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Original poster

How should I handle my DH drinking issue

89 replies

Skunkyways · 01/10/2026 11:20

Hi All, just looking for some advice. Been with DH for 8 years and have a 3yrs DS. Generally DH is a good partner, he helps around the house but works longer hours than me self employed and travelled away from home half of the time. Consequently, most of the mental load of DS and the day to day running of the house falls on me, which I don’t mind too much.
He does unfortunately have some negative habits around alcohol. Last Christmas we had all the family round and everyone was drinking which was fine but my DH kept disappearing upstairs and later on my parents found lots of mini bottles of whiskeys hidden around their bedroom. On another occasion at their house they offered him a drink which declined and said he didn’t fancy a drink, but he had bought himself a bottle of whisky and was going upstairs periodically to have a drink it . Naturally this behaviour is concerning and I’ve had words with DH, however he often goes 3-4months without drinking at all so I find it difficult to know how serious to take this and he says this a proof that doesn’t have a serious problem. Unfortunately there have been two instances of where this has impacted my DS. Recently my DH fell asleep when looking DS. It was about an hour where DS was wondering around the house doing what he wanted before DH woke up. ( my parents came home and found him flat out on the bed and took over DS care) He was very apologetic and cited exhaustion form early morning and late nights (true) but he had also had a few drinks( 3-4 he said). The second was when DS was 6months old, we were both at home at night time tidying up and suddenly DH seemed really drunk, he was holding the baby but bouncing off the walls, I had to take DS away and tell DH to go lie down. He didn’t drink for 4 months after this and I thought it had all settled down.

Now on the occasions he does have a drink this has made me feel on edge and find myself inadvertently monitoring how much he is drinking or checking the wine bottles to see if he is drinking extra. I cannot trust him to look after DS if he has a drink. It has also caused issue with DP. MY DH would like a better relationship with them, but unfortunately they have identified his drinking problems themselves and are now quite skeptical of him. They also feel he can be vague with answers and says one thing and does another ( this is true but often over minor things which individually don’t seem a problem but cumulatively seems odd)
This sporadic secretive and binge drinking is a problem but when he has a focus, like training for a fitness event he doesn’t drink at all, works hard, treats me a lot, is kind and is generally very good with DS and they adore each other. Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated it

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 01/10/2026 19:31

Milkytoner · 01/10/2026 12:34

N.C for this.
My DP was an alcoholic, now sober for years but I recognise so much if this. He was also able to do dry January and sober October but it was still an awful problem. He was functional until he wasn't.
I think I didn't realise how bad it was as it was a boiled frog situation. We had been party animals when young, so drinking lots and being a bit mad was a thing. Most people just thought oh what is he like etc. They were not actually supportive. But parties stop and then you are left with a drinking problem.
I think I slowly realised the dread I had around his drinking, I had sinking feelings looking in the bin seeing empty bottles and cans. I remember looking in his bag when he came back from the shops to see what kind of a night I was in for. He wasn't nasty or violent. He would sort of go quiet actually. But he could be belligerent. Obviously we argued, at least one night of every holiday was ruined. Everything we did had to include booze, cinema, shopping, everything. He would always cram in extra too, so have to get a drink at the shop after a night out. Could not let it go.
I didn't realise how much he was hiding too, 2 or even 3 pints at lunchtime at work. Every trip out of the house popping into the pub. He always had mini disasters with shops not having things or missing buses. All so he could cram in pints. At home he'd have a stronger drink in the kitchen whilst l'd see him only having a normal beer. I didn't realise all this for some time and he admitted It to me when he stopped.
It was very lonely.
When it was eventually getting totally out of control I found cans and bottles squashed in to all crevices possible in the bedroom. I reached a breaking point when he started drinking gin on a morning on a weekend. There were other issues too and he was losing his grip on reality and heading for a breakdown. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose the booze. And I looked for a flat on my own.
It took a long while for me to realise how bad this all was. He is sober now and we are together. I wish I'd left earlier to be honest. Not because it made him get sober but because I wasted lots of years tense, on edge and sad.
He spent time on his own, spiralled into drunken madness, no longer functioning, then realised he couldn't live like that anymore and got sober. Eventually we very slowly got back together. But it's not an approach I would advise for everyone.
He did it all himself, I think the Allen Carr audiobook was the biggest help rather than a group and certainly not the NHS. I feel confident in his sobriety, he has no desire to start drinking again. Our life is fuller and better, I don't dread doing things because he will use it as excuse to get pissed.
If I was to do it again I would leave earlier, you can't help addicted people. They drag you down, I still get flashbacks sometimes opening the bin! So it has an effect on you that lasts.

Edited

This sounds very much like my ex-husband too. He used to cause fights at the weekend as well so he could storm out and then go to the pub and say I had driven him to it.

Fleetheart · 01/10/2026 21:51

Yes, we split up and he always kept in touch with the kids. It was hard as I didn’t want them to stay with him alone. we went through some difficult times but he is now sober and has a good relationship with the kids. I only wish I had made the break earlier, I kept on hoping things would improve.

Original poster
Skunkyways · 01/10/2026 22:08

thanks all, this thread has giving me enough willpower and insight to sit down and have a honest chat with DH.
I explained my turmoil regarding his behaviours and the unseen emotional effect it’s having on me and concern regarding safety. He acknowledges he has an issue and the danger it has caused. Tomorrow he going to speak with his family and declare everything that has happened and then Monday he will get in touch with professionals. I only hope this is enough of a wake up call but only time will tell

OP posts:
ScorpionLioness79 · 01/10/2026 23:16

Yay! I'm thrilled to hear that good news.

EmpressStorm · 02/10/2026 09:22

Skunkyways · 01/10/2026 17:06

As I said I’m looking for advice about what people would do in my situation. It may be glaringly obvious to you from an outsider but of course love is blind and naturally I don’t WANT to think the worst, its always easy to pass judgement from the outside. I do take on board everything everyone has said and it’s been helpful particularly those that have been in my shoes, and are empathetic to situation.

to those saying he must be drinking other times, yes it’s feasible, but he has been away on several sporting events for 2-3 days with other men, many of which used it as a drinking session . My DH did not drink once, this was verified by other men there, and they took the piss out of him for it, if he were a true alcoholic this would have been the perfect excuse to go for it.
I do however acknowledge there is a major problem with binge drinking and secretive drinking when it does happen and that major changes need to happen or else nothing will change and ultimately the safety of my DS is a priority above all

It’s great he’s admitted he’s a problem, but I don’t understand this post from you. You yourself witnessed him say no to drinking and then going and drinking his whisky in secret. Your own occasions would also be the perfect opportunity, so I’m struggling to understand why you think he didn’t lie about drinking with his friends and do it in secret, like he did with you and your family? It would be logical to think the same happened on noth occasions and in fact, much of the time when he says he’s not drinking he’s doing it in secret, it’s a habit deeply ingrained in him

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/10/2026 09:28

Skunkyways · 01/10/2026 12:15

Thank you for your replies.
@EvenMoreFuriousVexation did you start with sporadic drinking as well. When I google this it’s says it’s alcholol
misuse but doesn’t classify as being an alcoholic.

I know he can do months as when he has a fitness goal or event he trains really hard for it eats well and is totally dedicated to being healthy so he won’t drink at all. There are some months consecutively he is at home, and during Covid he worked from home the whole time. He hates drink driving and even if he’s had 2-3 on a weekend he will not drive until later the following more after 4pm, so never drinks on a work night. That I trust.
I think it’s confusing because these occasions I’ve listed are bad but beyond not drinking for several months there are also plenty of time we can enjoy 2-3 drinks at night on the sofa and nothing more so doesn’t drink the bottle dry each time

I'm really glad to hear you've had a talk with him. Whether he will actually be honest with his parents and seek help is another matter.

To answer your question, yes I drank sporadically for years before descending to the point where I could no longer do that and was drinking daily.

Every alcoholics journey is different and most of us will point to another person's story and say "ah ha! Well I didn't do that, I would never drink drive/drink at work/drink in the morning/steal money for drink/etc, so therefore I'm not an alcoholic, I just need to cut down a bit."

The thing is that all of us say we'll never do those things, right up to the point where we do. I was MILITANT about drink drivers, right up to the day when I was NEEDING another drink and had no shop in walking distance and no delivery options. I was fortunate not to hurt anyone and was remorseful afterwards, vowing never to do it again. And I didn't, until about a week later. And then it was daily.

I would be willing to bet that your husband at some point has said to himself "I will NEVER drink around my son! The idea of me looking after him alone and getting drunk is ridiculous! Never gonna happen!" But it has, twice to your knowledge, and how many times that you haven't found out about?

Some of us don't get into recovery until we've lost almost everything, our families, jobs, houses, driving licences, our freedom (prison), our health. I hope your husband sees the light before he reaches the depths I did. There's a saying in AA, "The elevator goes all the way to the basement, but you can get off at any floor if you want to."

Please have a look into Al-Anon. You can attend meetings via zoom and just knowing you're not the only one struggling to make sense of life with an alcoholic can be a huge support.

Spaniels4Eva · 02/10/2026 09:35

Just please be aware that now you've brought this out into the open, he may just become more clever at hiding his drink. He may just be saying what you want to hear instead of actually addressing the root cause of his drinking.

Please contact Al-Anon, it was a lifeline for my friend when she finally saw the light regarding her DP's drinking. She listened to his excuses for nearly 12 years and ruined her DC's childhoods with it. They are both NC with her as adults.....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2026 09:39

I don’t think he will reach out to professionals on Monday (and why Monday rather than today?). What are his parents like, if they enable him they are of no benefit to him.

If he is only doing this at your behest and not because he actually wants to, his current approach will not work. He’s either fully committed to addressing the root causes or he’s not.

in the meantime contact Al-anon for your own self and at the very least read their literature if you cannot attend meetings. I would also seek legal advice discretely as knowledge is power.

Original poster
Skunkyways · 02/10/2026 11:54

Yes I will contact AlAnon, sound advice.
im glad he has admitted the issue, my concern now is will be continue to think he can ‘control’ it without total abstinence, because it’s before the point that he’s lost anything. He has said he will follow the advice of whatever the guidance is given.

To those saying he must be drinking on other occasions and hiding it, yes it’s possible. However, the times which have been a problem have always been when he is ‘on’ drinking, ie he’s reached his goal of not drinking for 3-4 months and then he openly decides he will have a drink. The months where he ‘signs himself off it’ there is never any problems, he ramps up his exercise, healthy eating and there has always been bottles of alcohol in the house which I was monitoring closely that definitely werent being drank. The time at my parents he had openly been drinking with everyone the night before but because everyone else wasn’t drinking the 2nd night obviously he felt he needed one but had to hide it cos no one else was then drinking. That might not make sense to everyone but I can see the pattern myself. There have been several recovering alcoholics or people with direct experience of alcoholism that have pointed out that this can be done by ‘ white knuckling’ and I very much think this is his modus operadus, at least at this point in time to date. Of course this may continue to escalate and doesn’t minimise the issue of his alcohol misuse

OP posts:
FeralFucker · 02/10/2026 13:06

I hope he does get the help he needs. I would say that the buying, hiding and drinking of spirits in secret is an enormous red flag and a behaviour he may feel he can continue though seeming outwardly sober.

JoyousWriter · 02/10/2026 13:20

He won't be able to cut down.

bigboykitty · 02/10/2026 13:26

I don't believe for a minute that someone who drinks in this way goes 3-4 months without drinking. I think you are kidding yourself. I've seen so many threads where people say they discovered their H is drinking all the time and they had no idea. Alcohol stinks. Whisky stinks.

You can't leave him with your child. Please go to Al anon and get some help for yourself.

Edit - sorry - just read your update!

Milkytoner · 02/10/2026 13:41

This is an old article but this guy spent 4 months of every year for 10 years not drinking then absolutely going for it the rest of the year. I read this at the time my partner was doing similar things, it absolutely resonated.
https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/jan/05/william-leith-alcohol-how-did-i-let-drinking-take-over-my-life

How I let drinking take over my life

The long read: Five years after his last taste of alcohol, William Leith tries to understand its powerful magic

https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/jan/05/william-leith-alcohol-how-did-i-let-drinking-take-over-my-life

Gobbledegoo · 02/10/2026 17:45

My friend's DH was an alcoholic and she had no idea until 3 weeks before he died. He always wanted to be early for a train, so he could have a bevvy before getting on and in the bar. He always wanted to do the washing up and had a radio on in the kitchen with the door shut so she could watch "her programme" in peace. He would go out the back door to the garage and have drink. In the end he was found face down in running water with a lot of alcohol in his system.

Sodthesystem · 02/10/2026 17:51

So he does bugger all in the home (when he’s even around) has pissed off the in-laws, is a secret alcoholic, has put the kids at risk on more than one occasion, can stop drinking when it suits him but not for you and the kids and has a tendency to say one thing and do another…

honey with all due kindness…that’s not a good man.

crazymommaclub · 02/10/2026 18:09

You can buy an at home breathalyser for £45. If I were you I’d ask him to do a test when you don’t think he’s been drinking…

Hafodenfys · 03/10/2026 15:55

Skunkyways · 01/10/2026 12:15

Thank you for your replies.
@EvenMoreFuriousVexation did you start with sporadic drinking as well. When I google this it’s says it’s alcholol
misuse but doesn’t classify as being an alcoholic.

I know he can do months as when he has a fitness goal or event he trains really hard for it eats well and is totally dedicated to being healthy so he won’t drink at all. There are some months consecutively he is at home, and during Covid he worked from home the whole time. He hates drink driving and even if he’s had 2-3 on a weekend he will not drive until later the following more after 4pm, so never drinks on a work night. That I trust.
I think it’s confusing because these occasions I’ve listed are bad but beyond not drinking for several months there are also plenty of time we can enjoy 2-3 drinks at night on the sofa and nothing more so doesn’t drink the bottle dry each time

My husband started like this. Unfortunately it escalated and he was binge drinking more than not. He increased from occasionally, like your husband, to getting drunk every weekend, to having huge binges where he was going through 3/4 of a litre bottle of vodka a day for a couple of weeks. He would then stop for a couple of weeks, apologising profusely, saying he would never drink again, before doing exactly that a week or two later.

If his drinking is causing issues in your relationship, and he is refusing to stop, or downplaying the issue, he is an alcoholic.

Please contact Al Anon, or join their UK Facebook page, where you can open up with no judgement.

My DH is now sober, but it took a long time to get to this point, and if we had had young children at the time, I probably would have left.

Sending hugs 🫂

Besidemyselfwithworry · 03/10/2026 15:56

Skunkyways · 01/10/2026 11:20

Hi All, just looking for some advice. Been with DH for 8 years and have a 3yrs DS. Generally DH is a good partner, he helps around the house but works longer hours than me self employed and travelled away from home half of the time. Consequently, most of the mental load of DS and the day to day running of the house falls on me, which I don’t mind too much.
He does unfortunately have some negative habits around alcohol. Last Christmas we had all the family round and everyone was drinking which was fine but my DH kept disappearing upstairs and later on my parents found lots of mini bottles of whiskeys hidden around their bedroom. On another occasion at their house they offered him a drink which declined and said he didn’t fancy a drink, but he had bought himself a bottle of whisky and was going upstairs periodically to have a drink it . Naturally this behaviour is concerning and I’ve had words with DH, however he often goes 3-4months without drinking at all so I find it difficult to know how serious to take this and he says this a proof that doesn’t have a serious problem. Unfortunately there have been two instances of where this has impacted my DS. Recently my DH fell asleep when looking DS. It was about an hour where DS was wondering around the house doing what he wanted before DH woke up. ( my parents came home and found him flat out on the bed and took over DS care) He was very apologetic and cited exhaustion form early morning and late nights (true) but he had also had a few drinks( 3-4 he said). The second was when DS was 6months old, we were both at home at night time tidying up and suddenly DH seemed really drunk, he was holding the baby but bouncing off the walls, I had to take DS away and tell DH to go lie down. He didn’t drink for 4 months after this and I thought it had all settled down.

Now on the occasions he does have a drink this has made me feel on edge and find myself inadvertently monitoring how much he is drinking or checking the wine bottles to see if he is drinking extra. I cannot trust him to look after DS if he has a drink. It has also caused issue with DP. MY DH would like a better relationship with them, but unfortunately they have identified his drinking problems themselves and are now quite skeptical of him. They also feel he can be vague with answers and says one thing and does another ( this is true but often over minor things which individually don’t seem a problem but cumulatively seems odd)
This sporadic secretive and binge drinking is a problem but when he has a focus, like training for a fitness event he doesn’t drink at all, works hard, treats me a lot, is kind and is generally very good with DS and they adore each other. Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated it

How would I deal with it?
id leave
your children and you deserve better

Hafodenfys · 03/10/2026 16:18

Besidemyselfwithworry · 03/10/2026 15:56

How would I deal with it?
id leave
your children and you deserve better

Show quote history

It's so difficult to get to that point though, especially if the obvious drinking is infrequent. You get the best part of them for most of the time, and during the bad times you wait for the good times to reappear. Sadly it often gets to a point where the bad outweighs the good, but you still live in hope.

My DH got sober several times, a couple of times for up to a year. That gives you hope.

He has now been sober for over two years, and tells me he will spend the rest of his life making up for what he put me through when drinking, but we will see. I hope he never drinks again, and at the moment we are happy and I am glad I stayed. But I am under no illusions that it could all come crashing down. Or perhaps it won't. 🤷‍♀️

Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/10/2026 16:28

Been there op only recently - similar thing secret drinking / realising he suddenly seems quite drunk when I’d thought we’d only had a beer or 2!

I essentially gave him an ultimatum as we have 2 little kids and I was not raising them with an alcoholic dad.

for a while he tried to just cut back said no more drinks at home only if we were on a night out it event etc…

but he’s quit now all together and hasn’t drank for 4 months now and doesn’t plan to ever drink again - he says he has just realised he can’t anymore as obviously has a problem

if this starts up again I’m out

MadeForThis · 03/10/2026 16:37

If he had miniature bottles of alcohol upstairs then he purchased them with the intention of hiding his drinking.

Movingsomeplantsabout · 03/10/2026 16:39

No one can ‘stop’ anyone else drinking. They have to hit their own rock bottom and decide enough is enough. Or not…

Fleetheart · 05/10/2026 22:03

crazymommaclub · 02/10/2026 18:09

You can buy an at home breathalyser for £45. If I were you I’d ask him to do a test when you don’t think he’s been drinking…

you can’t go around policing people. it’s not healthy for anyone. He either deals with it or doesn’t, but that’s not the answer.

Original poster
Skunkyways · 11/10/2026 20:02

Hi all, just to give you an update and look for some more feedback. So DH recognises that his drinking is not acceptable and has sought help. in fact he has his first AlAnon meeting tonight. Consequently I have decided we have decided to stick it out, but he is aware there will never be a circumstance to put DS in harms way again and time will tell….
As I mentioned before, my parents are quite wary of him due to past observed behaviours with alchohol and other factors where they think he priorities himself all the time. I think they have a point but recognise that I have facilitated this and inadvertently absorbed all the mental loads of DS and the house and prioritise his time and needs to do stuff as he always seems stressed if I don’t. Over the years he reports they always make leading questions to him that have made him uncomfortable such as ‘ DH do you ever cook for skunkyways’ or ‘ have you fixed that broken window in the kitchen yet’. I think they do this in attempt to shine a light on the perceived imbalance but he says it’s grinding him down mentally and makes him uncomfortable in their presence. I get that. However other than the odd comment they are perfectly pleasant to him. After the last incident he now says he doesn’t want to see them for a while as it’s causing him too much anxiety being in their company and he needs to concentrate on getting himself right. I have since asking my parents not to make comments anymore. We are due to see them at before Christmas where they have paid for a pre Christmas event for us to go to. I have asked him to still attend for 2 of the 4 days which he has very reluctantly agreed to do, but it has left me feeling as if I am being unreasonable to ask. His family all support him not going. I feel as if he’s shifting all his discomfort onto me by not going and me then having to explaining to my parents and family why he is not attending. But yet I will still be attending his family for Christmas Day. I feel he should compromise and show me support after all that’s happening. What’s are people’s thoughts?

OP posts:
Mum4MrA · 11/10/2026 20:34

Good to hear that he’s been to an AA meeting. That’s a good start. Have you managed to attend an Al Anon meeting yet?

Of course it’s your “mean” parents who are making him anxious and he has to drink. It wouldn’t be his fault. He’s not ready to change.

I really feel for you in this awful situation. Sadly I think you need to make plans to leave. He’s not going to change until he hits rock bottom as he doesn’t really believe there’s a problem. He’ll pay lip service to your concerns, but if he’s hiding alcohol, he will continue drinking. Do you have a joint account? Now would be a good time to set up a personal account for you and have your pay paid directly to it. He will be spending family money on booze and that’s not fair on you or your DS.

Sending you lots of emotional support and hugs. You can do this, for you and your DS 💐💝