How common is it for men against marriage to marry the next GF?

[carkey26]

How many people do you know where the man has told his long-term partner he doesn't believe in marriage / won't get remarried etc only to marry (usually pretty soon!) the next girlfriend who comes along?

This happened to me although quite a few years ago, and it was so humiliating. A lot of lessons learnt there!

I'm just curious how common this is. I don't actually know anyone else it's happened to.

Same with Kimberly Guilfoyle. She was engaged to Donald Trump Jr. for a number of years but they separated and he married Florida socialite Bettina Anderson instead pretty soon after.

My husband never wanted to get married until he met me. He was with his ex before me for five years and hadn’t proposed. We were married within two and a half years.

Happened to me! He was heartbroken when I left him - together 10 years Because he wouldn’t marry me - yet still he refused to marry me.

He married his next girlfriend. We are still friends and I am just realising I have never asked him why her and not me ( we are still friends ). I will do next time I see him.

I have never managed to get married and I always wanted to .

Happened to my cousin. I just wish the guy would have been honest with her and ended the relationship.

She is in her 40’s now and full of self doubt and lack of confidence.

I worked with a lady (who seemed emotionally younger than her years which is why I nearly put girl) who was very starry eyed about her boyfriend of 14 years. No ring, but lived together, and she was so desperate to be a Mum.. Out of the blue he dumped her, and was married to someone else very rapidly and the wife was pregnant within 12 months. Sadly my colleague’s next boyfriend was from the same mould and did the same to her after about 5 years together. She’s still unmarried, and no children, and due to her age, they aren’t a possibility now. Nice lady but wasted her years on the same type of bloke - cocklodgers.

Horrible he was stringing her along for 3 years. She was a convenience to him that was useful for sex and probably housework. He should have had the balls to end it sooner.

I think when you are in your 20s and 30s it seems to happen more frequently. If they haven't been married by end of 30's it's likely they don't like marriage or can't get a relationship to that stage. I am wary of any man in his 40's+ who has never even proposed. Especially if they seem to suddenly decide they do want a wife, usually as soon as they are bald with a paunch and can't pull the 20 year olds and instead decide they want a nurse with a purse.

This happens a lot. My take on it is :
takes current partner for granted - relationship ends
suddenly panics - feels weird
meets someone younger / prettier
decides to hang onto them so they aren’t perceived as having another failure ( and also good for the ego )
seals the deal with marriage baby etc
yay ! Suddenly they are a winner.

It happens a lot. When a man says he doesn't want to get married, it actually means he doesn't want to get married to you. Many women only realise this when their ex gets pretty swiftly married to his next girlfriend. And the same goes for men who 'don't want to have kids.'

I know a man who genuinely doesn’t believe in marriage. Luckily, his partner of 25 years feels the same way and when civil partnerships became available to straight couples, they got one of those. But they treated it as a legal formality - the man didn’t want any kind of celebration.

I’ve never read that before but it makes sense. That’s what my (long long time ago) ex boyfriend of 5 years did. We were living together, and had even had dinner th week before with his brother when they were discussing who would sit where at our wedding and who would have to manage difficult uncle Bob etc. so it was a bolt from the blue when he ended it. I brought up the dinner convo and he said “I was talking about MY wedding not OUR wedding.” I knew then that he had someone else lined up. And reader, he married her.

Being circumspect she was from a far higher class than him and that impressed him and they were married to a huge fanfare, right down to a feature in the County mag. And two children in rapid succession. Then he was bored with that and started banging his neighbour and anyone else available. She was like his Brood Mare and apparently had a nervous breakdown with the horror of the pivot of it all. They’re divorced now of course. She never went on another date again, and lives alone. I feel desperately sorry for her now. I was devastated when he finished with me but I dodged the biggest bullet which she then took straight on. What a bastard.

Yes pretty common. Maybe their former partner or even the time and place just wasn't "right". But like a lot of men they haven't got the balls to say. Or maybe it's just convenient for them to jog along with indifference until they suddenly realise that they're not getting any younger.

This is what I find so sad, the next woman buys whatever story they give about why they are cheating/the "overlap" or whatever and how terrible the ex is. I do like to think that the internet has changed this in the last decade or two, as we are all aware how much men lie and calling the ex a psycho would be classed a 'red flag' now. I suspect this is why marriage rates and childbirths are dropping globally. Men can't swing from one to another as seamlessly without leaving a trail these days...

The gullibility and desperation of some women astounds me. I can’t believe my ex is still trotting out the same ‘victim’ story and despite him having three children with two women, and a string of exes, he’s still able to jump from one woman to the next. Each time they are ‘the one’ and “it’s different” and each time it follows the exact same pattern. My children are done with him, and even this isn’t enough of a red flag for his current fiancé.

Not unusual. The man who says he doesn't want to get married ever or not for years, may well turn out just not to want to marry his current partner.

I agree with a previous poster who suggested that if marriage is important to you, don’t be too quick to hand over all the perks of marriage, before you get a ring on your finger. Having his baby won’t usually make him more likely to commit (if he didn’t want to before).

It is very sad that some women are still taught to see men as a prize and marriage as winning life. It means they both forget a lot of important values along the way I think.

Yes I do feel quite icky about the tone that always creeps in to these threads of how the woman who ends up married to the useless previously resistant man has somehow 'won'. I don't like the idea that relationships are transactional and in 'giving the man what he wants', which is usually something involving the woman's body or labour, sex, cleaning the house, babies etc without the 'prize' of marriage, the woman is gullible or a victim, or at the very least someone who was just passively waiting for the man to make his mind up, rather than someone who was an equal and active participant in the choices made in relationship (and yes it is a choice to not marry as much as it is to marry). There's often also a nasty undertone that the woman has somehow surrendered or given up her body to the man or sold it but without getting a fair 'exchange rate', nasty attitude that, whereas surely she wanted the sex, the babies etc too, it's not like she was being forced to have these things against her will (you'd presume, if not then the lack of wedding ring is by far not the problem to see here).

Personally rather than teaching my DDs to 'value themselves' by insisting on marriage first, I'll be encouraging them to do what works for them primarily and put themselves first, if they want to get married because it works for them then great but they absolutely shouldn't need it for any external reasons like social approval, and if it is what they want there's no need to sit and wait for the man to propose or to be ready. Plus if they want babies they should 100% do so because they want them, and because they think the man will be a good father, absolutely not a good idea to have a baby to fix a bad relationship, and of course if they want marriage and the man isn't willing that doesn't bode well for him as a father, but also it is fine to have a baby when not married if that works for you - it's not obligatory!

Hugely common.
Very much now where it might suit a man to share costs with the benefits of comforts, but with no intention of a long term commitment.
The good enough for now scenario.
It's on MN a lot.

Great post. I am the same. Proposed to multiple times and decided not to marry for various reasons. I am financially independent and am teaching my DDs to be as well. Many men haven't caught up yet and still think they are a prize with no reason - they can't cook, clean, look after their money, be faithful, have a conversation... when you add that on top of the usual issues of a relationship (how to parent, religion, holidays - as in who books and chooses where to go and what to do, long term financial goals) many women are better of alone if they can afford it. I think I am actually very lucky that one of my DD's is lesbian and has a lovely partner who is just as good with money as she is!

@carkey26 I will stick my neck out here and say I reckon most people know at least one person this has happened to. It's usually the man who won't get married in my experience, and yes, when the relationship breaks down after 9-10 years, he is married to another woman within 2 years. I know around half a dozen couples this has happened to.

Also seen the same with a man who doesn't want children. Deprives a woman of being a mother for the best of her most fertile years, then when they split, within a year he is with another woman who is pregnant within six months.

One woman I know had her husband (married 8 years/together 14,) say he didn't want children, (so she didn't have them when she wanted them.) He left her after 14 years together for another woman who was 5 months pregnant by him when he left. She was 41 at the time, and her best years (to have a baby) were behind her. She was absolutely devastated.

Also have known quite a few couples who have been together 8, 9, 10 years - (and even longer, like 12 or 13,) and they get married. Then split up within a year or two. I know 2 people very close to me who this has happened to.

My husband was engaged to his ex for about 7 years before we met. They finished & we got together about 4 months later. We got engaged after 5 months together but didn't marry until 11 years later. We've been married nearly 20 years.

I think for majority the woman they are with is just not the one. DH proposed within a year, he basically said afterwards that when you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with you just know and it’s best to get that ring on the finger asap.

I actually agree with men being deeply romantic sometimes, they can be really taken with a woman. It’s not a matter of better or worse or any reflection on anyone but I would say if your partner is telling you they don’t believe in marriage they probably do mean they just don’t want to marry you, don’t ever wait on a man.

I don’t think that for a lot of women it’s about winning a prize. It’s simply about the commitment, I would never have children out of wedlock for example, anything can happen and I wanted to make sure I was legally covered and any children I have are covered as well. I think thats just sensible. I think it’s also very human to want someone to tie their life to yours in an explicit way.

I’ve been treated shabbily by previous boyfriends, having DH propose was wonderful for me not because I managed to get a proposal out of a man but because the man I loved loved me too and was willing to squish his life with mine completely.

I would never encourage of discourage my DD from getting married, all I would ask that whoever she chooses is good for her and makes her life better.

So he strung her along until you came along. Nice.