AIBU to tell my sister she can’t use my spare room anymore?

[BrumMum1978]

My younger sister split up with her partner in July and needed somewhere to stay while she sorted herself out. She has a 6 year old son and I offered them my spare room for 6 weeks. I thought that was reasonable and obviously wanted to help her. The agreement was £100 a month towards food and bills.

At first it was all fine. I’m separated from my husband and live with my 17 year old son who is at college. My daughter is 22 and away at university so there is usually plenty of room in the house. My sister and nephew were sharing the spare room and I thought it would be ok for a short time while she found somewhere else. I wasn’t expecting her to be gone overnight but I did think 6 weeks was long enough to get things moving.

The problem is she has gradually started treating the house like it’s hers. She rearranged all the furniture in the spare room and bought a massive television for it. I didn’t mind her making it comfortable but she’s now got all her things everywhere and it doesn’t really feel like a spare room anymore. She has also started using my son’s gaming equipment and borrowing clothes without asking. He came home one day and found his things had been moved around and was understandably annoyed.

I told my sister she needs to stop using his things without asking but she said she was only trying to make the room nice for herself and her son. She said he wasn’t even using the gaming stuff most of the time so she didn’t see the problem. My son is 17, not 7, and he doesn’t want his aunt going through his things. He’s also said he feels like he can’t relax at home anymore because there is always somebody in his space.

She has also started having friends over. I don’t mind the odd visit obviously but there have been quite a few lately and sometimes I don’t even know they are coming until they turn up. The house is small and when there are extra people in it, it feels very crowded. My son has complained about people being in the house when he gets back from college and I do understand why he’s fed up. I’ve spoken to my sister about it but she thinks I’m making a fuss over nothing.

The main issue happened this week when I heard my sister telling my nephew that they could stay here until Christmas. I asked her about it and she said she had told him that because she didn’t want him worrying about where they would be living. I said that wasn’t what we agreed and she said she knows but she can’t just find a council property immediately. I do understand that but she can’t decide to stay for another few months without asking me first. I offered 6 weeks, not until Christmas.

I told her she needs to move out by the end of October. I thought that gave her time to sort something out but she got really upset and said I was putting her and her son at risk of homelessness. She said we are sisters and I should be helping her, not giving her a deadline. My daughter thinks I should let them stay longer because they have nowhere else to go and says it’s only a few more months. My son says he wants his privacy back and thinks I should stick to what I originally agreed.

I feel awful because I don’t want my sister and nephew to be homeless and I do love them. But I also feel like the arrangement has changed without my agreement and I’m now expected to just accept it. I’ve got my own home and my son to think about and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want my spare room back. I’m not saying she has to leave tomorrow but I do think the end of October is fair. AIBU?

People should not need to be told to not go into another persons room, root around their stuff, and borrow (steal) their gaming stuff, and borrow (steal) clothes. I think that’s the point whereby op had had enough.

Presumably your sister wouldn't be a cf, invading other people's space and privacy. Plus messing around with the spare room. It's so bloody rude.

@Silverbirchleaftotally understand how annoying that would be, which is why I agree there needs to be a conversation about boundaries, but making them homeless should be a last resort. Again, why isn't the boy's father doing anything to help?

She'll find something quickly enough when she has to. Turf her out. I'm all for supporting family but her behaviour isn't showing that she is grateful nor is she being respectful.

Is this even real? If she thinks she can get council accommodation while you are accommodating her then she obviously hasn't even talked to the council about it yet.
You need to give her a written week's notice to leave so she can take it to the council. Then they will be moved into emergency accommodation, and given help to find somewhere to rent. If she totally fails at that then in a few years she might be offered a small flat.

You owe this to your son and to yourself. Unless she finds a new man to lodge with she is not going to move out of her own volition. Imagine you let her stay till Christmas, how cruel she will paint you for telling her to leave in the winter. Seriously you know that she will paint you as the bad guy whenever it happens so do the right thing for everyone and move her along now.

Presumably your sister works and may be entitled to benefits, including help with housing costs? I think you need to sit down with her and work out a realistic plan.
Social housing is intended for those in the greatest need, but because we simply don’t build enough, demand massively outweighs supply. It could take years for her to be offered somewhere and, as others have said, she is unlikely to be considered a priority.

Has she looked into affordable housing? This is often around 80% of the market rate, and there are lots of new-build developments near me offering it, although she would still need to pass the relevant affordability checks. I think she may need a reality check about her options.

Her behaviour also makes it very clear that she now sees your home as hers, rather than somewhere she is staying as a guest. You need to be much firmer with your boundaries. Going through your son’s room is completely unacceptable, and she needs to respect that this is your and your son’s home. Why can’t she meet her friends elsewhere?

You also only agreed to £100 every six weeks. I would be asking her to contribute more and making the arrangement less comfortable, otherwise she has very little incentive to find somewhere else.

This.

Where is all her stuff or has she left the previous relationship with nothing?
If there is DV she might be able to get help if she has a right to be in the previous property I.e. if her name is on the tenancy.
If she has a right to be there and there is no DV, the council may tell her to go back to her property while she's on a waiting list for new accommodation and that could take years.

Could she afford a flat with housing benefit to help with the cost?

I think if you want her to go, you might need to help her get out (I just mean the forms etc.) because she doesn't have much incentive to move into a (potentially) less desirable home that will cost her more money.

Six weeks is not very long to reorganise a life and accommodation, especially if money is an issue, but I think you're right to impose a deadline of sorts or she may just stay and hope the situation resolved itself, which we all know it probably won't.

She will never move out as it’s too easy and cheap for her at yours. She’s already planning on staying longer than agreed and that’s why she’s told her son they will be there at Christmas. I imagine when you ask her to move out sooner than that she will use that to make you feel guilty- ie oh I’ve told son we will be here at Christmas and he’ll be so upset if we have to move, especially at Christmas.
Using or moving your son’s stuff isn’t on at all, he must hate that and it’s not fair on him. He needs some privacy in his own home.

She can’t have even spoken to the council as her info on council housing is wrong.
Take control of this now or she will be there this time next year as there will always be a ‘reason’ they can’t go elsewhere.

Thanks everyone. Just to answer a few questions, she does work but is only part time at the moment. She says she can’t afford to rent privately and is waiting to hear from the council. I don’t know if she will actually get a council house, I think she just assumes they will find her somewhere eventually.

The £100 was meant to cover food and bills, not rent. I wasn’t trying to make money from her, I was trying to help her out. I have asked her what she is doing about moving and she keeps saying she is looking into it but there doesn’t seem to be much happening.

The gaming stuff is still in my son’s room, she hasn’t moved it into the spare room. She has just been using it when he’s at college and sometimes moving things around. He’s not happy about it and I’ve told her she needs to stop.

There isn’t any DV as far as I know, she left the relationship and is staying here while she sorts things out. Her son’s dad is still around but I don’t know how much help he is giving her. She hasn’t mentioned getting any money from the separation.

I agree that six weeks might have been optimistic but I thought she would at least be making some progress by now. I don’t mind helping her with forms or looking at options, but I don’t want to be in the same position at Christmas with her saying she needs another few months.

I’m going to have another proper conversation with her about it and make it clear that the end of October is the deadline. I don’t want her friends coming over anymore either, especially without asking. I do feel guilty but my son is fed up and I can’t just ignore that.

It’s easy for your DD to tell you to let her stay longer because she isn’t affected!
your sister is being a massive CF & isn’t even grateful that you’re doing her a big favour.

She's not going to get handed a property by the council! If she's on the housing list it will be literally years until she gets top of the list. What were the circumstances of her leaving her last property? Is it possible she would be considered intentionally homeless? I'm wondering why she came to you rather than being housed in emergency accommodation by the council if that's the route she's trying to take?

I presume she's got too comfortable and likes the easy life, in no hurry to move.
Sadly I think you're right to insist she moves out in 6 weeks, even if she stays longer, it will put the rocket up her bum to get things moving.

It's a 2 year wait here for council properties. Good luck OP.

Have that conversation asap and be super clear. She is with you temporarily and that ends 31st October or whichever date you choose.

She needs advice (Shelter/Citizens Advice?) on the best way to get accommodation. I imagine a private rental flat or house is her best bet.

I’d tell her the £100 a month is low so she can save for a deposit. And expect her to save one up.

She’s got her feet under the table and doesn’t think she has to leave anytime soon. Be clear that’s she does.

Yes I think I probably was a bit naive about the council side of things. She keeps saying she’s on the housing list and that she’s waiting to hear but I don’t think she really understands how long it could take. I’ve told her she needs to find out properly what her options are rather than just waiting for a property to come up.

She left the property she was living in with her partner when they split up. As far as I know there wasn’t any DV and she could have stayed there while things were being sorted but she didn’t want to. I don’t know if that would mean she was intentionally homeless, I’m not really sure how it works.

I think she came to me because she knew I would let her and her son stay. She didn’t want to go into temporary accommodation and thought staying with family would be easier. I understand that but I also didn’t realise it would turn into this.

I’m going to tell her to speak to the council properly and find out where she stands. I don’t want her to be stuck but I also can’t have her assuming she can stay here until something comes up.

Make it clear to her she has untiL October but if she keeps behaving as she has been then she will be out by the weekend as you’ve had enough!!

Unfortunately you give people an inch and they take a mile. She's clearly trying to stay at yours long-term and that idea needs to be nipped in the bud fast!

Stop treating the terms of her stay as a negotiation or a debate. You tell her the house rules, she tells you if she has a legitimate reason why she needs to make a specific exception, otherwise if she breaks the rules one more time she's out the next day with a letter to the Council saying she can no longer stay.

I'd let her arrange the room she's staying in as she likes, provided there's no permanent damage, but NOT the rest of the house. It's absolutely ridiculous that she is going into your son's room and using his things without his permission, and unacceptable that she keeps inviting guests when she's been told not to. It doesn't matter at all whether she thinks you are being unreasonable or making a fuss over nothing, you are simply reminding her of the house rules which must and will be followed so that the people who actually live there can get on with their lives while she and her son are staying as temporary guests.

Depends on the local authority. Some might have a short waiting list. London boroughs are 10 years in many cases, can be longer! I know someone in Yorkshire who was not especially high needs and got a council property within 6 weeks. So the location matters. I think housing associations are a good way to go, though the process is similar.

End of October is too generous. If you serve her 4 weeks notice now - in writing, mid October Oct is very reasonable and she can present your letter to the council as proof of being threatened with homelessness. More than that is too much and they won’t deal with her quickly - it is better if imminent threat of homelessness.

yanbu. has she always been an entitled person?

@BrumMum1978 Your son doesn't live with you so who cares if he's not comfortable because there are more people in the house? He sounds very entitled. She shouldn't borrow his things without asking ofcourse but he should have no say about their presence in your house that he no longer lives in.

As for her. If you want her to get motivated about finding somewhere to live you need to make her less comfortable : no visitors, increase of contribution for food/bills (100£ is ridiculous- that's one week of food) and tell her to keep things tidy. Right now she's not motivated to work ft because she's having a good life at yours. And if she doesn't work ft she will have a hard time finding a private rental.

Yes, she's intentionally homeless in that case. And moving in with you doesn't change that, even if you kick her out on the street. She works part time and can't afford private renting and now she's in your spare room 🤦🏼‍♀️ you're never going to get rid of her. The council won't touch her.

He does live there!?

The end of October is too far away. It's another six weeks on top of the six she's had already. Plus being so much closer to Christmas she will make out you're spoiling her son's Christmas. You're going to have to get much tougher or they will still be with you in the new year.

Stick to end Oct as others have said, it will make her a priority for housing. Dont let up she's taking advantage of you and being in yoyr sons stiff is ooo.