Support thread for those dealing with intolerant or racist parents

[afishcalledpanda]

A welcoming thread to support those struggling with seeing their loved ones becoming angry and intolerant and hyperfocussed on racist or intolerant viewpoints. (Edit: I should have said "loved ones" in the thread title: it's not just parents who behave this way!!)

Following on from another thread, seems like a lot of us are in the same boat: seeing our parents changing to be completely different from the parents (or other loved ones) we once knew, turning toward racist or intolerant viewpoints, and/or insular and unhappy and over-focussed on negative news or views, to the point where having a chat on the phone or spending time with them can be incredibly difficult.

This thread is not for those who want to use this as an opportunity to spread their own propaganda, nor those who want to challenge or wind up those participating, or spread intolerant views of their own. Please feel free to go start your own thread if that's your agenda. Thank you!

To those who want to join: feel free to let off steam, post your coping strategies, chat away, ask questions or share resources or just random ramblings! :)

I will never understand racism. My MIL (88) has suddenly started to be racist for some mad reason. My SIL and I took her out for dinner with both our sons' partners. She announced, loudly, that there are a lot of 'black people' working with my BIL and they are "all lazy". WTF?

We were mortified. This from a woman who has been the brunt of anti Irish Catholic sectarianism her whole life!

I said to her "what would you think of someone spoke about Catholics like that?"

She did get embarrassed thankfully.

With my parents, it is very much not just their choice of words sadly. I wish it were because I could deal with that. It is deeply unpleasant and offensive attitudes and opinions that I can’t bring myself to repeat.

It runs through a lot of the older people in my family, though they would never dream of being racist to anyone's face.

My dad is also sexist and incredibly homophobic. He always has to pass a comment like "hardly any white players in this team" or "ooo, he seems like a nice boy..." as though we don't have eyes.

Anyone who dares to express concern about the number of illegal immigrants entering our country is labelled racist on here, when that is not the case. If the women and girls were being rescued from places such as Afghanistan I for one would welcome them with open arms, but it is mainly men. When will you understand that we cannot keep supporting thousands of these men whilst leaving our own to struggle (and foot the bill)?

It is not illegal to claim asylum.

Again, in the case of my parents it really isn’t just expressing concern about illegal immigration. It’s negative and unswerving judgement against anyone who isn’t white and who they don’t know personally. Oddly, they’re not negative about their (very lovely) next door neighbour or Mum’s non-white carers.

Your post smacks of ageism, as do many others on this post.

Sorry, but why on earth would you assume that, when people talk about their experience of dealing with people who are racist, they must be talking about people who express non-racist concerns about the overall level of immigration or certain types of immigration etc?

Are you trying to suggest that actual racism doesn't exist?

Are your friends with extremely right wing views racist and/or do they support racists? Racism goes beyond a politial opinion and defines the sort of person they are.

Of course your parents feel angry and alienated! Why do you disagree with them?

Who decides what words are acceptable though? When I was younger the term we used (to describe a black person) was coloured or half caste, and it was very racist to say black. At some point those words fell out of favour, and you were meant to say a person of colour or black. Who decides this stuff? And old people often don't get the memo, due to living ever smaller lives. It's not very fair to suddenly point and shout "racist" when they didn't even know the terminology changed.

I agree. Thousands and thousands of illegal immigrant men. And a PP said how they all contribute to the economy....erm, how?

OMG so many people derailing the thread for their own political agenda. You've all completely missed the point of the thread. So tedious and predictable.

I expect many of them have been distanced by their own family members due to questionable views and this thread stung.

Why on earth should I be embarrassed And there's no hostility in my post

How about a support thread for parents who's kids cant tolerate reasonable views ?

If you want to start a thread for racist parents whose kids are disgusted by them, then by all means, feel free. This is not the place.

They are like moths to a candle. They just can't stay away.

They are like moths to a candle. They just can't stay away.

imagine how much worse it is over at Nethuns rn!

seriously though Mumsnet was AWESOME 20 years ago. woke before woke was a word. rudely and unashamedly progressive and supportive.I was here from the beginning pretty much.

My DH has become more so as hes got older - if one can become "more"? Maybe its always been there and the veil has slipped and I notice it more now? Maybe he consumes too much media - hes 70 now, if thats relevant. I don't like him, its ugly. So intolerant. Im stuck with him.

I agree, it has gotten so much worse over the years.

Yes this feels familiar, I think as people's worlds shrink some people tend to consume more hateful content.

But you're not stuck with him, always remember that!

If you want to start a thread defending racists, go ahead.

Also it's "whose".

#spellcheckaracist

You're not really stuck with him. It's not a prison.

I think listen and try to understand, and deploy the “let them” strategy. For me though there’s a big difference between parents in their 80s and parents in their 60s. I’d have a lot more trouble accepting less tolerant views from younger people, but people who grew up in the 1940s really did experience a different world and attitudes.

Thank you for making the thread.
my parents are an ethnic minority, recently emigrated to the UK not once but twice, and are still somehow intolerant DM readers, complaining about people on the boats. They are ashamed of 3/4 of their own ethnicity and promote the 1/4 side of it. They say intolerant things about Asians (being Asian themselves), Muslims, gay people. They told me once if I was gay then I’d be chucked out. I don’t understand their prejudices. They have some success in life but have always been the type to pull up the ladder behind them as well as be jealous of others who have more.

It’s deeply depressing. I manage it by keeping any chat with them very superficial and using DH, who is white British, as a human shield as they are less likely to say intolerant things when he’s in the room.