How can I fix my jealousy? Worries it will destroy my relationship

[roslyn80]

I dont even know what im expecting to people to say to me, I just know I cant go on like this any longer. I've been in a relationship for a few years now and we have had our ups and downs and it has really only got serious in the last year or so. But my jealousy is a huge issue and im not sure how to resolve it.
We're both in our forties so im not a child but I have to work so hard to keep this under control. If we're out somewhere and I see him even glancing at another woman I have to restrain myself from saying something, even when he has probably just been looking round the room.
I have to check his social media, its like I can't stop myself- and if he dares to follow someone good looking even when it's related to his hobby I feel this anger and want to lash out and finish things.
He hates me being jealous and he does reassure me that he cares about me and wants to be with me and isn't interested in anyone else which feels so good to hear at the time. I know he wont put up with my crazy accusations over nothing much longer though.
I know its not normal and I know I need to fix it otherwise he will end our relationship because this isn't healthy.
As I said, things have only become more serious in the last year and we've never had a conventional relationship. Maybe he was with other people at the start of our relationship, im not sure.
I know a lot of it is my issues and my insecurity and not feeling good enough etc and people say work on this but I dont know how. I also know that i am probably obsessed with him tbh.
Ive been seeing a counsellor but it hasn't made any difference, I haven't got anything out of it so far.
I think I need some practical advice from sensible women because I can get so carried away with my emotions and overthinking and it's like I can't stop myself.
We are happy together the vast majority of the time and I know its a me issue, I just dont know how to fix it.

OP, you need and deserve someone who makes you feel safe, secure and loved. This guy isn't it.

No wonder you feel so insecure after what you've gone through.

I have an issue with women who denigrate other women's efforts by sexualising themselves and their videos just to increase their (male) following.

why? They’re employing a proven successful sale tactic 🤷‍♀️

I can't imagine being in a relationship where my partner patrols my social media and has to hold it together if I was to even look at someone of the opposite sex. This would be a deal-breaker for me op, and I wouldn't be surprised if it is for him too unless you seek urgent support.

@roslyn80 I (M59) had jealousy issues. I recommend "Overcoming Jealousy" by Dr Windy Dryden. You'll need to put some effort into solving this problem.

I feel it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other. Yes its an urgent you problem and you need to sort it, but also unavailable people who do the hot/cold intermittent shit can destabilise even a well-rounded person. The trick is to realise how mental they make you and cut them off.

unavailable people who do the hot/cold intermittent shit can destabilise even a well-rounded person.

So much this! I was a weeping, suspicious, self-critical wreck. After our very short marriage ended, I told him "I wasn't insecure before I met you."
"I know", he said with a very small smirk.

The trick is to realise how mental they make you and cut them off.

I barged through a whole parade of red flags, they were even waving on our wedding day. I fear you have done the same, OP. I imagine you aren't ready to admit this yet, being locked on a mission to become 'good enough' by training yourself to ignore red flags more completely. Thing is, we can't heal old wounds by repeatedly stabbing ourselves with a similar weapon.

A better counsellor should be able to help you understand how you first got these wounds (it often goes back further than the first abusive relationship we chose) PLUS give you tools to help deal with the burning emotions and the triggers that light them. She should also be able to help you envisage your ideal relationship.

What would your ideal relationship look like?

I don’t see women acting in anyway they want whilst enjoying a hobby, etc. as a slight on me or women in general. Isn’t that the whole point, not dictating how women can and can’t act. People online do many things to increase followings, that’s literally the whole point of making online content. I do think misogyny does play a part in your feelings. You’re reducing women to just being sexy and being a thing for men to look at. So much so you think that’s what your partner is doing all the time.

Given you've chosen another emotionally unavailable man to have a relationship with you could probably benefit from reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

I found it so helpful and learnt so much about myself as well.

Self esteem issues often begin much earlier than you realise. Was there a big rejection or feelings of not being 'enough' in your early years?

Was there an emotionally distant or highly critical parent?

So think of worst case scenario. He leaves you for someone else. Being weirdly possessive wont change that and may be a key factor!
If I thought my husband has gone through my phone that would be a deal breaker I would be off like a shot you are supposed to trust each other

I'm in it!

The Renovator and Florence Nightingale are the Fallback Girls who try to get their guys to change and love to fix/heal/help guys they perceive to be beneath them, or wounded guys with issues.

Here's my weird short-term husband:

blowing hot and cold, to using you for sex, and refusing to recognise his poor behaviour, and learn why issues such as poor emotional schooling and an over inflated ego will be keeping him the way he is. Discover exactly how he manages down your expectations and even manipulates you into doing exactly what he wants.

And here's what I did!

you tie in with emotionally unavailable men by allowing them to turn the tables around you causing you to become ‘the pursuer’ and refusing to listen because you’re like a ‘disgruntled customer’, plus many more behaviours that are in sync with all of his behaviours.

Thank god that's over. What the fuck was I thinking??!!

Oh wow, that's amazing.

When I last read the book 4 years ago I discovered I was a Florence Nightingale....it was such a shock as I was convinced the book would tell me how to be in a relationship with these emotionally unavailable men but it didnt 😱

I ended that relationship I was in at the time ...but didnt learn and I've just ended a relationship-lite/situationship and recognised I'd slipped back into old patterns 🤦‍♀️
Will read the book again...and try and learn

Don't encourage her. Following attractive people on social media is perfectly reasonable social media behaviour and is not an excuse for a controlling person to explode at their partner. OP has a pathological level of jealousy and validating any of that is not helpful.

I think you have to take a bit of responsibility here. You're anxiously attached and you go for avoidants. If you know this about yourself and you know you have a pattern, it's on you to change the pattern. Easier said than done of course.

Well, would it help to think that, while you obviously find him attractive, he’s unlikely to be the sought-after Adonis you think him?

Hi OP I felt a bit like this in my last relationship. Turns out that despite ‘surface level’ reassurance. He was actually using triangulation with other women (mainly exes) intentionally as well as intermittent reinforcement ti keep me insecure. I didn’t even know these were a thing.

I was deeply ashamed of how I felt and he knew this and weaponised it. Even though I never acted on it.

Not saying your guy is like this but if this is out of character for you then there may be other contributing factors.

Sounds similar to my ex. His female ‘best friend’ he wouldn’t let me meet. Me finding all manner of used sex aids which I now wonder was deliberate and I was meant to find them . My shame and guilt when i couldn’t control my temper when I wasn’t getting answers which was then used against me and had ME being the one crawling back and apologising. It’s been a year now and I'm still so pissed off with myself

Sorry you went through this 😔 he sounds highly manipulative.

Thanks . Just goes to show it’s not only the avoidant and emotionally unavailable ones as he was quite the opposite and in every other way absolutely wonderful , which always left me thinking ‘what the fuck is going on here???!!’

This sounds like emotional OCD. I had mild OCD and it flares up if I’m anxious, I have a thing about something happening to the house of I don’t check everything before I leave etc etc. DH basically went “well yes theres a chance the house burns down at some point, it’s not the end of the world”

Could it help to just accept that he may very well leave you at some point and you will survive? I know it sounds counterintuitive but the fear is that he’s going to dump you, how about accepting thats a possibility but you won’t die (I know when you are in love it feels like you will, but you won’t). You can’t force someone to stay with you and you know that, trying to control their attention will increase the likelihood of them leaving just accept thats he is where he wants to be and if he doesn’t want to be there he will go and theres zero you can do to control that so you may as well enjoy what you have now. The past doesn’t exist and the future is just fantasy, you are imagining scenarios where he may leave instead of enjoying your life in the moment.

Yes mine also had his good points! They didn’t however outweigh the bad ones!

i can empathise, I’ve felt like this (new relationship after my 20 year relationship broke down)
I did the checking social media, needing constant reassurance, worrying and catastrophising if he didn’t respond to messages quick enough, if he sounded a bit ‘off’ - tired etc but I would turn that personal and worry I’d done something wrong, that he was fed up of me… he honestly was nothing but lovely, reassuring and patient but as you say, the relief from reassurance would be short lived.

best thing I did was to find my own hobbies, limit my social media - I turned off all online visibility so I couldn’t check when he was last online/active and then assume he was ignoring me.

I’ve also reassured myself regularly that, if the relationship ends, if something happens, I would get over it. Yes I’d be devastated and hurt, but I’ve worked on building confidence that it would not be the end of the world because I have things outside of my relationship to be content with - I have family, friends, hobbies, and I actually learned to enjoy being comfortable in my own company

have you tried some mindfulness courses, they may have strategies for calming yourself before you spiral. If I feel myself about to wobble, I start talking to myself logically and reassuring myself rather than free falling into a panic and lashing out

essentially - this might be the totally wrong way but it’s worked for me - I’ve started thinking of the relationship as something that compliments my life rather than it BEING my life

good luck, I hope you find a way to be more settled and confident 💜

I really don’t think that women will be clamouring for your boyfriend @roslyn80 so I doubt you have anything to worry about in terms of other women (aside from I suspect you boyfriend himself)

Thank you, this has made me reevaluate a bit

I think some of it is definitely reactive to how things were at the start, its taking me a while to feel I can trust him completely and i do wonder if some of my feelings and doubts are still justified.
Aside from the emotional unavailability he is perfect and we do care about each other a lot.