How would you handle a competitive sister-in-law without causing family tension?

[BloomingTulips]

NC’d for this one as concerned it may be slightly outing…. But need some advice on how to manage a relationship with my SIL.

Essentially I’m married to one of many brothers and one of my SILs will not stop competing with me and it’s driving me potty 😂.

Basically anything I say or do, she has either done it before, done it better, or it’s rubbish or a bad decision.

Examples include:

• ‘You’re waiting too long to have your next child’ (she was at that time childless and eldest was only 2 at that point - and no idea we’d had miscarriages).
• Someone congratulated me on my work promotion and asked how I felt about my new remit and butts in with a ‘well I’ve been doing that already for 9 months’ (we are at totally different stages in different industries - I’m senior management / c-suite level and she is early/ first manager stage)
• ‘You’re taking too long to renovate your house’ (we’d had the house for 2 years at that point and she was living with my BIL rent free for the last 6 years at my MIL’s house)
• ’ MIL is finally happy as I’ve given her the granddaughter that’s she’s always wanted ‘ ( I have 2 boys… but honestly who says that out loud even if you’re thinking it 😂)

It goes on and on… and before anyone says this is in my head she has openly said directly to me that she wants to be our MILs favourite!!!! I couldn’t care less and ignore for the most part but now we have children I really don’t want this crap hitting the next generation and my children getting the notion they are less than because of their gender or an interest they have or don’t have

so I guess my question is how would you handle this.

i can be VERY direct at times so as not to cause a family rift wondering how best to approach ( I would just avoid it if was just up to me!!)

Thinking on this you are correct.

If you a call out a stupid/mean/inconsiderate comment, it’s an excellent opportunity to course correct.

the person genuinely didn’t mean offence/see how it appears - they have the opportunity to reflect and apologise if necessary

the person is being a shit - they are called out and made fully aware their behaviour has been ‘seen’

For comments 1,3 and 4 ‘how rude’ or ‘keep your nose out of my business’, a Paddington stare and turning/walking away would work. For 2, ‘well we weren’t talking about you’ and a chilly silence.

Super agree! Less sensitivity on my part is definitely needed. (probably me over searching /analysing as just making connections on past behaviours)

Smirk very obviously but say nothing

Smirk very obviously while exchanging a knowing glance with your husband

Or smirk very obviously and say ‘If you say so’.

None of these would bother me in the slightest.

Just smile and say “There We Are Then “ to any silly comment from her.

Buy a really short wig and see if she cuts her hair short 😂
Obviously only works if you both have long hair! You could actually have a lot of fun with this.

I wonder if she'll still want to be favourite if/when MIL needs care in her dotage...

@BloomingTulips Is your DH or her DH the elder of the two brothers?

This 100%

She's a narcissist, OP, and the only way to 'win' is not to 'fight'. Don't engage.

Does she not have a mother of her own ? Why does she want to be MIL favorite unless they are giving out money prizes . I had one like this . Copied my wedding as suddenly she too wanted a church wedding despite being an atheist, style of dress , etc . I didn't care really just amused . Copied my jewelry which I did mind as it was a bit personal to me . Copied prints on her walls . I was more pissed off at BIL as surely he noticed we had the same . Ultimately I just distanced myself and pretending to be preoccupied in deep thoughts whenever she was speaking .

@Soontobe60 what an inspired and beautifully worded response.

I don't think I have ever read a more useful and uplifting reply on Mumsnet.

I am so moved by your words that I have messaged Mumsnet Headquarters requesting that they reward you in some way for your inspirational advise that no doubt, will change lives.

I expect to see you on the television soon. Prepare to go global.

I’ve done this for over 30 years.

Her most insane moment was when DS was being weird about toiletting in public places and she one-upped us because her son had managed a bigger wee than him. At that moment something clicked for me and every time she does this I remember the mega-wee and get too distracted to be upset.

i refuse to be sucked into her nonsense, I won’t rise to it and every time she says or does something bizarrely competitive I just remember that deep inside she must be sad and insecure.

We had a family dinner recently and I counted that she cut me off and interrupted me 11 times. I said “well done, that’s wonderful” 17 times.

She isn’t stupid and she must know that I am humouring her and the more she tries to compete the more I look down on her. She can crack on and I will not get dragged down.

arranged her wedding day for an annual date meaningful for our husbands .. which means they can now never celebrate together

I feel obliged to point out that it takes two people to get married, and if the date was that special he could have put his foot down and vetoed it. But he didn't.
Don't take offense on your husband's behalf.

But as other's have said, give vague replies and put her on an information diet.

Honestly, some of these example make me wonder who the "competitive" one is. You've been offended by details that don't matter much.

I'm sure she can be annoying, but it takes two...

I admire this. 30 years is a long tenure for this kind of behaviour and you’ve clearly got it down to a fine art, but it still doesn’t sound fun managing that sort of behaviour time and time again.

I haven’t got the strength to be interrupted that many times without biting - but I do admire that.

Reframe it all in your mind as her feeling deeply inadequate and needing to bolster her self esteem by competing in a one person race and then do an outward pitied sigh every time she does it.

This thread has been a great opportunity for some self-reflection. And by gosh nobody is perfect - least of all me!! - and absolutely this is all just my perception and I can be wrong. These examples in particular may across as petty.

But unless you’ve been through this it’s hard to get across how tedious the accumulation of admittedly small examples like these build up - but respect your feedback and view nonetheless.

and thank you to others for their feedback. Particularly the people who have gone through / are living through this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in suffering this (although I would wish this on nobody). 😍

Fair push back but I will always have empathy for people I care about such as DH - even if it is misplaced on this occasion

1000% - admire the grace in managing such a difficult situation

Smile and ignore.

I wouldn't give her the attention she's craving. Plus in life we all have up and down, she will have her down like anyone else, and you'll be laughing privately.

@BloomingTulips If I were you (and depending on your dc age) I would be very open with them about what's going on. That way she can't get to them because it's a "her" problem needing to get one up on everyone.

I would actually have fun with it- as in family fun. Before each reunion each one of you make a bingo card where you guess what her complaints/ braggery will be this time. With a price for the winner !

I say “that’s nice…..” and in my head I am doing Mrs browns “fuck you” in my head when I say “that’s nice…” and smile to myself so they know something is going on but not what and it drives them crazzzzzyyy!!!😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

I went NC with an insufferable in law and I suggest you do the same. It's very easy for people to say just ignore it, but this kind of behaviour wears you down, and their constant need to be "top dog" can have a really negative and dysfunctional impact on the wider family dynamics. You will be forced to absorb that (along with your spouse and children). I think you'd be better off cutting contact now, in order to limit just how much damage she's able to inflict.