I can't move on after affair allegations and flirty emails years later

[CandidDifficulties]

Several years ago I received a letter saying my husband was having an affair with a woman at work. In the letter it mentioned them by name, and also details of email accounts they used and said they went to a hotel. The hotel was not named. The woman was a previous work colleague from a company he had not long left, and I recognised her name as someone he’d spoken about before.

He was in the room when I opened and read the letter, so I immediately showed it to him (I was in shock. I may not have done this if I had had time on my own to process the letter). He immediately denied it and has continued to deny it in the decade since. He admitted they were friends but said nothing else had happened. One of the first things he said on that day the letter arrived was (and I’m paraphrasing here), was how he was upset because he ‘knew’ that this would ruin our relationship from now on because I would always have doubt, no matter how much he denied it.

Looking back, I don’t really know now how I dealt with it in those first few days, nor can I explain my response. Our children were very young at the time, the youngest just a baby. My mum had recently had cancer and our job situations were precarious. I don’t think I properly considered splitting up over it, not least because he was so vociferous in his denial, and I felt I had no concrete evidence to blow up our family over. He claimed it was likely sent by another ex-colleague who had a vendetta against him – and indeed I did know of a person in his former job who he hadn’t gotten along with. However, it never made sense to me why this person would send an anonymous letter to me making these claims just for a vendetta – what on earth would they get out of it? Why bother? You would have to absolutely hate someone so much to go to the effort of finding their wife’s name and address and making such allegations. This part never made sense and is just one of the reasons I’ve never really been able to let this go emotionally.

We carried on. I mainly had to accept his continued denials, but every few months we would argue about it. A regular theme would be him getting frustrated at me for continuing not to trust him or believe him that nothing happened.

A few years later, I found old emails between him and her on his old laptop (one of our children was using it for online Zoom lessons as this was during a Covid lockdown, and I suddenly decided to search for her name in the email search bar). The emails were old, but from AFTER when the letter was sent/received by me – two years later. They were flirty and familiar. In one email he had sent her a link to a music video saying it made him think about her (this broke my heart). They were catching up and asking about each other, but in a way that was far too emotionally close, although there was no specific content within the emails that I could say was conclusive ‘proof’. Yet again this caused a huge rift between us as I confronted him about it. He was very contrite and but still stuck to his insistence that nothing physical had ever happened between them. I was (and still am) adamant that this was an emotional affair, with a level of closeness far beyond what was OK for two married people (she has a husband and kids). He doesn’t fully agree but has accepted (to an extent) that this is how I feel.

Long story short, I felt I had to accept his version of events. I have nothing else to go on, but year after year, it keeps rearing its’ ugly head in my emotional inner life. We have had more arguments and conversations about this than I can count, all instigated by me when I bubble over and feel overwhelmed with certainty that I have been lied to, and it is that lack of trust that I can’t really accept. I don’t know what to do. I am desperate to uncover objective facts, but I have left it far too long to find any real evidence of an affair, I don’t think they are in touch anymore. For the last few years I have pinged between anxiety and certainty that he has lied to me, and on the other hand, believing in him. We have been together for a really really long time, and our family is the most important thing in the world to me. I could not bear to ruin my kids lives by breaking apart their family (they are growing up but all still at school/college). But nor can I relax into accepting his version of events. I don’t understand why I am like this, because in many ways I think I’m creating my own problems here – he’s continuously denied it and is a loving husband who tells me how much he loves me every day, so why can’t I let it go? We used to be very happy. But I have been tormenting myself with this for years and years, and I can’t see straight any more. I feel like my thoughts and emotions are sending me crazy. I would love some advice from anyone who’s been through something similar. Should I just let it go and move on, or is my gut instinct telling me something? And what about my kids?

Thank you to anyone who can help x

One of the first things he said on that day the letter arrived was (and I’m paraphrasing here), was how he was upset because he ‘knew’ that this would ruin our relationship from now on because I would always have doubt, no matter how much he denied it.

So he put the responsibility for the natural, normal effects of his affair onto you right from the very beginning. I think I hate him.

@SaltyCara you make good points that he has only admitted to what I have uncovered/was sent to me. If I hadn't found them he wouldn't have told me they were having continued contact, you're right. And it seems so much more callous now (having put it down in writing) his excuse for maintaining contact with her. Reading all these responses is like seeing it happen all over again but from an outsider's perspective and it's quite hard to process.

My children are more independent but at mixed ages - the oldest is about to start uni but the youngest is still pre-teen. I have another child who is experiencing difficult teen years. So there's a lot going on from a parenting point of view. And I'm not quite sure why now. I think it just keeps replaying/coming back into my mind over and over again and I can't seem to quell it, which led to the decision to post it here and see what ppl take from it. I just needed to get it all out. Thank you

Do you think you would feel more or less at ease if you knew he had cheated but you decided to stay for the children's sake, than if you kinda half-knew he had cheated but didn't want to dig too hard because you thought you would want to stay for the children's sake anyway?

Like others have said, men who have cheated typically only admit to what you can prove. My ex said until he was blue in the face that it was only an EA. Throughout all our marriage counselling sessions he denied it was physical, swore on the DC’s lives etc (and he is a good dad so this stings still). I only found out the truth by cornering the OW. Obviously they’d been at it like rabbits behind my back.
Im not saying this is the same for you but it does seem suspicious.
Huge hugs & you’ve got this whatever you decide to do.

I am not at all surprised you can't just move on. It hasn't been dealt with.

Personally I would contact the husband and I would do it in a way that wouldn't leave me feeling too vulnerable ie. I wouldn't message any enquiries as I'd be on tenterhooks waiting for a reply which might never come.

I'd message him and say "sorry for contacting you out of the blue. we have never met. I'm sorry to be so cloak and dagger but I was hoping to speak to you about something personal and fairly sensitive. "

If he responds I'd say would you be willing to speak in person? I could pop out and meet you for a coffee close to where you work. I won't keep you long.

Then if the meeting happens I'd simply say "I'm X married to Y. A number of years ago I received an anonymous letter. Did you send it?"

Watch his reaction. Don't mention his wife yet. If he is totally confused asking who your husband is and what's this about then you can be quite confident it didn't come from him. I'd show him the letter but would say your husband has always denied it.

If he sits quietly but doesn't seem surprised then take the letter out. Take it from there.

I'd consider if you'd eventually feel confident about him and the marriage if he actually admitted he crossed boundaries and had an emotional affair. That he stopped all contact in year XXXX, and that he can't believe how stupid he was, and would never do it again. If he confessed, apologized, and you still can't fathom ever feeling good again with him, then seeking the answer of it was a physical affair will be irrelevant.

Even if you could give a rat's butt about the woman, she herself could've done a 360 and realized her behavior was harmful and stopped it at some point. I wouldn't mess with another's life like this, possibly blowing it up, creating problems in the marriage. Although an emotional affair taking place is fact and can be just as harmful as a physical affair, could you live with yourself harming another's marriage if physical cheating never occurred? And she or her spouse could put a restraining order against you, or make other problems for you.

It's my opinion that you should stick to dealing with your husband only, especially as you still haven't decided whether or not you'll stay married. If you speak to the lady or her husband and your husband finds out, he could make the decision to exit the marriage regardless of your decision.

Take care.

Of course he may actually be telling the truth and the letter was sent by some malicious person. It does happen. It's quite possible that your peace of mind has been destroyed by someone with an ax to grind.

Showing my husband my ChatGPT messages really showed him my inner thoughts. Things that wouldn’t/couldn’t be said in a face-to-face discussion were raised and I held nothing back. I guess I would compare it to him having to sit through a counseling session but being unable to comment! Not an easy read for him, but it certainly opened his eyes to the full hurt he had caused. He admitted that he probably shouldn’t have even married me as he wasn’t a decent man and similar issues had ended previous relationships.

This probably sounds really stupid, but I have taken my wedding and engagement rings off and replaced them with a lovely ring I used to wear before I met him. Looking at it and touching it when I am stressed, sort of centers me. It reminds me that although I have chosen to stay, I am still the person I was before I met him and if I decided to end our marriage, I would be absolutely fine. I don’t need him and frankly he’s lucky to have me!
Good luck in finding your peace, in whatever form it takes. I wish you well x

@moderate yes, i would definitely feel more at ease knowing for sure. I think that's what's behind all this turmoil, the feeling that I have been lied to and don't know really what happened

@FunTimesInTheRain thanks so much for your kindness, and I'm so sorry you have also been through it. It's awful to hear that your ex lied throughout your counselling sessions, that must have made you feel horrendous especially when you found out the truth. If you are able to share, it would be really helpful to find out how you approached the OW and whether she admitted it immediately or whether you had to somehow persuade her to tell you the truth?

@Goditsmemargaret thanks so much for your post. I don't have a physical copy of the letter anymore (I have pictures of it), but even so, I've been wondering overnight how I feel about going to her husband. I would hate to think that I ruin his marriage just in case he didn't send the letter (because it's only a hunch I have), and perhaps this would be the first time he would have heard of any affair allegations. Maybe they both know about it, maybe they've worked through it, I have no idea. But I don't think I want to put myself in that position where I risk being the person who sets off a metaphorical bomb inside someone else's relationship (which is why I would never send a letter like this in the first place! but that's immaterial I know). But thank you so much for taking the time to think about my situation and offer help

@Tel12 yes, that's the version of events I have tried to believe all this time. It just doesn't hold up for me anymore

@ScorpionLioness79 thank you. I think you're onto something with the guilt about messing with another person's life/relationship, which is why I don't think I would go to the husband now (it's been so helpful to think about this with everyone's responses).

But the alleged OW does know about these allegations because my OH said he spoke to her about them after hte letter arrived. So if I did want to talk to her about it, it wouldn't be the first time she's heard about it. I just have no idea whether it's something she and her husband have discussed, whether she kept it from him, whetehr she knows he was the one who sent it, or whether even she was the one that sent it = everything is a possibilty. I really need to think about it. And I have been fixated on wanting to unearth the truth about a physical relationship in addition to an EA - maybe because my husband seems to think that an EA isn't really cheating. I know it's an unhealthy fixation. Your words have really helped bolster my thinking and belief that my feelings and torment are valid. Thank you

Just thinking here...after all this time, who is more likely to be happy to respond? OW or her husband. OW might lie if she though her DH would find out. Her DH wouldn't have anything to lose and could be more likely to tell you if it was him (I think). If it wasn't him then don't you think he deserves to know anyway?

@Heysham1 that sounds really good - thank you. And these symbolic resources, like wearing a different ring, are very powerful. I'm so glad it's helped you.

@CandidDifficulties I think you are getting more and more stressed the more you post and the more responses you are reading. This is not good for you in the short or long term. It will be having an increased detrimental effect on your family too.

Please get yourself some urgent counselling and an urgent GP appointment so you can talk to someone face to face. Writing here is good but no-one here knows you or can judge your facial expressions or see your body language.

Please also while you are like this do not contact her husband or anyone else

@CandidDifficultiesi am in a very similar situation to you, although I am a few years behind you so not in a position to give you any advice.

I found messages between my husband and an ex. Nudes, suggestive messages and, worst of all, plans to meet in a hotel for sex.

She lived in a different country and as far as I am aware they did not go through with this. She would have, she booked the flight. He apparently couldn’t do it.

I know it didn’t happen on the proposed date as he was at home with me. Whether or not it happened on another date - I’ll never know.

I found out in stages. At each stage I confronted him and she swore he hadn’t done anything. He swore on the kids lives they hadn’t exchanged photos. Then I found the photos and confronted him again. So he would admit to that but swear nothing else happened….and so on and so on.

At each stage I kept telling him he NEEDED to tell me the truth, or else I could never trust him again. At each stage he lied. Therefore, I will never know when we are at the full truth.

we are still together. These events happened in 2022, I found out in 2023.

We were not in a good place back then. I won’t go into details but for a lot of different reasons we hadn’t had sex for years. Our kids were young and we were in survival mode. This woman was very keen on him and he was flattered by the attention and “felt young again”. I can understand that, to be honest.

Sadly, I can see evidence that he carried on contacting her even after we got things back on track again. I find that much harder to forgive / understand.

we are 3 years down the line now and we used to fight about it every few months. The anger and resentment and hatred would build up inside ke
until I would just explode at him. Grill him, ask him
to explain again, ask him where he was on certain dates. He would cry and say he can’t keep going through this again and again.

We haven’t fought about it now for a while. Maybe 6 months. We get on well. But I think about it every day. Every single day. It makes me sick to think about how many hours I spend thinking about it.

I don’t know how to get over it. And I don’t think I ever will to be honest.

But, like you, I couldn’t blow my family apart for something that I had no concrete proof of. What did happen (the messages and the photos) were bad enough to destroy my trust and probably destroy my marriage….but it’s not enough to blow my kids lives apart over.

I am the cliched “woman who stayed for the kids”
and that makes me so angry.

My husband is what many people would describe as a “good man”. And he is. He’s a good dad, he’s kind and good at his job (caring profession). He’s even tempered and generous. Yet when I found out about this I searched through his phone and it was like a stranger. Photos / screenshots of women. One of them was a babysitter we used, in her early 20s. One was a waitress in a cafe we take the kids to a lot. Some were naked / half naked insta models etc. and of course the naked photos of the ex and smiley photos of her he’d screen grabbed from facebook. Also constant fb searches for other ex girlfriends.

i guess just normal, hot blooded male stuff.

But the one thing that wasn’t there? Me.

the photos of the babysitter etc were screen grabs from
their facebooks. They weren’t being provocative or half dressed. They were just young and pretty.

which I’m obviously not.

there were no screengrabs of me. No photos of me.

and it is so unbelievably hurtful and I just don’t know how to get over that.

I’ve lived with it less years than you have, so as I say, I can’t advise. Maybe it’s one of those things you can’t ever get over. I hope not.

@CandidDifficultiesfurther to my post above,

im now at a place where I feel I don’t want to find out for sure.

At the moment I survive by telling myself it was just photos / sexting / escapism
because we weren’t getting on. They didn’t meet for sex.

and that’s how I stay. And we have a lovely family life.

if I knew for sure they’d had sex it would destroy me.

I actually, genuinely don’t think he would do it again. I don’t think he’s that sexual, to put it bluntly. We have a good, regular sex life now and I think that’s enough for him. I really don’t think he would risk it again, especially as he doesn’t need to now.

it’s the fact it happened in the first place I can’t get over. And I think if I knew for sure it did go further than he has admitted to, I could
never be happy again.

financially, it would ruin us to split. We can’t afford two homes. The kids would have to move schools.

so I try to keep the past in the past and try to believe it didn’t go further. So I am not tempted to ask the woman or her husband. I also wouldn’t want to give her the satisfaction.

However, in bed at night, when we are both falling asleep, I often imagine him saying “I lied. We did have sex” or similar. And my heart pounds and I struggle to sleep.

I wish these men knew the damage they cause with their actions.

@Notquitethetruth thank you. I assure you I'm not getting more stressed, perhaps it seems that way bc I'm trying to reply to everyone who's posted as a mark of my appreciation. I will definitely seek out therapy for myself as a priority, but I'm actually feeling a lot calmer about everything overall as this process has been incredibly helpful in helping me see that it's not 'just me' IYSWIM. But I appreciate your good wishes

Your post resonates with me so much. Sadly our husbands aren’t ‘good men’. They present as good men. It is so unsettling to see their ‘other world’. Like you say, some of their behavior can be seen as just hot-bloodied male behavior, but much of it is so bloody sleazy.

I have been very firm with my husband. I don’t need him. I won’t change (I’m good enough). I will never fight for him. I am strong enough to carry on without him. Saying that, I am prepared to keep my marriage.

Good luck with your future. Stay strong x

Oh my goodness, I so get you - I think one of the things in my story that gets me most is I certainly didn’t get songs or poems written for/about me - and at that point I was dealing with a lot of life stresses- but someone else did- it just feels incredibly hurtful to the person (me) that was going flat out to facilitate their life and like you I don’t dare to think of the hours it occupied my thoughts in the dark hours

@Crikeyalmightyits horrible isn’t it.

it feels like something else she’s stealing from me, to be honest. My time, my peace, my sanity, control over my own thoughts.

So much damage. So many hours where my brain could be better occupied.

I haven’t read all the replies on here so I haven’t seen all your posts, but I will read back when I get a chance.

So sorry you’re been through similar as well.

Has he noticed that you don’t wear his ring? Has he said anything?

He probably has noticed, but I don’t think he would dare ask about it! He knows he wouldn’t like the reply!
For the last decade, my life has been so busy, that I have ignored quite obvious red-flags, now I feel very confident in who I am and while I would prefer not to end my marriage, I know I would be fine if I do. The removal of the rings, kind of symbolises this.

@Heysham1I actually did the exact same regarding the rings. I no longer wear my wedding and engagement rings. I bought myself a beautiful emerald ring (my birthstone) which I wear on my ring finger to remind me that to put myself first from now on.

And yes, I’m pretty certain he has noticed, but no he hasn’t said anything.

Can I ask what your husband did? Apologies if I’ve missed it.