How can I fix my jealousy? Worries it will destroy my relationship

[roslyn80]

I dont even know what im expecting to people to say to me, I just know I cant go on like this any longer. I've been in a relationship for a few years now and we have had our ups and downs and it has really only got serious in the last year or so. But my jealousy is a huge issue and im not sure how to resolve it.
We're both in our forties so im not a child but I have to work so hard to keep this under control. If we're out somewhere and I see him even glancing at another woman I have to restrain myself from saying something, even when he has probably just been looking round the room.
I have to check his social media, its like I can't stop myself- and if he dares to follow someone good looking even when it's related to his hobby I feel this anger and want to lash out and finish things.
He hates me being jealous and he does reassure me that he cares about me and wants to be with me and isn't interested in anyone else which feels so good to hear at the time. I know he wont put up with my crazy accusations over nothing much longer though.
I know its not normal and I know I need to fix it otherwise he will end our relationship because this isn't healthy.
As I said, things have only become more serious in the last year and we've never had a conventional relationship. Maybe he was with other people at the start of our relationship, im not sure.
I know a lot of it is my issues and my insecurity and not feeling good enough etc and people say work on this but I dont know how. I also know that i am probably obsessed with him tbh.
Ive been seeing a counsellor but it hasn't made any difference, I haven't got anything out of it so far.
I think I need some practical advice from sensible women because I can get so carried away with my emotions and overthinking and it's like I can't stop myself.
We are happy together the vast majority of the time and I know its a me issue, I just dont know how to fix it.

I know its not logical and i try very hard not to say anything, im aware all the time of attractive women on tv or when we're out and it's a battle in my head although I rarely say anything. It's exhausting feeling it all the time though. I know i need to fix it.

Absolutely a lot of my issues stem from this. We were together a long time and I was constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I did was ever right or good enough and we went through long periods with no sex. I put on a lot of weight with a health condition and then comfort eating and i knew he didnt find ne attractive at all.

It’s normal for men and women to glance at others, if it’s more than a glance then that’s different, i think what might help is to define your boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not.

If a glance turns into a stare or an attempt to communicate then maybe that’s less acceptable, have you had issues in the past where men have given you a reason to be insecure? I know my past relationships have made me a little bit more aware of certain situations.

Thank you so much x it really is such a powerful emotion and like you say, there isn't even always a reason behind it, it can be something just made up inside your own head.
I know what you mean about feeling ashamed, ive started rows over nothing and it is so destructive to a happy relationship.
I really want to try to work on it, im so glad that youve got over it!x

It took me years to get over it

I'd gently suggest that you're still getting over it, which sounds perfectly reasonable. It might be that you've sought out and become attracted to your current partner because he feels "familiar" or pushes a button for you that feels like a connection, but it's activating old wounds.

If your current therapist isn't helping, find another. You can also self refer through the NHS online, depending on where you live, and get on the waiting list for CBT potentially. Worth doing, even if you're waiting a while.

Ok this is not healthy. For a boyfriend to be the focus of your life. Especially one who seems a little… off

What’s the ups and downs been about?

We don't know that he's following them because of their looks though. You're assuming that, just like the OP.

I like lego. I follow a lot of accounts that post about lego on social media. Mostly they just post pictures of the lego. There's one in particular that is run by a very attractive woman. I know this because she tends to post pictures of herself with the lego. I don't follow her because she posts pictures of herself. I follow her because she unerringly seems to post pictures of sets I either used to have or covet when I was a kid.

Am I going to lie and say that I don't also enjoy the pictures of the attractive woman? No, of course not, I'm only human (although I do wish sometimes she'd just give some close ups of the bloody lego set.) But that's not why I'm following the account.

The same is true of my other big social media interest, roller coasters. Lots of accounts of rollercoasters, one or two of them are of rollercoasters and attractive women.

Might DP roll her eyes at me for liking these accounts? Yes. Is she jealous? No. Just like I roll my eyes at the fact that she thinks X-Men 3 and Lock Stock are the height of cinema just because she gets to lust after Vinnie Jones in them.

Weight lifting?

I think you also might want to rethink how you view women (and therefore yourself). It sounds like you put a lot of stock in how women look. It almost sounds like you are saying that attractive women can only like feminine things, not sports, or male dominated interests for example and if they do, they are only doing it to attract male attention.

Having worked in a male dominated industry all my life (and have quite a few traditionally male interests), I have seen how women have to prove themselves over and above men for daring to like something traditionally male. I think this attitude smacks of misogyny and jealousy.

Thank you, this sounds helpful because I know that what i worry about isn't actually true.

Im sorry to hear this, and I worry that it will end our relationship too. I dont want to feel like this and I definitely dont want to be controlling but I know that it is part of the jealousy.
I dont want to make him walk on eggshells anytime we're out or make him worry that something will set me off, its awful and unhealthy.

So, OP’s partner can only watch videos pertaining to his hobby if they feature men or unattractive women? That sounds rather controlling.

This !

Thank you, ive never heard of this before and will definitely check it out.
He is emotionally unavailable, as was my ex and this is probably why this happens as ive never been like this in other relationships.
It also wasn't the most stable relationship for the first couple of years, hot and cold and a lot of intermittent reinforcement which made it very intense for me and increased those feelings and very much limerance at the start.
I know im very much anxiously attached as well.
Yes the counselling just let's me talk but not actually figure out how to deal with it.

Where does it say the women are relying on looks rather than their own expertise?

how misogynistic to assume attractive women aren’t good at their hobbies/professions.

This is exactly what he says too and i do know this, I know that i look at hot guys too and my eye is drawn to them but its a glance, it doesn't make me think less of him or want to run away with them. He has told me that exact thing too and I know its true.
He doesn't stare or try to chat anyone up or anything like that, he's very respectful of my feelings and he actually does try to reassure me in many small ways.
Im much better than I used to be, its just quite distressing when I spiral off because I dont want to feel or act like that.

I think youre right, although he's very different from my ex. He treats me so much better and never makes me feel like im not good enough, he's very caring and considerate.
But I think he is emotionally unavailable like my ex which i think for whatever reason, just makes me want him more. Maybe it's to prove that im enough to be wanted or loved.

Or it could just be that OP's perspective is skewed due to her jealousy.
There will always be younger, fitter, better looking wonen around, if you cant trust your partner whether the fault lies with you or them, then its not a happy relationship.

There wasn't much commitment at the start, it was fun and intense but we didn't see each other often and I had no idea where i stood with him a lot of the time.

I don’t know op. If he’s been blowing hot and cold and is emotionally unavailable I wonder how much of this is reactive . Especially when you’ve had relationships where this jealously hasn’t been an issue.
I got like this in my last relationship but I wonder how different it might have been had there not been a number of red flags and gaslighting on his part . I know I should have ended it much earlier instead of ending up a jealous suspicious mess by the end

The more you post, the less satisfying this relationship sounds from your perspective. What about distancing yourself. Focussing more on your kids and friends and work. Building up more of a life beyond him

Haha this does sound quite similar to my partner, I know he likes looking at attractive women every so often but genuinely think he's more interested in his hobby!
Once the initial jealousy wears off i do almost feel like rolling my eyes a bit, at least until the next flare up, i would like to feel like that all the time.

I’m a bit confused about why you think he’s so amazing. He’s emotionally unavailable and makes you feel insecure. That’s not what I’d look for in a great relationship. The attractive women online are a red herring.

Also your counsellor is also weirdly emotionally unavailable if they just sit there and listen to you. You could do with someone warm and supportive who helps you get to the root of your issues and see other ways of looking at things and retrain an anxious mindset. Otherwise what’s the point you’d get no less talking to the wall and a lot more talking to Chat GPT. Find a better one OP and this time audition a few with one session each to see who can straight away offer you more. Counsellors Directory, Psychology Today and BACP all have lists of counsellors.

No it absolutely wasn't what I meant and I am definitely not a misogynist. I enjoy his hobby and other male dominated hobbies and I know other women do too.
I am aware that women have to work much harder to be accepted in a male dominated field and I have zero issue with him following women's accounts. I have an issue with women who denigrate other women's efforts by sexualising themselves and their videos just to increase their (male) following.