AIBU to tell my sister she can’t use my spare room anymore?

[BrumMum1978]

My younger sister split up with her partner in July and needed somewhere to stay while she sorted herself out. She has a 6 year old son and I offered them my spare room for 6 weeks. I thought that was reasonable and obviously wanted to help her. The agreement was £100 a month towards food and bills.

At first it was all fine. I’m separated from my husband and live with my 17 year old son who is at college. My daughter is 22 and away at university so there is usually plenty of room in the house. My sister and nephew were sharing the spare room and I thought it would be ok for a short time while she found somewhere else. I wasn’t expecting her to be gone overnight but I did think 6 weeks was long enough to get things moving.

The problem is she has gradually started treating the house like it’s hers. She rearranged all the furniture in the spare room and bought a massive television for it. I didn’t mind her making it comfortable but she’s now got all her things everywhere and it doesn’t really feel like a spare room anymore. She has also started using my son’s gaming equipment and borrowing clothes without asking. He came home one day and found his things had been moved around and was understandably annoyed.

I told my sister she needs to stop using his things without asking but she said she was only trying to make the room nice for herself and her son. She said he wasn’t even using the gaming stuff most of the time so she didn’t see the problem. My son is 17, not 7, and he doesn’t want his aunt going through his things. He’s also said he feels like he can’t relax at home anymore because there is always somebody in his space.

She has also started having friends over. I don’t mind the odd visit obviously but there have been quite a few lately and sometimes I don’t even know they are coming until they turn up. The house is small and when there are extra people in it, it feels very crowded. My son has complained about people being in the house when he gets back from college and I do understand why he’s fed up. I’ve spoken to my sister about it but she thinks I’m making a fuss over nothing.

The main issue happened this week when I heard my sister telling my nephew that they could stay here until Christmas. I asked her about it and she said she had told him that because she didn’t want him worrying about where they would be living. I said that wasn’t what we agreed and she said she knows but she can’t just find a council property immediately. I do understand that but she can’t decide to stay for another few months without asking me first. I offered 6 weeks, not until Christmas.

I told her she needs to move out by the end of October. I thought that gave her time to sort something out but she got really upset and said I was putting her and her son at risk of homelessness. She said we are sisters and I should be helping her, not giving her a deadline. My daughter thinks I should let them stay longer because they have nowhere else to go and says it’s only a few more months. My son says he wants his privacy back and thinks I should stick to what I originally agreed.

I feel awful because I don’t want my sister and nephew to be homeless and I do love them. But I also feel like the arrangement has changed without my agreement and I’m now expected to just accept it. I’ve got my own home and my son to think about and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want my spare room back. I’m not saying she has to leave tomorrow but I do think the end of October is fair. AIBU?

Thanks, I didn’t realise it could vary so much depending on the council. I think she is just assuming that because she’s on the list she will eventually get somewhere, but she hasn’t really explained what she’s actually applied for or how long it might take.

I hadn’t thought about giving her a letter in writing either. I might have to look into that because I don’t want there to be any confusion about what I’ve said and when she needs to leave. I do feel a bit guilty about it all but I can’t keep putting it off.

As for whether she’s always been entitled, tbh yes, a bit. She’s always been the one who expects family to help her out and I’ve probably let her get away with it because I’m her sister. She can be lovely but she does have a habit of assuming people will sort things out for her. I think that’s why this has annoyed me so much, because I feel like she’s just assumed I’ll let her stay until she finds somewhere.

Yes ofcourse you're right! I read college and thought about the American equivalent.

She needs a homeless assessment done by council, it can be done prior to eviction and then she needs to ask the council for all the housing associations in her area and apply to them. An eviction letter from you may help?

I have a suspicion she will not meet the criteria for homelessness if she left her last property though. So she needs to get applying to housing associations and find out how much rent her UC will cover and look at private rentals.

I know a couple of people who put themselves on the housing list at 18 and where offered somewhere in their mid to late 20s

It's very unlikely she will get a council property that quickly- you need to be honest, your sister has obviously decided your home is pretty comfortable and there is no hurry to find anything else.
What is she doing as a job? She should find something and rent somewhere, why is she assuming you will be fine with however long she takes. I would ask for her reference with the council, showing she and her son are on their list,otherwise she could just be stringing you along- slowing using more and more of the house and resources within it suggest she is digging in for the long term.

Give her an eviction letter to take to the council office on Monday!

I think you’re probably right tbh. She does seem very comfortable here now and I’m sure there isn’t the same urgency for her to find somewhere when she has a roof over her head.

She works part time in a care home. She says she can’t afford to rent privately but I haven’t actually sat down and gone through her finances with her. I don’t know exactly what she earns or what she could afford.

I hadn’t thought of asking to see something from the council to prove she’s on the list. I’ll ask her about that because at the moment I’m just taking her word for it. She keeps saying she’s waiting to hear but I don’t know what that actually means.

I don’t want to accuse her of stringing me along but I do feel like she’s gradually making herself more settled here. The TV, moving things around and having friends over all makes it feel less like a temporary arrangement.

I’m going to have a proper conversation with her this weekend and tell her she needs to start making a serious plan. I’m happy to help with forms and looking at housing options but I can’t just leave it open ended.

OP this sounds a dreadful situation. I would speak to her now and inform her that this is your house and she needs to be gone by the end of October latest.

Do you have parents or anyone else that she could stay with?
You can insist that she shows your her finances and that you attend an appointment with the council housing team with her.
Ask her every day "what have you done today about finding a new house?"

In the meantime, £200 per week is the absolute minimum she should be contributing. What are you spending on food, council tax and utilities?

I feel like she’s just assumed I’ll let her stay until she finds somewhere.

Guessing you feel like this because its true

Our mum died a few years ago and our dad isn’t around anymore so no, there isn’t really anyone else she could stay with. She has a couple of friends but I don’t think they could have her and her son.

I hadn’t thought about going to the council with her but I think that’s probably a good idea. I’m going to ask her to show me what she’s actually applied for and what they’ve told her because at the moment I don’t really know. I don’t want to keep asking her every day what she’s done because I think we’d end up arguing but I do need to know she’s doing something.

l The £100 was meant to cover food and bills and I wasn’t trying to charge her rent. I’ll have to work out exactly what everything is costing because I honestly haven’t sat down and added it all up. The mortgage and council tax are already expensive and having two extra people here obviously adds to the food and electric.

I’m not sure I could suddenly ask her for £200 a week though, especially when we agreed £100 a month. I think I need to have the conversation about moving first rather than changing the money now. My son is saying he wants his room and privacy back and I can’t ignore that.

Is she working? Private rental ?

Unless you make her homeless she won’t be housed by the council

so she either finds a private rental or you make her homeless.

I think you are right about her getting very comfortable.
A trip to see the council together would be helpful, and definitely in writing the date she has to vacate by, so there is no back and forthing

I’d get a lock on your sons room, say no visitors and if she isn’t making an effort to find somewhere then rent needs to go up to full rate (I’m sure she’s saving loads just now).

If you increase her contribution now, she may perceive that as you are happy with her staying.

I definitely think you can’t assume she is being proactive in moving on. I’d be tempted to research the information before your meeting such as council forms and information, any local charities or organisations that can help, housing websites etc. then sit down with her. If she says we’ll do it later, then fix a time . Show her you mean business. Once you’ve done this, have weekly meeting to track process, she may think you’re hassling her, but you can reframe it as being supportive and helpful.

And don't forget an application to the CMS - her XP should be contributing to his son's care.

The housing list and temporary accommodation are two different things.

They will give her temporary accommodation and then she will have to wait in that accommodation for a council property.

It depends on the council which type they will give her. I’m my borough they house you outside the area in a property that meets your needs so if you need a two bed that’s what they will house you in. You then have to bid your way back into the borough.

Some other boroughs use hostels and hotels but they tend to give you your permanent accommodation quicker.

They will not leave her to be on the streets. They have a duty to house her. Check out the Shelter Charity website for more information.

She can be homeless but not roofless. It’s a thing.

It’s all well and good saying she needs to be out by the end of October (and I fully understand the reasons why) but unless she has some good savings (sounds like she doesn’t) then where is she realistically going to go?

I’d be surprised if she can afford to private rent as a single parent working as a part time carer.

The phrase ‘the only way out is through’ applies here. It seems that you’re going to have to find the new place with her as just saying she needs to be out by the end of October is going to achieve nothing. Both start looking for places for her together if you can, but she really does need to shape up a bit more while she’s with you.

At £100 a month she surely must be saving enough for a private deposit by, if you say, end of oct

as other people have said if she’s got somewhere to stay she is not on any council house list

Another thing - presumably you currently claim single person council tax discount, with no over 18s living with you? You only get a few weeks (3?6?) grace if you have another adult in the house, and they’ll backdate it when it comes to light. So that’s a 25% increase in your council tax she’s costing you - which she should pay, on top of whatever utilities/food etc need to be paid for.
With regard to the ‘intentionally homeless’ thing - surely the end of a relationship is sufficient grounds to leave? Especially if it turns out that the shared accommodation was in partners name and she had no grounds to stay…

@BrumMum1978 please try not to feel guilty about wanting her out. You may have to tell the council she cannot stay with you in order for her to be considered urgently. Stick to your guns.

You need to write a letter informing the council that you are no longer able to accommodate her with immediate effect. She needs to take this letter to the council offices and wait there to be provided with emergency accommodation. This is the only way she will score maximum points to be permanently housed.

It will take years (if ever!) for her to be housed otherwise. Even sofa surfing is deemed to adequate housing. She needs to play the game. Kicking her out will help her.

I agree that you likely need to be proactive and make sure she’s doing something every day to work towards finding an alternative. You can do this in a kind way, saying you understand it’s overwhelming and want to help her out.