Closest friend cold about my new relationship in middle age

[narbaric]

I’m perplexed and perhaps you could shine a light on my situation
My closest friend of forty years seems almost cold and completely disinterested about my new relationship.
Im divorced and have a really hard marriage and life generally. My children have AD and out of the blue I met a man some months ago. We’re both mid fifties .
We are together 8/9 months and in a medium distance relationship and are so so happy right now. He has been consistent, kind, loving and everything in between. My children, family, other friends and colleagues are thrilled for me as they know how unlucky I’ve been in love . They really like him also.
My friend however shows no interest when his name is brought up in conversation. She doesn’t ask me how it’s going or anything really. I’m so surprised !
She has met him once and was civil and pleasant but again when he did something really kind and thoughtful for me at a low time , which she observed, she didn’t even comment! This is not the friend I’ve known for forty years.
Her own life is difficult. She has different issues and her marriage seems at this stage to be a convenience but she has spoken about feeling trapped and discontented with little hope for the future happiness.
As a rule, she enjoys company of friends and loves a good night out as an escape but I don’t understand her . I know if I asked her she would. Shut it down.
She doesn’t know him or anything about him from his past which is clean so Im
out of ideas.
What are your thoughts here please?

I don’t think it’s too complicated, she’s probably envious in some ways. Misery loves company.

He sounds lovely x

I would avoid bringing him up with her at all. I think if you suddenly stop talking about him she will notice it and possibly realise you are shutting down part of your life to her and may come to her senses a bit. If not, it really is her loss as it will naturally drive a wedge. It does sound like jealousy to me, which is a shame. Save this part of your life to share with people who can be happy for you and don’t let her sully it.

Possibly some jealousy as her own marriage is not good? Or perhaps you being unlucky with relationships made her feel like her own life wasn't so bad but now that you're happy it sort of shines a light on her own dissatisfaction?

It's bringing home to her all that is not how she'd like it in her relationship?

Competitive frenemy. I’ve got one. Known her over 50 years. Always tries to pour cold water on anything nice I’ve done/doing or completely ignored it. Deeply bitter envious woman. I’m doing a slow fade. This woman is not your friend.

Unfortunately I’ve had this happen before. I got divorced and met a really lovely man, was super excited. Me and my close friend had always been chatting about dates and men so it wasn’t an unusual topic between us. She went completely cold, would often change the subject if I mentioned it, didn’t ever ask or bring up my boyfriend. And truthfully it really hurt. I assumed it was maybe some envy, but it’s still hard.

sadly things didn’t change, and other issues cropped up in the friendship, as I started to realise she was never happy for me, we now don’t speak. On the plus side, it’s been 6 happy years with my partner - and we’ve been living together for 3 of those.

It's possibly some jealousy if things aren't going well for her. I had a friendship fade out after I met my husband after a string of abusive relationships, though that 'friend' was a bit of an oddball, and used me as a touchstone to remind her that her life was great when mine was not. When things started going well for me, she dropped me like a hot potato.

That said, when I meet with friends, I'm happy for us to briefly acknowledge the men in our lives, "How is Bob, you mentioned his mum had been unwell etc" but long, convoluted discussions about his holidays/hobbies/innermost thoughts? Nah. Maybe in my twenties, but in my forties, I'm friends with my friends, not interested in their partners. It might also be an element of that.

Do you currently do a lot with her? Days out, holidays, casual socialising? Because it may be that she fears you're going to transfer all your attention to the new partner and she's going to be left without her friend whom she's depended upon for a lot of years.

Maybe you can reassure her that your friendship and activities will remain ongoing even if your relationship with the man turns into something more permanent?

I think she had you sorted into a box that suited her. As you were, the pair of you had had miserable and difficult lives and could always be relied upon to commiserate and validate…but do nothing much to actually change things.
You saw a chance to climb out of that box and you grabbed it, and quite rightly so. Good luck to you.
Hopefully, something might transpire that puts a different spin on her ‘lot in life’ and she might change her tune.

I think that’s a ridiculous overreaction in the context of another otherwise good friendship. It’s possible to recognise that the friend’s lack of interest in the OP’s new relationship may be because it causes her complicated emotions without deciding that this makes her somehow villainous or ill-disposed.

I know that when I, having planned to be childfree, had a child at 40, some friends without children struggled with it because it raised difficult feelings and memories for them. It would have been cutting off my nose to spite my face if I’d dumped them for being insufficiently enthused by my pregnancy.

This. I didn’t work Fridays so that I could spend time with my oldest friend, hillwalking and such.
She met a man four years ago and I rarely see her now. We used to have a joint account for gigs and stuff, but now if we go to a gig, she has to book tickets to see the same artist with him.

We could go together, but he’s an abusive cunt, so we don’t (that’s where the similarities end with your situation).

It’s not jealousy on my part- I’m happily married, but I do miss my friend very much indeed. If we do anything, he’s constantly on the phone with some made up crisis or another. Fucking twat.

Thanks. I’m shocked she would be jealous. I’ve had one miserable occurrence after another so now that I’ve found this fantastic man, I’m so disappointed ! She became quite catty on a night out some months ago. I have lost a lot of weight over the last 2 years and frankly, she was nasty about how aging weight loss is in women our age . She is morbidly obese.
She was always a very present friend but now she is trapped and sad and over wrought with responsibilities . Perhaps she’s finding it difficult to watch my life move on

You have no idea of the history between me and this woman. Maybe I should have acted sooner, in fact I know I should.

What does medium distance look like? Is she concerned for you / that it's not 'real'?

How often do you see this man and how involved are you in each other's lives? She might be waiting until you move in together to get excited or invested.

Maybe she has reservations about him?

Have you 'mentionitis'? Is she just sick hearing about him? Maybe that is not the case and I do not know her situation but if she is unhappy in her marriage maybe it is jealousy and it could be you are talking about him too much and reminding her of what shes losing in her own marriage.
You do not specify the ages of your kids but 8/9 months in is very soon to be introducing a new man to kids unless they are adults so maybe she is concerned for the kids and how intertwined your life is with him in such a short space of time? Have you dropped her for him or just not been as present in her company due to him? Of course she could just be jealous but would not be the first thing I would think of myself.

My children, family and friends have met him in a few occasions. We have never had a night in each others houses by choice . Our kids are adults and teens. I don’t mention him really. I don’t bother now. She’s not interested in hearing our days out, activities etc.
Shes met him once and again was civil and pleasant but not her usual friendly self . She has no reason to have reservations about him as it’s generally acknowledged that he is a gentleman and we treat each other like gold. It’s early days yet of course. We’re about an hour apart and only see each other once or twice per week which is a mutual thing. I know people who know him and his situation pre divorce and all accounts are positive. He is well liked and highly respected so it’s not that. Maybe it is jealousy but I hope not. We go back a long long way .

She was always a very present friend but now she is trapped and sad and over wrought with responsibilities. Perhaps she’s finding it difficult to watch my life move on

I mean, you’ve explained it right there haven’t you. You were both miserable and now you’re slim and smitten and busy having fun and it’s making her own life seem much worse. Not a mystery why she’s being off with you.

OP, the answer lies in your original post -
“Her own life is difficult. She has different issues and her marriage seems at this stage to be a convenience but she has spoken about feeling trapped and discontented with little hope for the future happiness.”

So she is “trapped and discontented” with a marriage that is rather stale, whereas you are living life because you’ve met someone who makes you happy. She has reservations because she doesn’t want him taking you away from her, and she’s also envious of your situation.

In the depths of my own abusive marriage and complex parenting demands, I was never once off with a friend who had success after misery so I do find that hard to get my head round. We have always cheered each others wins and supported each others losses . I have never been the friend who disappears once in a new relationship .

This really is jealousy OP, both of your weight loss and your happy relationship.

I haven't and wouldn't be like that either, but plenty of people are unfortunately. She's jealous and can't hide it, simple as that.

Jealous or feels left out?

Sounds like she is so miserable in her own life she cant cope with you not being miserable.

No, but people are different ... it's lovely that you are so generous spirited, you must be an ace friend, but it's very human to struggle when you see someone you've walked a similarly difficult path with start to fly while you remain stuck in the mud.

It's going to go one of two ways; either she will need a bit of time and get over it, or she will stay raw and envious and the friendship will move into the past.

You might have to grieve her and your closeness. But she isnt being catty about him at this point, so maybe she's trying. Possibly quite hard. Maybe don't mention him too much, maybe make a quiet effort to do a couple of extra nice things with her.

I think you might have to compartmentalise him and her though. It would be very hard to see you being cherished by him and then going home to be uncared for and unappreciated.