Would you want to know about a 7-month affair? I told a friend and it has backfired.

[CarbeanHolidayGirl]

I’m looking for some perspective on a situation that has been weighing heavily on me, and I want to ask a wider question to the forum.

Last year, I found out that a close friend's husband was cheating. I found out because my boyfriend and I were on a night out in town, and we saw him in a nightclub kissing and being completely all over another woman. They didn't see us, and I decided not to go over to them at the time.

It later came to light that it wasn't a one-off—it was a full-blown affair that had been going on for about 7 months.

I was stuck in an awful position, but ultimately I felt I couldn't keep it a secret, so I told her what I saw.

At first, her husband completely denied it and didn't want to admit to any of it. But because the cat was out of the bag, he eventually broke things off with the other woman. She got absolutely furious about being dumped and decided to message my friend and tell her absolutely everything.

It completely blew up their lives at the time. However, fast forward to now, and she has ultimately decided to take him back. They are still together and trying to work through it.

The problem is, telling her has completely backfired on me. While she is technically still speaking to me and we are trying to maintain our friendship, the dynamic has shifted entirely. It feels incredibly awkward now. I get the distinct vibe that she resents me for being the one who shattered her illusion, and looking at me just reminds her of the worst time in her life—even though her husband was the one who did wrong.

Personally, I would cut a friend off completely if I found out they knew about something like this and didn't tell me. I would want the truth no matter what. But obviously, I know not everyone feels the same way.

It has left me second-guessing everything. So my question to you all is: If your husband had a 7-month affair, would you genuinely want a friend to tell you? Or is it better to stay out of it if it just ends up backfiring on the messenger?

I think you did the right thing but unfortunately she may never stop associating you with that awful time. It's not fair on you and I'm sure she doesn't mean it, but I suspect she will just not see past it. Possibly she will also feel you're judging her for taking him back. So it's not your fault at all, and you still did the right thing, but possibly things just won't ever go back to how they were, or not for a very very long time and some time apart.

I know it's the general consensus on Mumsnet to tell the betrayed wife/partner (and I understand why), but unfortunately in my experience of life the messenger usually gets well and truly shot.

I would want to know, but that doesn't mean I would expect other people to want to know. Some people live their lives in a way that completely mystifies me.

Have you spoken to her about how you feel she's treating you?

It’s horrible for you OP as you have proved to be a true friend who did the hard thing. Sorry it has changed your friendship. One of my closest friends discovered her DH had been having an affair and was absolutely mortified that so many knew (I didn’t) and said she would always want to be told. I would value very highly a friend who told me the truth when it was hard for them to do so but everyonehas different values.

Wny would you be second guessing everything tho? You did the right thing, it's up to her how she accepts this knowledge. Don't beat yourself up. It's over, she knows.

I wouldn't tell because it's obvious it may backfire and because none of us has the right, in my view, to meddle in the marriages of others.

She might just be embarrassed too. Maybe you’re the only one who knows the extent, or maybe because you told her and saw her at her most vulnerable. Maybe she’s worried you’re judging her, or maybe she’s projecting a bit of the anger on to you if it wasn’t handled perfectly. Who knows. Maybe you could try be really supportive of her and dh? Could you invite them round for dinner or to go out for drinks or anything you used to do with them? Say some nice things about him maybe.

This I’m afraid.

If I were your friend, I know from a similar but not the same experience that I would feel quite ashamed if someone had been brave and true enough to tell me the hard & hideous truth about my cheating DH and then I'd taken him back. I'd feel like I had stuck two fingers up at her loyalty.

It's not you. You did the right thing, but unfortunately it has lead to a bit of a him or you situation. He won't want her to meet with you - awkward, she knows you think he's a cheating prick - awkward, plus you're a reminder of a very painful time.

You absolutely did the right thing but there is a price (until the wanker cheats again and she comes back around).

She’s embarrassed that she’s taken him back, generally is having a confidence crisis and you remind her of it and remind her of her position. She’ll come round but I’d let her drift for a bit.

Remember, never bad-mouth a friends recently dumped boyfriend as when they get back together, you’re the guy who said he had a weird nose or something 😂

This is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation sadly. Personally I think you did the right thing, even though it may have ended your friendship.

You did the right thing according to your own lights and that’s all anyone can ask of you. Unfortunately you won’t get rewarded and that’s normal in life.

No, I wouldn’t want to hear it from anyone except my partner; I don’t want others butting in on my relationship, and I would have left well alone. That doesn’t make me right, it’s just what I would do.

I agree that she is likely embarrassed and fearing judgement. Give her time. You did the right thing

I once had an odd situation when I was messaged by someone I knew vaguely at work. This lady told me that her husband worked on the same floor as me and she suspected him of having an affair with a woman he worked with. Could I tell her if it was common knowledge. I didn’t know him but I saw him walking with this woman and the way they were walking made me think they were really familiar with each other. Their shoulders were kind of touching. I also saw them having lunch in the canteen. Still
it was a tough one… hard to be conclusive. What your friends husband did was so ridiculously stupid that he deserved to be revealed. He wasn’t sitting in a pub next to someone or seen walking into a hotel he was snogging her face off in public. Unfortunately there’s a kind of contamination around these kinds of incidents and you’re always going to be a reminder of this time. She probably feels a bit vulnerable about having him back and she knows that you know. Hard to fake it with you.

I agree she’s embarrassed etc but how does interacting with the DH go now though? If I was in this situation I don’t think I’d just be able to revert back to being all “hi Dave, how’s it going?” with the DH, and presumably he feels the same about the OP too. It’s never going to not be awkward.

"OldrNWisr · Today 18:46
This is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation sadly. Personally I think you did the right thing, even though it may have ended your friendship."

"firsttimepregnanthelp · Today 18:48
I agree that she is likely embarrassed and fearing judgement. Give her time. You did the right thing"

This with bells on. In her shoes, I would have wanted to know and many people would but not everyone, as you can see from this thread. But yes, if I then reconciled with my husband, I probably would feel awkward around you - through no fault of yours. Hopefully with time the awkwardness will pass.

In all honesty, they probably won't last now. You seem understanding of how she is probably feeling about taking him back. I'd keep my distance a bit but you may find she seeks you out later.

A “friend” of mine knew about my ex’s affair. I know she knew, & she knows I know she knew. She still denies that she knew. We are no longer friends.

Had she had the guts to tell me it would have been hard but I would have known it came from a place of love.

I most certainly have the right to tell the truth about something I've seen in a public place.

Whether someone else is secure enough in their marriage to be able to deal with it is another matter.

Maybe, but OP's friend has already demonstrated herself to be prideful and irrational.

You did the right thing according to your values. I would hate if a friend of mine knew and didn’t tell me. If I ever found out I couldn’t be her friend anymore. How I would go about it now would be to talk to my friend and just ask her where you guys stand. And go from there. Sadly, I have learned that people aren’t always a part of your life forever. It’s sad but the reality. You acted according with your moral compass and if your friend doesn’t understand maybe your relationship isn’t meant to continue.

I’d just call her right out … she wants to be hanging on to him and taking it out on you … nah. Don’t take that OP. Genuinely I’d say… I told you .. you had the right to know. Now you’re cosy back with the guy who done it and taking it out on the woman who told you? Not on. She’ll cut you off so she can live with her cognitive dissonance .. honestly let her. She needs to live in delulu land to be ok with it and your presence keeps marking her look at the real world. Your friendship won’t last as she’ll choose lala land every time. Not judging her but she can’t pretend it didn’t happen and be friends with the person who told her .. that’s the issue. And good on you… yoir the type of friend id want

As I have said, I don't think I have the right. You do think so.

Yes, this I agree.