Closest friend cold about my new relationship in middle age

[narbaric]

I’m perplexed and perhaps you could shine a light on my situation
My closest friend of forty years seems almost cold and completely disinterested about my new relationship.
Im divorced and have a really hard marriage and life generally. My children have AD and out of the blue I met a man some months ago. We’re both mid fifties .
We are together 8/9 months and in a medium distance relationship and are so so happy right now. He has been consistent, kind, loving and everything in between. My children, family, other friends and colleagues are thrilled for me as they know how unlucky I’ve been in love . They really like him also.
My friend however shows no interest when his name is brought up in conversation. She doesn’t ask me how it’s going or anything really. I’m so surprised !
She has met him once and was civil and pleasant but again when he did something really kind and thoughtful for me at a low time , which she observed, she didn’t even comment! This is not the friend I’ve known for forty years.
Her own life is difficult. She has different issues and her marriage seems at this stage to be a convenience but she has spoken about feeling trapped and discontented with little hope for the future happiness.
As a rule, she enjoys company of friends and loves a good night out as an escape but I don’t understand her . I know if I asked her she would. Shut it down.
She doesn’t know him or anything about him from his past which is clean so Im
out of ideas.
What are your thoughts here please?

good grief.
you’ve been friends for 40 years and you’re going to fall out over a man? You don’t deserve a friendship like this imo

you're talking to the friend of the op yeah. not the op?

it is not always about wanting what the other person has

it promise you it pretty much is when they’re being mean. if i’m worried about my friend i don’t get nasty.

No I’m speaking to you. I quoted you. You seem to be lacking reading skills as well as emotional intelligence and friendship skills too?

Nobody has been nasty. Jesus Christ. Why are you being so horrible about a woman you don’t even know who’s in a marriage making her miserable and shit stirring in a long friendship?!

the thing she said about the ageing op. she’d been sitting on that little jab for a while. ugh. i’d happily look 1000 years old rather than have her mind even if it meant I looked as young and gorgeous as Sabrina Carpenter. thats some ugly shit she said.

Nobody has been nasty. Jesus Christ. Why are you being so horrible about a woman you don’t even know who’s in a marriage making her miserable and shit stirring in a long friendship?!

ooh thats some nasty shit right there

That is a very good point and what I was thinking. Male-centered women are quite tedious and predictable.
They meet a guy and they completely lose their self and hang out with him every spare moment, ditching their friends for the most part and then they don't understand why their friends aren't happy for them and then the relationship goes sour and then they're back

I had a similar thing with an old bestie. I found her bf on a dating app and told her. Then they started trying to get full custody from the mother of the bf’s children and trying to play happily families after they’d been together about six months. I told her this was beyond wrong, that she shouldn’t be his nanny with a fanny and to be careful as they were trying for a baby and if hed do it to an ex he’d do it to her. She stopped contacting me, they broke up around 2 years later and she came back. I said I couldn’t be friends with someone who’d engaged in the post separation abuse of an ex.
friends sometimes see more than we want to. I’m not saying it’s the case here but nobody knows.

I have a theory about you. I think you have a weird, maybe controlling or womanising partner and you ditched all your friends for him, and now you want everyone else to do the same. Am I on the money?

Wrong thread

Op, I am that friend.. I am not 50 not in a miserable relationship but a really really good friend met someone online. (She was 26) at the time and I absolutely adore her then as I do now but there was just something about her then boyfriend that was just missing the spot with me. He was always very nice/polite/helpful to me and he was wonderful to her… but I just couldn’t relax/find joy for her.. 6 years later he pops the question , we all go home to NYC to get sorted for the wedding, he and his family (London based) where expected 2 weeks before the wedding one week for travel/sighteeeing and the second week for the wedding - they never came.
he sent her a text saying sorry. She is in London at the moment visiting my new baby and I just read your post to her and she said she knows how you must be feeling as she was so confused at the time I didn’t warm to her boyfriend. Not saying this is your situation but why not just ask her.. . Her spidery senses might be sharper than yours…

Probably a bit of envy if she isnt happy in her own life or marriage but that's not your problem so enjoy this new man in your life everyone deserves some happiness x

Sometimes people get a vibe, it doesn't necessarily haven to be due to jealousy.

Maybe she saw what your previous poor relationship did to you and is worried that you have chosen badly. She could just be feeling protective towards you.

Jealousy, nothing else.

My cousin was like this. We'd been best friends for decades, with both of us desperately unlucky in love. As soon as I met my current partner 15 years ago, that was it. She never had a nice word to say about him, or anything I did.

When I had a serious accident, she didn't even check how I was (and I nearly died). Just total silence.

That was it for me. I never spoke to her again. She tried to get back in touch a few times over the years, but I ignored all attempts. I don't need to block anyone. I just didn't reply.

She's jealous!

I'm not shocked at all. It doesn't make her a bad person, but we all a tendency to be jealous at times. My friend met someone a few years ago after being single for years, just like me. I was thrilled for her, but jealous at the same time. When I had my DS late in life, she was overjoyed for me but admitted later that she was envious as well. Are you still showing up for her as a friend? If so I would continue, she'll come around eventually. In the meantime, don't seek her approval, just enjoy the relationship.

She’s prob feeling jealous but also nervous of how your relationship may affect her friendship with you. Instead of discussing her feelings with you she is just shutting down

So people can’t be in serious relationships without sleeping at each others houses? What about people that don’t have sex before marriage, and never sleep in the same bed/house until they are married. Aren’t those people in serious relationships though?

Come on! You really couldn't work this out yourself? She made a bitter and spiteful comment about you losing weight when she is morbidly obese. Now she is cold when she sees you are happy. Hello! Of course she is intensely jealous!! It's more than obvious. I cannot tell you how many threads there have been on here over the years where someone's friend is great when the poster is doing bad. The minute they are doing good, the 'friend' gets negative, spiteful and bitter. Fairweather friends. They're only happy as long as your miserable with them. The moment you start doing better than them? They hate it. I've read so many threads where the OP had lost weight and their obese friend suddenly became sullen, and negative and putting the OP down.

She is so intensely jealous, it's like neon lights. I really don't understand how you couldn't see it.

I think this update, @narbaric sums her up well. (Yes. I’ve read the rest too).

She is unable to be happy for you about the gains you’ll gain from loosing weight because of her own size. It’s the same as the relationship. If she can’t separate her crap to be happy for you for yours, she’s not a good friend.

Glad your life is on the up!! Enjoy the new man, and the support you get else where!

It could be a bit of envy, which is natural if her own marriage isn't great. It is upsetting for you that she doesn't seem interested in something that is clearly important for you, but could it be that you talk about him too much? She might be tired of hearing about how wonderful he is. Maybe try to keep off the subject a bit and she might start asking about him.

She's jealous

Maybe try to keep off the subject a bit and she might start asking about him.

or bin off the friend who feels entitled to be mean when she is hurt by your joy!? What happens when another wonderful thing lands in ops lap, as these things do more and more when we’re fully living? knowing that her friend has that energy is just entirely the opposite of friendship. i don’t even know what you’d call it but it isn’t good. i’m a bit new age, i get the hunch that op is vibrating high or whatever any of us calls it when we see a shift in someone. And the friend finds it painful but, and this is the crux, has decided that sharing/passing on this pain to op is the right thing to do.

I dont think we have much sway over people who can be mean like this. neither can the mind unsee reality once it has. Luckily though there are always lots more of the loving, kind humans ready to be friends.

Have you .... asked her?

Get her one and one in a calm setting and say there's something i'd like to talk to you about, I've noticed X Y and Z anbout how you act about my partner, this is how it makes me feel, can you see this is where I'm coming from it seems like you don't like him and I'd like to understand and hear your side.

You say you're close friends, you should be able to have conversations like this. There's many things it could be; Jelousy (but not in the overly simplistic sinister way, jelousy is often unintentional and she may be unaware) it could be projections, transference of worries about your history and many more. Maybe she's done it intantionally, maybe se's genuinely unaware.

Continuing without giving both yourself and her the opportuinity to hear, recognise, listen, reflect and respond, isn't going to get anyone anywhere good and will only continue to breed negative feelings of frustration, resentment, accusation and suspicion.