How would you handle a competitive sister-in-law without causing family tension?

[BloomingTulips]

NC’d for this one as concerned it may be slightly outing…. But need some advice on how to manage a relationship with my SIL.

Essentially I’m married to one of many brothers and one of my SILs will not stop competing with me and it’s driving me potty 😂.

Basically anything I say or do, she has either done it before, done it better, or it’s rubbish or a bad decision.

Examples include:

• ‘You’re waiting too long to have your next child’ (she was at that time childless and eldest was only 2 at that point - and no idea we’d had miscarriages).
• Someone congratulated me on my work promotion and asked how I felt about my new remit and butts in with a ‘well I’ve been doing that already for 9 months’ (we are at totally different stages in different industries - I’m senior management / c-suite level and she is early/ first manager stage)
• ‘You’re taking too long to renovate your house’ (we’d had the house for 2 years at that point and she was living with my BIL rent free for the last 6 years at my MIL’s house)
• ’ MIL is finally happy as I’ve given her the granddaughter that’s she’s always wanted ‘ ( I have 2 boys… but honestly who says that out loud even if you’re thinking it 😂)

It goes on and on… and before anyone says this is in my head she has openly said directly to me that she wants to be our MILs favourite!!!! I couldn’t care less and ignore for the most part but now we have children I really don’t want this crap hitting the next generation and my children getting the notion they are less than because of their gender or an interest they have or don’t have

so I guess my question is how would you handle this.

i can be VERY direct at times so as not to cause a family rift wondering how best to approach ( I would just avoid it if was just up to me!!)

Just thinking the same thing, although here in the UK, the shortened version of 'aw, bless' could work just as well.

I had 30 years of this from my sister. I could fill this thread with example. My top tips:

NC (or add low LC) as you can manage with SIL herself.

Information diet with intermediaries so she can't hear stuff from others.

Ignore all attempts at making you jealous. (Have found memories of her reeling off her list of every present she'd been bought one Christmas, each bought for her business trip to Australia. I was reminded of this every time. I was meant to be jealous of her trip but, in truth, couldn't care less so just ignored every such comment. Hearing get more and more desperate to wind me up was highly satifying!)

I would deliberately not compete.

If she's boasting about work, her child etc. say "wow, that's great" (doesn't matter if you sound patronising).

If she's criticising you, e.g. for not renovating your house, deflect by saying you're comfortable with whatever it is she is picking holes in. "There's no hurry, we like the house as it is". "That's not something important to us at the moment" etc.

My sister-in-law wore an actual white wedding dress to my wedding, so I feel qualified to comment!

Honestly, OP, ignore her. Be civil for the sake of family, then put her out of your head. I see my SIL maybe once every year and, the rest of the time, she just doesn’t even register in my consciousness. I just maintain a relationship with my brother, and ignore. People like that thrive on attention. Don’t give it to them.

she must have knows she was embarrassing herself and everybody would either laugh at her or pity her, so WHY do people do that? 😂

It was so bizarre, even by her standards. I didn’t even flinch. And yes, people were laughing at her. Apart from the nuttiness of wearing a white wedding dress to a wedding when you’re not the bride, it was really awful on her so the first impression was of someone in a dress far too tight and unflattering, and then the fact that it was white and from Debenhams’ bridal range hit afterwards 🤣

My photographer kindly made her stand on the end of the family photos so she was easy to “accidentally” cut out.

I would say absolutely nothing.
But I'd look her straight in the face and give her a genuine smile, one that reaches right to your eyes.
No words needed, but it'll confuse her as to what you're thinking.

"Is that important to you"? (followed by - "why"?)
"Have you explored where your competitive streak comes from"?
"Have you always felt inadequate"?
"Did anyone ever tell you growing up that you're enough and you don't have to be the best to be worthy of love"?
"I'm here if you ever want to talk about your crippling competitive nature"

Or more seriously -

"I do respect and admire your competitive nature and I wish you well in your endeavours, but I'm feeling oppressed by the constant comparisons. Could you please limit interactions with me to congratulations and positive statements only".

(SIL compares herself / inserts competitive comment) > "oh, SIL can't ever just let me enjoy my moment" (laugh loudly like it's a joke, but say it every time and in front of everyone around)

You say you're quite direct so maybe just be yourself - she seems to have no issues with being herself around you! Tell her directly that it's petty and immature to turn everything into a popularity contest and competition. Set her straight that she's embarrassing herself and tell her to grow up in the same tone you would a child. Optional guilt trip - add on that discussing children is cruel and insensitive given what you shared here. Lay it on as thick as you want so family take your side(!)

If you said something and it causes a family rift you need to be aware of two things:

No one can upset you, someone chooses to be upset

You can't offend a family, they have made the choice to be offended

It took me a while to work out my SIL was competing with me for DIL of the year but what you do need to watch out for is the poison that they spread behind your back. We have been no contact for a while and she is still trying to sabotage me and my children by telling lies about us to the family. Me ignoring the situation and being blandly disinterested actually exasperated her and made her worse. In your situation I would consider reacting firmly and proportionally to each comment rather than letting her think she has put one over on you.

Bingo card. You need a bingo card. Sit and write one of all the dumb things you think she might get up to.

Either blue tak it to the inside of your wardrobe door for your own amusement or take it with you and pull it out in front of her. Mumble to yourself with pencil in hand “yes, got that. I’ll just cross it off” or louder “ooh, that wasn’t on my card for today. Bugger.”

There is nothing you can do with her, really, except find the laughs. And plan a nice reward for yourself when you get it crossed off. Or at the end of a year or something.

Limit your reponses to 'Wow that's amazing/ crazy' as applicable. Anything about dates, having more children, first grandson, doing up house- 'We don't really worry about those sort of things'.
Hopefully this will drive her INSANE

I know it’s grating but she’s clearly jealous of you. If you’re happy in your own skin then no need for sarky reposts, just cut the competitive angle dead her by agreeing with her in a disinterested voice:
“you’re taking too long to renovate.”
“Yes probably.”
”my kid is doing better than yours”
”yes probably”
”I’ve been promoted”
”good for you”

It’s a clear message that you are not playing in her competition.

Nod, smile, ignore. Sounds very trying though!

30 years into the game now with SIL. I have the whole rational side of the story. It was a shame she didn't meet anyone in her 20s, the clock was ticking and she did act fairly monstrous at times but the petty stuff sticks more.
I have a wedding dress one. I bought a stunning 1950s gold silk dress with an unusual scarf, it was in a suit bag in the wardrobe, said I wasn't getting married in white but no worries everyone will know who the bride was.
I didn't realise properly for ages but MIL was very cagey and SIL almost manic. They'd got into the house, looked for the dress then SIL had a gold dress made out in Dubai complete with scarf. There was a huge fuss before the big day because the Dubai dress was quite modest/frumpy and in a heavy brocade. Not the 1990s wedding guest vibe of everyone else.
The photos have always made me laugh I'm all young, lightweight, happy and in the group there's a dumpy, melavenont dress twin. She never worn the thing again. And we've never talked about it.
Over the years I've pretty much stuck to grey rock, information diet, occasionally she'll come out with a hurtful humdinger and it will still sting. She was recently awful at an event honouring my DH so that has rather become a key memory.
SIL is very ill now. Only 50 something so it's an interesting mix of emotions. I'm sad I never got the in-law family I would have enjoyed, and feel for her kids but for it's mostly like losing a long time work colleague from a distant department.
Shame really.

But I wouldn't be able to resist dropping in lightly, 'oh, I don't care - I'm very lazy - being super competitive sounds exhausting and a bit, you know...[gap for her to project into]?'

That should end 'and a bit, you know, aging' followed by a sympathetic head tilt.

Alternatively, a single word response 'Fine', people hate it and it really can wind them up!

It really is a shame. It could be such a supportive and enriching partnership that of the SIL and I’m sure some people do have that. Never mind.

I might have paid someone wo have an accident with a large glass of red wine near her, Whoops!

Beat me to it!!

Next time you see her, talk about doing something outrageous with your hair. Or how you are getting a large tattoo or just anything stupidly crazy. Then just wait and see. 😂😂