Has anyone split up when child very young due to no time and resentments?

[unfixable]

Really could do with some perspectives and advice on my situation.

Me and partner have one child together who’s almost 1. I’m early 40s him late 40s. He works a lot, basically 8am-7pm 6 days a week, in a physical job. I’m a SAHM.

Motherhood has hit me harder than I expected, baby is quite high needs and I’m tired a lot of the time as because of his work hours I do everything with baby, house, admin, mental load, everything. I’m also studying part time which takes 12 hours a week.

I honestly don’t mind doing everything whilst I’m a SAHM but there is some resentment there because he is working such long hours to save because he wants us to move abroad in a few years. Move is driven by him not me, and if he didn’t want to move so much he could do 5 days rather than 6.

The problem is with us having no time together at all. We’ve zero family support so I asked him to take our daughter for half of his day off each week so I can do my hobby. I also take the baby to see my family and between all that and housework etc we have zero family time like trips out with daughter together. No babysitters so zero time together. He does his hobby some evenings which I don’t resent at all, but between his hours, everything I need to do, my studying, and both of our down time, theres no time as a couple or family. We increasingly seem to hate each other and can’t see each other’s point of view at all - I don’t see how he wants to move abroad so much that he chose to work 6 days a week, he seems to think it’s ‘easy’ for me being at home and doesn’t understand why I need time ‘off’ to do my hobby rather than all spend time together on his one day off. He has no holidays either, self employed.

Only way I can see it improving is when daughter starts nursery or if I give up my hobby which I really don’t want to do. We are both tired because of our ages maybe, I don’t see us lasting until she’s at nursery.

Even on his day off he is focused on what he wants to do, your needs are treated as always as a source of conflict to his. He is a very selfish self absorbed person who steamrolls over people using every manipulation trick he has in his arsenal to bend you to his will. He outright rejects and deflects anything that is in his eyes goes against his own wishes. He says outrageous things to make you feel guilty like you would make your baby hate you for denying her being with her father! Let’s break that claim down, whether you are in the U.K. or abroad she won’t know him because he will be at work all the time. You agreed many years ago to moving abroad with him, that was way before you realised that following his dream meant giving up any hopes of you being happy! You asked him to take a day off from work to spend time with his baby, well if he has to take a day off then he wants to make damn sure you pay for the inconvenience to him by arguing that you having time to do something you want/need to do is selfish. You should be taking care of baby and visiting his family with him. He resents people daring to voice anything that doesn’t fit in to his goal because he wants someone to smooth the way forwards in life. He doesn’t want to move abroad without you because he’s scared to do it alone, once he is acclimatised and relishing the move he can ditch you because you are getting on his nerves banging on about not being happy and spoiling his dream.
You have your adult children, a baby and other family members and friends nearby, you are already being dismissed and devalued by him and you know that following his dream will impact your life negatively and make it worse. You’re already a single parent and you need to do what is right for you, your family and your career and leave that soul sucker.

OP I don’t this is about no time and resentments. I think this is down to your whole life being moulded to fit around him and his wants. You never sat down and discussed whether you wanted to go abroad to live. It was what HE wanted. I really, really wouldn’t go if I were you. You’ll be isolated from family and friends and you’ll still be an appliance in his life not a person.

But your current life is dictated by him working towards that and never having time for family life. He’s chosen that though. No one has held a gun to his head. He doesn’t need to work like that. He prefers it to family life. If he didn’t he wouldn’t do it. He won’t even fund a nursery place for you to do your hobby which would enable more family time. For me that’s telling.

He genuinely doesn’t think you’re worthy of consideration in any way. Your hobby isn’t important despite being your sole social outlet, you should just want sex on demand, you shouldn’t even have any say where you live. All these things together show to me that he doesn’t have any respect for you. That isn’t going to change.

It’s not healthy to live with someone who cares so little for you and makes your life all about him. The worst thing you can do for yourself is make your life very small. It’s just not healthy.

He is very controlling @unfixable you are correct he is working towards buying a house abroad for himself and gets defensive and deflects everything onto you because he is incapable and unwilling to take anyone’s feelings/needs into account. It’s his way or the highway because he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He’s a deeply driven selfish man who goes through life stepping on everyone to achieve his goal.

This with bells on!

@unfixable you do both sound very selfish and set in your ways.
Both want what you want without compromise basically.
What worked for you as a couple without small children to consider has fundamentally changed.
I think as you wanted the baby pausing the hobby should be the first compromise as you are also choosing to study during the week. That will free up the family day.
As your DP is stuck with his 6 day contract and presumably funds the household you're stuck with that until the contract ends and/or you return to work.
The abroad thing isn't the key thing at the moment. You need to deal with the rest of it or take your other alternative.

You need to go back to work. How far are family away that you visit but they cannot help day to day? Whose choice was it t move away? There is a lot of negativity to the suggestions on here but it does not feel as if you have actually explored options. Many hospitals have links to local nurseries for example, would Access to Work fund or part fund transport? What is this hobby that can only be done at a specific time and with regularity or not at all? Your h sounds selfish and controlling, would you even get a visa to move abroad as his dependant? Tbh I think you need to plan a future without him being there, he can move abroad alone.

Can your adult DD do the hobby with you?
Can she come over to visit, or you her, during the week when DH is at his hobby.

Meet up with other Mums during the week sometimes and enjoy the adult company.

Try to have only your hobby and famlly time to fit into DH's day off.

He’s self employed. Choosing to work 6 days a week to fund his dream of moving abroad.

Don't have much time right now but

@LIZS I do fear that could be true, that it could be both of us selfish and set in our ways. To answer your questions though -

No family who are able to help us in any way with DD. By us visiting family I meant our elderly parents since we had DD later in life they cannot help. Also my adult daughter but she is working and studying herself and rarely has time to help.

We didn't 'move away'. We've always lived where we live now before we were together. It's about 10 miles radius from hospitals I could work, but obviously on public transport that is more like an hour commute than the 20 minutes it would take by car.

Access to work I could look into but only if we split up as far as I'm aware. DP earns too much for us to get any benefits and I thought that's what access to work was for. I can pay my own travel I'm just saying it's not an easy or fast commute and would add time to my day of endless chores and childcaring needing done after I finished work. I appreciate I will have to go back to work if we split, right now I am thinking the extra stress might be worth it rather than relationship stress.

Hobby is a bit outing but it requires commitment upkeep of 2-5 hours a week or you have to give it up, think animals.

Yes he is self employed and I actually put a lot of equity into this house. He only actually has to work 4-5 days for a comfortable life here, he chooses to do 6 days and take no holidays because he wants to buy a house abroad and work less hours after moving there in around 6 years from now.

Yes I think we would need to marry in order for me to be able to freely work there. Which the thought of that is scary at the moment.

Access to Work is not means tested. https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work but if you can use public transport it may not apply for commuting costs. If you separated could you and dc move closer to where the work is based. How do you access your hobby if you cannot drive, does that add to the time you need to spend out of the home. If he can do his presumably facilitated by you doing “childcare” in evenings, you can do yours likewise.

moving abroad and making yourself even more vulnerable is insane. You could lose your child.

You can end the madness of saving to move abroad now by telling him it is never going to happen. You and your child will not be moving.

You wouldn't be paying all the childcare costs yourself though.. wherher you went back to work now or if you split..
He would be paying CMS as she is also his child..
Whether he thinks she exists just because he let you havd a baby or not is irrelevant..
I too would suggest going back to work even if part time... Can be an absolute life saver with high needs babies....and toddlers can be exhausting in different ways..so having a break from that is also a good idea..
I don't understand why he gets to say you would have to pay for any childcare even now .. she is a joint enterprise! Sounds very controlling...but also part of the dynamic of the baby being yours... Not ours or his as well

As for going overseas...kick that in to touch at the moment not going to happen... Why would you go when he won't even discuss things with you .

It is hard when you're in the trenches and knackered but being knackered is normal his attitude is not.... don't give up your hobby..

I shouldn’t think you’ll have any more time to yourself as a lone parent. Might be better to have a full discussion with your DH. Young kids do change your life.

As a single mum I think your life might be a lot easier without him in it...and you might find your DD is less fussy because atm she'll be picking up on the tension and expressing that in the only way she can.

It doesn't sound like there is any give in what your DP wants, he expects you to do all the giving...and that's not sustainable.

I think you suggest a trial separation - you move into your family's flat, you each have DD for one full day at the weekend, and/or you use some of your savings to put her in nursery so you can work. When you're a lone parent you may also qualify for benefits that you're not currently eligible for because of DP's wages.

Stay separated for six months then reassess everything; you might find, as I have, that being on your own with a young child is a lot easier than having to negotiate with a DP who is supposed to do more than "help"/do what he wants in order to fund his dream whether or not it's your dream as well.

Thank you everyone for all perspectives. Don't worry no move is coming soon it would be in 6 plus years so I have plenty time to think.

It's a real stalemate and we are really not getting on just now we are barely talking. He's always had these traits but he does have good traits too, could say that for anybody I suppose. Before DD we did argue, we'd fall out and come back together, but it was never as loaded as this. It seems that throwing DD into the mix has brought up a whole lot.

@afloozie thank you, can I ask if it's ok, what happened in your situation? Sounds very similar ie doing what he wants and possibly being easier as a single parent. I have been a single parent before but it was quite a long time ago as my first child is an adult now.

You sound both selfish and you both need to compromise, OP you wanted another child without thinking of what's involved. A child needs to be wanted by both parents, put her in a nursery 1/2 day, 1 day/per week to make life easier.

@unfixable I will DM you x

I wouldn’t split up when a child was under 4 unless there was abuse/cheating etc. It’s only a short time but it’s your child’s entire childhood that’s affected by a split. They will be in school at 4 and things calm down.

Also I think you’re a SAHM… he’s working to provide not off on a lark. If you can’t handle it all drop the education not the husband. Your baby is very small.. most parents don’t get any time to themselves at that age.