AIBU to tell my sister she can’t use my spare room anymore?

[BrumMum1978]

My younger sister split up with her partner in July and needed somewhere to stay while she sorted herself out. She has a 6 year old son and I offered them my spare room for 6 weeks. I thought that was reasonable and obviously wanted to help her. The agreement was £100 a month towards food and bills.

At first it was all fine. I’m separated from my husband and live with my 17 year old son who is at college. My daughter is 22 and away at university so there is usually plenty of room in the house. My sister and nephew were sharing the spare room and I thought it would be ok for a short time while she found somewhere else. I wasn’t expecting her to be gone overnight but I did think 6 weeks was long enough to get things moving.

The problem is she has gradually started treating the house like it’s hers. She rearranged all the furniture in the spare room and bought a massive television for it. I didn’t mind her making it comfortable but she’s now got all her things everywhere and it doesn’t really feel like a spare room anymore. She has also started using my son’s gaming equipment and borrowing clothes without asking. He came home one day and found his things had been moved around and was understandably annoyed.

I told my sister she needs to stop using his things without asking but she said she was only trying to make the room nice for herself and her son. She said he wasn’t even using the gaming stuff most of the time so she didn’t see the problem. My son is 17, not 7, and he doesn’t want his aunt going through his things. He’s also said he feels like he can’t relax at home anymore because there is always somebody in his space.

She has also started having friends over. I don’t mind the odd visit obviously but there have been quite a few lately and sometimes I don’t even know they are coming until they turn up. The house is small and when there are extra people in it, it feels very crowded. My son has complained about people being in the house when he gets back from college and I do understand why he’s fed up. I’ve spoken to my sister about it but she thinks I’m making a fuss over nothing.

The main issue happened this week when I heard my sister telling my nephew that they could stay here until Christmas. I asked her about it and she said she had told him that because she didn’t want him worrying about where they would be living. I said that wasn’t what we agreed and she said she knows but she can’t just find a council property immediately. I do understand that but she can’t decide to stay for another few months without asking me first. I offered 6 weeks, not until Christmas.

I told her she needs to move out by the end of October. I thought that gave her time to sort something out but she got really upset and said I was putting her and her son at risk of homelessness. She said we are sisters and I should be helping her, not giving her a deadline. My daughter thinks I should let them stay longer because they have nowhere else to go and says it’s only a few more months. My son says he wants his privacy back and thinks I should stick to what I originally agreed.

I feel awful because I don’t want my sister and nephew to be homeless and I do love them. But I also feel like the arrangement has changed without my agreement and I’m now expected to just accept it. I’ve got my own home and my son to think about and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want my spare room back. I’m not saying she has to leave tomorrow but I do think the end of October is fair. AIBU?

They absolutely don't necessarily have a duty to house her. If she left her last accommodation voluntarily, which it sounds like she did, she would be found intentionally homeless and they would discharge their duty on that basis.

She left her partners address after a relationship breakdown and now her sister will be making her leave. I don’t see how the council will say she made herself intentionally homeless.

Check out entitledto.co.uk to see how much Universal Credit she may get. You mIght have to help with the deposit but she could rent privately.

If she was on the tenancy, and the relationship wasn’t abusive, and she just walked away from secure accommodation, it is possible that would be considered as intentional homelessness.

It doesn’t mean she wanted to be homeless, but that her actions and decisions resulted in homelessness.

The behaviour described is annoying, but so far below the line I would draw to make close family - including a child - homeless.

You say you feel a bit guilty about asking her to leave but honestly it is your own son who you should be feeling a bit guilty about if you can't or won't protect him from his entitled aunt. He really doesn't have anywhere else to go and relies on you for his home and security. He is at an important stage of life. Kindly, it is often easier to give away our immediate loved one's time and rights to be kind to a squeaky gate, and forget that it is not just you who is making a sacrifice, but they are too, and not by choice.
Imagine if your son moves out as soon as he can because of them, and then you have even less excuse to do the right thing and help your sister move to the next stage of her life. It will always be hard to ask for proper contribution just as it will always be hard to move them on.
You need to act now, decisively, before it gets harder.

That’s a very good point that @Whoopiedooo makes. Your son is your priority.

Agree with this. It seems there was no reason your sister had to move out of her partners until she’d found somewhere else , which makes me think she knew you’d be a pushover and was already eyeing up your spare room long term before you even offered.

Because she didn't legally have to leave her previous tenancy. The council are not responsible for housing someone just because they don't want to live somewhere any more. Absent DV or a legal eviction, anyone leaving a tenancy voluntarily is by definition intentionally homeless.

OP don't forget that she will be getting UC to top up her wages plus the basic amount for being a single parent. She will get a contribution towards her rent if she rents privately. If she is only paying £100 per month, what is she doing with the rest of it? Is she saving to move for example? How many hours does she work? Most schools have breakfact clubs and afterschool clubs which would help. I wouldn't allow visitors I'm afraid, especially when you say you have no idea who is in your home. That makes it much too comfortable and she is definitely getting too comfortable there.

Why are you putting them before your son's needs. He needs his space, privacy. You are going to have her for years id you don't stand up to her

She should have stayed where she was unless she was at risk. It would be easier for the partner to move out, but in any case it is for them to sort out, not for your sister to impose on your family and unless it's a really urgent situation. Lots of people splitting up have to put up with each other for a while until they can sort something out.

There is no way she is going to get a council proper for least a year. Prob longer

and def not while at yours

so she needs to rent privately with help maybe via uc

is the spare room your sons gaming room ?

or is she going into his bedroom which is totally piss taking

and £100 a month. No wonder she wants to stay

Least that week for food and bills

plus assume you have lost your 25% single council tax as son is 17

She'll be years on a council property waiting list and they'd likely put her in a b&b in the meantime. Maybe help her to get a private rental property.

She has a very cushy number going on with you op, why should she leave? You need to stick to your plan for your kids sake, if not yours. Even when it gets difficult, and the crying and emotional blackmail starts - which it likely will. She won’t get a council house quickly I don’t suppose, but she needs to get her arse down to the housing dept and push for some accommodation. Go with her if it will help (and you’ll know the true story of what they say). You did a nice thing, and she’s taking the piss. Time to put a stop to being taken advantage of.

God, nightmare position to be in. You want to help her but she's being bloody rude. I think it it were me, I'd let her stay if only for the child, but she needs to stop inviting people over without telling you and absolutely she stays out if your son's room and does not take his stuff. Basically she's telling you she will do what she wants in your home, not very grateful, so you need to be very clear if it doesnt stop, she's out. And work out a plan of action for how's she's going to get her own place, even if it means going with her to CAB or similar to get advice. You've done her a huge kindness and she's taking the P really.

£100 a month for 2 people to eat? That would probably only cover a week

what does she do for work?

It sounds like she had no intention of moving out after six weeks and instead is planning to wear you down and stay permanently. She's an adult - does she work? How many properties has she viewed? Why does she think she should get a council home instead of a private let?

If by help you mean by a guarantor that would be madness.

It may well be that you have to kick her out in order for her to qualify for emergency accomodation. Depending on where you are she may be housed in a b and b or hostel if there are no temporary properties available. She would be allocated a priority band and then need to be actively looking and bidding on properties as they come up.

Another option might be her looking for a housing association property. I think these days you apply through the same process. That may be area dependent. If you have a local community hub or housing options office she can go in there to get advice.

This.

You are in an extremely difficult position OP.

There is a huge housing crisis in the UK and a massive shortage of social housing.

Your sister has nowhere to go, and the council may declare her "intentionally homeless" (a legal term) as she left her previous home voluntarily.

If you "kick her out" with a letter saying she has to leave, the council is likely to put extreme pressure on you to continue to house your sister and nephew. Be ready for this.

If you refuse, and the council find your sister intentionally homeless, the council will not help her find somewhere permanent to live. Their only duty to her would be emergency accommodation because she has a child. This is likely to be a B&B, hotel or hostel.

She could be an emergency accommodation for a long time, with no prospect of a permanent home.

The council will tell you all of this with the aim of convincing you to continue to house her. (They know that very few people want to see close family members living in a B&B for years).

Your sister needs advice as a matter of urgency about housing, benefits and child maintenance from her ex-partner.

I'd suggest she starts at your local Citizens Advice, and/or contacts Shelter.

There is no easy route forward or solution here OP. I really feel for you. All the best.

It shouldn't be your responsibility but maybe you have to do some of the legwork for her. Find out what's for rent locally at what price, deposit, references etc and get her involved with making a choice. I'm presuming it may be a studio flat or HMO but it's a stepping stone to hopefully better things for her in the future.
You can check the council position but sounds like she has unrealistic expectations and is not sufficiently motivated to find a new home whilst she's comfortably and cheaply accommodated at yours.

You need to tell her if she isn’t likely to get a council hour anytime soon she needs to look at things again because circumstances have changed so she can’t afford to work part time. She needs to pick up more hours and earn more money so she can put a roof over her and her son’s head.

Would you want to live with your sister long term, if you had a house with enough space for everybody? You're both single. There's the potential you and your 17 year old could offer some childcare so she could work more hours. If you felt comfortable owning a house with her (maybe not the current one) you might end up paying less mortgage personally with her contributing a bit.

I don't imagine she's happy with the situation either, sharing a bedroom with a six year old - it's fine temporarily but not great longer term even though it's cheap.

I think if she behaved better with your son's things it'd be less of a problem having her stay longer. Banning visitors for a medium term guest is a bit unreasonable but you could discourage multiple visitors in a week on the basis of space / give her / your son / you allocated days for visitors. Offering to babysit if she goes out with a friend rather than having them over might work too.

The charity Shelter are good for advice on housing. I would talk to them before the Council. She may be able to apply as homeless. The Council may help with a deposit for a private rental. You may be happy to be a guarantor for her if she needs one in the private rented sector.

YADNBU. You said 6 weeks, which was generous, and that should have been the end of it. She is now making this your problem to sort out. Instead of you spending your time trying to navigate the council housing system, she needs to get a proper full time job and find private rented accommodation.