Husband caught messaging other woman

[whatasituationisthis]

I woke up thismorning and saw some messages on my DHs phone from his friends girlfriend. I didn’t think much of it at first but then something felt off. I asked him about it and at first he gave me two different explanations about why he was talking and how it was very short and one worded answers. I asked to look at the messages and they have been talking constantly for 3 weeks, hundreds on messages on Snapchat, voice notes, winky emojis etc. I became so upset and throw his phone down on the sofa and when I asked to see the messages again he refused and told me I needed to calm down, he said he wouldn’t let me look again until later. They have been messaging throughout the night when I have been asleep. This girl is 19 and my DH is in his 30s. One of the voice notes from her to my DH says “why don’t you want to talk to meeee” in a whiney voice but then he has been talking to her and continuously talking to her. They have also sent photos of random things to eachother like funny photos and things. The conversation from what I saw looked slightly flirty but nothing completely obvious of being unfaithful.

he has admitted it was wrong but also has got cross with me about how upset I feel. He went to give me a hug and I turned away and he smirked and laughed and tried to invalidate my feelings.

im so sad and feel like i am overreacting.

@BeBluePoet Yes he has said he over stepped the line but said I was over reacting and laughed at me when I didn’t want a hug just after finding the messages.

I saw some winky emojis and a voice note of her saying “whyyy? Don’t you want to talk to me?” And after that I got so upset I gave his phone back and then he didn’t let me look anymore because of the way i acted.

I just wish I knew what the rest of the messages said.

It’s hugely unfair of him to force all the focus onto how he feels about your reaction to finding these messages….thats worrying in itself. If it’s your boundary (and I would say it’s a completely normal one) to not want your husband extensively private messaging and flirting with another woman then that’s your boundary and you have every right to want to discuss that further with him!
My advice would be to approach a marriage counsellor early doors, especially if you wish to try and keep the relationship but you can’t see a way to trust him (especially if he is trying to minimise your feelings as a way to force you to move on). These things rarely go away if you ignore them, you’ll just end up resenting him and losing all respect. He needs to repair this if you stand a chance and he needs to accept a new set of clear boundaries, as clearly you had assumed that this set of circumstances could never happen…but he seems to think it’s acceptable..you have a mismatch.

When does he care for your SEN child? He has time for multiple trips away with friends and to message another woman all night, he shouldn't have.

Try and find evening work to get some financial independence and tell him it he will be caring for your child in the evenings from now on. Give him a reason to be exhausted.

You are in a vulnerable position and quickly getting some legal advice would be a good decision. He sounds worse with every update

I'd get screenshots, send it to his mate and then I'd leave.

I can’t get screen shots as he’s not letting me look at any more of the messages!

Your husband is in his 30's, doesn't matter if he's 30 or 39, and is messaging the 19 year old girlfriend of his friend. There is a distinct power imbalance here, due to the age gap and life experience.

I rather suspect that your husband has been flattered by this young woman's attention. He's given barely any thought to the fact she's 19, and he's older/married/is a Dad. He's thinking with his dick.

I don't think anything physical has happened between the two of them at the moment. However, given the chance, I'm not convinced your husband would turn her down.

Why does your husband need to ask his friend, to stop his girlfriend messaging him?! Is he incapable of telling this young woman himself?!!

Your husband has now given you a reason to not trust him! Your husband is staying up so late, to message this woman, he's struggling to get up in the morning and is falling asleep on the sofa during the day! Even if they were purely friends, that's odd behaviour and rather intense! He's way too invested in these conversations, for his interest in her to be platonic.

Of course, his friend isn't aware! Your husband is telling you that his friend wouldn't care, that his girlfriend is messaging him...I bet that wouldn't be the case at all!! He's bluffing!

Why don’t you have access to the family money??

Tell him to tell his mate so he can fuck your husband off and the girlfriend

@Soulhorse I don’t really know, I’ve asked him so many times but he says “he wants to keep track of what’s in the bank” he’s not short of money so it’s got nothing to do with that either.

He hasn’t bought anything up to me tonight, he’s just been quiet and then fell asleep.

But surely he should be trying his best to apologise / listen to how you feel. He's a waste of space. Things will not get better.

You have one life, don't waste it on someone who doesn't care about you as much as you care about them.

Text his friend and tell him. Then dump him.

There are a number of problems with your relationship which the texting has highlighted.
He is controlling you when it comes to finances. You have no direct access to.money and you have left yourself extremely vulnerable. Sort that out immediately. You should have had a clear understanding on finances when you made the decision to.home school your child.

His actions and reactions re the texting is a clear indication that he doesn't respect you. It's unfortunate that you didn't screenshot them but you know what you saw and heard. He has left you upset and is not too bothered. His unwillingness to reassure you is a real concern. As he is not willing to have a reasonable discussion tell him you will contact his friend to confirm he is ok with if all. If you do contact his friend don't text, speak to him. Tell him what you found, tell him your husband said he was aware. Then tell him the volume and context of some of the messages made you feel uncomfortable.

What doesn't make sense is why your husband would contact his friend to ask his girlfriend to stop contact. They have exchanged numbers and are in regular contact so why not do it direct?

You need some space and time to unravel all of this. Have you family or friends you could go to for support? Speak to.them and try and get away to sort your thoughts.

He needs to understand that you are taking this very seriously. Not only his ongoing 'relationship ' with this other woman but his failure to acknowledge his part in it, his failure to be honest and transparent with you and the damage it will cause to your family unit.

You said he was away a few weeks ago on a jolly and is off again shortly. Are these regular? Do you get breaks?

How often does he go on holiday without you?

Get a job. Get him to do more with his child. Get your ducks in a row and leave him.

No reason not to trust him?

He’s absolutely deluded.

You don’t trust him because of his disgusting behavior texting his mates 19 year old girlfriend. It wasn’t a functional text to ask a question or make plans - it’s drawn out messaging that sounds like flirtation.

He’s manipulating you, making threats about why the relationship should be over because you don’t accept his shoddy underhand behaviour.

This isn’t you. It’s him.

Well he clearly doesn't respect or care for you since he's not even trying to explain or make you feel better. He obviously thinks so little of you he would just laugh at you, wtf!

Sorrynits clear he doesn't like you any more
He will either play nice now and delete everything and you won't be able to bring it up again. You'll live paranoid of this forever

Or he will carry on as he thinks you're a mug and he can say what he likes and you'll just believe him

Maybe it's time you go through his emails and phone etc in a week or so once it's died down and he thinks you've forgiven him. Get financial details nd info, pension providers, stuff to do with the house. Take pics of it all

If he is feeling guilty and trying to play nice and make it up to you (option 1) then you can come down hard and demand access to financial, say you're going back to work.. basically use this to elevate and secure your own position. So think about it, maybe find a school for your child that's rated well for sen or get a part time job at the least. Consider this a wake up call that you can't rely on him or trust him so you need to be less vulnerable

Are you married?

DH told me tonight that his friend (the 19 year olds boyfriend) had called him saying “she is cross because you blocked her” this all makes no sense. I also remembered when I first noticed a few messages on DH phone he said “don’t worry I wouldn’t be talking to a child”

It would be Goodbye from me yuk 🤮

It wouldn’t even matter to me if the conversation had been flirty or not. A 30-something man messaging a teenager at all hours is just not OK. I’d lose all respect for him, honestly.

Are his mates in their 30s too? So they had a "boys" holiday of 30 yr old blokes that one 19 yr old girlfriend tagged on to? That would have me raising my eyebrows especially hard, though I'd be uncomfortable with a mixed aged "boy's" holiday with one girlfriend tagging along. That's a weird dynamic and brings into question what they're going away for.

But regardless - of course you don't trust him if he's frequently texting and flirting (however mildly) with another woman.

I don't know that it's enough by itself to leave him for, I think that's the sort of thing most couples could work through, but that and him pretending it's not a big deal is. Because you can't work through it if he doesn't acknowledge it and understand what he's done.

@AmnesiacsDream All of his friends are late 20s/30s apart from one man who is 19 and that’s who’s girlfriend it is.

I just don’t understand how her boyfriend could be okay with the amount of messages I saw, voice notes etc…. She also hasn’t been in contact with any of the other men apart from my DH

I just feel as I wasn’t able to read the rest of the messages after I gave his phone back I don’t know what else was said, am I being dramatic or not?

DH did send me a message yesterday saying how sorry he is and he knows it was wrong to message her and he’s sorry that the messages disrespected me and there was never any intentions behind it etc.

Time to get back into paid employment. Actions have consequences as your DH will find out.

If he wants forgiveness and to keep his marriage he needs to be 100% transparent otherwise you’ll imagine the texts, and you could imagine worse than they actually are.