I can't move on after affair allegations and flirty emails years later

[CandidDifficulties]

Several years ago I received a letter saying my husband was having an affair with a woman at work. In the letter it mentioned them by name, and also details of email accounts they used and said they went to a hotel. The hotel was not named. The woman was a previous work colleague from a company he had not long left, and I recognised her name as someone he’d spoken about before.

He was in the room when I opened and read the letter, so I immediately showed it to him (I was in shock. I may not have done this if I had had time on my own to process the letter). He immediately denied it and has continued to deny it in the decade since. He admitted they were friends but said nothing else had happened. One of the first things he said on that day the letter arrived was (and I’m paraphrasing here), was how he was upset because he ‘knew’ that this would ruin our relationship from now on because I would always have doubt, no matter how much he denied it.

Looking back, I don’t really know now how I dealt with it in those first few days, nor can I explain my response. Our children were very young at the time, the youngest just a baby. My mum had recently had cancer and our job situations were precarious. I don’t think I properly considered splitting up over it, not least because he was so vociferous in his denial, and I felt I had no concrete evidence to blow up our family over. He claimed it was likely sent by another ex-colleague who had a vendetta against him – and indeed I did know of a person in his former job who he hadn’t gotten along with. However, it never made sense to me why this person would send an anonymous letter to me making these claims just for a vendetta – what on earth would they get out of it? Why bother? You would have to absolutely hate someone so much to go to the effort of finding their wife’s name and address and making such allegations. This part never made sense and is just one of the reasons I’ve never really been able to let this go emotionally.

We carried on. I mainly had to accept his continued denials, but every few months we would argue about it. A regular theme would be him getting frustrated at me for continuing not to trust him or believe him that nothing happened.

A few years later, I found old emails between him and her on his old laptop (one of our children was using it for online Zoom lessons as this was during a Covid lockdown, and I suddenly decided to search for her name in the email search bar). The emails were old, but from AFTER when the letter was sent/received by me – two years later. They were flirty and familiar. In one email he had sent her a link to a music video saying it made him think about her (this broke my heart). They were catching up and asking about each other, but in a way that was far too emotionally close, although there was no specific content within the emails that I could say was conclusive ‘proof’. Yet again this caused a huge rift between us as I confronted him about it. He was very contrite and but still stuck to his insistence that nothing physical had ever happened between them. I was (and still am) adamant that this was an emotional affair, with a level of closeness far beyond what was OK for two married people (she has a husband and kids). He doesn’t fully agree but has accepted (to an extent) that this is how I feel.

Long story short, I felt I had to accept his version of events. I have nothing else to go on, but year after year, it keeps rearing its’ ugly head in my emotional inner life. We have had more arguments and conversations about this than I can count, all instigated by me when I bubble over and feel overwhelmed with certainty that I have been lied to, and it is that lack of trust that I can’t really accept. I don’t know what to do. I am desperate to uncover objective facts, but I have left it far too long to find any real evidence of an affair, I don’t think they are in touch anymore. For the last few years I have pinged between anxiety and certainty that he has lied to me, and on the other hand, believing in him. We have been together for a really really long time, and our family is the most important thing in the world to me. I could not bear to ruin my kids lives by breaking apart their family (they are growing up but all still at school/college). But nor can I relax into accepting his version of events. I don’t understand why I am like this, because in many ways I think I’m creating my own problems here – he’s continuously denied it and is a loving husband who tells me how much he loves me every day, so why can’t I let it go? We used to be very happy. But I have been tormenting myself with this for years and years, and I can’t see straight any more. I feel like my thoughts and emotions are sending me crazy. I would love some advice from anyone who’s been through something similar. Should I just let it go and move on, or is my gut instinct telling me something? And what about my kids?

Thank you to anyone who can help x

Hi OP, a bit controversial but I would advise that you go out and get yourself a penpal, and then deny deny.
Play him at his own game and drive HIM to insanity.
Now, I know this is petty and immoral as hell, but my god it will give you some power and strength to live with this cloud over your head!

Very similar to many other stories on here really…

messages that I noticed over the years, Facebook notifications from women (although he claimed he didn’t have FB!), overly familiar messages to women he knew, messages to massage parlors etc. He always managed to explain things away and having a typically busy life, I accepted it.

Then I recently managed to hack his Instagram account, then his FB, then messenger. I found he had literally 1000’s on women’friends’. He messaged them everyday for the last few years. Lots of typical overly sexual messages to women he wouldn’t stand a chance with. He seemed to enjoy the contact, but as far as I know he never went through with meeting anyone. Lots were either AI, scams etc. I almost feel embarrassed for him. He comes across as a pathetic older man to be honest, desperate for attention.
I feel reasonably confident he hasn’t been physically involved with anyone, but the trust has completely disappeared.

I feel conned if I’m frank.

I had a turbulent life with my previous partner and when I met my husband, it felt right, like life could now be calm. Looking back now, the signs were always there, I just didn’t want to see them.

what the heck is wrong with so many men!

Thank you for this thread, OP, and others who have posted. It's arrived like the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-to-Come for me. I'm increasingly sure this will be me down the line, and it is a relief to read others' experiences as it makes me feel slightly less crazy.

The expectation of closure at some future point kept me engaged in the repair for a long time -my partner thrilled to be given a second chance and EA OW feeling like I'd 'won' when he called it off following disclosure, but like you, I struggle to find peace despite things seeming being back on track. I'm exhausted. So sorry, OP and everyone else.

Agree, I’ve found this thread so helpful. Good luck to everyone.