I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

Yeah coz it's not true, it's more than that.

There seems to be a huge amount of jumping to conclusions here

On Mumsnet? Never!

What’s with the pointless derailing over semantics? This poster was simply saying the tactic of pretending to be a sexy lady online to entrap the idiot husband won’t necessarily work as men are used to getting scammy messages offering sexualised pics and interactions for money. If that’s not ‘prostitution’ it’s definitely prostitution adjacent behaviour!

Even if this is true he knows their messages are intimate and inappropriate or he wouldn’t have deleted them. His reaction to being caught out means you can’t trust him as he’s shown himself able to lie and gaslight you to get out of the consequences of his poor decisions. It might be what he is saying now, and it might not be. But you can’t trust him now and that is what has ruined your relationship. If he wants to rectify it he’s going to have to reinstate the messages or find another way to prove what he is saying is true because you can no longer trust his word.

Because @shuggles is a man who wades in such issues giving his “I am a man perspective and speak on behalf of all men” and it’s daft.

And he seems to think women sending his lewd messages are prostitutes…. That is odd and well a bit disconcerting that he thinks that

To be fair social media and dating apps have tons of sex workers on them now. Dating apps are a big one for advertising, it's a common complaint now.

OP I think you’ve seen enough to know what’s going on here is deeply inappropriate.

Don’t let him make you doubt what you saw.

The more time passes and the more he protests his innocence the more likely you will try to override the feelings of that moment, when you caught him in the act, the instinctive knowledge that his face and demeanour had betrayed him and told you exactly what he was trying to hide from you.

I don’t know if you’ll ever get to see those messages now but his behaviour since then has not been of someone desperate to convince you of his innocence. I don’t know how I would behave in his shoes as I’m not a cheat, but I do know that I couldn’t blatantly lie to DP’s face if he asked me who I’d been chatting to.

Would I fudge the exact details of a chat that might make him feel bad if he read it? Maybe.

But would I then turn that around onto him and be angry at him for asking? Absolutely not, because I’m not a cunt. Someone who’s been caught being overly familiar should be contrite and begging for forgiveness, not gaslighting you into feeling like you’re at fault.

Sounds like woman at work has helped him come up with thst crap excuse. What a load if BS!!

He thinks that because it’s likely true. He knows these are not regular women looking to connect on an equal basis with potential boyfriends, they’re either women or men, using highly sexualised photos of women to lure men into spending money. The transaction of sex for money is the very basis of prostitution so why is this so far removed? Seeing that connection isn’t disconcerting.

If they're doing it over Teams then they aren't particularly smart because IT can easily see their messages if they wanted. So anyone who conducts an affair over Teams deserves everything that's coming. Utter planks.

However, I lock my laptop and minimise messages even though I live on my own, I'm not doing anything untoward.

Nah he is cheating and he is trying to minimise that she is just a "friend / confidante" If he was innocent then he wouldnt have panicked and deleted messages. He only deleted them because he has something to hide. I am sorry but i think you need to see a solicitor / get yourself tested at a Gum clinic.

I don’t regard women sending men on dating apps lewd messages as prostitutes

If it hadn’t have come from this particular poster, I’d have not commented.

But i get a very sketchy feeling from this particular man on Mumsnet hence mentioning

You must be in shock. But your instincts are still completely right. I doubt they spent much time discussing your gynae issues. The pair of them had 24 hours and came up with a plan- what could they have been talking about that might upset you but isn't actually what they are up to? Bingo- your gynae issues. Like you are a fucking idiot. I'd be even crosser that he thought you were that stupid. I send all the strength OP.

My DH’s teams is linked to his work iPad, just saying. Does your DH have anything like that OP? It seems fairly common, it’s how I caught my first husband in his affair with my friend. Might be worth a look. It will be interesting to see who he is messaging and what whilst he’s away.

Might just be a “work wife” scenario and he got embarrassed, doubt he would be able to do anything explicit on teams in a work environment.

He’s lying and more will come out.

Do not falter at these lies OP and keep repeating you need to log of messages to see for yourself.

Look at how quickly it’s gone from nothing to months of messages. This is what people do when they get caught having an affair (or attempting to). They slowly throw you fritters of information until you believe you have the truth.

He's told you several different stories, now. I'd be really hurt at the lack of disrespect and at thinking you're stupid enough to fall for those stories. He is literally saying what he thinks you will believe by giving no credit to your own intelligence. He does not think very much of you at all, if he's going to compulsively lie like this.

Are you able to speak with his parents? Friends and family? Tell him you do not want to hear anymore stories. Give him an ultimatum- Show you the Teams chat, or divorce.

OP, you know what's going on here. You deserve better

Until he can acknowledge that lines have been crossed there is nothing else to say really

It’s an emotional affair if nothing else. Fact is that you can’t trust him anymore,

Good point. Why would messages like this need deleting, ask him!

An inappropriate emotional attachment ... not 'pally'. He had no business discussing your personal gynae surgery with her ... he knows it's inappropriate hence the wild scramble to delete it all, lie about who he was talking to (pretending it was a male friend), and stonewalling you until you told him to go. Now he's trying to claw it back because he's about to be homeless and on his own. But rather than be honest and show you the messages, he's hoping you'll believe his bullshit 'we're just pals' sob story. Without proving it.

‘Work wife’ is grim.

Absolutely grim.

This is even worse. He shouldn’t be discussing any of your health issues full stop. Together with him deleting the messages because he thought they might have been misconstrued, I’d hazard a guess that he’s said that your live life is lacking blah blah blah.
He’s a rat. End of.