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Original poster

Closest friend cold about my new relationship in middle age

93 replies

narbaric · 30/09/2026 09:53

I’m perplexed and perhaps you could shine a light on my situation
My closest friend of forty years seems almost cold and completely disinterested about my new relationship.
Im divorced and have a really hard marriage and life generally. My children have AD and out of the blue I met a man some months ago. We’re both mid fifties .
We are together 8/9 months and in a medium distance relationship and are so so happy right now. He has been consistent, kind, loving and everything in between. My children, family, other friends and colleagues are thrilled for me as they know how unlucky I’ve been in love . They really like him also.
My friend however shows no interest when his name is brought up in conversation. She doesn’t ask me how it’s going or anything really. I’m so surprised !
She has met him once and was civil and pleasant but again when he did something really kind and thoughtful for me at a low time , which she observed, she didn’t even comment! This is not the friend I’ve known for forty years.
Her own life is difficult. She has different issues and her marriage seems at this stage to be a convenience but she has spoken about feeling trapped and discontented with little hope for the future happiness.
As a rule, she enjoys company of friends and loves a good night out as an escape but I don’t understand her . I know if I asked her she would. Shut it down.
She doesn’t know him or anything about him from his past which is clean so Im
out of ideas.
What are your thoughts here please?

OP posts:
MadamWu · 30/09/2026 12:29

We have never had a night in each others houses by choice . Our kids are adults and teens.

What does this mean? Why haven't you spent a night at each others houses?

Do you get on with his kids?

Dozycuntlaters · 30/09/2026 12:33

She doesn't want to be all enthusiastic about your relationship because she is fearful of losing you, hence she is secretly hoping it won't work out. Misery loves company, and she simply doesn't want your life working out and you to skip off into the sunset with your man. It really is that simple.

Youlostyourlemons · 30/09/2026 12:39

MadamWu · 30/09/2026 12:29

We have never had a night in each others houses by choice . Our kids are adults and teens.

What does this mean? Why haven't you spent a night at each others houses?

Do you get on with his kids?

Edited

i think this is a good thing actually shows respect for the kids if that is their family home.

Original poster
narbaric · 30/09/2026 12:49

We do not sleep in each others homes as some of our children are still at home and their home is sacrosanct .If we do work out, we’ll have plenty of time then to decode what we want . The children get on very well with respective partner but in. Casual friendly way which is what we both want

OP posts:
MadamWu · 30/09/2026 13:37

narbaric · 30/09/2026 12:49

We do not sleep in each others homes as some of our children are still at home and their home is sacrosanct .If we do work out, we’ll have plenty of time then to decode what we want . The children get on very well with respective partner but in. Casual friendly way which is what we both want

So effectively you're having fun dating at the moment, as opposed to a full on relationship.

Okay, well maybe the friend is waiting to see if it works out.

Or maybe she just doesn't like him and can't bring herself to say it. Not everyone likes everyone else.

Or maybe she's unhappy and feels trapped in her marriage and your new boyfriend is a reminder of her unhappiness.

Or could be a little bit of all of these things.

You know her best. Good luck and enjoy the dating phase!

Original poster
narbaric · 30/09/2026 14:51

Yes it could be all of those things . We are in a committed relationship in that we are exclusive and spend as much free time as we can together and have future plans but in essence we have no intention of moving in together or marriage etc . We value our own space and space for our children more at the moment .
She has no reason not to like him, she’s met him once . Perhaps she is envious which would sadden me tbh

OP posts:
Youlostyourlemons · 30/09/2026 15:58

Sounds like a great set up - not moving in and only seeing each other the odd time, nobody taking over the others lives.

Bedlingtonwarrior · 01/10/2026 17:57

She's jealous.
End of.

Comicalblackcat · 01/10/2026 18:24

Quite simply she is jealous. I wish you both all the best may you both be happy and find peace together. ❤️❤️

ChocolateCinderToffee · 01/10/2026 18:28

Could I just say, she probably realises this will mean a big difference to your friendship? I’ve had newly single friends suddenly become dead keen to meet up once a fortnight, happy to chat on the phone etc. Then they meet another man and it’s as though you don’t exist any more. It’s not jealousy, it’s feeling used.

Maighnuad · 01/10/2026 18:30

This is just a time her life that’s making her reflect on what she could have. But no reason to be mean to you. I would bring it up. And say I don’t want to lose your friendship but you seem so unhappy for me.

speakball · 01/10/2026 18:31

I know that when I, having planned to be childfree, had a child at 40, some friends without children struggled with it

oh love if some of your friends were behaving like the op outlines at the news of your pregnancy they are not your friends. not then and not now. it’s one thing for her friend to say ‘i love you op but i’m worried about xyz for me’ to the decision to make it obvious that you having a new source of joy in your life makes them want to behave meanly, because let’s be honest. that’s what it is.

What about the next good thing? should op now not mention nice things? I have no room for that level of spitefulness in a friendship. i wouldn’t do that to a friend and i expect better.

Ironfistbump · 01/10/2026 18:34

It may not be jealously per se, but maybe she’ll enjyies your company and worry she could ‘lose you’ and the socialising routine you have together. I’ve lost many friends to relationships, i’ve always been happy for them but it is sad I don’t see them again or only if they break up/have a row and they need someone to do. Not that you’d be like that.

Ironfistbump · 01/10/2026 18:35

something to do… 😬

speakball · 01/10/2026 18:43

Perhaps she is envious

envy doesn’t automatically make us unkind. in healthy circumstances when people are mature envy makes THEM admire and strive for whatever they wish they had, be it personality or skills. The decision to withhold the expected support is not evidence of her admiring you, although the way you are making changes is very admirable, it’s a taking away energy. she just wants you to wind your authentically happy neck in. It’s not nice, it’s as old as the hills, it’s not personal, you’re just the unfortunate target this season. i’m sure she ain’t all love and 🫶🏽 elsewhere in her life.

You won’t be able to tackle it because of its covert nature. I can guarantee if you try to talk about it she’s going to either pretend you’re imagining things because you’re paranoid or give you a ready made list of your flaws that she has probably been nurturing. And she will hurt your feelings in a more overt way which is just unnecessary because it wont repair anything. you won’t learn anything other than another example of how we never really know people until we’ve known them over time and seen how good at cheerleading us on they are.

inerja · 01/10/2026 18:44

You see it from her PoV. She’s trapped in a shit miserable marriage and you’re flaunting your new lover in her face. Shes not being rude. She’s probably just not in a place to hear about how wonderful he is.

speakball · 01/10/2026 18:57

She’s trapped in a shit miserable marriage and you’re flaunting your new lover in her face.

the friend knows that at ANY time millions of people are embarking on lovely relationships. Is the friend six op? and still at primary school?

If the friend has decided she gets to punish people who inadvertently give her psychological ouchies because they are happy then she isn’t safe as a friend. probably wouldn’t even want to work with someone like that. how do you feel comfortable when you know they so very easily don’t want the best for you. it’s not like op is experiencing anything outside of what is completely normal and expected in life. What on earth would her friend be like if op won 100 million pounds on the lottery AND three of those OMAZE houses?

inerja · 01/10/2026 18:59

speakball · 01/10/2026 18:57

She’s trapped in a shit miserable marriage and you’re flaunting your new lover in her face.

the friend knows that at ANY time millions of people are embarking on lovely relationships. Is the friend six op? and still at primary school?

If the friend has decided she gets to punish people who inadvertently give her psychological ouchies because they are happy then she isn’t safe as a friend. probably wouldn’t even want to work with someone like that. how do you feel comfortable when you know they so very easily don’t want the best for you. it’s not like op is experiencing anything outside of what is completely normal and expected in life. What on earth would her friend be like if op won 100 million pounds on the lottery AND three of those OMAZE houses?

From what I’ve read, she’s never said a bad word about the bf she’s just not squealing with excitement for op?

WhatNextImScared · 01/10/2026 19:06

narbaric · 30/09/2026 10:23

Thanks. I’m shocked she would be jealous. I’ve had one miserable occurrence after another so now that I’ve found this fantastic man, I’m so disappointed ! She became quite catty on a night out some months ago. I have lost a lot of weight over the last 2 years and frankly, she was nasty about how aging weight loss is in women our age . She is morbidly obese.
She was always a very present friend but now she is trapped and sad and over wrought with responsibilities . Perhaps she’s finding it difficult to watch my life move on

You’ve nailed it. She knows you have a better quality of life than her now and it’s shining an unfavourable light on her situation. She doesn’t know how to handle her emotions tactfully. You have two options really: approach her directly and tell her you’re upset that she’s being so cold and unsupportive after such a long friendship, or let the friendship drift.

speakball · 01/10/2026 19:07

she’s never said a bad word about the bf she’s just not squealing with excitement for op?

This is probably the response you’d get from your friend if you tried to talk to her op.

op said the friend ‘met him once and again was civil and pleasant but not her usual friendly self .’ and says she never asks about him. if your friend isn't asking about a new relationship something very odd is going on for them. and not good for you op.

inerja · 01/10/2026 19:21

speakball · 01/10/2026 19:07

she’s never said a bad word about the bf she’s just not squealing with excitement for op?

This is probably the response you’d get from your friend if you tried to talk to her op.

op said the friend ‘met him once and again was civil and pleasant but not her usual friendly self .’ and says she never asks about him. if your friend isn't asking about a new relationship something very odd is going on for them. and not good for you op.

You have literally no empathy. I bloody hate this attitude.
its beyond immature. Ditch a friend who’s being nice because you’re not getting the reaction you think you should be getting, regardless of what’s going on in her life, even though she’s been perfectly pleasant and has tried to keep it to herself.
yes much rather an insincere friend who’s a better actress.
good grief.
you’ve been friends for 40 years and you’re going to fall out over a man? You don’t deserve a friendship like this imo

FinallyPregnant2022 · 01/10/2026 19:25

I think there’s a bit of jealousy here - and maybe a fear of losing you to him.

Daygloboo · 01/10/2026 19:27

narbaric · 30/09/2026 09:53

I’m perplexed and perhaps you could shine a light on my situation
My closest friend of forty years seems almost cold and completely disinterested about my new relationship.
Im divorced and have a really hard marriage and life generally. My children have AD and out of the blue I met a man some months ago. We’re both mid fifties .
We are together 8/9 months and in a medium distance relationship and are so so happy right now. He has been consistent, kind, loving and everything in between. My children, family, other friends and colleagues are thrilled for me as they know how unlucky I’ve been in love . They really like him also.
My friend however shows no interest when his name is brought up in conversation. She doesn’t ask me how it’s going or anything really. I’m so surprised !
She has met him once and was civil and pleasant but again when he did something really kind and thoughtful for me at a low time , which she observed, she didn’t even comment! This is not the friend I’ve known for forty years.
Her own life is difficult. She has different issues and her marriage seems at this stage to be a convenience but she has spoken about feeling trapped and discontented with little hope for the future happiness.
As a rule, she enjoys company of friends and loves a good night out as an escape but I don’t understand her . I know if I asked her she would. Shut it down.
She doesn’t know him or anything about him from his past which is clean so Im
out of ideas.
What are your thoughts here please?

It's sad, isnt it , when that happens. I'd had a male friend for years and something very positive and successful happened to me at a certain point. Something where he was also involved in a similar line of work. He phoned me up to congratulate me but the flat tone in his voice told me everything..Over time he started to show other unpleasant behaviour and I realised that he just wasnt the person I thought he was.

Youlostyourlemons · 01/10/2026 19:30

@inerja I agree with you. Maybe she met him and took an instant dislike, maybe she has met him or knows of him from elsewhere - the only way you will know is if you ask her but if it is jealousy she is not a friend at all and I say that as someone who almost lost a friend before when she met a much younger man and thought he was the most gorgeous man alive however the instant I met him I knew I would be mopping up her tears and I was not wrong. Sometimes others can see things we cannot when we are in a bubble of lust, it is not always about wanting what the other person has.

LHP118 · 01/10/2026 19:34

No one would know. You don't.

Could be she's 1. thinking of her own relationship and sad/upset about it. 2. Jealous 3. Waiting for the honeymoon period to finish if she's now a sceptic of love and think all men are rubbish 4. Cannot think of what she should say ....

So...you could ask or you could accept she'll say something if and when she's ready.