Has anyone split up when child very young due to no time and resentments?

[unfixable]

Really could do with some perspectives and advice on my situation.

Me and partner have one child together who’s almost 1. I’m early 40s him late 40s. He works a lot, basically 8am-7pm 6 days a week, in a physical job. I’m a SAHM.

Motherhood has hit me harder than I expected, baby is quite high needs and I’m tired a lot of the time as because of his work hours I do everything with baby, house, admin, mental load, everything. I’m also studying part time which takes 12 hours a week.

I honestly don’t mind doing everything whilst I’m a SAHM but there is some resentment there because he is working such long hours to save because he wants us to move abroad in a few years. Move is driven by him not me, and if he didn’t want to move so much he could do 5 days rather than 6.

The problem is with us having no time together at all. We’ve zero family support so I asked him to take our daughter for half of his day off each week so I can do my hobby. I also take the baby to see my family and between all that and housework etc we have zero family time like trips out with daughter together. No babysitters so zero time together. He does his hobby some evenings which I don’t resent at all, but between his hours, everything I need to do, my studying, and both of our down time, theres no time as a couple or family. We increasingly seem to hate each other and can’t see each other’s point of view at all - I don’t see how he wants to move abroad so much that he chose to work 6 days a week, he seems to think it’s ‘easy’ for me being at home and doesn’t understand why I need time ‘off’ to do my hobby rather than all spend time together on his one day off. He has no holidays either, self employed.

Only way I can see it improving is when daughter starts nursery or if I give up my hobby which I really don’t want to do. We are both tired because of our ages maybe, I don’t see us lasting until she’s at nursery.

What hours did he work before the baby? Is he just avoiding parenting?

It’s common to have a bad patch when the kid(s) are really young. We came close to splitting up when my eldest was about that age. Looking back it was a combination of exhaustion, the huge change to our lives that we weren’t really prepared for, neither of us having the energy/mental bandwidth to see where the other was struggling, and resentments just building up.

We stuck with it, found ways to reconnect, and things got better between us but of course I know they don’t for everybody.

So maybe don’t rush anything but instead think about how you can make this easier on both of you, whether that’s putting baby into nursery, getting a cleaner or whatever.

On a separate note - moving abroad with a kid if you’re not a thousand percent committed to the idea is a terrible plan, don’t find yourself pushed into that if it’s not what you want! Depending on the country you could find yourself trapped there as you wouldn’t be able to leave with your child.

We have no spare money to put baby in nursery or get a cleaner, at least none he will spare.

It’d probably be ok if I gave up my hobby cause it does take up half of his one day off a week. Then we could spend family time together. I really don’t want to do that though.

I keep thinking maybe it’s me, maybe other women cope better, it’s only one baby I have! But I’m exhausted. I can’t drive and life is just a constant round of housework and feeding changing chasing after baby, I’m perimenopause as well I think. I also want to see my older adult children. Feels like I have no energy for couple time or family time.

Is there any way to pause or reduce your hobby for now so that you get some time to rest or family time? Or is it not that kind of hobby, so if you step back a little you’d have to stop totally? Or do you feel like overall you benefit from the hobby?

@PoloThePolarBear Yes I have thought about that. I cannot easily return to my career in the country we’d be moving to, would need to get my degree translated and pass an exam in the language. I’ve told him I’d want a document signed stating I can return with our child. It’s a non negotiable for him though to go, he has his heart set on it.

@PoloThePolarBear Hobby is something which cannot be paused for more than say 1 month or would have to be given up for good, and needs time commitment every week. Cannot be done with baby or young child in tow really

When does anything you want get considered?

He wants to move, he wants to work 6 days a week, he doesn’t want to pay for nursery.

You’re now considering giving up your one hobby and half day of free time a week for him because HE wants to spend family time together??

Tell him to bloody well give up his hobby and be home earlier a few nights a week so you can rest and do things for yourself!!

You have a full time job too and yours is 24/7

I think you need to tell him that the current set up is not working for you.

So either he frees up money to lighten your load e.g. cleaner, nursery; (maybe you could go back to work part time?) and the country move is delayed…. or the relationship will break and he will be moving country without you or your DC.

He needs to decide what is more important, then go from there.

You're not married and you are considering moving abroad with him to a country where finding work will be very difficult for you. That puts you in a terrible position, you will be entirely dependant on his goodwill for everything, including trips back to see your adult DC. I'm not sure that him signing something would be enough to protect you, if he wanted to prevent you from returning to the UK with your baby. That's very much country-dependent, and you should check that out very carefully indeed. What might be enforceable in a British court wouldn't necessarily be in ,say, Dubai. And he is not going to be any more reasonable or supportive in another country, you'll just be more isolated.
I think you'd do better to go back to work here, so that at least you know you can support yourself and your baby should this relationship fall apart.

Yeah we are at complete loggerheads.

He sees that working six days a week with no holidays, is working ‘for us’. I see it as him wanting to move abroad.

I don’t want to move but said I’d consider it because it’s what he really wants and we’ve been together a long time. He’s tired at his age working so much and yes he does take the baby so I can do my hobby, but it means we have zero family time (I also take baby to see my adult daughter some days when it’s DP day off cause it’s the only time she has too).

I see what he means aboyt no family time and couple time, but he doesn’t care that I’m also exhausted and resenting him working such long hours for something only HE wants.

Cannot see a way forward. Even if we get time some evenings when baby in bed, we are both tired and due to resentment I don’t really want to spend it with him anymore.

DO NOT give up your hobby.

You really need to go back to work, unless childcare would be completely unaffordable. It's fine to be a SAHM but only if your partner recognises and respects your contribution. It doesn't sound as though yours does, or as though he's interested in what you want at all.

@DelphiniumBlue It’s somewhere where that kind of document can be signed, I’ve checked. I cannot easily work there at all though, which he doesn’t seem to care about. If relationship falls apart (well more than it is already!) I can support myself and baby in this country, by returning to work, but cannot there

I don’t know of any country where a piece of paper signed years before would overrule their local laws around child custody and would be very wary of the relevant rules changing even if it would work now. Since overall the relationship isn’t great I think it would be an insane risk to move somewhere you don’t even want to be, can’t work, will be dependant on him

And I understand about the hobby, if it’s something important to you that can’t be paused and picked back up (or not at the same level) then it does need to be a priority.

You need to find a time to talk to him properly.

The current setup is not working for you, and does not seem to be working for him either. So what does he want to do? Make changes to his working patterns even if that delays any move abroad? Spend money on some help? Or split up?

If his job is a physical one is he also self employed? May make things difficult financially if you do split.

I think if you don’t want to move abroad you should tell him now. What does he think would happen if you split, does he not plan to see the baby, he would have to make himself available for that.

If I returned to work now, I’d be even more exhausted though, surely? Commute long with baby, he would still insist on working 6 days a week and everything else would still be left to me!.

Move abroad won’t be for another 5 or 6 years anyway.

I’m considering leaving and renting nearby with baby, living off savings for a year or so til hopefully she’s easier to handle, and then going back to work. Binning off the relationship and the pressure that comes with it. I’m so sad because I love him and we were together a very long time pre baby. Baby was my idea, although he loves her very much, but baby being my idea gets thrown in my face a lot.

so he sees the baby as something he has graciously allowed you to have to shut you up so therefore it's entirely your responsibly

and you're not married

and he wants you to move abroad

i can understand why you're so pissed off

@PoloThePolarBear Thank you, it does seem like those are the three possible options. I think he just wants what he wants, everything to be fine and to go his way. To be fair to him he is willing to work to get it and is mostly willing to help with baby. However because of his crazy hours, my hobby, me wanting to see my adult child too, and all the demands of household and baby falling on me, our relationship and family time has basically disintegrated.

Don’t worry the move won’t be for another 5 years at least and I wouldn’t go without a signed document being valid we’d be getting it at the time, because I know that I’d be in a very precarious position there regarding custody. We’d also need to marry for me to get into the country I think!

You know, I’m just going to comment that you referred to him “helping” with the baby as proof that he’s basically a good guy. He’s a parent. Of course he should be parenting. Being “mostly willing to help” is absolutely the bare minimum of what he should be doing, and if you’re seeing that as a point in his favour then it feels like he’s done a number on you!

It’s telling that you would rather do your hobby and spend time with your adult children than spend time with him.

Does the relationship feel dead in the water? Or do you think if he knew how unhappy you are that it could be a wake up call for him?

The simplest solution is you get a job, he goes back to 5 days. 1 family day together, 1 split to do your own things. Will you not need to get a job anyway if you split?

@JLou08 He couldn’t go back to 5 days without getting another job. He’s a contractor and he chose the 6 days longer hours contract against my warning that we’d have no family or couple time if he did this.

Yes if we split I’d need to go back to work full time eventually but I would probably move into a flat my family owns (much smaller than our house) and use savings so as not to have to go bsck full time yet. That’s where I think maybe I’m being pathetic about this, or alternatively have PND or something, but I couldn’t work full time right now and do every single thing in household and with baby myself as a single parent. DD is really a handful and I’d have a breakdown trying to do what I do now and work full time, honestly.

Yes I’ve thought often recently that it’s telling I’d rather spend time without him. It’s sad but I resent him for not listening to me and just going full steam ahead with his plans to eventually move and getting angry at me and trying to emotionally blackmail me into it. Don’t even know if I want to save things.

@PoloThePolarBear I know! I meant that he does willingly take her and parent although he’s exhausted, but then expects that because of that I’m now ‘rested’ and up for couple time, or expects me to drop my hobby for family days out, when I’m sat there thinking ‘It’s YOU who chose to do 6 days, if not we’d have time for both!’

I found going back to work a stressful full time job a blessed relief from the mindless monotony of full time caring for a small baby - using my mind, adult conversation etc.

Also, why would the housework and childcare around this option fall solely to you??

Sounds like you’re just with a total douche who is selfish and uncaring

Ah I see - he thinks if he has the baby for a couple of hours everything is fine and you should be fully rested, and raring to go in the bedroom!

He’s made a silly and selfish choice to work for 6 days. Only you can decide whether it’s worth giving him a chance to salvage things.

If your family owns a flat, is that empty right now? I mean could you tell him that it’s not working and you’re considering moving out and see what he says?

Yes I could move out now. Although I’d need to start eating into my savings for living costs for me and baby.

We keep going round in circles, he does say he wants things to be better between us, but he will absolutely not budge on the 6 days work or future move. Then when he suggests family time on his one day off a week (no holidays either) or staying up late together with a takeaway on the night before his one day off, but I then say I can’t do either really because he agreed to watch DD cause it’s my hobby day, then he starts arguing with me, shouting about how he does blah blah blah I have it easy… then I say no I’m looking after OUR child 24/7 so you can pursue YOUR wanting to move and she’s hard and I need a break, not a late night and having to sleep tomorrow whilst you take her or go places with you both and miss my hobby.

It just goes round and round…

I suggested we put DD in nursery a half day a week if can get one (40 pound a week) then could do hobby then. That was a hard no, unless I want to fund it.

You wouldn't be doing what you're doing now. Someone else would be looking after your child whilst you work. Being a SAHP isn't for everyone, some people feel much better having a break from their child by going to work. Undisturbed lunch breaks, working with rational adults instead of caring for children who scream and demand, having goals away from the home, socialising, feeling a sense of accomplishment when a tasks done well. I'm not saying being a working parent isn't hard but when we're talking about children under 4 it's often easier than being a SAHP.