How common is it for men against marriage to marry the next GF?

[carkey26]

How many people do you know where the man has told his long-term partner he doesn't believe in marriage / won't get remarried etc only to marry (usually pretty soon!) the next girlfriend who comes along?

This happened to me although quite a few years ago, and it was so humiliating. A lot of lessons learnt there!

I'm just curious how common this is. I don't actually know anyone else it's happened to.

I’ve heard of it a few times. ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ is the usual excuse - until they meet someone they do actually want to commit to. Or maybe the woman sets an ultimatum - one that works.

One poor girl was with the bloke for 9 years.

A neighbour’s dd refused to actually live with her bloke unless they were married. They’re still married around 30 years later.

Was with my ex for six and a half years. We broke up and he married six months after. They are still together now 15 years later.
🙃

I have seen four men do this. Strung the women along until she gave them an ultimatum.

Then married the next woman. In one case he got married less than a year later.

My DH was with his previous GF for 10 years. She wanted marriage, he didn't. He says they would've split up sooner than they did, but they owned a property which slowed things down. We've been married for 23 years, together for 34.

I have seen this many times now. The clear advice should be if they don't comit you do need to walk away to avoid the time wasting. What I will be telling my own daughter.
I have friends who lost their fertile years due to men like this. The men of course go on to marry quickly and have children despite refusing to marry and have children with the previous partner.
I have watched 4 if my husbands friends do this and I can think of 8 female aquantances, friends and colleagues over the years who I have known to have this happen if you need to know how common. ( I work in a very female dominated profession)

My ex always said he didn’t believe in marriage, was just a piece of paper, etc. He left me and our DCs, and met and married someone fairly soon afterwards. She has very wealthy parents, which I think would have made a huge difference to his ‘beliefs’.

My brother in law, he was with his ex for around 15 years and wouldn’t settle down/get married/have kids, at 39 she finally left and within a year he was having a baby with someone else, 2 years later he had the big wedding, house 2 kids etc
feel incredibly sorry for the girl that has given up her opportunity have the family she always wanted for him.

I have seen it happen a few times.

Can be because the man is not as averse to marriage as he says but knows he doesn't want to marry the "placeholder partner". Not always as callous as deliberately keeping her hanging on - he can think he's happy in the relationship but the next one makes him next level happy.

Can be because he thinks he's too young, carefree and handsome to marry ... then splits with the long term partner he's been with since his youth and realises he's actually not that young/good-looking any more and marriage might actually be in prospect, particularly as he'll need an extra carrot to attract and then hang onto the sort of new partner he wants. I know someone exactly like this. New partner was much younger and gorgeous and made very clear if marriage isn't going to happen then I'm off. He was adamant he would never have children either. Guess what ... he's now a dad.

Yeah I think there are some of them just learn a hard lesson then act accordingly when they meet the next woman they like.

I know women like this and as low earners they are so vulnerable in the event of breakup.

Mine decided he didn't want children, despite all the promises we would have. Within a year he had a girlfriend that had a toddler. He's been raising that "toddler" for years now, as "dad" (rather than first name).
I realise now that I just wasn't the right person for him, I wish he'd told me that much sooner though!

Yeah I know someone like this. He married my friend and had a family super quick but I felt so sorry for his ex - she was a lovely woman who wasted her best years on him.

I do think that some young women are their own worst enemies though. Waiting for a romantic proposal instead of having a grownup discussion.

I wish I could warn all twenty year old women about future-fakers and the common law wife myth. It would save some of them a bit of bother over the next fifteen years.

My friend was with someone for over 10 years - he then left her and married someone 5 months after meeting her. Really weird.

I have no idea why that is, but probably down to them not wanting to settle with the first partner for some reason.

See also “I definitely never want children”. Same playbook.

I do think these guys are simply waiting for someone better to come along. Wealthier, younger, "higher status" - and when they get them they make sure they keep them. This is why I think staying with someone who refuses to commit (when you want to) is insane.

You want kids and marriage, your partner says "no" - don't wait to change his mind, bin him.

As you guys have subsequently realised, when it was the right person at the right time, the ring goes on rather easily

My brother was with his ex for many years but refused to marry or have children. She ended the relationship because she wanted marriage and a family. He then within two years met and married his next partner. They have a baby on the way now. He’s talked to me about it as we are close. He dearly loved first partner but genuinely didn’t want the marriage and dc. After they split he dated but it seems everyone he dated also saw marriage and dc in their future. So he felt that he’d just have to do these things to stay with the next person he fell for. So he meets now wife and she also wants the stability of marriage and dc. So he does that to sustain the relationship and stop another person leaving him.

he did initially try to get back with his ex when he realised most women would want the same but she had moved on herself.

It happened to a friend of mine. Three months after they split up, he married someone else. She was devastated.

DH also had a long term girlfriend before me - I think they had been together about eight years. They split up, we got together and were engaged within four months and married a year later.

My DH.

He was with his ex for 14 years, she wanted marriage and children. They had 3 kids but never married, were engaged at one point but no dates or anything ever sorted. Eventually split up which had been on the cards for a while as she had met someone else (no longer together).

We met 6 months later. Got engaged 5 years later and have been married 2 years now.

I do feel for her as I think she is still upset about it. He told her about engagement / wedding before we told the kids so she was prepped and she was very upset. When it was mentioned or talked about in her prescence (rarely) she would be tearful or awkward with the kids. Even last month I was referred to as 'DH's wife' at one of the kids birthday parties and she immediately left the room.

I agree with this. ExH didn't want to marry his GF after I left him. He was wary due to our divorce. So she left him. The 2nd GF after me wanted to get married so he wifed her fast, in case he lost her too.

Ex partner same. Didn't want to make a commitment to marry me so I left him (twice divorced so I understand the reticence). He's now engaged to someone and I presume they'll marry.

I think once they realise women will just leave if they're not getting what they want, men will accept they have to make a commitment even if it isn't their preference if they otherwise value the relationship.

See, I don't think it is this. I think it's classic bloke, wanting less of a commitment but realising women aren't up for it after they've been left once, so they have to marry the next one to keep the relationship.

I did this. Shouldn’t have bothered, I was right first time. Never again.

I think it's probably some of both, depending on circumstances. There are placeholder users who know that's what they're doing. There are blokes who'd have stayed in the earlier relationship if they could and who'd also not bother marrying the next one if they could, but the loss of the first makes them change their behaviour.

My dh was with his ex gf for 22 years, he wasn’t happy as such but they got together young and he wasn’t bought up to leave a relationship unless someone cheated (yes his parents did have a long miserable marriage caused by being totally incompatible but sticking it out now you ask 🤨)

Anyway she shagged someone else and we were engaged 6m later.