Newly an Uncle

[CuriouslyGeorge]

Hello all, I came across this forum in a past web search, and I am looking for some perspective and/or advice on this particular issue.

My nephew is two years old and I am not allowed to see him unless I change the way I speak around him.

The big one, I curse/swear.

The smaller one, If I see a problem and bring it to attention, I am made out to be the problem for bringing up the problem.

I have cut down tremendously on how much I swear & also I do not use certain swear words anymore, and that is still not good enough.

When I was growing up, I rarely ever saw my Uncles on my mother's side due to sibling issues (2 brothers and a sister)

and now, I feel history is repeating itself (2 brothers and a sister) - my brother rarely ever sees our nephew and I can't ever recall him even trying to due to problems with our sister as well

Like mother like daughter, they seem to want to control every aspect of life, only now it seems to be using my nephew as a pawn.

I have certain things things I disagree with so I have mentioned compromise, she changes that one thing, i'll change this one thing... nope no go, only my thing must change as far as she's concerned.

This is really heartbreaking.

What are the issues you are not agreeing on that you want her to compromise on? Examples would be useful.

I find swearing around my kids unacceptable so I agree with her on that.

Don’t swear in front of your nephew. It’s not hard.
what type of problems?

@Onwards2627 The issues, she is not willing to compromise on. It is only me that has to change, I have tried bring up different things for her to change so that it's not one sided, life is give and take not one sided.

@blondeboobshell I have been swearing since I was 10 years old, for decades.
As I said, I have cut down tremendously & I don't use certain words anymore.

here is one example, when he was visiting his grandparents he tripped walking and came close to splitting his on a pointy designed head height, cabinet handle in their kitchen.

i brought it up, mentioned about them putting ones that are not pointed.. no grandma doesn't like the look of the non pointed one,

so.. its okay for him to in the future probably end up with a head injury... which one looks better grandsons head injury or rounded non pointed door handles?

@CuriouslyGeorge do you curse at work?

You don't get to tell your sister and her partner how to parent their child and there is no need for them to compromise on anything to do with that. You are not the child's parent and there is nothing more annoying than a random relative who thinks they know it all. x100 if that relative doesn't have children of their own.

I remember exBIL constantly chiding DS for being around the stove/oven whiel I was cooking. I was standing right there. I KNOW what DS is likely to do/not do. I didn't need wanker BIL who had never looked after a child for so much as 10 minutes to tell my child what to do.

The swearing - I don't care about swearing but lot sof people do. so just don't swear around him.

@MagicUser1 so they get to tell other people what they can and can't do because they're a parent now? So should I have a kid so I can tell others how to act around me and use my child as a pawn too.

You sound socially inept and unaware of normal boundaries. It's not remotely normal to tell someone to change their door handles because a visiting child might injure themselves on one.

It's also not remotely normal to not be able to curb swearing around children.

I'd be keeping you at a distance too.

How are your mother and sister using the child to control your life?

Why do you think you’re entitled to access to this child, and can dictate how to resolve “problems” you perceive?

@Onwards2627 my coworkers and myself do, yes.

While I agree you were right to bring up the cabinet handle, how was it said? Being a parent is hard and there’s nothing worse than someone trying to tell you have to parent even if their heart is in the right place. Might be a case of needing to bite your tongue, or finding a nicer way of saying it that doesn’t sound like you’re making them look bad (not saying you were btw)

It is perfetly normal for parents to have boundaries around their children. Some of those are fair, some are ridiculous. But the parent nonetheless has the right to have those, yes.

As for "telling you what to do" - I'm not sure what you're referring to. if it's the swearing, then yes, they can do that if htey want. If it's that they are telling you that you can't tell them how to raise their kid - then yes, that's also 100% normal and fine.

It's funny how people without children are so often the ones with the most opinions. And I do find that as a rule, men just keep quiet and if they have opinions, don't say anything. But the ones who do feel the need to voice them, are even MORE obnoxious about it that the women.

The only example of behaviour you think should change you've come up with is the cupboard knobs....in your mother's kitchen.

Not finding swearing around a child acceptable is perfectly normal.

Sorry but what are you talking about?!

It is absolutely none of your business whether grandma has pointy handles and whether the child’s parents feel comfortable with that or not.

If you would like to build a relationship with your nephew, then you first need to present yourself as an agreeable person who will have a positive impact on his life. It is not about pointing out what you don’t agree with - they are his parents and so it is up to them, whether or not you ageee.

@MagicUser1 Many people have opinions on professional sports players when they are not a pro themself, or political figures when they aren't one themself.. i guess I came to the wrong forum.
some of you , i pray for your child.
sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.. I grew up hearing that, now what.. everyone is so sensitive and outraged to words.

Yeah, I see her point.

She doesnt want you swearing around her kid, or you telling her how to parent.

You think she should compromise on things just for the sake of it because you have to if you want to see your nephew.

Your choices are to stop swearing/telling her how to parent and see your nephew, or carry in and dont see your nephew.

@ViaRia01 a safety concern isn't an adult's (uncle or not) concern? What are you on? You wouldn't want someone to prevent your child having a head injury? Wow 😮

Is there anything about your family that you actually like? You seem to despise them all and think that they, and your little nephew, should dance around to whatever tune you are playing and do all they can to appease you and your views.

I am sorry that it is causing you such anguish, and hope there are better times ahead for you. But demanding behaviours from others, including how they parent their own child, isn't great for anyone and will not achieve harmony with your family. As your nephew grows older, he is unlikely to look with affection on someone who makes his mummy sad and cross.

Swearing around children is unacceptable. Unless you are unfortunately afflicted with Tourette's or dementia and cannot moderate your language, there is absolutely no excuse.

He tripped and his head came less than 2 inches from one of the pointed handles... thats a safety concern. You don't have to be a parent to know that's a problem.

As I said in my original post, both my uncles (mothers brothers ) are not on speaking terms because of how she has been.
and now history is repeating itself...
oh and both uncles are parents themselves with thriving adult children now.. so they're a parent, since that makes the difference in some of your minds.

Congratulations on not swearing so far on this thread.

You don't have to be a parent to know that's a problem.
Of course you don't. Hence it being unnecessary to tell your own parents, or the boy's parents, who are both in fact parents and presumably are aware of the risk.

TBH I wouldn't want a sweary man in my house either and I don't have children.

Why do you so badly want to swear around this child?

The world is full of dangers. Parents learn pretty quickly that you can’t soften all the corners in the world, you’ve just got to navigate them as best you can. My kids grew up navigating pointy dining tables, sockets and bunk bed ladders.

You're ignoring the fact I have cut down tremendously & no longer use certain words.
maybe i should try dadsnet or not a perfect person net. Seriously, some of you, I really pray for your children.