My wife created a whole diet and exercise plan to fix my libido

[joshhk]

Okay, I'm writing this openly, not as an attack on my wife of course haha. I just can't really talk about this with anyone in real life, so I figured I'd ask here.

My wife and I are both 44. We've been together since high school, so we've got a very long history together. We have three kids, both have good jobs, and thankfully neither of us has much work-related stress. We genuinely love each other, still find each other attractive, and our relationship is good.

We're both fairly slim and in decent shape for our age. Neither of us is a model or anything, but we're healthy. My wife does yoga and jogs, and she runs/exercises around three times a week. I used to be reasonably active too, although I wasn't nearly as consistent as she is.

Our sex life used to be pretty normal for us usually once or twice a week. But for roughly the last year and a half, my libido has dropped quite a bit. There have been weeks where I just haven't felt interested at all, followed by periods where things go back to normal.

My wife has a much higher libido than I do. For her, sex is pleasure, relaxation, stress relief, intimacy basically an important part of our relationship. I know it's important to her.

About two weeks ago, she got pretty disappointed and honestly a little angry with me. Her point was basically that it's partly my responsibility as her husband to take care of my health and make sure we're not neglecting our sex life.

I didn't really have an answer to that. I understand where she's coming from, but I also can't exactly switch my libido on like a light.

Then last Saturday she arrived with a PLAN.

She had apparently decided that we're changing my diet, and she had basically planned out what I'm eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She's also added a proper exercise/running routine for me every weekend because I haven't been consistent.

She even spoke to a doctor about it and got the okay before adding some vitamins and other things.

And now, on top of all that, she keeps sending me Instagram reels from women talking about improving men's sex lives/libido.

She's become extremely strict about the whole thing.

I know she's coming from a good place. She's not trying to shame me, and I know she wants us to have a good sex life. She's also probably right that I should take better care of my health and be more consistent with exercise.

But at the same time, I'm sitting here thinking this diet and new routine are going to kill me before they fix anything.

I love my wife, I'm attracted to her, and I absolutely want our sex life to be good. This isn't a relationship problem.

I'm just wondering if anyone else around their 40s has experienced something similar one partner having a much higher libido while the other's suddenly drops, and whether lifestyle changes actually helped.

And has anyone else's spouse ever basically taken over their health routine because they decided your sex life needed fixing

This is the key point really.
if the wife only sees him as a walking penis that needs to service her then his problems run much deeper

It needs fixing if one person is unhappy, a compromise should be found. And ageing doesn’t have to mean less sex, I want more and more the older I get.

He did say he had lost his erection ( or election ) - he still may well want regular sex - but just not with his wife anymore

It sounds a bit controlling but I did something similar in a past relationship. We were much younger, and the sex was horrific for me - he couldn’t keep it up, premature ejaculation etc and it came to a point I could not hide my frustration.

I tried gentle suggesting therapy for him and both of us - he refused. I bought toys/books to use etc., he refused. The 2 min sec was enough for him. The topic was avoided when I tried to talk about it. He got anti depressants which helped but then he refused to keep taking them after a month for unknown to me reasons. He had put on weight and I did suggest if he won’t look into antidepressants and therapy then diet and exercise.

I didn’t go as far as making meal plans but I did prep his food along side mine and insisted on us going to the gym together. He would throw the food I made and buy crap at work and eat nutella toast for dinner while playing video games instead of having meat and veg with me. He would come to gym and leave in 20 min dumping me there to play games on his phone in the car. He blamed me and my attitude for his lack of desire to have sex. When my attitude started when he stopped even trying to have sex. The sex was never great to begin with, but it fucked my mental health so much that after experiencing it for over two years in my late 20s I dumped him on his birthday..

Him and his family were talking about us having kids, yet he wouldn’t have sex for more than 2 minutes after I begged for a week and had to schedule it. Well let me tell me, from the relationship I had after - I was not the issue - he was.

I am not saying your wife is right or wrong or your feelings are not valid. What I am trying to show here is how a woman in that situation feels. This is not just a mist-match in libidos - it can be fundamental sexual incompatibility and may very well lead to the end of your marriage. If one person doesn’t want to work on it, then they have checked out completely. Especially if it has been ongoing for a long time and is not accute health reason like surgery, or I don’t know pregnancy, or illness etc.

speaking as a perimenopausal woman who’s libido literally vanished for 18mths until taking testosterone i can sympathise with your situation.
if my husband had presented me with a plan like that id have told him to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!
There are 2 factors at play with low libido - desire + ability to perform.
I can understand your wife feeling frustrated if she doesn’t feel like you’re doing anything to try and address the problem.
I would explain how you feel to your wife, be really honest about how you’re feeling and how you feel about her plan. I think she probably needs reassurance that you’re trying to improve things.
id also say from my own experience that my confidence totally disappeared and even once the testosterone gave me back the desire I’ve had huge anxiety about my ability to “perform” which in itself ruins the moment.
its a really difficult thing but I hope you can work it out together.

But understanding to a partner whose libido has gone the other way is also required. It’s not the case that the one who wants less sex must always perform to the level of the one who wants more - there must be empathy for the person who has found their libido has dipped and not just assuming they have a problem and diagnosing and attempting to fix it

What compromise though? Don’t we regularly read on her that women shouldn’t have sex if they don’t want to, they shouldn’t feel like they have to have sex with their husband or partner just to keep them happy? Those women don’t get told to compromise

I personally would get one of those Thriva blood tests, it's possible your testosterone is a bit low - ask her to hold fire with the diet and exercise plan while you do it....

DH did and while his testosterone was not low other bits needed some work.

https://thriva.co/shop/blood-tests/mens-health-blood-test

@joshhk why don’t you want to do anything about your drop on libido and/or your health ?
Your wife can’t force you but she has communicated she isn’t happy . You are thou only young. .what do you suggest ?
Havw you looked into why your libido has dropped and what you can do ?

Wow

imagine if this was reversed!

there would be uproar

Fuck me if a man put a woman on a diet so he could fuck her more - can you even imagine MN response to that?

OP - it’s fine to have a lower libido, you don’t need fixing, you don’t need a regime and she needs to back the fuck off before she kills the marriage.

@joshhk

This.

Nothing like putting the pressure on to kill an erection!

Do, however, speak to professionals about what’s going on, and what you can do about it.

The OP isn’t coming back so WTFP in continuing to respond?

Get your testosterone levels tested and if low, consider TRT.

Sorry if I've missed this, OP, but are you male or female?

Imagine if a woman was writing this , she’d be told to LTB. Not good.

It sounds horrible. I made DH watch that episode of Thin Blue Line with the sex therapist and beanbags 😂 and pretended to threaten to do the same.

It's very controlling. Maybe she's trying to be helpful and it's just come out badly? I certainly don't think it's usual. Maybe she doesn't want to face that you're just getting older?

I'm assuming you've checked it's not actually iron deficiency or similar. Maybe have a little chat about how you feel and that you don't think running will help!

Oh wow, crack on i’d say, you are very lucky, it made me smile actually because i was just thinking what would happen if i came home with a plan like that for my wife, i tell you what would happen, she’d stew my balls and bury me in the garden, only a woman would get away with delivering a plan like that 😂

Thank goodness my marriage isn't like this, if one isn't in the mood cuddles are just fine. You can't always just turn it on and off

Having this much pressure to perform would have the opposite effect, IMO. So controlling! I would tell her to back off. Maybe get checked out by your GP though.

I think she's right. You need to prioritise this. The plan is clearly ott but comes from desperation because you are not visibly doing anything to help. If you want the relationship then take some responsibility. That may been counselling, self help, trip to drs. Just show her you are trying and this matters.

Right, so all the women whose libidos drop when they have kids need to get the gym and start fucking

No and this isn't a just after kids issue. Sorry if I touched a nerve. The couple in question are mid 40's and already have an established family. No indication this is a just after giving birth libido drop. This is a out of the blue ongoing issue and yes absolutely if it was a woman she should also be curious as to why this has suddenly happened and what she can do to sort it out. Not for her husband, for her. Sex is really important for happiness, health and the strength of relationships, if she can sort it out why wouldn't she?

Desperation because sometimes its mere "weeks" without sex then back to normal?

She needs to see a therapist tbh to talk through why shes reached "desperation" point over that. Maybe she has a porn addiction that needs exploring.