How would you handle a competitive sister-in-law without causing family tension?

[BloomingTulips]

NC’d for this one as concerned it may be slightly outing…. But need some advice on how to manage a relationship with my SIL.

Essentially I’m married to one of many brothers and one of my SILs will not stop competing with me and it’s driving me potty 😂.

Basically anything I say or do, she has either done it before, done it better, or it’s rubbish or a bad decision.

Examples include:

• ‘You’re waiting too long to have your next child’ (she was at that time childless and eldest was only 2 at that point - and no idea we’d had miscarriages).
• Someone congratulated me on my work promotion and asked how I felt about my new remit and butts in with a ‘well I’ve been doing that already for 9 months’ (we are at totally different stages in different industries - I’m senior management / c-suite level and she is early/ first manager stage)
• ‘You’re taking too long to renovate your house’ (we’d had the house for 2 years at that point and she was living with my BIL rent free for the last 6 years at my MIL’s house)
• ’ MIL is finally happy as I’ve given her the granddaughter that’s she’s always wanted ‘ ( I have 2 boys… but honestly who says that out loud even if you’re thinking it 😂)

It goes on and on… and before anyone says this is in my head she has openly said directly to me that she wants to be our MILs favourite!!!! I couldn’t care less and ignore for the most part but now we have children I really don’t want this crap hitting the next generation and my children getting the notion they are less than because of their gender or an interest they have or don’t have

so I guess my question is how would you handle this.

i can be VERY direct at times so as not to cause a family rift wondering how best to approach ( I would just avoid it if was just up to me!!)

She sounds desperately jealous of you and she probably has really low self esteem.

We all know an elevenerife type but when it's family...urgh.

You're just going to have to grey rock/no response/silence to her fuckwitted utterings.

Perhaps you and DH could come up with SIL bingo to entertain yourselves

I’ve got a SIL like this too. Shes been pandered to her whole life by her family.

I told by DH family not to say anything to keep the peace, but the issue with that is she’s never been told she’s being a rude twat so I have to disagree with the posters saying ignore it. I have started to put her in her place now and if it kicks off, it kicks off. At least then she might reflect on her words.

Mine doesn’t compete for a mil favour, she just competes. I think it’s jealousy and she’s like it with nearly all women. Her only female friends now are fatter than her, it is utterly bizzare. She even competes with famous women on the tv.

she copies me, in what I wear and what we put in our home, and she is openly dismayed if I turn up in something she can’t wear, so for example I’m tall and slim she’s very short at 5ft and a size 18-20, so if I wear a midi dress or skirt she frowns and says oh I can’t wear that, which I find mind blowing, why on earth would she wish to.

she has now multiple things in her home we have, even her husband said it was going too far.

if I turn up in a cream jumper within an hour she changes into a similarly toned one. And she makes horrible comments to me, like really horrible.

I have distanced myself, polite when I see her, and ignore everything else.

It won’t improve. It usually just moves on to the next generation. I always find you can ignore and grey rock when someone tries to compete with you, but when they start the same dynamics with children, which is inevitable, then we do have a problem. Kids and teens are wise, they pick up on stuff, as much as we think they don’t. No good can come of that, infact you just teach them that toxicity within families is quite normal. To an extent it is, no family is one hundred percent rainbows but only you know how far she will push it. I had a clean cut and 12 years on I’m so glad we went down that path. It did result in fewer family get togethers overall, but now other family members have got wise to her and have reconnected. She’s a sorry state now and watching her crumble in mid life is gloriously satisfying and I’m not sorry one bit for saying that lol 😂.

"I'll give your input the consideration it deserves, Jan."

If you really want to shut it down , put in unasked for input.

I think with the children stuff I would call it out. "That's a strange thing for an adult to say about a child SIL".

I would ignore it.
Especially given you seem to ahead of her in various aspects of life (career/children etc) you have nothing to gain by addressing this.
It doesn’t matter who is MIL’s favourite, you’re married to your husband not his mum.

Also, people have responded here with wonderful, passive aggressive comments to put her in her place, but that’s not a skill I had. Plus it makes certain women compete even MORE. You get into a Viscious dynamic that you never even asked for.

I am a direct person who is very straight down the line. I’ve never really been able to “do”passive aggression. My SIL was the queen of it, whereas my response was probably along the lines of, what’s your fucking problem? Which then made ME look like the crazy, dysregulated one. Much to her delight.

So I cut her dead. 💀 Problem solved, I appreciate everyone is different though. Perhaps I ought to get better at passive aggression and not just straight forward aggression 🤣. Worked for me anyway.

This is such a revelation! I just realised this is also happening here…

From small things like cooking a meal which she now recreates at home for herself (I didn’t even reflect on this as I don’t OWN recipes 😂if you like it you like it and want to have more) to more significant ones such as me and DH agreed to get a puppy and told no one until a month before and 6 months later she got a puppy!

And I already withhold lots of information (anything financial or health related - but she still asks!) but it’s really only now the visible things that she can see that she keeps commenting on.

This thread has opened my eyes!! Thanks so much everyone!

She might honestly just be a make it all about me person!! Hard to take but I agree kill with kindness!!

I think I'd handle it with a disinterested 'oh, that's nice, then. Shall we have some tea now? Did you watch the new series of Ludwig?'

Just laugh everytime she says something and ignore it and move on. You are allowing her to be in your head. They are just annoying comments don't give her the validation

Oh the copying. I retrained in a specific field and my sister in law started the same degree a few years later. It was no coincidence and frankly, pathological.

It’s like she was trying to get her identity from another woman in the family. When I fell pregnant with my third child she was furious and couldn’t give me any eye contact for 9 months. She then demanded her husband get his vasectomy reversed lol. God, so much really when I think about it….. I couldn’t be around that level of crazy anymore.

Good luck 👍

Use "So?" as a standard reply, think of it as an out office reply.

Sil started attending the local baby group with her 2 x dc. A bit annoying but nobody owns a group..we didn't sit together ..
One week she actually smacked her toddler lifting him off the ground in doing so.
She never came back. .oddly she went on to have 4 more dc. Who ils practically raised. Our dc never mixed.

Oh you could have so much fun with the copyists.😂

You've decided to broaden your cultural interests and have booked a box at the Royal Opera House to see <insert random opera here> next spring, or maybe your ds has developed an obsession with tarantulas and you will be buying him one for Christmas.

A raised eyebrow
“and…?”
”ok then Doris”
Bite your lip as though you are trying not to laugh

all that for silly comments

But for any negative comments towards kids - she would be getting called out clearly and coldly

Smile, nod and one of the following
oh dear
that’s nice
well done
how lovely for you
are you?
do you?
sounds good

Some people have low self-esteem and need to prove that they as good as you but don’t realise how sad they sound.

Smile, nod and one of the following
oh dear
that’s nice
well done
how lovely for you
are you?
do you?
sounds good

Some people have low self-esteem and need to prove that they as good as you but don’t realise how sad they sound.

You are 100% correct - I’m giving this airtime in my head.

But I think the reason was I genuinely couldn’t work out why someone would act like this (comparisons, copying, toxic comments to you/children) so it was playing on my mind….. I’m a simple gal who just likes a reason. This type of interaction makes you dread seeing the person as you don’t know what BS they’ll be spouting and why. Even if that reason is I hate you and you annoy me. At least I’d know😂

This thread though has been useful in exposing to me that there is a deep seated insecurity complex going on here for SIL.

I am not bothered to solve it (nor could I if I wanted to!) so will thread a path between grey rock and cut loose.

Basically, ignore the most petty but also swiftly and curtly call out any truly toxic comment that falls foul of normal interaction with a ‘let me show you the door’ type of attitude if it comes near to impacting my kids. Not sure if it’s going to work but feeling pleased at least that I have a plan!!

Everyone can see how jealous she is when she makes everything about her when someone asks you a question, or copies you. I personally would wade in when she puts your children down when she compares them to hers and say it’s not a competition @BloomingTulips as the last thing she wants is someone calling her out. If she goes ballistic then just shrug and ignore as again she is showing herself up.

Say something random and off the wall in reply.

'You're waiting too long to have you're 2nd child,'
'Oh, have you seen Pratical Magic 2?'

The wanting to be mother in law's favourite brought back a stinging memory for me as my grandmother had no interest in any of the children except her daughter's two. The rest of us simply didn't count.

However, should your sister in law ever again make such a comment I'd be straight back at her with - "Favourite? Why would any sane person want to play that poisonous little game..."?

Rolling your eyes and ignoring sometimes isn't as effective as politely showing your contempt for the thinking behind the remark.

Yes, it's insecurity.

Copying - whatever. But also, you should be less sensitive. You got a dog. She got a dog. People get dogs every day. it's really not a big deal.

She wants to prove she's closer/better/more involved than you -agree with a slightly sarcastic tone. "Yes yes Mary, I know you've been the queen of that area forever. Brilliant."

She makes rude/toxic comments - address calmly but firmly. " I think it's realy upt o me and DH when we have more children/ when we renovate our house".

Just respond with: "It's not a competition." Repeat ad naseum.