How would you handle a competitive sister-in-law without causing family tension?

[BloomingTulips]

NC’d for this one as concerned it may be slightly outing…. But need some advice on how to manage a relationship with my SIL.

Essentially I’m married to one of many brothers and one of my SILs will not stop competing with me and it’s driving me potty 😂.

Basically anything I say or do, she has either done it before, done it better, or it’s rubbish or a bad decision.

Examples include:

• ‘You’re waiting too long to have your next child’ (she was at that time childless and eldest was only 2 at that point - and no idea we’d had miscarriages).
• Someone congratulated me on my work promotion and asked how I felt about my new remit and butts in with a ‘well I’ve been doing that already for 9 months’ (we are at totally different stages in different industries - I’m senior management / c-suite level and she is early/ first manager stage)
• ‘You’re taking too long to renovate your house’ (we’d had the house for 2 years at that point and she was living with my BIL rent free for the last 6 years at my MIL’s house)
• ’ MIL is finally happy as I’ve given her the granddaughter that’s she’s always wanted ‘ ( I have 2 boys… but honestly who says that out loud even if you’re thinking it 😂)

It goes on and on… and before anyone says this is in my head she has openly said directly to me that she wants to be our MILs favourite!!!! I couldn’t care less and ignore for the most part but now we have children I really don’t want this crap hitting the next generation and my children getting the notion they are less than because of their gender or an interest they have or don’t have

so I guess my question is how would you handle this.

i can be VERY direct at times so as not to cause a family rift wondering how best to approach ( I would just avoid it if was just up to me!!)

Ignore it. Just because someone says something it doesn't mean that you have to take any notice of it.

Ignore it. These are fleeting, meaningless comments.

I would just laugh and roll your eyes! Your children are not going to feel less than because of one pathetic competitive aunt!

Ignore. It will probably drive her more crazy that you don't give a shit or engage her imagined competition

Smile and wave.

Ignore her the best you can or reply with one word sentences. Really. Interesting. Ok. Oh. Or something like, in your opinion,

Also really limit what information you reveal about your family in her presence and if she questions you, give the barest of answers. And try and avoid her s much as possible.

I think the ignore / one word answers are the best route here! Honestly it’s just soooo silly that I just can’t even engage most of the time.

And agree on the children front - they won’t even be aware of it… I think on reflection that was me being concerned rather than actually them being affected in anyway. They are absolutely my weakness in life so the thought of a family member doing anything that COULD upset then seems to have got my back up!

God this thread has really stirred up my memories 😂

• she copied my wedding (to really minute details) but picked different flowers as mine were wrong
• held the wedding reception in a place my husband and I frequented as it was in our home area - they proceeded to claim that she had more of a connection despite us going for years
• arranged her wedding day for an annual date meaningful for our husbands .. which means they can now never celebrate together 🙄

Hmm I don't agree.

I think you can easily combat any impact on your kids (and have a bit of fun with) eyerolls/wijnks and 'Elevenerife' or jokes about her curing the common cold or whatever.

But I wouldn't be able to resist dropping in lightly, 'oh, I don't care - I'm very lazy - being super competitive sounds exhausting and a bit, you know...[gap for her to project into]?'

I mean, that's a bit of a lame one but you know what I mean. I'd have to let her know I'd seen her.

Ignore it or MN style tinkly laugh. It'll drive her crazy because she's not getting a rise out of you.

edit for typo

She sounds like an arsehole. I had a friend who was like this - if you had been to Tenerife she has been to Elevenerife etc etc. Always had to have something to say and always tried to make everything about her. It really boils down to tremendous insecurity and I felt sorry for her but when I announced I was getting married and she told everyone with ears I was only getting married because she did I thought fuck this for a game of cowboys and we are no longer friends. Yes apparently my husband ONLY proposed because she had gotten married the previous year. Spanner.

It takes two to form a competition, if you don't join in there isn't one.

Stop sharing stuff with her, minimise contact, ignore. It's not a competition, so don't engage.

I had a SIL like this.

I used a kill with kindness method. Thank you for your advice, that's really helpful. Do you think so? How kind of you to say so. Well done on your career progression, you give us all something to look up to. I'm so happy MIL got her DGDs....

It was great fun finding backhanded ways to be "nice".

Laugh and ‘oh Barb that’s so you’ should cover it.

Try and feel a bit sorry for her, she sounds ragingly insecure.

I’d laugh openly and say, “er, yes, ok.”
If she wants to make an enquiry about that, get her told, the silly cow!

Take a sheet of stickers with you and give her one at every opportunity..
Seriously I negotiated (battled )with ils for separate visiting times from sil and her dc. Was pointless being there with sil and her dc.
The favouritism was beyond a joke.

You’ll get plenty of responses along the lines of ignore….grey rock etc but honestly this sort of dynamic is INSUFFERABLE and you will have to inevitable manage yourself around this low status, pathetic woman who feels the need to compete with you.

You’re probably not going to take my advice. My advice is to cut her off. It is possible, even within your dynamic. I know, because I’ve done it. Its been 12 years since I made that decision and now our children have grown it was the correct one. I managed to avoid so much shit for my kids too and unhealthy dynamics.

My husband supported my decision. I still hear on the grapevine how desperate and competitive she still is, so even time hasn’t helped that woman grow up.

Get her gone.

That’s not competitive she is just whinging, if you said I did a 5k and she said well I ran two marathons back to back now that competitive, just ignore.

She seems to have a slight attack of the Main Character Syndrome, doesn't she? Anyway, don't let it bother you, it could be a whole lot worse, as some of DH's wider family are currently demonstrating (doesn't affect us directly thank God) but the rift has had awful fallout consequences.

Keep your powder dry, and have a ready supply of "Awww that's nice" comments available.

It's a pity you are not from the american south because this is definitely a situation where "why bless your heart" - is the right response.

She is awful and that kind of oneupmanship will worsen as each of your children get older. I doubt there’s anything you can say that will change the ingrained insecurity and low self esteem that causes her ridiculous behaviour. I would minimise time spent with her and sharing information with her. When you do have to listen to her BS, silently remind yourself that she is wrong and emotionally troubled. That’s not your problem and not something you can help with so just cut her off and walk away.

'Oh thats nice' or 'yeah We'll get round to it' whatever is relevant and don't engage. I think its quite funny when one person gets really competitive and the 'competition' just doesn't give a shit, makes that one person look like an idiot

How often do you see this SIL? Can't you instigate gatherings for just you, DH and ILs? I would try to avoid her as much as possible and as someone else said, don't share any information with her. Or you could have some fun and pretend to be doing things so that she copies you.

Luckily we’ve really cut contact down (I feel sad for my DH but he struggles with her too but for different reasons!) but as we have the most space, any family gathering of ILs, children + partners + grandchildren happen at ours.

So it’s a kind of invite all or nothing - although we do see the ILs separately too.

Ive known here for 10+ years and it’s always been there but I think it’s getting worse 😢several comments have been made about my eldest over the years (usually comparing him unfavourable) and as per @Divinedownload and @Lurkingandlearning experience I can only see this going one way.

But on the flip side I think, well it’s also a good way to prepare my sons for the real world where people won’t always be sunshine and light, thinking of your best interests… so if you can survive family, you can survive anyone! 😂