Husband caught messaging other woman

[whatasituationisthis]

I woke up thismorning and saw some messages on my DHs phone from his friends girlfriend. I didn’t think much of it at first but then something felt off. I asked him about it and at first he gave me two different explanations about why he was talking and how it was very short and one worded answers. I asked to look at the messages and they have been talking constantly for 3 weeks, hundreds on messages on Snapchat, voice notes, winky emojis etc. I became so upset and throw his phone down on the sofa and when I asked to see the messages again he refused and told me I needed to calm down, he said he wouldn’t let me look again until later. They have been messaging throughout the night when I have been asleep. This girl is 19 and my DH is in his 30s. One of the voice notes from her to my DH says “why don’t you want to talk to meeee” in a whiney voice but then he has been talking to her and continuously talking to her. They have also sent photos of random things to eachother like funny photos and things. The conversation from what I saw looked slightly flirty but nothing completely obvious of being unfaithful.

he has admitted it was wrong but also has got cross with me about how upset I feel. He went to give me a hug and I turned away and he smirked and laughed and tried to invalidate my feelings.

im so sad and feel like i am overreacting.

Op it doesn’t matter what was in the messages. The interaction was inappropriate and you’ve confronted him. You now know he’s doesn’t respect boundaries

The much bigger issue here is the financial abuse. If you really can’t work you must address this. Do you get disability benefits for dc? Sounds like you should. Child benefit? These should be paid into your bank not his if you’re the main carer. You need access to your own spending money. You need a chat with him first to see if he’ll make this more fair and a chat with women’s aid if he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, you NEEED to leave.

His behaviour is damaging but more than that the underlying way he treats you is abusive. Gaslighting and withholding money are a deal breaker. I bet if we dug it would come out that it’s even worse. Be prepared op, and be ready lo leave at some point because this guys a wrongun. I’d be out the door now but I realise this is going to take a while to process. Take care

Why is a grown man in his 30s hanging around and texting with 19 year olds.

This in itself is weird af.

He's your husband and he sent you a message to say this rather than telling you face to face? Is he working away from home or something?

If he's prepred to acknowledge that he was inappropriate and it's not surprising you are hesitant to trust him given what he did, i think there is probably room to save this. But it depends on both of you - is he prepared to respect that you may want to test his integrity? And are you prepared (and able) to accept that you can't know everything and still have a respectful relationship?

Earlier you seemed focused on that fact you didn't know exactly what the other messages said. I understand why that might seem like the key to the issue, but it isn't. You can't have a good marriage when the only way you can feel safe is if you always have total control. You have to trust him. But also, it's reasonable not to trust some one who has shown you he isn't trustworthy. the question is - can you get to a place where you trust him again without needing to see his phone? Do you really, deep down, believe what he's currently telling you?

And if you don't now, will you when the the drama of going through this has washed off?

This is what you need to work out.

I can see how someone might find the attention of a friend's girlfriend (or boy friend if things were reversed) a bit flattering and thing it's innocent because they are with the friend who is much more suited to them and not realize the they are on a slippery slope. I don't think it means he was of a mindset where he'd actually sleep with him if she gave him the opportunity, at this point. But the behaviour shows a lack of boundaries, a lack of consideration for his special bond with you and a lack of understanding of how he was eroding that.

To me, from what you've said so far, him messaging you only shows that he's sorry he got caught out and is trying to paper over that. It doesn't show any understanding that he's really jeopardized your trust.

Nothing has been sorted and he expects just to move on?
@whatasituationisthis you have had a wake up call and a warning that you need to sort your life out with clear boundaries and a fresh look at the partner yiu have chosen to have a child with. You have been coasting along which is maybe OK if you are on your own with him but you both have responsibility for a very vulnerable child. It is both of your duties to do your absolute best to protect your child but you both are failing. This may sound harsh but look at the current situation:

You have a partner who has no boundaries when it comes to contact with another woman.

Instead of reassuring you he refuses to show you the phone and the hundreds of messages sent over a few short weeks by another woman. How her boyfriend is managing or if he even knows the volume is not your or your partners concern. However, if you get an opportunity just tell them while you were not comfortable with hundreds of message exchanges over a few short weeks they clearly are.

You gave up your job to look after a vulnerable child and your partner refuses you access to money. That is something you need to change ASAP. Major cause of concern.

Instead of talking and reassuring you his suggestion is if you can't accept his version is you split up! What protection do you have if this happens? Very concerning attitude.

How often are these trips away with his friends? Is he living the single life while you take care of the home and child? Why is it acceptable for one woman to tag along?

He is now communicating with you by sending messages? Why can you both not sit down and talk?

As I said earlier you have had a wake up call. You need to urgently look at what your options are going forward. You need to urgently address finances, his reluctance to allow you access to money is extremely controlling. You must reevaluate your current situation without separate income. If that means returning to employmen, part time or whatever, you must take action.

Your child must be protected. What are the options for the child if you do split up? Homeless? Mum with no access to funds or income? Having to enter a system (school) that is not suitable for or cannot accommodate their needs? Whole world is turned upside down.
Start planning, get some support and counselling. Communicate open and honestly with your partner not resort to text.

Gaslighting. If he's capable of this absolutely you cannot trust him. Call his bluff and tell him to leave!!

That doesn’t make it any better. Shows what his morals are like too. Absolutely grim.

It isn’t classed as cheating though is it? I’d class it as betrayal and invalidating my feelings.

oh and we are married! Someone asked me earlier on but I can’t remember who.

I am planning on getting myself a job, I have a decent qualification which I can use if needed. I would also get a bit more support financially if I needed due to my child’s disability. My DH is a high earner so I expect I would get maintenance from him. Yes my DC would live with me, obviously still see their dad but live primarily with myself.

To me it would be cheating- it's an emotional betrayal and followed up with trying to blame you for 'over reacting' is a classic sign of someone who would absolutely carry it through to the physical stage. I speak from bitter, bitter experience

What would have happened if you hadn’t found out and the messages had continued? Could have progressed to physical cheating maybe. Or maybe not. Nobody knows.

He was flirting with another woman though and I don’t think that’s acceptable when you’re in a committed relationship with children. Nobody can tell you what to do, only you can decide what you’ll tolerate in a relationship. Personally I wouldn’t put up with such nonsense and the lack of remorse would have been the final nail in the coffin.

Ew that would immediately give me the ick!

He still seems pretty certain that I should still trust him as he’s never given me reason not to before! And no he’s not working away, he just said he couldn’t find the words to say it to me in person as he was feeling so awful.

Did you speak about it anymore in person after the message he sent to you?
i understand the hurt your currently feeling , ive been through it myself but it is possible to move on from something like this .

is this something that has ever happened in the past ?

have you ever suspected anything like this from him previously?

also speaking to your earlier question I agree with you, I don’t see this as cheating just hugely betraying you.

He is gaslighting you