How should I handle my DH drinking issue

[Skunkyways]

Hi All, just looking for some advice. Been with DH for 8 years and have a 3yrs DS. Generally DH is a good partner, he helps around the house but works longer hours than me self employed and travelled away from home half of the time. Consequently, most of the mental load of DS and the day to day running of the house falls on me, which I don’t mind too much.
He does unfortunately have some negative habits around alcohol. Last Christmas we had all the family round and everyone was drinking which was fine but my DH kept disappearing upstairs and later on my parents found lots of mini bottles of whiskeys hidden around their bedroom. On another occasion at their house they offered him a drink which declined and said he didn’t fancy a drink, but he had bought himself a bottle of whisky and was going upstairs periodically to have a drink it . Naturally this behaviour is concerning and I’ve had words with DH, however he often goes 3-4months without drinking at all so I find it difficult to know how serious to take this and he says this a proof that doesn’t have a serious problem. Unfortunately there have been two instances of where this has impacted my DS. Recently my DH fell asleep when looking DS. It was about an hour where DS was wondering around the house doing what he wanted before DH woke up. ( my parents came home and found him flat out on the bed and took over DS care) He was very apologetic and cited exhaustion form early morning and late nights (true) but he had also had a few drinks( 3-4 he said). The second was when DS was 6months old, we were both at home at night time tidying up and suddenly DH seemed really drunk, he was holding the baby but bouncing off the walls, I had to take DS away and tell DH to go lie down. He didn’t drink for 4 months after this and I thought it had all settled down.

Now on the occasions he does have a drink this has made me feel on edge and find myself inadvertently monitoring how much he is drinking or checking the wine bottles to see if he is drinking extra. I cannot trust him to look after DS if he has a drink. It has also caused issue with DP. MY DH would like a better relationship with them, but unfortunately they have identified his drinking problems themselves and are now quite skeptical of him. They also feel he can be vague with answers and says one thing and does another ( this is true but often over minor things which individually don’t seem a problem but cumulatively seems odd)
This sporadic secretive and binge drinking is a problem but when he has a focus, like training for a fitness event he doesn’t drink at all, works hard, treats me a lot, is kind and is generally very good with DS and they adore each other. Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated it

You can't trust him to look after DS alone full stop. When you say you had words with him... hiding alcohol in this way suggests he has a very serious problem. He need to want to get some serious help or your relationship and that with his son are dead in the water

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic (4 yrs sober) your husbands behaviours are very similar to mine when I was in active alcoholism.

He is in denial and convincing himself he doesn't have a problem because he can be abstinent for a period of time. The problem is that he can't stay stopped, he will inevitably return to drink, and then one day hell find he can no longer stop at all. From what you've described, that day may be not far off.

An alcoholic cannot be reasoned, persuaded or loved into sobriety. They have to be miserable and desparately enough to grasp the hopelessness of the situation and get help themselves. The only thing you can do is decide what your boundaries are and take steps up protect yourself and your child. For example, you now know you cannot rely on him to look after your child alone, so you are effectively single parenting now.

Al-Anon is for families of alcoholics and may be of good use to you.
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

Either he admits he has a problem and gets help or you leave. Your priorities must be you and your child.

He’s away from the house working and you say he’s had 3-4 month breaks? He’s probably drinking when he’s away. Does he hide alcohol in his work car/van?

You can’t trust him alone with your child. I would ask him to go into a treatment plan and make it non negotiable to save the marriage. Otherwise leave.

'Bouncing off the walls....' Do you think drugs might be involved too?

Sounds more like he was stumbling because he was so drunk.

I very much doubt he is abstaining from drink for 3 to 4 months, I think he just manages to keep it more under control on those occasions.

the hiding miniatures away and the secret drinking is the sign of a deep issue with alcohol. and I would guess you can smell it on him most of the time too.

As the ex wife of a now dead alcoholic, I can say its unlikely to get any better unless he takes serious steps to help himself off this.

OP, if he's away half the time i think its incredibly likely he will have been drinking while he's away, maybe even drinking at home and hiding it. I've read lots of stories from partners of alcoholics where they had absolutely no idea their partner was drinking in secret, and it only came to light because of odd incidents like as you describe with the whiskey. You need to prepare yourself and do a bit of detective work.

Thank you for your replies.
@EvenMoreFuriousVexation did you start with sporadic drinking as well. When I google this it’s says it’s alcholol
misuse but doesn’t classify as being an alcoholic.

I know he can do months as when he has a fitness goal or event he trains really hard for it eats well and is totally dedicated to being healthy so he won’t drink at all. There are some months consecutively he is at home, and during Covid he worked from home the whole time. He hates drink driving and even if he’s had 2-3 on a weekend he will not drive until later the following more after 4pm, so never drinks on a work night. That I trust.
I think it’s confusing because these occasions I’ve listed are bad but beyond not drinking for several months there are also plenty of time we can enjoy 2-3 drinks at night on the sofa and nothing more so doesn’t drink the bottle dry each time

I rather suspect that when you think he isn't drinking he is - and probably when he's away too. Hiding bottles of whisky is proper alcoholic behavoiur. I'd suggest al-Anon. But if he's not safe to look after your son - you've got an issue.

I have been in this situation with small children. It is a nightmare, sorry you find yourself there. Agree with PPs re Al Anon- support and understanding is massively important. People who haven’t lived with this will not really understand and give you the wrong advice.

Agree also re You didn’t cause it, can’t cure it and can’t control it. This is for him. But - and this is the most important bit - you have to define and keep your own boundaries.

You can discuss this with him, but ultimately he needs to make a choice - to drink or not. And you have to make a choice if he carries on drinking - which is to stay or go. Realistically with a child you cannot live with this. It’s dangerous and means you can never leave them with him. But that is the choice you need to make. Sounds harsh but your child needs you to be strong here.

I left it too long; I also kept his behaviour secret, I was embarrassed I guess. But it’s his issue and he needs to own it- so make him.

By the way, the definition of an alcohol problem is not that you drink every day, it’s that alcohol is causing issues in your life and damaging your relationships. So don’t worry about whether he has a problem or not- think about whether his behaviour is causing problems to you.

N.C for this.
My DP was an alcoholic, now sober for years but I recognise so much if this. He was also able to do dry January and sober October but it was still an awful problem. He was functional until he wasn't.
I think I didn't realise how bad it was as it was a boiled frog situation. We had been party animals when young, so drinking lots and being a bit mad was a thing. Most people just thought oh what is he like etc. They were not actually supportive. But parties stop and then you are left with a drinking problem.
I think I slowly realised the dread I had around his drinking, I had sinking feelings looking in the bin seeing empty bottles and cans. I remember looking in his bag when he came back from the shops to see what kind of a night I was in for. He wasn't nasty or violent. He would sort of go quiet actually. But he could be belligerent. Obviously we argued, at least one night of every holiday was ruined. Everything we did had to include booze, cinema, shopping, everything. He would always cram in extra too, so have to get a drink at the shop after a night out. Could not let it go.
I didn't realise how much he was hiding too, 2 or even 3 pints at lunchtime at work. Every trip out of the house popping into the pub. He always had mini disasters with shops not having things or missing buses. All so he could cram in pints. At home he'd have a stronger drink in the kitchen whilst l'd see him only having a normal beer. I didn't realise all this for some time and he admitted It to me when he stopped.
It was very lonely.
When it was eventually getting totally out of control I found cans and bottles squashed in to all crevices possible in the bedroom. I reached a breaking point when he started drinking gin on a morning on a weekend. There were other issues too and he was losing his grip on reality and heading for a breakdown. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose the booze. And I looked for a flat on my own.
It took a long while for me to realise how bad this all was. He is sober now and we are together. I wish I'd left earlier to be honest. Not because it made him get sober but because I wasted lots of years tense, on edge and sad.
He spent time on his own, spiralled into drunken madness, no longer functioning, then realised he couldn't live like that anymore and got sober. Eventually we very slowly got back together. But it's not an approach I would advise for everyone.
He did it all himself, I think the Allen Carr audiobook was the biggest help rather than a group and certainly not the NHS. I feel confident in his sobriety, he has no desire to start drinking again. Our life is fuller and better, I don't dread doing things because he will use it as excuse to get pissed.
If I was to do it again I would leave earlier, you can't help addicted people. They drag you down, I still get flashbacks sometimes opening the bin! So it has an effect on you that lasts.

Thank you all it’s given me some good insight how to handle this
@Fleetheart did things work out for you and your children?

He is obviously one of these guys who cannot have one or two drinks: when he starts he cannot stop. Also he is not interested in having a social drink in company but is drinking to get drunk and whiskey is a potent drink. I'm afraid he is an alcoholic with all the hiding and secrecy.
The only way for him is to absolutely give up drink for good and with a child this is the only situation you can accept.

I also recognise a lot of this - the hidden mini bottles of vodka, the sudden and inexplicable drunkenness, the embarrassment of incidents in front of family and friends. I became hyper aware of what he was drinking, obsessed with trying to reduce or minimise it by moving glasses of wine out of reach, by trying to make him leave pubs earlier, by anger/tears/rational pleas. Nothing worked. He was functional until he suddenly wasn't. He was an angry drunk, ranting and shouting late at night, which tipped me into leaving with my 8 year old.

Within months he had lost his job, lost his driving license. He was also very anti drink driving - until I left, and he started doing it, even with my son. I couldn't believe it. Contact with my son completely stopped because he was drunk all the time.

6 years and two stints in rehab later he has been sober for 2-3 years. He would never have achieved that if I stayed, because I was propping him up and hiding the problems and keeping his life together, I wish I had left earlier.

He could also go for days weeks and months without drinking- until suddenly he couldn't any more

I didn't look into Al Anon until I left and it was a revelation, to see everything from that angle - it wasn't just what my ex was like - it was the pattern of all alcoholics, and absolutely not my fault or within my control to change

@Milkytoner This all sounds so depressingly familiar only DH would get nasty with the drink. Won’t go into full details because it’d take too long but he’s been sober now for 24 years. We have a lovely life that we couldn’t have had if he hadn’t stopped the drinking x

If you have a good relationship with your parents, then use that support, don't hide stuff from them, it's likely they are more aware than you are as they'll have an outside view point. Addicts lie, he'll be lying to you.

As the adult child of an alcoholic (now in recovery) who had to deal with the worst of the addiction, I would say this:

1. You cannot believe him when he says he’s only had 1 or 2/it’s not that bad. This is standard with people who misuse alcohol - there is every chance he says he’s has 2 but has secretly had more.
2. You cannot ever trust him with DS. He can be the nicest man in the world but if he wants or needs a drink, his judgement will skew towards telling himself whatever he needs to in order to make having a drink an ok choice.
3. You cannot make him stop. He can do that, there’s no point begging/shouting/issuing ultimatums for this.

In your shoes, knowing what I know, I would leave. You’re tying yourself in knots to show he’s not a bad person and may not meet some narrow definition of an alcoholic but good people have alcohol issues and you don’t need to fit in the box to be someone who isn’t safe to have around your child.
You can’t live your life on guard, and one day you’ll realise your DS is aware and doing it too, knowing that there are some days dad won’t play/come to a party/will react strangely to him. He’ll adjust his behaviour accordingly and it’ll break your heart OP.

If your DH wants to change, he’ll need to engage local addiction services and the GP - but again, that needs to come from him, not you.

Your DH drinking is clearly problematic particularly in terms of the safety of you DS. The secretiveness indicates he knows he has problem.
Have you asked him directly about his drinking?
What did he say eg: when he was unsafe with your DS?

Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

Talking to an alcoholic about his drinking us is complete waste of time.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason as everyone is affected. It’s also not so much the amount drunk and or frequency of consumption: the problem here is that his drinking is having bad effects on you and your son. He has failed to care for his son properly when drinking and you have become hyper vigilant and on edge looking for the next crisis .

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either.

Divorce him is my advice to you going forward. Your child will also thank you for he not further being raised within such a toxic environment.

Codependency and alcoholism often go hand in hand and being his codependent wife will do you no favours either.

Before going straight to divorce, I'd first look into when you will attend an AlAnon meeting, then announce to him that you are going while your parents babysit. As another poster said, that drinking doesn't have to happen daily for a person to cause probleme, if he argues he doesn't have a problem, tell him that it's affecting you and your child negatively, so you're getting more educated on the matter by attending some AlAnon meetings.

Also, inform him he will no longer be left alone with your child, and that's a major thing you think of as alcohol negatively affecting the family. I'd take social drinking by you out of the equation as well, no longer having it in the house.

Perhaps your announcements and actions will scare him straight so that he will seek treatment or to begin attending AA meetings of his own accord.

Scary to make major changes in a family, but you should feel positive that you're at least beginning some steps in that direction and hoping for the best. You do your part, and if he doesn't step us as well, then you can decide what the next step will be. At that point, if it were me, I'd say something like: I'm no longer willing to walk on eggshells, so changes need to be made or there will be family changes that'll have to happen.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Unless he himself decides to stop drinking there is nothing she can do in terms if helping him.
She can only help her own self ultimately and he being drunk is he not being safe around his son.

Divorce may seem final but her man’s primary relationship is with alcohol, not her. How much more should she be expected to put up with?. He is likely to be on a comedown from alcohol for some days after drinking. Ultimately he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still
choose to drink afterwards.

Alcoholism also thrives on secrecy so this needs to be bust wide open. Op could well benefit from attending Al—anon meetings in person or at the very least she should contact them. She should also enlist support from her parents .

This. I got to the point I couldn't ever leave ds with my ex, and couldn't allow him to drive him anywhere because I could never be sure he was fit to drive. We left when ds was 2.

Your dh is an addict, and addicts will swear black is white to hide their addiction. Whatever he tells you means nothing.

Get your ducks in a row, regardless of what else you do. You need to be ready to leave, or to take over the household finances when you ask him to leave.

Sorry but he needs to realise he has a problem, and it will probably get a lot worse before that happens.

I’d be very dubious he’s not hiding drinking at other times, I’m sorry, this is utterly odd behaviour and it seems he’s been caught as he got drunk or was outwith usual routine.

everh part of you must know it’s not normal , is he buying the whisky to hide and drink, inc the miniatures. I’m afraid I think he’s a full blown alcoholic and hiding it apart from the occasional times you catch him and he puts on a good display at other times. Something is very wrong here.