Newly an Uncle

[CuriouslyGeorge]

Hello all, I came across this forum in a past web search, and I am looking for some perspective and/or advice on this particular issue.

My nephew is two years old and I am not allowed to see him unless I change the way I speak around him.

The big one, I curse/swear.

The smaller one, If I see a problem and bring it to attention, I am made out to be the problem for bringing up the problem.

I have cut down tremendously on how much I swear & also I do not use certain swear words anymore, and that is still not good enough.

When I was growing up, I rarely ever saw my Uncles on my mother's side due to sibling issues (2 brothers and a sister)

and now, I feel history is repeating itself (2 brothers and a sister) - my brother rarely ever sees our nephew and I can't ever recall him even trying to due to problems with our sister as well

Like mother like daughter, they seem to want to control every aspect of life, only now it seems to be using my nephew as a pawn.

I have certain things things I disagree with so I have mentioned compromise, she changes that one thing, i'll change this one thing... nope no go, only my thing must change as far as she's concerned.

This is really heartbreaking.

So, your sister can have a sweary uncle around her child, said uncle who, in spite of having no children clearly thinks he’s the world expert on child-rearing and doesn’t hesitate to share his opinions, or she can decide not to see you. Bit of a no-brainer on her part, I would have thought. You have absolutely no “right” to access to your nephew. As many a difficult MIL has discovered, if you want to see someone else’s DC, you do it on the parents’ terms - or, if you choose to dig your heels in as you clearly do, you don’t see them.

So because you can't change the all, it's okay to ignore every single one?

OP, it's not a good look to get defensive when people don't respond the way you want.
Listen to what your sister says, take her seriously, try to understand her viewpoint and yes, restrict yourself to prayer if that's the only way to get through a visit without being tempted to lecture her.

Do you seriously expect someone to change all of their kitchen cabinets because a small child tripped (and didnt hurt himself) on your say so? Especially when you cant even stop swearing, which is much easier and cheaper to do.

Cutting down isn’t enough though. Not swearing around young children is a basic.

How many times has your nephew been hospitalised because of injuries?

I don't think swearing leads to a cracked skull or brain bleed or death? Do you?
Also, if you can't afford less than a couple hundred in parts to make it a safe environment for your child, you can't afford a child.. child locks cost money, cribs cost money. Studies show the average child cost 250,000 from the time they're born to 18.
200 in parts for a safety concern is nothing compared to 250,000.

It’s not a zero sum game, and I think you know that but you’re being dramatic. Are you quite young? Teens?

LOL at you praying for my kids but refusing to stop swearing around them 😂

Thanks for the parenting lesson 🙄

I cannot imagine why your sister doesn't want you near.

And just FYI it costs £0 to stop swearing.

Not being able to or choosing not to stop swearing around a 2yo is a huge red flag and I wouldn’t want you around my child at all.

I will pray for you OP.

If you are in UK, as an uncle your feelings, thoughts and opinions regarding how your sister and her husband are raising their child are absolutely irrelevant. It is absolutely none of your business. They don’t need to make any compromises to accommodate you. Nor are they under any obligation to allow you to spend time with their child or even them.

I’m guessing the only way you will accept that is if her husband explains it in words you will understand perhaps “Fuck off and get a life of your own.” But as you’ve come here for our opinions take that as mine.

The world is full of dangers. Parents learn pretty quickly that you can’t soften all the corners in the world, you’ve just got to navigate them as best you can. My kids grew up navigating pointy dining tables, sockets and bunk bed ladders.

so because your kids grew up that way it makes it right? It makes it smart? It makes it the parent way?

i grew up being physically abused by certain family members, does that make it right just because I survived it? No, just because your kids were able go navigate out of danger doesn't mean everyone can and doesn't make it right.

So if my nephew grows up barely ever seeing his uncles just like I did because his mother (there sister) wants to control everything ...
that's fair to the child?

Edit: their not there

You’re very spiky when criticised. I imagine that’s difficult for your family to navigate.

Of course you shouldn’t swear around your nephew, that’s just common sense. You want to be a positive influence in his life presumably? So the swearing stops entirely.

The cupboard handles I’m not sure about. I guess it’s fine to have pointed it out so they are aware but it’s unlikely people will change them, good you made them aware. But be accepting they’ve made a judgement call to keep them and leave it there.

I think she would be doing her
kid a massive favour if this thread is anything to go by.

Given you appear to be a total dick, yeah I’d say she’s doing her kid a favour.

You are ignoring the fact that the Danger Knobs aren't even in your sister's house but your mother's where your sister and nephew were visiting.

So the only thing you can come up with about your sister is that she doesn't want you swearing around her child, which is entirely reasonable.

If you actually can't manage to reduce your bad language to zero around a small child (like most of us can, and do) you might reflect that she doesn't want her son to grow up the same way by repeating what he hears from you (which he will)

You are minimising the consequences of your swearing.

Little one will pick it up and repeat.

His swearing will mean:-
He will get told off at nursery/ school and be upset / confused because a loved, trusted adult does it, so how can it be wrong. Children can be very literal and feel awful for doing something "wrong" and feel even worse that there adults are doing something "bad"
Other parents will stop their kids from association with him to reduce the risk of them picking up the swearing. He will feel lonely, isolated, confused and "bad"
Some partner will assume he is from a "rough" household and excluded him and his parents

You can work on your swearing, promise to do your best never to swear around him and apologise if you accidentally do.

Cupboard handles are out of your control and influence. If you wanted you could offer to source, pay for and fit replacements, which might go down better than telling others what to do.

From your posts, I would say that it’s not only fair but also wise parenting.

I'm sorry to hear you were let down and unsafe as a child OP. That has no doubt affected your view on life. Maybe that is why you are defensive, as you had to defend yourself when young?

This thread is not about whether you/we are right or wrong about a specific issue you have with your sister. It's about how to communicate with your sister in a productive way that enables you to stay in touch with your nephew. Look up "nonviolent communication" for some ideas on that. It's a means of resolving conflicts.

Why did you ask for opinions here if you’re not going to take the answers on board? Most of us are parents here, isn’t that what you came for?

And you still haven’t said why you continue to swear around your nephew - and yes, we know you’ve cut back. But why still do it?

Judging by your response I think the sister is using her son as an excuse not to have to see you.

Correlating surviving abuse with pointy cupboard handles is absolutely ridiculous.

If you can’t respect a simple request like not swearing around a young child then your sister is perfectly within her rights to not have her child around you.