Has anyone split up when child very young due to no time and resentments?

[unfixable]

Really could do with some perspectives and advice on my situation.

Me and partner have one child together who’s almost 1. I’m early 40s him late 40s. He works a lot, basically 8am-7pm 6 days a week, in a physical job. I’m a SAHM.

Motherhood has hit me harder than I expected, baby is quite high needs and I’m tired a lot of the time as because of his work hours I do everything with baby, house, admin, mental load, everything. I’m also studying part time which takes 12 hours a week.

I honestly don’t mind doing everything whilst I’m a SAHM but there is some resentment there because he is working such long hours to save because he wants us to move abroad in a few years. Move is driven by him not me, and if he didn’t want to move so much he could do 5 days rather than 6.

The problem is with us having no time together at all. We’ve zero family support so I asked him to take our daughter for half of his day off each week so I can do my hobby. I also take the baby to see my family and between all that and housework etc we have zero family time like trips out with daughter together. No babysitters so zero time together. He does his hobby some evenings which I don’t resent at all, but between his hours, everything I need to do, my studying, and both of our down time, theres no time as a couple or family. We increasingly seem to hate each other and can’t see each other’s point of view at all - I don’t see how he wants to move abroad so much that he chose to work 6 days a week, he seems to think it’s ‘easy’ for me being at home and doesn’t understand why I need time ‘off’ to do my hobby rather than all spend time together on his one day off. He has no holidays either, self employed.

Only way I can see it improving is when daughter starts nursery or if I give up my hobby which I really don’t want to do. We are both tired because of our ages maybe, I don’t see us lasting until she’s at nursery.

Really? Maybe you could be right. I just look at the long commute with childcare drop off and pick up on buses cause I can’t drive (medically), and all the housework and cooking etc still to be done at 6pm and think… how? But something to consider thank you

Where does he want to move to? Do you speak the language, have friends there? Does he have connections to the country? Is there anything in it for you? If he’s dead set on doing this and it really won’t work for you, then maybe better to part ways now. This sounds like something that really needs to be a shared dream. Reading between the lines I wonder if he saw a child as something you wanted, and thinks moving country is his turn to fulfil his want. Unfortunately life just doesn’t really work like that.

Are you happy to move away from the rest of your family?

Why would you move to another country with him, I’m struggling to see any good points in him

Assume you aren’t married

@CeramicRoses It’s an EU country and he holds an EU passport because he was born in ROI. No, neither of us speak the language or have connections with the country. He has been on holidays. We’d be living in an area with 30% expats and schools which accommodate children emigrating. His work is transferable and doesn’t require him to sit a language exam, whereas mine is not and I’d have to jump through a lot of hoops to move my previous career there. I would also miss my family yes, although there are cheap flights back every day.

It really bothers me that he did not consider that I had no desire to move. I mean I am not completely against if the relationship was better. I wasn’t considered, my adult dc, even our baby and her settling into school at age 6 or so. Just bulldozed over because it’s what he really wants.

Yes I think he did see child as something I wanted and he ‘gave’, although he does absolutely adore her. So when I give the reason of DD being so full on as to why I need his extremely limited time off to be him watching her whilst I get a break, rather than family time or couple time, he bites back “well it’s what you wanted!”

He's been there on holidays and neither of you speak the language? It's really not getting any better 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Theeyeballsinthesky I never said I think it’s a good idea! I eventually told him I’d consider it, and I don’t think it’s completely insurmountable. However the relationship is so bad I don’t see a way forward anyway.

OP, I could have written some of your post when I was in my first year with a newborn and I was on maternity and long service leave. It was hard. Fussy, highly sensitive baby. No family support. I truly struggled so much and we talked about separating three times in that first year. We didn’t have therapy. We somehow got through it and now our DC is 4. I think I may have had undiagnosed PND during the first year.

DC has been going to daycare for a long time. I’m back at work full time too. Life is very different and not heavy.

I really think if it is possible to look at a nursery placement one or two days a week, try this. It gives some balance of time back. All the best, OP.

OP elements of your story remind me of mine very much. We had been together for several years, not married and had a child in our 40s. After our baby was born and he went back to work (runs his own business) his work hours extended beyond what they had ever been. I was fed the same story- he was doing it for ‘us and our future’. I supported myself financially on my maternity leave despite only receiving statutory pay. We were tired and started bickering and after a rough patch caused mainly by having a baby and also a difference of opinions as to how much involvement in our life his parents should have, I discovered he was secretly checking what (of his money) I would be entitled to if we broke up. The masked completely slipped after we broke up and he turned out to be a really nasty individual which I swear was completely hidden before.
Unless you have a legal ‘leg to stand on’ im the event of a break up, his money is his so watch way he does and not what he says. If it’s your joint money you should absolutely have access to it and be able to use some of it for a cleaner if that would help you or nursery so you can can free up some of time to get back on your feet. I am sorry to say but it sounds like he is planning his own future whilst he has free childcare and you are tagging along. Imagine a worst case scenario (i.e. you breaking up when living abroad) and think what would happen to you and your baby think what you could and couldn’t do there and if you could protect yourself beforehand. Dont sleepwalk into your future as they say on here

Please don't give up your job, you are going to need it

If you're not on Mat Leave and don't have a job to go back to, why would it be a long commute?

Either find work near where you live or move to where you can work. Alternatively set up as self employed and do cleaning or dog walking and get your child into nursery.

I would stay as you are until you have finished studying and then leave, he won’t help whatever your circumstances and he will also move abroad without a backward glance. Use this time to further your prospects

Time for a simple ultimatum.

He needs to choose either his family or his move abroad. He can't have both.

Moving abroad is hard at the best of times but it's madness to seriously consider it when there are so many problems and resentments in the relationship. You need to be making decisions that are best for yourself OP.

I should have added @unfixable that your DP does not sound like a team player and you have my sympathy for that.

I really think going to work is the best answer. DP will have to pay 50% nursery and 50% evening and weekend parenting.

There would be less cooking and cleaning. Your child would be fed at nursery and they'd be cleaning up after her during the day. A lot of nurseries provide 3 meals a day. You could be dropping her off soon after she wakes, picking her up then going home for a little bit of quality time and the bed time routine. You'd be getting out of some of the most stressful and messy times of the day.

i think you need to make time to speak to each other about your different needs and come to a compromise. From what you say, you either need to find a compromise or split up. He needs to know how unhappy you are and that his dream of life abroad is not going to happen if you don’t feel secure and happy in the relationship., so it needs work

you are both older in having a child and I suspect it is harder for you to adapt. Most parents don’t have time to themselves for down time or any hobbies. I found this even with family support. Most make new hobbies that involve your dc- walking, swimming etc.

if you do split who would be the primary carer? Would he agree to have dc at all? My ex only had our dc sporadically so I only had time to clean and catch up on things but not much time to plan for myself

Look for a more local part time job - try something different just to get out of the house. Even if it costs all your wages in childcare it will benefit your mental health.
I do note that you want to see your adult daughter but you only do this on his 1 day off. Why can’t she visit you in the evening or come to yours on her only day she can visit.

Sounds like a miserable relationship. Please don't let your daughter grow up feeling like she's a source of resentment - I'd definitely leave and think about going back to work, even if it's part time. There are plenty of single parents who work and/or claim benefits to top up their income. I'm not sure how much he'd see her, though, which is sad, but you can't force him to parent.

He's a selfish POS

His dream is the move abroad and he expects you to follow him without a murmur. He Tarzan you Jane! He doesn’t care about your feelings, prospects or even being a present father he wants to brow beat you until you agree. If you are unhappy now you won’t be happy in moving abroad, not knowing anyone, your career prospects worsen and not seeing your adult daughter. You have a man who is only interested in himself, not you or your child. I suggested earlier that I’d carry on until finishing my degree, let him cushion you believing you are starting to come round to the idea, start squirrelling money away and then leave. Use him like he is you because he only wants you to go with him because he is scared to go alone and once he gets comfortable he will replace you with a starry eyed trophy gf who wants a lavish lifestyle.

If you have savings that could fund your living costs, they can fund buying in help for you to work and look after a baby. Cooking is negotiable- you can buy in healthy balanced meals - and if I were skint my cleaner would be the very last luxury I gave up. And not having a deadweight ‘partner’ round your neck will lighten the load.

@Velvian Where I live and the fact I can't drive (due to medical reasons), it means everywhere I could work in my field is at least 1 hour commute. Likely more if having to do drop of and pick up at childcare.
Haha at DP paying 50% of childcare or doing 50% in the evenings. No way would he do either. I think that's why I find it so daunting the thought of going back to work, because I don't think it would make my situation any better, just worse. Ultimately though, I know I'll have to go back to work if we split anyway but maybe that will be physically more exhausting but mentally better because the resentment right now is eating me up.

If we split, I would definitely be the primary carer, because his dream of moving will likely not happen unless he works a lot of hours. He would see her though probably I can imagine (annoyingly for me) frequent short stints in the evenings and maybe half his day off, like he does just now. My problem isn't that he does not pull his weight in regards taking care of her proportionate to his working hours, my issue is that his working hours mean that any time he is free and takes DD off my hands I need the break and so go do my hobby, but his hours leave no time for family time and little for the relationship, and ultimately he is doing this all for himself and what he wants and I've just to facilitate it.

We've majorly fallen out again today, and will likely be splitting I think.

Maybe I am selfish for wanting to continue my hobby at the expense of family time, and resenting his hours (I wouldn't resent so much if it was for bills etc not some dream I don't really want). I do find motherhood exhausting, although I love DD and I do not resent her at all. I just curl up at the end of the days exhausted with nothing left to give, and he doesn't care and cannot understand that (or doesn't want to) and thinks because he 'gave' me a baby I should be grateful. What a mess.

Having a baby and curling up at the end of the day with nothing left to give is normal @unfixable but he is fixated on his own future life and always will be unavailable. He sounds horrendous and you have my sympathy.

Are you currently on Mat leave?