, they will be, and if they want to be with someone else, nothing you can do will stop them. I’m not sure if that counts as ‘radical acceptance’ but maybe? Anyway, I sometimes find elements of mindfulness helpful when I am feeling pain and jealousy - being outside, feeling the sensations of living. If you google Leaves on a Stream, it’s a practice I have found helpful, again based on thoughts not being the same as reality.

Well personally if I thought my partner was following women just because he found them attractive I would not be happy. Especially if, as you say, they are using their looks specifically to attract male followers. I would think less of him and I would think he is being disrespectful because he is window shopping.

However, if you can tell yourself that this is normal behaviour in a supposed monogamous relationship for you partner to look at other women fair enough. But you can't have it both ways: either you are happy for him to look at other women because they are attractive or you are jealous and you aren't happy.
If his behaviour following these women upsets you perhaps this relationship isnt for you. You can't stop him doing what he is doing.

What’s your “ups and downs” been about?

Maybe you could say more about his behaviours and go into more detail about the unconventional relationship?

I have really high self esteem and confidence I also have a high bar. I wouldn't date someone who was following those kind of profiles on social media either.

Maybe you do have work to do on yourself op but maybe this partner also has behaviours that aren't compatible for the relationship you're looking for.

This was how my ex was it got worse to the point i could not watch tv and say ohh he looks nice,even getting served in a shop with a man ticked him off, be friendly just saying hi to a dog walker ticked him off.
Looking around a room i get that my ex would say who you are looking at, it was to much.

My advice to your partner is run before it gets worse, my advice to you op is get help any help, before you become my ex.

I've never been left for anyone, most of the relationships ive been in i wasn't jealous at all but those were with people I wasn't as into so there wasn't that same level of investment from me.
My relationship with my ex husband was awful though, i was crazy about him too but he became emotionally abusive and im fairly sure he cheated on me but could never prove it. It took me years to get over it and this is the first relationship ive really had since and ive fallen for him hard which i think sparks my worry that he will find someone better and leave me.
I dont think its so much that ive been hurt in the past as I know i have self esteem issues but not sure where they come from.

and im fairly sure he cheated on me but could never prove it.

so yes. Hurt before and trust derailed.

OP putting him aside - what’s life like? This smacks of someone who’s made this man the centre of their world

I dont think its so much that ive been hurt in the past as I know i have self esteem issues but not sure where they come from.

an emotionally abusive ex who you are certain cheated on you just for starters

I do work and have great kids who are older now, not many friends as im a bit of an introvert but a couple of very close ones.
He has become a bit of a focus in my life though and I know im maybe a bit more into him than I should be. I know i can be intense at times and wish I could just be more relaxed and easygoing about things.

You sound like me in my 20's, it's such a powerful, horrible, and destructive emotion, isn't it?
I remember actually slapping my xdp, whilst he was driving because a woman with blonde hair walked by. 😱I don't even think he noticed her.
I was so ashamed after that.
I really don't know what changed in me, in my 30's. I think my self-esteem and confidence just improved.
Work on yourself, op, to rid yourself of this monster
Good luck x

Write down everything you’re worried about, quickly without too much thought, then go back to the list and write what could be the opposite of your worry.

do the same the next day and then look at the previous days list, notice how many of those worries were actually not true.

repeat.

I had a relationship with a very jealous person. I was mid 30s, he was 40. It killed our relationship and I ended it.

He used to do what you describe: if I looked around, a shop, a restaurant, in street – he was convinced that I was looking at men. So I would try not to do it. But then other things would trigger him… got to the point that we didn’t go out anymore because I was on tenterhooks, paranoid I was going to do something ‘wrong’. The more I tried to appease him, the worse and more controlling he became.

What you said about being fairly sure your ex cheated on you: after I ended my relationship, he told friends he was sure I had cheated on him. He was incessantly going on about me cheating on him while we were together: I had never cheated on him.

Schema therapy might help you, OP. Often we can have very intense 'schema chemistry' with people who are somewhat emotionally unavailable- this sounds like your ex and also your current partner (blocking you on SM rather than trying to reassure you by unfollowing these accounts, taking a long time to get serious etc). This gives that feeling of obsession youre talking about and the vicious cycles of acting out, then feeling ashamed, and the shame fuelling the low self esteem. I would definitely sack off the counselling and look into more targeted therapies.

I worked on this with a therapist a few years ago. When you feel jealous, try to breathe and ask yourself if a boundary has genuinely been crossed (e.g. you see him flirting with someone) or if it just FEELS big but you know he's not actually done anything wrong.

The next step is important - don't shame yourself for feeling this way. We tend to view jealousy as a "bad" emotion which only adds to your negative self esteem. It's a normal human emotion but it's not necessary in this situation, so we can work on letting it go.

Breathe and show up as the partner you want to be. Allow the feeling to rise and fall on its own. Be really kind to yourself and hold the feeling gently inside you.

(If you feel there has been a line crossed or a conversation about boundaries feels necessary, you can choose to talk to him when you're both calm instead of exploding in the moment.)

Thank you, I didnt realise you can self refer so I will look into this and i will check out leaves on a stream too.
But you are right about if he wants to be with someone else there would be nothing i could do to stop him, I think for me its almost like a fear or a need to control the future sometimes.
This does seem to be the only thing that helps me, is talking myself down and trying to be logical and dispel the emotion and wait for it to pass. I know he wouldn't be with me if he didnt want to be and I actually dont think he would be the type of person to cheat so it does sometimes help to rationalise it but I still hate feeling the emotion.

Not all counsellors can help everybody, so if your current counselling isn't helping you, then maybe you could try someone else instead?

I dont particularly like him following those women but telling him not to will be seen as jealous and controlling. The same way I cant tell him not to go to work or go out because there may be attractive women there.
Its not that I don't trust him, I think its just that I am so into him, and i think he's so great that he could have his pick of women so why would he want to be with me.