How can I fix my jealousy? Worries it will destroy my relationship

[roslyn80]

I dont even know what im expecting to people to say to me, I just know I cant go on like this any longer. I've been in a relationship for a few years now and we have had our ups and downs and it has really only got serious in the last year or so. But my jealousy is a huge issue and im not sure how to resolve it.
We're both in our forties so im not a child but I have to work so hard to keep this under control. If we're out somewhere and I see him even glancing at another woman I have to restrain myself from saying something, even when he has probably just been looking round the room.
I have to check his social media, its like I can't stop myself- and if he dares to follow someone good looking even when it's related to his hobby I feel this anger and want to lash out and finish things.
He hates me being jealous and he does reassure me that he cares about me and wants to be with me and isn't interested in anyone else which feels so good to hear at the time. I know he wont put up with my crazy accusations over nothing much longer though.
I know its not normal and I know I need to fix it otherwise he will end our relationship because this isn't healthy.
As I said, things have only become more serious in the last year and we've never had a conventional relationship. Maybe he was with other people at the start of our relationship, im not sure.
I know a lot of it is my issues and my insecurity and not feeling good enough etc and people say work on this but I dont know how. I also know that i am probably obsessed with him tbh.
Ive been seeing a counsellor but it hasn't made any difference, I haven't got anything out of it so far.
I think I need some practical advice from sensible women because I can get so carried away with my emotions and overthinking and it's like I can't stop myself.
We are happy together the vast majority of the time and I know its a me issue, I just dont know how to fix it.

Yes i know this and i know its not healthy, thats why im trying to resolve it before it does end our relationship

When you say he’s emotionally unavailable what do you mean? (Sorry if I’ve missed it upthread).

Thank you, i will check this out

Yes at this point im not sure if its issues leftover from the start of our relationship messing with my head or if its just me blowing things out of proportion. Obviously I know im acting irrationally too

A parent left when I was a child and i lived with a family member who was extremely critical and judgemental

I wish i could think that but I know that he's very popular with women, very handsome, charming, successful.
I think the jealousy stems from maybe not feeling good enough for him although I objectively know that i have good qualities too.

This^^
I can completely relate. I would ask your counsellor if they are able to help you start to challenge the beliefs that got formed decades ago, if they can't help then look into finding someone who can, even some online CBT/ attachment styles work if nothing else is available.

It's not an easy fix but you can start to rebuild your self-esteem so that you don't default to feelings of rejection/ abandonment at the slightest provocation.

No trust = No relationship.

Either you trust him or you don’t - and if you don’t you should leave him or you’ll drive both of you mad, and push him away.

I feel like you’re too old for this kinda stuff!

Another thing I will say is that, in my experience, whenever I’ve felt a bit insecure it was actually because the person I was with didn’t really love me. I used to feel compelled to check their phones etc so I could reassure myself (this was in my 20’s though).

I’ve had a few relationships, but now I’m married. When I met my husband I thought “ah, this is what it should be like!”. I trust him, I never check his phone, I don’t mind if he has female friends etc.
He actually properly loves me :)

Maybe that’s what you need to find.

Try CBT or a newish therapy called CFT OP, this must be affecting your life badly

I feel for you, I’m not as intense as you are (I wouldn’t even say I’m particularly jealous) but I do think a shaky start to a relationship can have long lasting consequences.

DP doesn’t have social media but I know I take even the tiniest rejection as a full blown disaster and we’ve had some massive arguments over very small things. I agree that a lot of it comes from poor self esteem and like you, I seem to be unhealthily into him. I am aware of it and I don’t like being like this, but it’s just how I feel even years down the line.

I don’t know why but last week it finally clicked in my brain that it can’t go on like this, I was absolutely fine when I was single and I have to make myself be fine again. Last week instead of starting an argument after rejection (basically he turned down sex - which I would have no problem with, except it makes me go into overdrive and catastrophise like he’s rejecting my entire existence or something) I just went somewhere else until I calmed down. I slept in the living room, DP was confused and came to look for me but I just said I was tossing and turning and didn’t want to bother him. I’ve been nice as normal since but I’ve decided I’ll never try to initiate again, his sex drive is much lower than mine and it always leads to issues for me, it hurts me to my core for whatever reason (even though, again, I’d generally be fine without sex and I was perfectly fine single).

He doesn’t sound the best whatever he is like now. I think maybe you should work on getting yourself stronger. For you though not for him. That way if he turns out to be a turd later down the line at least you will recognise it better and deal with it. I worry if he started with his nonsense again you would blame yourself and try to change your behaviour instead. Jealousy isn’t healthy. But neither is downplaying shitty or disrespectful behaviour.

I'd be in the right trouble if my partner thought the same way a lot of women on here think. Because I do follow a lot of sport scientists, competitive powerlifters and physios and 99% of them are very attractive men. That's not what I am following them for though and I very much doubt they use their looks to get followers. And I would take a dim view of my partner asking me to unfollow because it upsets him.
My ex did follow half-naked women who didn't offer any content apart from being half-naked. There is a big big difference.

@Catza And I would take a dim view of my partner asking me to unfollow because it upsets him.

Genuine question: why?