How should I handle my DH drinking issue

[Skunkyways]

Hi All, just looking for some advice. Been with DH for 8 years and have a 3yrs DS. Generally DH is a good partner, he helps around the house but works longer hours than me self employed and travelled away from home half of the time. Consequently, most of the mental load of DS and the day to day running of the house falls on me, which I don’t mind too much.
He does unfortunately have some negative habits around alcohol. Last Christmas we had all the family round and everyone was drinking which was fine but my DH kept disappearing upstairs and later on my parents found lots of mini bottles of whiskeys hidden around their bedroom. On another occasion at their house they offered him a drink which declined and said he didn’t fancy a drink, but he had bought himself a bottle of whisky and was going upstairs periodically to have a drink it . Naturally this behaviour is concerning and I’ve had words with DH, however he often goes 3-4months without drinking at all so I find it difficult to know how serious to take this and he says this a proof that doesn’t have a serious problem. Unfortunately there have been two instances of where this has impacted my DS. Recently my DH fell asleep when looking DS. It was about an hour where DS was wondering around the house doing what he wanted before DH woke up. ( my parents came home and found him flat out on the bed and took over DS care) He was very apologetic and cited exhaustion form early morning and late nights (true) but he had also had a few drinks( 3-4 he said). The second was when DS was 6months old, we were both at home at night time tidying up and suddenly DH seemed really drunk, he was holding the baby but bouncing off the walls, I had to take DS away and tell DH to go lie down. He didn’t drink for 4 months after this and I thought it had all settled down.

Now on the occasions he does have a drink this has made me feel on edge and find myself inadvertently monitoring how much he is drinking or checking the wine bottles to see if he is drinking extra. I cannot trust him to look after DS if he has a drink. It has also caused issue with DP. MY DH would like a better relationship with them, but unfortunately they have identified his drinking problems themselves and are now quite skeptical of him. They also feel he can be vague with answers and says one thing and does another ( this is true but often over minor things which individually don’t seem a problem but cumulatively seems odd)
This sporadic secretive and binge drinking is a problem but when he has a focus, like training for a fitness event he doesn’t drink at all, works hard, treats me a lot, is kind and is generally very good with DS and they adore each other. Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated it

Maybe someone who's been in his position can chime in, but if I were you, I'd attend a different Al-anon meeting by yourself and get skilled guidance there on how to support your partner plus avoid behavior that will hamper their progress.

My female cousin went to learn how to support her brother during his first year of sobriety. From her, I learned that the person seeking sobriety shouldn't make any major changes in life like getting a new pet, moving to a new residence, beginning a new romance if single, etc. She also said that if he was doing a project in the house, like saying he needed to buy and put up new curtains, not to offer to help. But if he asked for help, it was okay to help him. Something I never thought of, and don't know why that's suggested.

But as far as explaining to family if he bows out early or doesn't attend, it depends on if he's okay with you all being open to extended family of his circumstances. Whatever the case, be brief with your explanation whether the truth or a white lie and not be apologetic about what he feels he needs to do to achieve his goals. Do you always have to have him around to enjoy every day of the holiday week? Try to think of some positives that you can have more in depth conversations with relatives without worrying about if he's bored or left out, since he's not there.

Thats a very difficult result OP.

I think he’s ashamed and trying to avoid facing up to that shame. I think he’s also trying to distance himself from his fuck ups by almost… blaming your parents. Even in his mind, imo, he’s shifting the reason for his disordered drinking from ‘I have an alcohol problem’ to ‘OP’s parents just make me so uncomfortable I have to drink. I can’t be around them as they make me drink. I cannot be around their nastiness which drives me to drink.’

He isn’t yet willing to admit that his inability to drink normally is within himself and he needs to be able to resist drink even in uncomfortable situations. He is making them the problem rather than being straight and apologising for his behaviour and having them forgive and support him he’s hiding away.

I wouldn’t be happy that he was essentially making his sobriety conditional on not seeing my parents who have done nothing except try to point out his bad treatment of you and otherwise treating him well. I think it bodes badly for his ability to remain sober. There’s a reason step 8 of AA is ‘Make a list of all the people you have harmed and become willing to make it right’ because if you don’t the shame festers within.

Oh and meanwhile through all of this, he’s using a shiny new excuse for you to continue to do the majority of the housework and childrearing instead of trying to make it up to you that you have done this while he has been drinking. His spots remain the same so far.

As others have pointed out - his language and behaviour is not that of acceptance or of taking responsibility. However, best case, he has started his journey and he will get there. If he is open to change then he will need to do the work and it will be hard.

Have you discussed all of this with your parents yet? It seems like they truly have your back and see him for how he really is

Thanks for all the input. He doesn’t blame my parents for his drinking he recognises that’s a separate issue. As previously mentioned he isn’t a constant drinker but lacks self control when he does. He’s essentially saying that he needs to focus on his goal of taking this seriously and doesn’t want to have a situation that causes additional anxiety. My stance is I’m trying support him but feels like there needs to be give and take and my needs matter too, it cannot just be all about him all the time.
Its not that I need him to be there, there are plenty of times where I visit my parents alone, it’s just it’s Christmas and it would be nice to show unity even if that’s means him having to suck it up for me for 2 days

I haven’t discussed it fully with my parents, if I did I feel it would cause them to worry more. He isn’t a bad person he does do lots of nice things for me like buy my flowers, sent me to a hotel for the night, buy me little gifts, but he suffers from a lot stress with work and I usually find myself taking on all the load of the house to try to help him at the expense of myself, which is what my DP are seeing and trying to point out to him in some sense. He sees this as they are constantly pointing out his incompetence.
i am so confused between trying to defend the good points of him and wondering whether im being blind to the overall picture

To be honest, I wouldn't dwell on this. You have a difficult journey ahead of you and whilst it shouldn't all be on his terms, he absolutely does need to prioritise his sobriety. I've listened to a lot of sober people talk about their journey and they talk about early sobriety being like raising a new born, it's fragile and it's vulnerable and it as has to be the priority. In time, he will hopefully become more resilient.

I don't mean this unkindly but the way you talk about the fact he should be able to do X, Y or Z sounds like the most rational thing in the world but if he's an addict (and it sound like he is, even if he is not physically dependant) then logic isn't relevant - of course he should compromise... but then of course he shouldn't be necking whisky in the bedroom while everyone else if having a perfectly normal civilised night.

He seems to feel like people are attacking him a lot which makes him stressed. But then you’re the person taking on all the extra stress… and how does any of this link to his drinking? He’s talking a lot about your parents comments but saying that’s separate to his drinking issue. So why has he decided that NOW he cannot see them again, now when his drinking issue comes to light?

I feel like I’m missing something in all of this.

@Sunbringer he said after a visit back in July he felt uncomfortable with them but then he went back to visit them in September with DS even though I encouraged him to stay in a hotel. It was after this visit that he said he can no longer be around them.
I guess his ‘rationale’ is, he has to focus on himself but and avoid negativity on him but for me it’s no coincidence this decision comes after he messed with up.

@Skunkywaysit sounds very difficult for you.

Unfortunately, I suppose if he says he can’t see them and you want him to pursue sobriety then I’d let it go for now. I know it hurts because it’s likely felt for a long time like you prioritise him and DS and he prioritises himself and occasionally alcohol? It would have been nice if him admitting the problem led to you being prioritised or centred, but instead it’s about him still.

Unfortunately that will be the case for a while yet - I imagine he now sees himself as a sick/injured person trying to recover and he will play on that because he feels vulnerable and aggrieved. There is a period where having to go sober feels very unfair and it can be hard to prioritise anyone else when you’re railing against your lot.

Hopefully in a few months he will be able to see the wood for the trees and prioritise you again. Maybe then he will see your family too - when he can show them look I’ve been sober x long and everyone is proud of me. It may give him some self esteem back. Try and lean on them for support though, you are entitled to do so and it’s not a betrayal of him to state the truth and seek that support.

Good luck OP.

It’s poor behaviour letting you pick up the slack at home because he has a stressful job. You only have one life, don’t get to 50 and realise you’ve been pandering to someone who isn’t willing to be an equal partner in your relationship.

You know he has a drinking issue. It’s great that he is attempting to stop.

I get you want to support him. I did as well. My husband wouldn’t give up drinking. He lied constantly about it and in the end I said no more

Mainly for our young child who is 6 l but also for me

I didn’t realise how much I walked on eggshells till I didn’t

He cannot be trusted alone with your son same as my ex DH can’t be with our daughter

You can get boundaries like don’t ever drink again, but if he does drink, then you need to decide. Do you stay with him or do you split?

But if you threaten something you need to carry it out otherwise it’s pointless and he will know that and he will carry on drinking and drinking

Join us here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5557278-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share