Newly an Uncle

[CuriouslyGeorge]

Hello all, I came across this forum in a past web search, and I am looking for some perspective and/or advice on this particular issue.

My nephew is two years old and I am not allowed to see him unless I change the way I speak around him.

The big one, I curse/swear.

The smaller one, If I see a problem and bring it to attention, I am made out to be the problem for bringing up the problem.

I have cut down tremendously on how much I swear & also I do not use certain swear words anymore, and that is still not good enough.

When I was growing up, I rarely ever saw my Uncles on my mother's side due to sibling issues (2 brothers and a sister)

and now, I feel history is repeating itself (2 brothers and a sister) - my brother rarely ever sees our nephew and I can't ever recall him even trying to due to problems with our sister as well

Like mother like daughter, they seem to want to control every aspect of life, only now it seems to be using my nephew as a pawn.

I have certain things things I disagree with so I have mentioned compromise, she changes that one thing, i'll change this one thing... nope no go, only my thing must change as far as she's concerned.

This is really heartbreaking.

You don’t get a medal for “cutting down” on your swearing. An adult man should have control over what comes out of his mouth.

And if parents want to protect their 2 year old from an adult who can only reduce his bad language, then they have every right to do so.

You seem to feel you have rights here.

You don't. There isn't an "uncle experience". There are no uncle rights.

Your sibling has set boundaries about your behaviour around their child or you don't see the child. That's reasonable for a parent to do.

So get it through your head your behaviour has to change if you want to see their kid. Stop being an argumentive, entitled asshole.

You would be wise to remember that your sister doesn't owe you a relationship with her child, you have no rights to one if she doesn't want to allow it. Her child will be completely fine without an uncle in their life.

With all due respect its you who can't cope with your parents not changing their door handles.

Your nephew is growing up without his uncle because you won't stop swearing!

Ahh poor you. You are missing out on the experience of teaching a child to curse and telling the parents what they are doing wrong!! I hope your sister is on mumsnet so she can see how much support she's getting.

If you really want to build a relationship with your nephew, I would have an honest conversation with your sister. Apologise for being a potty mouth. Somebody chucking fuck and worse about in front of kids is terrible . Do your best to stop swearing. Find other silly expletives to come out with. Ask her to tell you off and maybe fine you. The money can be savings for nephew. Otherwise you need to go with the flow and not interfere.

Oh god please don’t have children! 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄 no wonder they don’t want you near the child!

No one on here is going to tell you it's fine to swear around a 2 year old. that's the exact age at which their language is really taking off.

Everyone parents differently - some will completely toddler-proof their house, wrap the kids in cotton wool and prevent any accidents whereas others prefer to teach their kids to recognise dangers which will often result in bumps and scrapes. Also, this is the grandparents house, which you wouldn't expect to be toddler-proof. I would definitely keep a closer eye on my kids at other people's houses (especially those who didn't also have young kids) but accidents will happen.

The swearing....you wouldn't really want to be that person who teaches your 2 year old nephew to swear would you?! Their vocabulary develops so quickly at that age and they copy everything. It seems that it would be worth trying even harder not to swear around him, if it means you'll be able to build a relationship with him.

ok, do you want to fix it?
Firstly, Mum is always right, whether or not you agree. The only thing to do is smile nicely, say sorry, and do what they ask.

Secondly, tone is everything. How do you ask? ‘Hey sis, I think it’s a shame we didn’t know our uncles and I’d love to get to know nephew. How about we go to the park/softplay/ whatever at the weekend?’
You can’t be getting all demanding and expecting people to play nice, they’ll tell you to sod off.

Thirdly, when together moderate your language and play with him. I will often show up with bubbles or something I know they will like. Get on his level, engage with what interests him, have a chat. If your sister sees him having a good time and is safe it’s all up from there.

Huh? So essentially she’s said “please don’t swear around my child” and you’ve said “what are you going to do for me?”. This is not about compromise. She has a duty to safeguard her child and it is inappropriate for a child to use swear words. The best way to prevent this is to restrict their exposure to it. It’s not remotely unreasonable to ask you not to swear around her child. I’m sure she doesn’t care if you swear or not when you aren’t around her child.

Aah, I do. But if I was to tell that professional sports player or politician my opinion and expect them to change their behaviour as a result.... I'd be the worlds most delusional person.

It’s not something you get a say in though.
My child didn’t meet his uncle ( my brother) until he was 10 and I was happy for him to be around my child.

My child, my choice.

Honestly I don’t think children are massively impacted by not seeing their uncles much. Big close families can be great, but they’re not a necessity for a child. Parents are doing what they think is necessary to look after their child. If you can’t even avoid swearing in front of a child you’re hardly trying hard to have a relationship.

I've not got kids and I've got a mouth like a sailor. Even I know to moderate my language in front of children.

What a weird thread.

Mothers are allowed to control who their young children spend time around. That’s not ‘controlling everything’, it’s doing your best to ensure your small child has positive influences and interactions.

Children don’t need uncles. They are a nice to have, not an essential.

Can’t you just not swear at all around children? It’s not much to expect.

I swear a lot too but am capable of changing my language and behaviour around children because I am an adult with some degree of self awareness.

No, but it leads to children swearing by "ten years old" and adults who are apparently unable to manage speaking without swearing...

It's sad that you were allowed to grow up with a potty mouth. It will have impacted you and your prospects in many ways that you aren't aware of - and it starts with young children hearing adults swear as it normalises it, just as YOU are here, normalising it and claiming it has no impact.

Except you are literal proof that it does.

Yes, if that uncle is a foul mouthed, argumentative, defensive man who thinks he can dictate terms.

What you have said, but more importantly , how you've said it, on this post, makes it clear that you would not be a positive in a child's life.

If my brother were like you he wouldn't be seeing my child. Thankfully he's not. He's a great uncle, and a great dad - and he never swears in front of kids. End of. And he can swear like a docker.

You don’t seem to really like your sister (or mother). And you want to do the best for your nephew but don’t seem to trust that she also does. Or that she is the authority on her own child.
your responses are so confrontational too. I imagine all of that is difficult in real life to deal with so I think you’re lucky she’s still giving you a chance.

All you have to do is stop giving your opinion on the child and stop swearing in front of the child and then you can see him, which is what you apparently want and think is most fair to him.
its your choice not to do that? You’re stopping yourself from seeing him.

Your posts are pretty vague, with only one example about the door handle and lots of anger at everyone you're related to.

I had zero relationship with my mother's siblings and it had absolutely no effect on me at all.

Like other posters, I too would not be around an angry, swearing man, or one instructing me to do anything. (I'm childfree, so no prayers needed 😆)

My cousin swears like a sailor but is mature enough to keep it clean in front of his niece and nephew.

Reading between the lines and how you're coming across here, it sounds like your sister doesn't want you around her kid and she knows you're unlikely to stop the swearing. You simply won't be controlled by those pesky women in your life (the 'like mother like daughter' comment was v telling), so you do you.

Perfectly fair if they decide that's what's best for him.

my children have an uncle and grandparent they don't see. My choice. They're my children.

if I wanted to see a family member I'd do what their parents told me: stopping swearing and keeping my judgements to myself seems a small price to pay.

only you can decide which you'd prefer.

Agree

@CuriouslyGeorge you came here asking for advice and you are getting advice from parents and you are arguing with every single poster. Your defensiveness is really offputting and makes this whole exercise of replying to your concerns pointless.

Try to take on board what people are saying and moderate your behaviour and/or speech.

If you lecture your sister about brain bleeds etc the way you are going on here, even telling us the cost of raising kids, I can imagine she'd rather swerve you.

Don't be so judgey - especially when you can't even get your swearing under control.

They're not really telling you what to do though, are they? You're being asked not to swear in front of a child, which isn't particularly unreasonable, and to let them parent their own child. Why do you have a problem with that? Okay, you have opinions about the way they're doing things; I do about my niece too. That doesn't mean it's obligatory for me to express them to my sister and BIL.

You say it's "heartbreaking", but if you were that heartbroken, wouldn't you just learn when to stay quiet rather than digging your heels in out of sheer stubbornness?

Okay, now I'm starting to get a whiff of bullshit...

On the off-chance this is real: if you have a negative opinion about a politician, who is paid for by your taxes, of course you can give that feedback - most clearly by refusing to vote for them. Sports players are public figures who effectively put their performance up for review. You can decide not to buy club merchandise or to not to renew your season ticket.

Someone else's parenting isn't remotely the same. You can't criticise a politician or footballer's parenting either, if that makes it easier for you to understand.