Has anyone split up when child very young due to no time and resentments?

[unfixable]

Really could do with some perspectives and advice on my situation.

Me and partner have one child together who’s almost 1. I’m early 40s him late 40s. He works a lot, basically 8am-7pm 6 days a week, in a physical job. I’m a SAHM.

Motherhood has hit me harder than I expected, baby is quite high needs and I’m tired a lot of the time as because of his work hours I do everything with baby, house, admin, mental load, everything. I’m also studying part time which takes 12 hours a week.

I honestly don’t mind doing everything whilst I’m a SAHM but there is some resentment there because he is working such long hours to save because he wants us to move abroad in a few years. Move is driven by him not me, and if he didn’t want to move so much he could do 5 days rather than 6.

The problem is with us having no time together at all. We’ve zero family support so I asked him to take our daughter for half of his day off each week so I can do my hobby. I also take the baby to see my family and between all that and housework etc we have zero family time like trips out with daughter together. No babysitters so zero time together. He does his hobby some evenings which I don’t resent at all, but between his hours, everything I need to do, my studying, and both of our down time, theres no time as a couple or family. We increasingly seem to hate each other and can’t see each other’s point of view at all - I don’t see how he wants to move abroad so much that he chose to work 6 days a week, he seems to think it’s ‘easy’ for me being at home and doesn’t understand why I need time ‘off’ to do my hobby rather than all spend time together on his one day off. He has no holidays either, self employed.

Only way I can see it improving is when daughter starts nursery or if I give up my hobby which I really don’t want to do. We are both tired because of our ages maybe, I don’t see us lasting until she’s at nursery.

@SpryCat Yes he is he's in peak midlife mode. I wasn't sure if it's normal or it's just me to be so overwhelmed with motherhood this time around. I'm glad that others have said so here that it's normal. When she goes to bed and I have say 1 or 2 hours to shower and to myself, I often just sit and stare into space! I'm too exhausted from being on the go all day. I don't remember it being like that over twenty years ago when I had my first! I was (much) younger then though and had regular family helping out.

@AnnaQuayRules Yes but I informed work I wouldn't be retuning one month ago.

Told DP today that I never realised how difficult this would be and that something has to change with our agreement that I would be responsible for everything baby and house wise, or else I am just giving up on family time he keeps asking for and basically the relationship. He responded that I'm finding it difficult now because I have never known what it's like to raise a child 😡because I had family help on weekends with my eldest. Like he has ever raised a child!

Ask him if he’s ever bloody well known what it’s like to raise a child! The cheek of the fucker whilst he gets the best of both worlds - a well raised kid and a clean and tidy home and tea on the table for zero return except working a full time job that he is able to knock off from!

I wound have the ultimate ICK if that was my partner saying that to me whilst simultaneously doing nothing for the baby 🤢

@Lmnop22 It's not that he doesn't do anything for the baby. He does: for example he look after her for half the day on his one day off so I can do my hobby. My issue is that with his working hours - 8am-7pm 6 days a week and no holidays ever - plus my hobby, his hobby, and general stuff that needs done ie car stuff or family stuff. There is no time left for family time, and barely any time for relationship. This is because he is working these hours to fund moving abroad and buying a house there which is what he wants, not 'for us' as he likes to put it.

His dream of moving abroad doesn't sound as if it'll suit you well, your career options will be limited and your older children will be in the UK. It might work better to retire there instead in the future.

In your shoes, I'd do what suit you best. He's not exactly thinking of you and your DD, is he?

How long has he decided he was doing the move abroad thing?
Plus all this money he is saving to move since you're not married it's probably not going to benefit you as he's not going to give you any of it
Did he do much before the baby came you said you've been together a long time?

Watching his own kid for half a day a week and moaning about it isn’t doing enough for his baby….

@BruFord No it does not suit me well to move abroad. My career is not one which can be practised easily there it's a regulated profession and so I'd have to go through a lot of red tape and language study. I would also miss my adult children and other family. Our child might be disadvantaged at school as well being a non native speaker. He doesn't care about any of this though, you are right.
@grinandslothit I'm not sure how long. He had always spoken about it since we met, but it was always different countries he would speak about it and he never seemed serious until recently. He maintains that I agreed that part of the 'deal' about having a baby at our ages was that we would move abroad. I don't remember agreeing outright to this. He now claims I am 'reneging' on the agreement and DD will grow up hating me for denying her her father if I don't do it and he is going anyway...
Before DD came along our relationship was never really tested tbh. We both worked and holidayed and life was quite easy and yes we split chores.

He sounds very controlling. How is you having a say in where you live, work and raise your DD wrong?!

You have adult children here, are entitled to change your mind for good reasons (which you have in abundance) and all of this warrants a proper discussion not him railroading you into doing it anyway because you “agreed” ages and ages ago before circumstances were what they are now!

You brought up your unhappiness in the relationship and he deflected the problem onto you in order to stop you in your tracks and keep away from the real issues between you. He is not interested in being a family man, reevaluating his future plans that factor in your happiness and career prospects or being present in your relationship. He is rigidly climbing towards his dream with or without you. He is only interested in himself, he won’t change, he will carry on deflecting blame onto you whilst doing what he can to achieve his goal.

I would move to where your work is. If he can't be arsed to do his share of parenting or pay for his child, you need to move where it is convenient for you. Claim maintenance from him.

He is honestly ridiculous in thinking he can everthing his own way. What if you decided to just do a runner, he eould be doing and paying for it all.

I agree, move to where you work. If you think he will only want short visits with DD and no real care then CM will reflect that.

Your baby daughter won’t hate you for denying her her father because in order to have a relationship with your child you have to put in the effort. The truth is he won’t put in the effort whether you move abroad with him or stay put because he is always at work. What she needs is a happy loving mum who puts their happiness first and stays put with her support system and family around her and studies to further her career prospects so she feels fulfilled. He may of spoke of his dream years ago but you didn’t sign a contract and you are unhappy now so you will resent and hate moving away from everyone, you still won’t see your partner much and it will not benefit in any way your career prospects. There is no benefit for you at all to move abroad only losses and your partner will not change, doesn’t want to change and you have to follow your own path not his.

Go back to work stop being finamcially dependent on him.
Move close to your work and nursery since you cannot drive.

His dream to move country well let him go on his own. Child can visit him there during holidays.

Came here to say this @unfixable.

Also, here’s a list of things off the top of my head (some might sound trivial) that might help revive your mum batteries if / when you go back to work:

You can drink a whole cup of coffee / tea whilst it’s still hot
You can go to the toilet, uninterrupted
Your house will be as you left it in the morning
You can go to the gym / for a coffee / get a job done in your lunch break
You will earn money and sometimes even receive praise and gratitude for your work
You will pay into your pension
You will look forward to collecting your bub at the end of the day and appreciate spending time together in the evening and at the weekend
You can book a day off to yourself - or even take your baby off somewhere nice - if the mood takes you or you need it.

These might not be plusses for everyone - to each their own - but they’re all things that meant I personally found working full time easier in a lot of ways than being a SAHM. I had many years of being one, and actually have fond memories. But I also found it very hard.

Why can't you fund nursery? If you have enough money to rent and live off savings for a year or more?

Thanks everyone for perspective.

I already do live where I can work (any large hospital), if that makes sense. Any closer would be too expensive to rent or buy. The hour commute is because I cannot drive so rely on bus routes and would need to drop off at childcare. I suppose I just have the feeling that working I'd be adding a lot to my plate since there is no way DP would pick up any household stuff or mental load and is unable to do any more childcare due to his hours. I do see what you mean though about peeing in peace etc!

Right now it would swallow up most of what I would earn in childcare. I think I'm going to have to really deeply think about all of this and basically what I am doing with my life. Central to that is that I don't think this relationship is working anymore. I could leave and stay in the flat my family own, but yes I would have to go back to work after a time. I don't think I'd be entitled to any help with childcare because of savings, until they reduced below the level from spending on living costs. Is this correct? According to the calculators I would be entitled to some help with childcare costs if I did not have savings. Then when DD at nursery I would not be entitled to help any more but then the costs would be less.
It's not far from where we currently are, so he could still see DD. Well until his big move. I suppose there is a way forward then. Or try to save the relationship. It's a horrible feeling but I think it's too far gone for that. We weren't really tested until DD came along and it's just shown me that he is fundamentally selfish. Which is probably why he never left home until a late age or married or anything. I think I also disappoint him - I'm not exciting or carefree or a dreamer I'm quite a wary cautious person and he's the opposite or likes to think he is. I'm not even angry I just feel sad and flat. Not sure how much of that is possible mild PND and how much is the relationship.

@onyxtulip Yes I have thought about using my savings for DD to have a day in nursery so I can get some time and headspace and time to do my hobby. It would probably help the relationship. However I am reluctant to do that because that would leave me with no 'exit' ie savings to live on if I leave until I got a job or for childcare costs later on. I feel it would just be yet another form of me helping free up DP to follow his moving dreams where he couldn't care less about me.

Your baby is really young and you are both tired. It's gets better. I think you need to demand nursery for 1 day a week, or you leave. He probably deserves the chance to understand what he can do better. I highly doubt he would rather divorce than spare the cash for daycare and you might get subsidies or find a community centre with lower fees. If you leave you then have absolutely no support and not even your day off for the hobby as he could just refuse.

If things were great before baby for a long time than consider whether making your DP into the enemy here is the best solution.

If he insists on a 6 day work week then insist on childcare. These men with strong personality aren't so strong if they really truly realise their entire family is on the line.

These men with strong personality aren't so strong if they really truly realise their entire family is on the line Yes, maybe. I'm not sure if I want to anymore though. He did change a bit in the spring when DD was 5 months and I came out of the newborn fog and was exhausted still feeding and pumping and preparing to start weaning. That is when I demanded he took her on his day off to give me a break. Largely he has done this without having to be asked. He then moans though that we don't have any family time and moans that I started refusing to go visit his parents every week. I then say well if you worked 5 days a week or took holidays we could have family time as well as me having a break, but you are working to fund the move and house purchase you want for you. He then gets angry and says he is working 6 days 'for our future'. It just goes round and round in circles.

We are not married.

Yes, it's really the move abroad that's at the root of everything.

It's a real shame, but I don't think that your futures are aligned. He's determined to move to a country where your opportunities are severely limited and he's putting that desire above everything, even spending time with you and his daughter.

You need to sit down and really talk this through.

Have you considered counselling for yourself? Even online via telehealth? It sounds like communication between you two is really impacted mainly because of his stubbornness. I would suggest relationship counselling but it sounds like there is no time. Unfortunate sometimes men don't make changes or see the seriousness until your bags are packed. Can you leave him temporarily and stay with family for a month or so?

His view is that I am refusing to spend time with him or as a family on his (very limited) day off, because I am prioritising myself having a break from DD.

This is true. I am, because if I do not get any break I am really struggling because I do literally everything - all housework, everything to do with DD, all planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, life admin, entertaining her all day, trying to keep up with my family. I can't even get a shower in peace. Then when DD is in bed I study myself for a bit for my course, then sit for an hour in peace, then go to bed myself. I don't know if I am abnormal or have PND but I find the constant-ness exhausting.

I had to prioritise getting a break from DD and getting out myself on half a day a week which is his only day off. This annoys him because I always refuse when he suggests family time on his day off. We also only have about an hour together only some nights of the week because he isn't home until after 7pm 6 days and he also does his hobby a couple of evenings, and I'm often studying or catching up on chores and we then go to bed.

Yes we need to talk, but he won't talk. Just gets defensive and angry that apparently I agreed to all this because I wanted to have the baby and by questioning if I want to move away, I am 'reneging' on it. Total blinkers.

@YourRoseFinch I do have counselling for myself via telehealth. I don't know if the counsellor is biased though because she says she thinks he is a narcissist although cannot diagnose. She doesn't seem to like him much! He would never consider relationship counselling even if there was time. It does seem that on some level I am important to him, as long as I agree to this big move. He has poor mental health and I think he is focussing on this as a fix-all for his life.

He has poor mental health and I think he is focusing on this as a fix-all for his life.

@unfixable OK that's a huge red flag! Unless something specific to your current situation is causing his poor mental health, it's highly unlikely that moving to another country will magically fix his problems. Unfortunately, they'll move with him. What he really needs to do is accept help to address them (I'm guessing he currently doesn't as he's anti-counselling) first.

Hmm yes that's concerning. I think the move is really bad idea for you and your child though. You would be pretty trapped. Id say go with how you truly feel. I think you already know the answer