How common is it for men against marriage to marry the next GF?

[carkey26]

How many people do you know where the man has told his long-term partner he doesn't believe in marriage / won't get remarried etc only to marry (usually pretty soon!) the next girlfriend who comes along?

This happened to me although quite a few years ago, and it was so humiliating. A lot of lessons learnt there!

I'm just curious how common this is. I don't actually know anyone else it's happened to.

I've known of quite a few!

I was only involved personally with one - and it was commitment rather than marriage with him - but we'd been together for 3 years and I cut him adrift when I realised at the age of 25 that he wasn't ever going to love me.

He met and married another woman within 3 months of us parting!

Happened to me. My husband was in a relationship for 11 years before meeting me, he had gotten engaged but they never married, he said it just wasn't something that interested him, they got engaged due to family pressure (living together, engaged meant it wasn't quite as scandalous), they broke up eventually, we started dating a few months later, didn't live together (100 miles apart), got engaged after 6 years, married 18 years now, he says this relationship was different from the beginning and I feel the same, I had been engaged previously too. I think its often just not the right person at the right time until it is.

Happened to me.

In my experience when they say they don’t believe in marriage, they mean “you’re not the one.” That’s it.

I wonder about the psychology of this.

My best guess for this pattern is:

Man is genuinely against marriage
Says this in his relationship
Partner is either OK with this or not
If not, it eventually ends the relationship
But he can't change his mind in the context of that relationship without losing face
But the next relationship he knows he'll lose it unless he commits so starts on a different foot having gone through the experience of it breaking a relationship.

I do know a bunch of men who are anti marriage and they are still with their partners, mothers of their children because they have been women for whom a ring wasn't really a thing they were bothered by.

It happens often, I’ve known a handful of men who’ve done it. One had really not thought he’d ever wanted marriage or babies, they were an arty nomadic sort of couple who’d been together about 15 years. They split up and he met someone a while later who he decided he had to marry and he did. It wasn’t a slight on his ex, his opinion just changed when he met someone else.

I think it's fairly common. They are the types that settle for a relationship that isn't really quite right for them because it's convenient for them. Then the one they meet afterwards that really bowls them over and they want to be long term with, they marry fast. They're used to having a woman's care, it's just the long term gf wasn't the right one.

Do these marriages tend to last?

In my case, he was definitely the type to just use people for however was convenient. Various women in my life with more experience of marriage (my mum, friends etc) said he was just too selfish to make a marriage work so I'm slightly curious how it turns out. But I never check his social media / ask mutual friends etc. Could have already ended for all I know!

My mother had a friend who was with her DP for 20+ years. He wasn’t interested in marriage or kids. They split up and within a couple of years he was married with a couple of kids. It was too late for her to have children by that point.

My DH.

He was living with someone for 3 years before we met. He wasn’t interested in marriage or buying a house with her.

He ended the relationship because she was focused on marriage and he didn’t want that. Within 3 months of meeting we were living together and engaged at 6 months. We married a year later. He says she just wasn’t the right person for him and he knew immediately I was.

It’s been 20 years for us so I’d say yes, they absolutely can.

Partner and I are middle aged.

We have both had periods of being single but mine have been longer, he is a long term relationship type of person.

My partner has never been married. I was married once (short marriage, no kids and ended on my part) and have since said I don’t really see the appeal of it unless you have kids together.

I understood from him when we met that he didn’t get married to his first partner as his dad told him it wasn’t wise financially. Neither of his only 2 long term relationships lasted (or were that great in hindsight) and he said he just had a gut feeling it wasn’t the right thing to do, although the last partner did pressure him to propose (so he did) but shortly after they split permanently for other reasons and were nowhere near a wedding.

I’ve since heard him say he isn’t anti marriage, but in all honesty, I don’t think he would pursue this unless I did, and I’m not going to because I don’t care about it enough anymore.

I used to care a lot, and hold it as a sign of commitment but then married the wrong man myself 😂

It’s not just men who settle either, women stay for long periods for financial and children reasons too.

Yes I think I've seen both in my experience. Certainly there are men (and women!) that find themselves in long term relationships which aren't quite right for various reasons but don't necessarily realise this or break up right away, they can then justify to themselves and others that they don't believe in or aren't ready for marriage when really it's the relationship that's the problem. Once in a different relationship it turns out they suddenly do believe in/want marriage after all. I think that's particularly the case for younger people with maybe their first long term relationships where it's quite easy for them to change and grow into different people. I don't think these people are any more or less likely to eventually divorce than people who didn't have a prior long term unmarried relationship.

But equally I do know of people who are strongly anti-marriage for various reasons and they really mean it, so whether or not their current relationship endures I'd be really surprised if they did end up marrying anyone. Usually they have very valid reasons, not just a vague 'not believing in it' , to do with e.g. prior experience of marriage or wanting to prioritise/ protect existing DC. I don't think that's morally wrong so long as they're upfront with partners about it. It seems harsh if the implication is that these people can only ever have short term relationships or their partners are forever implied as being second best and just waiting for the actual right person to come along?

I think men are more likely to be with someone because it's easy, than women are, because they get an easy life with someone else doing all the wife work, even if they din't want an actual wife and the financial commitment that comes with that.

They marry when they meet someone they believe they can't live without - IME men are more emotional like that than women are.

I know it's old fashioned but there's a lot to be said for not letting him have the benefits of marriage without marrying you, if that's what you want from him. Not because he'll marry you then, but because you'll find out earlier that he doesn't have any intention of marrying you.

Very few men are actually against marriage on principle, in my experience. It's just that the woman they refuse to marry is only 'good enough for now' and he's just not that into her.

If a man refuses to marry a woman after several years together then I'd always advise getting rid, as he's likely to just be a time-waster who will eventually toss her aside when he either gets a better offer, or gets too bored.

I would have put a lot of money on my ex not being faithful to his wife (whom he barely knew when they married) - but they're still together... 43 years and two kids later!

Women also stay because they are relying on men financially. If this is the dynamic you choose to have kids without marriage and your RS is unequal, you are doing the wife work without legal framework but he is still supporting the family regardless of the legal title also.

The only reason IMO to get married is to protect yourself financially if you have kids and split, and if he won’t marry you before you have kids, and you think you will need this protection, then don’t have kids with him.

Once you are older and there are no kids it’s a lot easier to leave a man when there is no marriage involved 😂

i Think this plays differently at different life stages. The more senior people I have known are intentionally not remarrying because it messes up inheritance. They would just rather have a romantic relationship.

for people at the start of the adult path, it’s entirely different. In most cases, if there is reticence, it’s because you aren’t the right person.

There are always going to be people who are truly opposed to the legal contract of marriage. If they are serious about the relationship, I would expect those people to be meeting with a solicitor to set up alternative legal arrangements.

Honestly? I’ve never met a man who genuinely didn’t believe in marriage. I’m 50 and I’ve known guys from all sorts of social classes, religions, nations, and none of them has ever truly felt that.

I’ve met several years back who didn’t want to marry Person A because “marriage is unimportant” but then married Person B a few years later.

I also know divorced guys in their 50s and 60s who are monogamous and loved-up with their partners but CBA with remarrying. Lots of middle-aged women are like that too, though!

But I would advise a woman in her 20s/30s that if marriage is important to her and her boyfriend refuses, he’s the wrong bloke to be having kids with. Move on.

It is not uncommon

Friend of mine did this

he had a pretty dysfunctional long term relationship in which he told her he didn’t want to get married. They eventually split up, he got together with someone else and were married within a year. They’ve been married for coming up to 20 years and are very happy and well suited.

Happened to a friend of mine. I did always think they were a mismatched couple as they had no obvious chemistry and were from very different backgrounds - he was South American and a practising Catholic whilst she is a practising Jew. But they were together for around 10 years so clearly they worked. He did eventually propose because otherwise the relationship ended but he ended it soon after as he never wanted to get married.

He met someone else a couple weeks later, and now they’re married with a child.

One.

It seems to come up on here most weeks. My guess it its quite common but there's not necessarily one like this at every bus stop.

I wouldn’t marry again and plenty of men I know are the same.

But I do think there’s something about going through a breakup and being single that focuses the mind for a certain type of men.

They lose all their girlfriend privileges and are alone having to do everything for themselves. So locking down the next one that comes along is a sensible move for them.

There’s no motivation to change their outlook in a long term relationships, only afterwards when they see what life is like.

Two that I can think of immediately.

Yeah, my dc’s dad.

A friend of mine.

I think it’s indicative of someone who can’t or won’t be honest with themselves, with those close to them, or who goes along with what a stronger personality wants.