Discovered man I’ve been seeing for 5 years is a full-blown conman running a double life.

[PurplepenguinZ]

I am completely shell-shocked and running on no sleep. I've been with a man (44) for 5 years. I thought he was a divorced single dad living with his parents due to debt. The reality has just exploded and it is a total horror show.

• He met me on a dating app claiming he was single/divorced. He has kept me completely isolated from his home, parents, and workplace for 5 years. I never even had his physical address, and after he kept cancelling and postponing my meeting his parents these past few months - he’s finally admitted last week they have no idea I exist.
• He also admitted he lied about where his parents actually live in Cheshire just to make them sound wealthier than they are.
• He completely hid the fact that he has a second son (9 years old) from me for 5 whole years, and only just dropped that bombshell. I was only aware he had a 14 year old son.
• He claims his wife (ex wife as he told me) tragically died of terminal illness (breast cancer) in May. He flashed a quick snippet photo of a death certificate to me where I only saw the date, no name last week when it all came to a complete head.
• He is now spinning a tragic story about becoming a "widowed dad" to care for his two sons, but now wants to start afresh and wants me to stage a fake "accidental park meeting" to introduce our kids and lie to them about our 5-year timeline.
• He let slip his debts were caused by a gambling addiction, and the police were called to his house last October because debt collectors were pounding on the door. He claims his late wife cut him out of the will and put the house in a trust for the kids because her mother hated him.

whilst not admitting he was having an affair these past years, he has now said he was in a loveless sexless marriage where they agreed to do the best for the kids when young and live separate lives. It sounds like a complete and utter lie and itis clear he was a fully married man who has been living with his wife and kids in the family home this entire time, and he only used me, manipulated me in some sick game. He is currently acting completely normal on calls, aggressively trying to book a weekend getaway for us next weekend, and telling me he "needs my support going forward”. I am mid 40s and reeling from everything that’s come to light the past few days. He has always caled me every day, he was always lovely, fun and seemed so normal when we were together. my trauma-bonded brain is struggling to know what to do next. Please give me the brutal, honest truth I need to hear.

Get a tracker and put it on his car.

Oh darling, block him on everything and never speak to him again. While I'd usually advise to not have anything to do with the wife I do think in this extreme situation with an obviously batshit crazy man, I'd have to find her and let her know who she is married to (if she doesn't already know). The bit about her tying money up for the kids he can't access is the only bit that rings true. She obviously has some idea who she married xxx

How much money have you given him?

Sorry,have just read your posts.
You seem to have found out about the deception in different stages over this past week.
There is likely a lot more to be revealed from him if you pursue further discussion.
I can understand you are shocked and need some detail.
However the more communication you have ,the more likely he will gaslight and manipulate.
It really is better for your own sanity to cut ties.
Delete from SM ,block his number.
Change your locks( if he has a key)/ alarm code and PIN numbers.He s in debt ,gambling history, has he conned you out of any money???
It takes a lot of planning to be so deceptive.
I d report him to the police too.
Confide in your family and friends,get over the shock and move on.
Continuing a relationship with this man would be a disaster.

I tried searching for the ex wife now wife on official death register and date of death he told me - no trace either. I am literally at a loss and he knows it.

WHY though??

Why not just ask him to show you the death certificate again, but properly this time?

Closure is a myth. You sure won't get anything approaching the truth or closure from a scammer and lying liar who lies. He used you and you might be one of many. Block everywhere and move on.

Time to deal. You got taken advantage of and lied to and you ignored red flags. Educate yourself on red flags and how to protect yourself from romance scammers and lose the gullibility. Don't take people at their word who are trying to get something from you.

Why not contact a private investigator, tell them what little information you have and see if they think its worth pursuing.
If they say its not worth doing then you can park that line of investigation.

Don’t engage with him any further. It’s hard but you’re just allowing him to continue to manipulate you with every conversation you have with him. You know what he is now and as hard as it may be to come to terms with, you have been lied to and deceived and there is NO coming back from that. Block, delete and resist any urge to have any form of contact with him ever again. He is a psychopath. Then allow yourself time to come to terms with it, through therapy or talking to friends etc. Do not engage with him in any way, shape or form ever again.

You have enough to know he’s no good. That should be closure enough. You can never believe a thing he says …it will always have ‘spin’ on it.

You are not the only one. Lots of women go through what you’ve been through. As I recall, Quora had a whole section devoted to them, exchanging experiences and advice and support

And why would he have told you the truth? That makes no sense.

He wanted to have his cake and eat it.

If he had told you the truth, his game would be over. Half the fun for these men is the superiority they feel by getting away with lies..by fooling you.

The truth would show him as a despicable person. These guys are terrified of shame. They need to feel better and cleverer than everyone else . They often have an addiction , apart from an addiction to lying. But admitting anything…that’s painful and to be avoided until they can put the blame elsewhere.

You’re old enough to know that it’s over, unless you want to be lied to again and again. He will even resent you for making him feel bad/ look bad .

I know it’s hard, but you need to get a grip now and stop wallowing. He is not worth another second of your time

There’s some good PI’s based in the UK on TikTok if that’s the route you want to go down, im sure if you have a picture of him that could be enough, this may have been answered I haven’t read all comments but do you know his place of work?

You will never get any closure from communicating with a pathological liar - he will just lie and manipulate you. Again and again.

Why? He's a sociopath/ has a personality disorder/ likes controlling women/ who knows?/ take your pick. He's just like any other romance scammer.

You will begin to regain your sanity and a certain sense of personal security by cutting this man out of your life.

Did you give him money? Why did you threaten to call police? Why did that threat prompt him to tell you about his other son? I'm not understanding a lot of this tbh, but it is reminding me of Rogue Agent on Netflix.

The sad thing is that some people CAN be this cruel and calculating. It's shit, it hurts, it makes you feel like you're going mad. Your gut has been telling you that things don't add up, but you put that aside as you're a good person, and you're measuring him by your own decent standards. That's not a fault of yours - we all want to be believe the best of others. He's lied and gaslit you for FIVE years. If he had nothing to hide, why the hell did he string you along for so long?

When my now XH and I first met, I knew he'd been married but they were long separated and in the middle of a divorce. I knew where his ex wife lived with their son. I knew their son's name and how old he was. He told me all this. I also knew his sister (XH's sister) well. I met his parents early on, I met his friends. Everything was out in the open. In the same way, he knew I was a single mum with a young son, he knew the situation with my ex (my son's Dad), he knew I was in frequent and regular contact with my ex IL's. He met my family and friends. Everything was completely in the open, as it should be. Hell, I met his ex as we all (him, me, his ex) felt it important to know each other and get along for the sake of the kids (my own son and their son).

You can search and search and try and find out who his wife, family etc are, but I don't think you'll ever get the truth, and you'll tie yourself in knots trying to get the truth. Is that worth it? I don't think so.

Be kind to yourself OP, and do yourself the biggest/kindest favour. Tell him to GTF, tell him to never contact you again, block his contact details and change your locks. He's not worth your upset or your tears or any more of your time.

And I need the truth for any closure

He's lied to you for five years and now you know he's lied. Sorry, but that's all the closure you'll get; and why anyway, knowing he's a pathological liar capable of sustaining a whole double life for years, would you even bother trying to find out what the truth is?

You don’t need closure. There is nothing to close. He has lied through his teeth so what makes you think anything he said now is true? 5 years of deception will not change in one or two confrontations.

I would consider re visiting calling the police. You obviously felt you had reason to and he obviously panicked when he thought that was your plan so why not follow through?

Why not ask them do a Claire’s Law search whilst outlining what’s happening. You never know what this may pull up and if you may end up helping someone else being hoodwinked.

take a breath. Get as much info as you can recall written down to keep focus and go to the police.

good luck

Don't try to figure him out or to understand why he did what he did. Block all contact and run.

OP, you are asking a liar, a man that has lied to you for 5 years to tell you the truth !!!! Don't be ridiculous and don't lower yourself any further. He doesn't have the ability to be truthful. He doesn't know what the word means.

This is the perfect advice OP
It seems it has been a month now since you found out his lies and you are still talking with him
Please heed the advice that you will never find out the whole truth about this man and continuing to have any type of communication with him is dangerous really do have to protect yourself if you haven't made an appointment with a counselor I would definitely do that as soon as you can because that will help you far more than continuing to talk to this sociopathic liar

Block and delete. You'll never get the closure you are looking for; he's a complete liar and a fantasist and will have you going round in circles trying to work out what is true and not true,

I'm a bit bewildered that you apparently didn't know where he lived or worked for 5 years? Surely that was a red flag very early on?

You can't possibly stay with him, particularly if you have kids. He doesn't deserve any more of your time or headspace

Just BLOCK him and never speak again.

@PurplepenguinZ you posted about this back in May under a now deleted post called 'discarded after 5 years as his ex wife has cancer'. You were given a lot of good advice in the previous thread that this man was lying to you, and you confirmed that you had been considering a private investigator for years. You have known for some time that this man has been lying to you and you have continued to see him. These are
not all sudden revelations in what was a previously happy and committed relationship in the way that you have presented here, as the previous thread contained at least half of this information. Do the right thing for yourself and your children and actually follow all of the good advice that these women are giving you. Both today, and back in May.

@PurplepenguinZ "he was always lovely, fun and seemed so normal when we were together. "

You didn't even know where he lived or worked for 5 whole years and never met his parents, friends or anyone. There's absolutely nothing normal about that. Sorry OP, but you ignored huge neon red flags. He's obviously a sociopath of the finest order, and a complete cunt too. So you block him completely in every respect.

Thanks for this. Finally this thread is starting to make some sense. No thanks to the OP.

Of course you can believe it. What you really mean here, and it's important to realise this, is that you don't want to believe it. You want there to be some thing you can grab onto to make the past years okay in some way.

Chasing "closure" with him is throwing good after bad. What you need is acceptance. Acceptance that you fell for this. Acceptance that you let yourself be fooled, even once there were some clear indicators that he wasn't exactly on the level. etc. And then you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Your closure is knowing he is a total arse. Thats it. That is seriously all the closure you need. Talking to him will not give you this closure you think it will.

Your closure is to now focus on YOURSELF.

Do not waste one more day on this POS.

Go on a retreat, get some therapy, think about starting afresh ; a whole new future .
What do you want to achieve in life? Where have you always wanted to travel? Can you go on holiday with a friend?

Take some space, find yourself, start again.

And good luck! We are all rooting for you.