Husband caught messaging other woman

[whatasituationisthis]

I woke up thismorning and saw some messages on my DHs phone from his friends girlfriend. I didn’t think much of it at first but then something felt off. I asked him about it and at first he gave me two different explanations about why he was talking and how it was very short and one worded answers. I asked to look at the messages and they have been talking constantly for 3 weeks, hundreds on messages on Snapchat, voice notes, winky emojis etc. I became so upset and throw his phone down on the sofa and when I asked to see the messages again he refused and told me I needed to calm down, he said he wouldn’t let me look again until later. They have been messaging throughout the night when I have been asleep. This girl is 19 and my DH is in his 30s. One of the voice notes from her to my DH says “why don’t you want to talk to meeee” in a whiney voice but then he has been talking to her and continuously talking to her. They have also sent photos of random things to eachother like funny photos and things. The conversation from what I saw looked slightly flirty but nothing completely obvious of being unfaithful.

he has admitted it was wrong but also has got cross with me about how upset I feel. He went to give me a hug and I turned away and he smirked and laughed and tried to invalidate my feelings.

im so sad and feel like i am overreacting.

Why cant he ask her to stop messaging him? Why cant he just put a stop to it and block her?

Is he always this passive? Thats a hugely unattractive trait in itself.

A man in his thirties knows not to dick around messaging teenagers at all hours of the day and night. Even if he felt he was simply being a supportive friend, a normal man knows to maintain appropriate boundaries. He also listens to his wife when she expresses concerns rather than simply dismissing her.

They are due to go away together again in a couple of weeks and I said I’m uncomfortable with that if she is going to be there.

I think that would he relationship ending for me. Not because im jealous amd insecure but because I just don't have time in my life for disloyal men.

That doesn't mean I'd kick him out straight away (although, tbf, I kicked my husband out for what was technically less than this the same day) but I'd certainly be checking out of the relationship and biding my time.

I dont have any time for men who won't protect their relationship.

why are they all going on holiday together without you?

Give his friend a call. Ask him if he's aware that his girlfriend is messaging with your husband all through the night. I think you'll get the answer you need. Your husband is a lying snake and trying to flip it back on you is despicable.

@MyMilchickWell it was supposed to just be a boys holiday, racing etc but she happened to tag along too.

I also have no direct access to our family money so this is making me feel really vulnerable. I gave up my job to home school educate our DC due to SEN needs.

I’d call his mate and update him. See if your husband see if he smirks and laughs the next time they all meet up.

Tell him you've decided to go as well and see what he says.

He won’t mind if you tell his mate all about it, then will he?

I'd do that. And also get rid of him, of course.

They will be getting their story straight. He said his mate knows as he doesn’t want you to tell him. So I’d call him and tell him. I mean if it’s harmless then it’s okay if his mate is aware. If it’s not harmless then he will be seen as the sleazy creep by his friendship group.

Let him blow up his friendship group for a teenager.

I’m also surprised your husband is ‘friends’ with a 19 year old boy.

@whatasituationisthis I would call his friend and ask him if he's OK with them talking non-stop.

I just think it’s odd how only after meeting someone twice you start messaging constantly until all hours of the morning! Especially with someone so much younger. He is also awake so late he struggles to wake up in the morning and keeps falling asleep on the sofa during the day.

I'd phone his mate and say, 'I've just discovered that my husband is seeing your girlfriend and will be filing for divorce. I'm assuming it is behind your back? It's certainly behind mine and I thought I'd let you know'.

Then I'd withdraw entirely from your husband and start gathering financial information and filing for divorce.

It's not so much the messaging for me, it's the fact that he laughed like a twat when you were upset, rather than being ashamed and apologetic.

I couldn't come back from that. Also - it's a bit noncey, isn't it? He's married, in his 30s with a kid and messaging a teenage girl? Just ...no.

Should I really leave him over this? I’m so sad, he’s never given me a reason to not trust him before.

He clearly has a massive crush on her, even if nothing physical has happened. I’m not sure I could get past that tbh.

Absolutely you should! Men 🙄

Yes because you won't ever trust him again and he's clearly a disgusting individual. Priorize yourself and your child. If you don't leave, you'll be back here in a few months worrying because he's changed his phone lock, hides who is chatting to, stays out later than normal blah blah. She's 19 FFS, his behaviour is beyond grim. You will never, ever relax when he is away racing and he will never tell you the truth. He will apply become better at hiding things.

Trust your gut on whether this is a relationship ender. He's certainly overstepped a mark. The fact that he has done it shows what respect he has for you and the relationship, that he has tried to turn it back on you tells you how emotionally mature he is too. Whether you want to be with someone like that or not is what you need to decide. Lots of people are in relationships with emotionally immature people who don't treat them with respect. You don't have to leave but you now know more of who he is.

Personally before I decide to do anyting I would tell the woman's boyfriend, just matter of factly. I woudn't say they're having an affair as some have said - just that they have been messaging so much. I expect he has no idea and will not be happy and your DH's reaction will speak volumes. He (your DH) can have no gripe about you telling him because according to him he already knows.

You’re not over reacting, he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re creating a drama over nothing. Don’t fall for it.
Call his bluff and say you’re sending the messages to his friend/ the 19yo’s boyfriend if he’s done nothing wrong

Why on earth is he hanging out with teenagers?

I’m sorry OP. It’s devastating. A few things - it’s a little bit creepy that he is engaging with a 19 year old. He’s in his 30s from what I understand? I mean I’m nearly 38 and I can’t possibly think what the heck would I have to discuss with a 19 year old. And 2 - even if nothing has happened it’s sliding straight into emotional affair territory and by his reaction he doesn’t seem to see it (most likely compartmentalising as he doesn’t want to be called out on his inappropriate behaviour) and from my experience that’s where the danger lies. For as long as he is dismissing your feelings he justifies in his head to carry on until it’s too late.

@whatasituationisthis what is your DH doing being on such close social terms to a 19 year old, is it to do with weed by any chance ? Anyway I’m sorry but he sounds horrible and cocky in his reactions to you seeing the messages. I’m afraid unless he was doing a big u turn and sustained it for a long while I would want to get away from him

I think this really only a decision you can make rather than asking for advice from people on here.

has he acknowledged any wrong doing whatsoever ever ?

does he have a track record of this ?

I know you said the messages seemed flirty but was there any outright unfaithful messages?, not saying even talking to another woman in its self it right but in do feel that knowing in what context the messages were sent would help you make your decision.

this is a really tough situation but I feel it would be a bit rash to make this call without seeing how he handles it going forward. ask him to block her, say your not happy with them going away again even as a group and see how he responds, if he’s defensive on either of those requests then that speaks for itself self.