How should I handle my DH drinking issue

[Skunkyways]

Hi All, just looking for some advice. Been with DH for 8 years and have a 3yrs DS. Generally DH is a good partner, he helps around the house but works longer hours than me self employed and travelled away from home half of the time. Consequently, most of the mental load of DS and the day to day running of the house falls on me, which I don’t mind too much.
He does unfortunately have some negative habits around alcohol. Last Christmas we had all the family round and everyone was drinking which was fine but my DH kept disappearing upstairs and later on my parents found lots of mini bottles of whiskeys hidden around their bedroom. On another occasion at their house they offered him a drink which declined and said he didn’t fancy a drink, but he had bought himself a bottle of whisky and was going upstairs periodically to have a drink it . Naturally this behaviour is concerning and I’ve had words with DH, however he often goes 3-4months without drinking at all so I find it difficult to know how serious to take this and he says this a proof that doesn’t have a serious problem. Unfortunately there have been two instances of where this has impacted my DS. Recently my DH fell asleep when looking DS. It was about an hour where DS was wondering around the house doing what he wanted before DH woke up. ( my parents came home and found him flat out on the bed and took over DS care) He was very apologetic and cited exhaustion form early morning and late nights (true) but he had also had a few drinks( 3-4 he said). The second was when DS was 6months old, we were both at home at night time tidying up and suddenly DH seemed really drunk, he was holding the baby but bouncing off the walls, I had to take DS away and tell DH to go lie down. He didn’t drink for 4 months after this and I thought it had all settled down.

Now on the occasions he does have a drink this has made me feel on edge and find myself inadvertently monitoring how much he is drinking or checking the wine bottles to see if he is drinking extra. I cannot trust him to look after DS if he has a drink. It has also caused issue with DP. MY DH would like a better relationship with them, but unfortunately they have identified his drinking problems themselves and are now quite skeptical of him. They also feel he can be vague with answers and says one thing and does another ( this is true but often over minor things which individually don’t seem a problem but cumulatively seems odd)
This sporadic secretive and binge drinking is a problem but when he has a focus, like training for a fitness event he doesn’t drink at all, works hard, treats me a lot, is kind and is generally very good with DS and they adore each other. Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated it

If he’s hiding it it’s likely much worse than you think I’m afraid op he needs to be honest then I’d make your decision. I’d brace yourself for only knowing the tip of the iceberg as it’s not normal behaviour is it

Yes when I confronted him before he acknowledged he wasn’t good with alcohol and recognising his limits and maybe the solution was to limit himself to 4 maximum, or only drink with me. I saw he had alcohol control audio books on his Spotify, so something did go in, but I don’t think he thinks he needs to give up alcohol totally, just establish better control. As a drunk he just becomes more chatty and exuberant never nasty or aggressive and generally always seems alright the next day and just cracks on. This makes it harder to rationalise with.

There have also been many time when he has fallen asleep at 9 o’clock at night on the sofa upright ( without alcohol) cos he wakes at 5.30am. So when he says the alcohol wasn’t the reason I guess I could reasonably say this is feasible and it might have happened anyway without alcohol but I just don’t know. He had a work event so he picked up DS from SIL at 9pm took her back to my parents ( they were visiting for the night). He said he tried to put him to bed several times but he was so lively so he tried to stay up and play with him but in the end just nodded off.

You are under reacting and I suspect he is drinking a LOT more than he is admitting to you.

Well you don't seem to want to see the glaringly obvious, so I'm not sure what you're looking for here

I went through years of my partner trying to "control" the drinking. He would have the aforementioned periods of abstinence, he would only drink weaker strength session beers, he would only drink socially etc. I supported him, I supposed I believed he just needed to cut down and drink like a normal person. But he couldn't and I doubt your husband can either.
He knew he had a problem, I knew he had a problem. The only solution when you are tying yourself in knots trying to control your drinking is to stop. If he could control it you wouldn't have the problems you are having. That is the problem, they are not able to control or regulate. You could stop at a couple but alcoholics can't. The solution to not being able to control it is total abstinence. It is freeing not having the stress and tension from not being able to self regulate. Not being a slave to alcohol, having it dominate your thoughts and behaviour.
Alcohol is so socially acceptable that it needs to be incredibly bad for lots of people to realise they need to stop, it's social conditioning.
Don't fall into the trap of constant bargaining, watching the amount etc. It is so emotionally draining and wears your nerves to nothing after a time. I went through so so much of this until he just couldn't do it anymore, couldn't try to pretend or keep up the pretence of being in control. And his life fell dramatically apart. It took a long time. This will happen eventually, eventually they stop being functioning and the years before this happens take their toll on everyone around them.

I'd also add that my partner wasn't nasty drunk but the constant hangovers and stress and tension around drinking...wanting to do something all the time you know you shouldn't put him in increasingly bad moods. All that has totally evaporated in sobriety. He is a calm, nice person.

As I said I’m looking for advice about what people would do in my situation. It may be glaringly obvious to you from an outsider but of course love is blind and naturally I don’t WANT to think the worst, its always easy to pass judgement from the outside. I do take on board everything everyone has said and it’s been helpful particularly those that have been in my shoes, and are empathetic to situation.

to those saying he must be drinking other times, yes it’s feasible, but he has been away on several sporting events for 2-3 days with other men, many of which used it as a drinking session . My DH did not drink once, this was verified by other men there, and they took the piss out of him for it, if he were a true alcoholic this would have been the perfect excuse to go for it.
I do however acknowledge there is a major problem with binge drinking and secretive drinking when it does happen and that major changes need to happen or else nothing will change and ultimately the safety of my DS is a priority above all

Hiding spirits means he's drinking secretly constantly. I'm afraid to say that once someone's doing that they really cannot be trusted to be truthful to others or even themselves about their drinking.

You must tell him his drinking is endangering his relationship with you and his children. He must face up to it. You may need to actually kick him out if you're going to give an ultimatum.

But it needs to come from him. Tell him you know. You can tell and it can't go on like this. Does he have any sober mates? There will be an AA meeting going on near him every day at least once. But he needs to get himself there. He doesn't have to talk but he has to abstain and listen. I hope he decides to go down the right path.

You can't be in charge of the actions of another adult.

I have a parent who's an alcoholic.

Leave him.

I think the fact he can give up help masks the issues though. It’s called “white knuckling” sobriety - they can do it for a period but fundamentally their relationship with alcohol is unchanged. They ultimately go back to problematic drinking.
I don’t know what to advise OP but the secrecy he has around it and fact it’s put him and others in dangerous situations is very worrying.
Its very hard to get them to get them to really want to give up totally when he still feels he can control it

Exactly this, white knuckling and being a "dry drunk". The underlying relationship with alcohol is still there and they go straight back after a period off to drinking problematically. I wish I had known all of this as I used to think same things as OP.

What is your definition of an alcoholic if not your man?.

You do not seem to be ready and or able to see the truth here which is understandable because this is hard.

Where’s your red line here?. Are you really hoping against hope that you will somehow find the right words for him to change?.

Again it’s the effects his drinking is having on you and in turn your son that is the problem here. He is not too young not to notice and be aware of what’s going on around him.

Alcoholism is not called the family disease either without good reason. He thinks he can mitigate his drinking somewhat by exercising as he does but it won’t work and it will catch up with him.

I grant you denial is a powerful force but you need to see what’s in front of you. You cannot control
this in him.

And you really do not want your child growing up around all this. He will also pick up on your reactions, both doles and unspoken, to his dad.

That’s what I did at the height of my problem. He isn’t going months without it. He is going months without you finding where his alcohol is hidden.

And yes most alcoholics don’t drink 24/7 their whole life Op. I never drank much in the week even when I was at my worst.

Alcohol use disorder, as it’s now known, mostly means you and those around you are negatively affected by your drinking. I wasn’t a constant drinker but I was a bad drinker. I put myself and others in danger when I drank but Monday to Friday was generally sober.

Alcoholic is a useless term that doesn’t mean anything. Alcohol use disorder is when your use of alcohol is unhealthy. This may include physical alcohol dependency (drinking all the time) or not.

I tried every single one of these things. It’s called bargaining and attempts to moderate. It doesn’t work.

Eventually he breaks every rule over and over again. The only solution is abstinence.

Yes the other men there verified that they DIDNT SEE HIM drink. That isn’t the same as not drinking.

Thank you for bringing this term ‘white knuckling’ to me, it gives me the answer for why he can go for long periods without, which I otherwise took as reason to be less worried but actually it’s just a stop gap

And in your situation I would leave him. His primary relationship is with drink and your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even started yet.

How many social occasions has he spoilt through his drinking?.. How many times have you made excuses and or covered for him?.

I think a few big issues around understanding this is that alcohol is largely ‘acceptable’ and expected in some circumstances. Another issue is that the widely known stereotype of an alcoholic is someone who gets the shakes in the morning, who drinks every day and couldn’t skip a day etc but that just isn’t the case for most people.

Alcohol is a problem for him and he clearly has a complicated relationship with it or he wouldn’t hide it. My guess is he has no off switch when he starts, knows that’s a problem and is thoroughly ashamed. Therapy could help with that but again, it would need to be decided and arranged by him.

The other thing is a lot of people with alcohol issues can’t imagine having to stop forever. That’s why the approach for addiction recovery is one day/hour/minute at a time.

My dm has been an alcoholic, drinking daily, for 20 years and the only way she moved in to recovery was agreeing she wasn’t going to drink today, again and again and again until she was a month sober, then 2 etc.
She’s 3 years in and still tells herself she may be able to drink again some day - it makes her feel better - but she consistently says she going to be sober this month.
Forever is a very big thing to commit to for anyone, but impossible for someone with this kind of issue.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
he doesn’t drink on every social occasion, in fact most people comment that ‘ your DH is not a big drinker’
the occasions when he does have a blow out it’s usually an event like Christmas birthday etc and his family don’t see a problem. it’s only myself and my parents who haven noticed his secret drinking on these occasions. He doesn’t ever ‘spoil’ them as such hes just exuberant and jolly. I just find it too much knowing he’s taking extra drinks people don’t see

im not trying to justify or minimise it im just answering your question truthfully

He does not have to drink on every social occasion for both you and your son to be affected by his drinking. His family likely don’t see a problem because out of sight out of mind and they may well drink similarly too.

How would you explain his hiding drink upstairs in your parents bedroom?. How about his behaviour re your parents last Christmas?. This man has a long standing alcohol dependency problem and that is a problem you cannot solve. He has to be the one who decides to address his alcohol dependence and there is no indication from him he wants to address it.

He does not have to drink everyday to have a problem with alcohol. Alcoholics do not all sit on park benches. Many of them are responsible on the surface and can hold down things till the wheels in time start to fall off.
And that is when things really do go downhill.

@Skunkyways I’m afraid you won’t know the half of it so however bad you think his drinking is or how often you think he’s drinking, double it!! You have already given an example of him refusing a drink but then going to secretly drink so why would you believe he’s going for long periods without a drink? The fact his friends were taking the piss about him not drinking means nothing, he will put on a show in front of everyone about him “not drinking” then secretly do it. An alcoholic is a master manipulator and a liar. You also can’t leave your child alone with him as demonstrated. The only advice I would give about this situation is to leave him but you won’t. You will want to help him, save him, etc etc…and it’s understandable that you would want to do that but if you stay with him your life will be full of him fooling you and you fooling yourself. Which is already happening.

No one can act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. Neither approach works.

I would say to him he has to go to AA and therapy or whatever he needs to do otherwise I would tell him to leave.