AIBU to tell my sister she can’t use my spare room anymore?

[BrumMum1978]

My younger sister split up with her partner in July and needed somewhere to stay while she sorted herself out. She has a 6 year old son and I offered them my spare room for 6 weeks. I thought that was reasonable and obviously wanted to help her. The agreement was £100 a month towards food and bills.

At first it was all fine. I’m separated from my husband and live with my 17 year old son who is at college. My daughter is 22 and away at university so there is usually plenty of room in the house. My sister and nephew were sharing the spare room and I thought it would be ok for a short time while she found somewhere else. I wasn’t expecting her to be gone overnight but I did think 6 weeks was long enough to get things moving.

The problem is she has gradually started treating the house like it’s hers. She rearranged all the furniture in the spare room and bought a massive television for it. I didn’t mind her making it comfortable but she’s now got all her things everywhere and it doesn’t really feel like a spare room anymore. She has also started using my son’s gaming equipment and borrowing clothes without asking. He came home one day and found his things had been moved around and was understandably annoyed.

I told my sister she needs to stop using his things without asking but she said she was only trying to make the room nice for herself and her son. She said he wasn’t even using the gaming stuff most of the time so she didn’t see the problem. My son is 17, not 7, and he doesn’t want his aunt going through his things. He’s also said he feels like he can’t relax at home anymore because there is always somebody in his space.

She has also started having friends over. I don’t mind the odd visit obviously but there have been quite a few lately and sometimes I don’t even know they are coming until they turn up. The house is small and when there are extra people in it, it feels very crowded. My son has complained about people being in the house when he gets back from college and I do understand why he’s fed up. I’ve spoken to my sister about it but she thinks I’m making a fuss over nothing.

The main issue happened this week when I heard my sister telling my nephew that they could stay here until Christmas. I asked her about it and she said she had told him that because she didn’t want him worrying about where they would be living. I said that wasn’t what we agreed and she said she knows but she can’t just find a council property immediately. I do understand that but she can’t decide to stay for another few months without asking me first. I offered 6 weeks, not until Christmas.

I told her she needs to move out by the end of October. I thought that gave her time to sort something out but she got really upset and said I was putting her and her son at risk of homelessness. She said we are sisters and I should be helping her, not giving her a deadline. My daughter thinks I should let them stay longer because they have nowhere else to go and says it’s only a few more months. My son says he wants his privacy back and thinks I should stick to what I originally agreed.

I feel awful because I don’t want my sister and nephew to be homeless and I do love them. But I also feel like the arrangement has changed without my agreement and I’m now expected to just accept it. I’ve got my own home and my son to think about and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want my spare room back. I’m not saying she has to leave tomorrow but I do think the end of October is fair. AIBU?

Honestly I’d never do this to my Sister. Your son is acting entitled. Our children do not get to decide who stays with us. He can be annoyed about his console.

my sister would have my spare room in a heartbeat if she needed it. She stayed with me for a few months a few years ago as she was unwell, I’d never kick her out.

Just because you would like to live with your sister indefinitely, doesn't mean everyone else will feel the same!

She has really moved in for the long haul and won't be going anytime soon. And wants to take over
What an entitled piece of work she is !

You need to give her the marching orders asap. That she has to be gone by a certain date or you will take legal acton.

She needs to get UC on board to help her privately rent as well as maybe picking up a few more hours of work. Is her son going to school at 6 years old?

She is unlikely to get a council house unless she is actually homeless , which will mean you actually making her homeless .

Oh dear op hope it gets sorted sopn

£100 a month for food and bills! That’s £25 a week? I’d struggle to buy food for one adult and child for less than £75 a week and bills on top of that would be another £50 a week surely?

On Top of having your privacy and space invaded, you must be out of pocket a good few hundred pounds a month. I know she’s your sister but I think it is time she moved on as she is taking the piss out of you!

£100 a month will not be covering their food (unless she is also doing food shops) let alone your incremental energy and water costs. Presumably is she is staying long term you also lose your single person council tax discount.

The sister is an adult. OP's son is 17 and still a minor. She has parental responsibility to provide him a home.

She's taking over the son's things and making herself comfortable to the point she, a guest, is having people over. She's moved in and isn't going to budge unless OP gets real and kicks her out.

The way this is going Op is going to lose her son over her sister's entitled ways while she's living off her.

no, because as far as the council are concerned the ops sister has a roof over her head so she is not homeless

the best thing the sister could do is go to the council on Monday morning and tell them she and her 6 year old have no where to go, that she has been able to leave her stuff with a friend but is homeless.

Then go through the process of getting temporary accommodation, going onto a bidding list, being banded and then every week without fail making a bid on all the properties that are listed in her band.

it would be best to leave the spare room at ops with her tv and expensive stuff.

all the while op is housing her the council will concentrate on other people who have no roof

If she had appreciated what you've done, maybe you'd have offered to let her stay. However she's treated you for a mug, £100 a month as well, so stuck to it, she has to go.

Yes I think I probably was a bit naive about the council side of things. She keeps saying she’s on the housing list and that she’s waiting to hear but I don’t think she really understands how long it could take. I’ve told her she needs to find out properly what her options are rather than just waiting for a property to come up.

you don't go on the housing list and wait to here

you are allocated a banding and then you actually bid on properties every single week. If she is not doing this and doing it every week and bidding on everything she possibly can - then she will not get a property

does she work in the same council district that you are living?

you can go to the council with her and tell them she can't stay with you anymore and she needs to be housed as she is homeless

yes this will mean temporary accommodation and she will have to pay rent and council tax ( you pay council tax in temporary accommodation) but the pain of a a few months temporary accommodation will mean her and her son are so much more likely to get their own property quicker and she is more likely to bid every week to get a property

I worked in council offices on front line, people would come up to the desk and complain that they had been on "the list" for a year and nothing was happning. id look them up and they'd not bid on a property for 6 months and then wonder why they weren't getting anywhere..?if you don't bid you aren't interested as far as the council are concerned - eventual in the district I worked in you'd be removed from the list after 1 year if you hadn't placed a bid, as you weren't serious about getting housed

if you work in one council district and live in another you can apply in both districts doubling your chances of getting a home

How old is your sister? She sounds like a total pain in the butt. Instead of buying huge tv’s she should be saving the money and actively looking for other accommodation. She certainly got a good deal moving in with you and paying only 25 quid a week. She may be your sister, but she is taking you for a ride and playing on your kindness.
You definitely need to stick with your plan to have her move out by end of next month, no matter that she is family! You are subsidising her lifestyle and the fact she is moving things around, using your son’s stuff and bringing friends in without even asking you is just so unbelievably rude.
Good Luck getting her to move out.

This is so hard - the way you've described her responses to any issues you've raised makes me think "kick her out!"
It's completely unacceptable when someone is doing you a huge, life-changing favour and they raise a completely reasonable issue and you respond "you're making a fuss over nothing."
But on the other hand you don't want them to be homeless

Possibly nothing if she’s bought herself a television…

Don’t feel guilty if she goes into temporary accomadation. That’s no different to her staying in one bedroom with you.

@BrumMum1978
She will not be even remotely considered for council housing if she's cosily ensconced in at yours
And has she really gone to the council anyway like she's claimed?
Tell her you've done your homework and for her to get council housing SHE HAS TO BE HOMELESS
So you are serving her notice and as for the bits she's bought she can put them in storage for her new home or sell them for the cash she's going to need
I think she's banking on you being blood
And Christmas will come then merge into Easter etc, etc
So don't let her stay
Also she could ask the council about referral to a Housing Association waiting list; she might get lucky
And say to her if the shoe was on the other foot would she have done the same for you??
I'd say going by her assumptive grabby nature I think not

You’ve been really generous and six weeks was a good length of time to get things organised. Snooping in other people’s bedrooms, taking their things and bringing strangers into your home is all really poor behaviour.

I wouldn’t start charging her more money as that will encourage her to see it as proper rent and assume the arrangement is continuing.

Totally agree on seeing evidence of council info and/or attending with her to explain you cannot house her. Presumably she would move back to her ex’s flat rather than go into temporary accommodation. That would be better for her son.

Honestly, the situation sounds pretty urgent now. If she is still in your spare room one day into November then the emotional blackmail about her son and Christmas will begin…..

She needs to present as homeless not just apply for council or housing association accommodation. You need to give her a letter saying you are only accommodating her short term and you can no longer do this after 31st October. They may be equally interested in why she left her previous accommodation. If she left by choice that might make her intentionally homeless, if her ex is still there they will regard that as a property she has a right to occupy. If she is on the tenancy agreement she may also be responsible for the rent if her ex stops paying. It sounds as if she needs something of a reality check and also needs to take responsibility for housing herself and her child.

Is she saving any money or just blowing it all and using your hospitality? £100 isn’t much I’m sure she could’ve saved a deposit by now for a private rental?!

Hi OP,

I was homeless 7 years ago. Long-term ill health resulting in disability led to me having my home repossessed. I was able to give the council 6 months warning of my impending homelessness but it didn’t matter; I was only classed as homeless the actual day my former home was repossessed. On the day the house was repossessed, I left with a bag of my possessions & the council placed me in temporary accommodation (which was a room in a B&B). I won’t lie, it was far from ideal for a woman & child but sadly, that’s the process. Some areas have better temporary accommodation available than others. I remained in temporary accommodation for 8/9 months before being offered a home, which I immediately accepted. It was then another 3/4 weeks before I was given the keys & was able to move in.

My time in temporary accommodation was difficult, frightening & at times, unsafe. The insecurity & uncertainty of those 8/9 months was really hard on my mental & physical health, meaning my overall condition deteriorated further. The stress associated with becoming homeless is extreme & all encompassing. It’s often made worse by the fact that you have absolutely no idea how long you will have to wait for suitable accommodation to become available. However, there is no way around this process. It is what it is & it is certainly better than finding yourself street homeless & having to find to lay down, night after night.

If your sister has already registered with the council, she should have been assigned a named housing officer. If she hasn’t got one yet then she has a fair bit of work to do. The housing officer will be her point of contact moving forwards. In addition, she should’ve had a sit down interview/assessment with the housing officer, shortly after she registered herself as homeless/in need of housing, to determine whether or not the council has a duty to house her. This is crucial & the first step. I met with Shelter prior to my interview/assessment & their advice was excellent re the council & universal credit etc. It would be advisable for your sister to contact Shelter ASAP.

From what you say, I’m not sure that your sister has taken all the appropriate steps. However, it is a very challenging & overwhelming process. I would not have been able to navigate it alone, so it’s likely your sister will need support too. I can understand why your sister is reluctant to face her reality. Friends kindly offered me places to stay, albeit, temporarily. However, I knew this would only delay the process by a few months, so I opted to go straight into temporary accommodation & get it over with. It’s not easy but I knew it was something I had to go through in order to regain some security & stability.

You sound like you genuinely care about your sister & nephew OP. You have tried to help them, but the best thing you could do now would be to make an appointment with Shelter. Perhaps you could accompany your sister to the appointment? That would certainly be a big help, as there’s a lot to absorb. Wishing you all the best OP.

The agreeing £100 a month when she was only supposed to be staying 6 weeks has confused me tbh. 6 weeks is only a week and a half longer than a month, so it seems a bit odd to me. It sounds like something you'd agree if somebody was staying for a couple of months or longer, so maybe that's why she's lingering. On top of having it cushy.

If my sister went in either of my sons' rooms and moved their stuff, she would have been gone. My sons would have packed up and left if I'd have let her stay.

Is she saving money whilst having barely any living expenses?

completely agree Op

the choice is between your sister and your son, it’s as simple as that.

Shes in a difficult position but she’s feckless and has made poor decisions, assuming that she can exploit your goodwill. She’s manipulating and controlling you.

Dont fuck up your relationship with your son! This is a critical age and they don’t forget.

What does that even mean?
To privately rent, you need the holding fee while they process your application, then a deposit and rent up front. Usually at least £1k. You fill in an application and can be knocked back, landlords credit check and pick the best. You don't get your holding fee back. My DD, working full time excellent credit score, good savings, reference from her LL (she needed another bedroom) took three months to get a private rental. Only because they let me view it and she trusted my judgement. The agent won't wait until you can get time off work and the houses go on the day.
If she has applied as being homeless, it still takes time. However it's strange that she hasn't changed her official address to your's and needed proof from you.
I personally wouldn't see my sister and nephew in temporary accommodation over Christmas. There needs to be a blunt conversation. Any broken rules and she is out. I want the truth about what address she is using for UC/Child benefit etc. She'll only get the local housing allowance. So it might be that she can't get a private rental, without working more hours.