Support thread for those dealing with intolerant or racist parents

[afishcalledpanda]

A welcoming thread to support those struggling with seeing their loved ones becoming angry and intolerant and hyperfocussed on racist or intolerant viewpoints. (Edit: I should have said "loved ones" in the thread title: it's not just parents who behave this way!!)

Following on from another thread, seems like a lot of us are in the same boat: seeing our parents changing to be completely different from the parents (or other loved ones) we once knew, turning toward racist or intolerant viewpoints, and/or insular and unhappy and over-focussed on negative news or views, to the point where having a chat on the phone or spending time with them can be incredibly difficult.

This thread is not for those who want to use this as an opportunity to spread their own propaganda, nor those who want to challenge or wind up those participating, or spread intolerant views of their own. Please feel free to go start your own thread if that's your agenda. Thank you!

To those who want to join: feel free to let off steam, post your coping strategies, chat away, ask questions or share resources or just random ramblings! :)

How about defining the terms. What exactly constitutes racism or intolerance? Genuine question.

@Anonyanonay given that you victim blamed the poster on the thread that gave rise to this one, and suggested her racist parents were 'right', I suggest it's clear this thread isn't for you.

I'd encourage others participating not to get derailed with bad faith posters.

was talking this morning with a friend whose mil has become very racist in the last 20 years. we both noticed how bitter these older racist parents are usually about a personal thing years back and nothing to do with immigration, a divorce etc. wondered if this is part of that? like a lightening rod. miserable people sometimes like things to hate.

My best friend has become quite right wing. I don’t recognise her

Also the casual racism is what I notice with my elderly relative.
"He was a coloured doctor, but excellent"
"He's a bit you know, a bit gay"
When I point out that you can't say these things, I get, " Well you will be old one day"

Seems to be rife at the moment, especially at work

yes I think you're right, it's a kind of outward projection or deflection of their own misery.

that's difficult. what do you think you will do about the friendship?

And ‘parents’ could be any age from 40 to 99!

Racism doesn't have an age limit, unfortunately.

"seeing our parents changing to be completely different from the parents (or other loved ones) we once knew, turning toward racist or intolerant viewpoints, and/or insular and unhappy and over-focussed on negative news or views"

I'm an older person and not like this at all and nor are my friends.

Who are these people and why are they like this?

My own elderly parents have become more racist & less tolerant since they retired. I don’t pander to it but I try not to argue with them. Sometimes it’s important to try to see things from their perspective.

They say they no longer recognise the working class Midlands towns in which they grew up, worked & have lived all their lives. Decades of mass immigration have changed these places to the point that they now ‘feel like a foreign country’ so the older generation no longer feel at home there. Rightly or wrongly, they also feel unsafe due to what they perceive as gangs of threatening, alien foreign men roaming the streets. They see groups of women with their faces covered in veils which create barriers to normal human communication. They see insular communities of ‘foreigners’ which don’t want to integrate.

My parents feel angry & alienated. They argue that nobody voted for any of this, which has been allowed to happen by elites who are out of touch with ordinary British people. I may disagree with them, but who am I to tell them that they are not entitled to their views?

I think with all the culture wars people have become emboldened. My elderly mum has always been a closet racist but not bright enough to realise it .

My MIL is like this, has retired and spends all day watching TV so incredibly insular. She first starting ranting about immigration several years ago but the last few years has become openly racist. She especially hates Filipinos as she claims a Filipino manager bullied her but it's reached the point where she won't allow the Filipino nurse at her GP practice to take her blood for tests. My FIL and BIL rarely say anything about her racist language or behaviour which emboldens her. She would never describe herself as racist, just an English woman scared for the future of her country but she is always negative about anyone she seems an immigrant which is funny as she is a white-passing mixed race daughter of an immigrant...

My DH does call her out every time so she usually avoids being openly racist in front of us. We minimise the time we spend with her as I don't want my children thinking her views, words and actions are acceptable.

but who am I to tell them that they are not entitled to their views?

is that the only response available for you? could you not talk about how we’re fucked without immigration? could you not talk about how throughout history peoples and places change. sometimes quick sometimes slow and how the right wing historically groom people for their own gain to the detriment of the working class. maybe watch some history with them? educate them!

They see insular communities of ‘foreigners’ which don’t want to integrate.

one brown person moves into a fully white street, racists move away, houses become available more brown people people move in. this is how it happens. it’s not that brown people have turned up and evicted entire street of white people. what have your parents done to aid integration or is it just on brown people to do that?

My parents are like this. Every time I see them they moan that the London that they grew up in has changed beyond belief. Apparently they had a walk round Borough market the other day and were horrified to find that all the council housing blocks surrounding the area, were now only populated by coloured people. They also constantly moan that as a result everywhere is covered in litter and apparently people don't know to queue politely anymore.
It is all very tiresome and upsetting.

I'm not defending your parents but if they are over 65/70 what is seen as racist now was not in their time . I'm not saying if they are blatantly racist but perhaps the odd word that no longer fits modern thoughts ?
Someone up thread mentioned the word coloured which of course we do not use now but back then it was much more acceptable and seen as ok .
Have you had conversations with them to tell them that those words are not used now ?

My elderly father has always been passionately anti racist, and he remains so. However, he commented recently that one of his oldest friends - who he originally bonded with over their shared political and social views - has recently become horribly racist.

He is bemused and saddened by it, as he is lonely and he doesn't have many friends left alive, but he no longer enjoys talking to the racist friend because of the racist views.

I really don't think said friend, who I have known my entire life, was racist before. So I presume that it must be the impact of some sort of cognitive decline?

It's very sad.

I disagree. Everyone alive now will have lived through decades of knowing what racism is and knowing that it's wrong.

Have you thought of explaining why they shouldn’t be using those terms? That may well be a better way to help them understand. Because telling someone they can’t say something just comes across as bossy.

You’re right, but that doesn’t seem to stop the ageism on this thread.

Sounds a bit like the claim that ‘immigrants’ are all rapists… we all know that’s nonsense too.

Fuck off!!! What on earth do you mean - ‘not in their time’?
Me, my siblings, most of my friends are over 65. We all knew that using derogatory term when talking about someone was *acceptable back when we were children. We’re not brain dead imbeciles with one foot in the grave! How would you explain the racism amongst young people nowadays?