Would you want to know about a 7-month affair? I told a friend and it has backfired.

[CarbeanHolidayGirl]

I’m looking for some perspective on a situation that has been weighing heavily on me, and I want to ask a wider question to the forum.

Last year, I found out that a close friend's husband was cheating. I found out because my boyfriend and I were on a night out in town, and we saw him in a nightclub kissing and being completely all over another woman. They didn't see us, and I decided not to go over to them at the time.

It later came to light that it wasn't a one-off—it was a full-blown affair that had been going on for about 7 months.

I was stuck in an awful position, but ultimately I felt I couldn't keep it a secret, so I told her what I saw.

At first, her husband completely denied it and didn't want to admit to any of it. But because the cat was out of the bag, he eventually broke things off with the other woman. She got absolutely furious about being dumped and decided to message my friend and tell her absolutely everything.

It completely blew up their lives at the time. However, fast forward to now, and she has ultimately decided to take him back. They are still together and trying to work through it.

The problem is, telling her has completely backfired on me. While she is technically still speaking to me and we are trying to maintain our friendship, the dynamic has shifted entirely. It feels incredibly awkward now. I get the distinct vibe that she resents me for being the one who shattered her illusion, and looking at me just reminds her of the worst time in her life—even though her husband was the one who did wrong.

Personally, I would cut a friend off completely if I found out they knew about something like this and didn't tell me. I would want the truth no matter what. But obviously, I know not everyone feels the same way.

It has left me second-guessing everything. So my question to you all is: If your husband had a 7-month affair, would you genuinely want a friend to tell you? Or is it better to stay out of it if it just ends up backfiring on the messenger?

You did the right thing, the silly cow

Years ago my then partner starting messaging a small group of my friends/colleagues - individually, secretly. He was very funny and charming.

Only 1 of the 4 had the courage(?) to tell me. And in fact she told me pretty much immediately that he was a dickhead and to check his phone. Which I duly did, finding messages to SO MANY women.

The friend that told me I have so much respect for and she is still a very close friend today. No bad memories, just an appreciation for her as a solid human being who had my back.

No idea why your friend is treating you as she is, it's frankly bizarre. But people can be bizarre.....see the other 3 friends referenced above.

Absolutely you did the right thing. I would want to be told. Maybe she isn’t 100% sure she’s made the decision taking him back and feels cagey around you. Try not to let it get to you. Things will work out one way or another.

Not your fault but she’s likely embarrassed and won’t see the friendship in the same way. Best to stay out of things like this

she is embarrassed that her husband cheated. she is embarrassed that you know. she is embarrassed that she decided to take him back and embarrassed that you know.

I’m in the minority but ignorance is bliss. If the marriage is otherwise good, and the affair isn’t costing family time, couple time, neglecting the children or depriving me of my free time/hobbies and financed by my husbands personal spending and not family money then I don t want to know.

I don’t think anyone should break the news of an affair unless the cheated on partner is already having a hard time in the marriage, eg no time for themselves or sole parenting.

Did you tell her straight away or later when things came out? I’d be really upset if you’d witnessed this incident ages ago then only told me because everything else came to light.

Personally, I would cut a friend off completely if I found out they knew about something like this and didn't tell me. I would want the truth no matter what. But obviously, I know not everyone feels the same way.

But this is exactly what you did. You saw him yourself but didn’t tell her until later.

my then partner
No idea why your friend is treating you as she is

Because she’s ashamed to have taken him back, whereas you are not.

But why not just make an active choice to agree on ethical non-monogamy?

I suspect the dynamic is more that she feels inappropriate shame because she chose to stay in her marriage and try to make it work. She projects that shame onto you and feels as though you are judging her, even if you're not. Can you talk about it? Can you tell her it was a huge dilemma for you and all you were guided by was trying to be a friend. You have no view on what is best for her to do with the information and will continue to support her whatever happens. It's ok for her to continue to confide in you with uncertainties and difficult emotions, whether she's with him or not.

This is why some don’t say anything. If you had asked on here whether you should tell your friend you would have had a thread of mixed responses. Some would say you are stirring/ sticking your beak in, tell you to wind your neck in and other nasty stuff.

I would want to know even though it would be hard. I wouldn’t stay and wouldn’t want to waste my time and life with someone who did that to me. A true friend won’t have questionable motives for telling me. They won’t be meddling in my marriage. Others would prefer to be ignorant and may be upset for people shining a light on it and find that the embarrassing bit.

I’ve been in a similar situation quite a long time ago. I told my friend and hell broke loose. She followed him to his side chicks home and confronted him. Of course he couldn’t deny it. He left her there and then. Our friendship was never the same. I think she was embarrassed. Even now if I bump into her many years on we’re polite but it ruined our friendship. If it happened now I don’t think I would tell. I’d pretend not to know.

This. The marriage as it was is over. She might be staying due to not wanting the other options right now, financially, for kids, or wanting space to plan an exit one day.

You did the right thing. Doing it anonymously could have been a way of getting the truth to her. Might have saved you all this pondering and awkwardness.

I think the best you can do is be very supportive of her choice to retry with her husband and act like it didn’t happen.

That is a very strange take.

I honestly don’t think you can win in this situation. I’d hate to be in it. I had a friend who was blissfully happy to bury her head in the sand. Her husband had cheated once and she took him back and she was quite clear she would rather have not have known and was happier before. Because people are different you just don’t know if they’d rather know or not. I think you did the right thing and had good intentions but there’s a chance the friendship won’t recover as she associates you with that awful time unfortunately

Fortunately, it's not a situation I've ever been in. Thinking about it hypothetically, I have revised my view as I realise not saying something to a close friend wouldn't be something I could do. I would have to tell them, out of loyalty.

How ridiculous to have this view.

So you would happily carry on unwittingly sleeping with a man who is sleeping with someone else and might be putting you at risk of STDs?

And who is essentially disrespecting and humiliating you but that's ok if the "marriage is otherwise good'.

I would suggest the marriage cannot be "good" if one partner is cheating on the other.

Exactly. I've never read such a pile of nonsense in all my days.

Honestly, I don't think you can win in this situation. I found out my best friend's husband was cheating on her, but didn't tell her because her Dad was also dying and from conversations I had with her I suspected she knew about the affair and didn't want to face up to it which was fair enough given everything else going on in her life. She stumbled across her husband with the OW and when it came out that I knew she was not happy with me either. 15 years on we have gotten over it, but it wasn't easy for the first few years! There may still be hope with your friendship too, but I wonder if it will be harder because your friend continued the relationship whereas mine ended it?

@CarbeanHolidayGirl I can't pick an option. because I would NOT want to know of a 7 month affair if it had already ended... But I WOULD want to know if it was still going on.

In all honesty, your friendship with your friends has completely changed now, and I don't think it will survive as long as she is still with him. I reckon they won't last very long though. Maybe a year or two.

Did you do the right thing telling her? Probably. If you hadn't done, he would have carried on the affair. Good for his affair partner for outing him though. Why should he get off scot free after dumping her (and cheating on his wife of course!)

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I couldn’t pick because honestly I don’t know. Sometimes I think I would want to know then there’s times I think ignorance is bliss.

I would never tell someone if I knew there partner was cheating. 9/10 times it’s the messenger who gets shot unfortunately.

You did the right thing. The issue is that she’s taken him back and she knows she’ll be judged for it.

they will separate again soon because he will cheat again, and she’ll need your friendship.

roll with it and perhaps try to spend time with her doing things that aren’t about her failing marriage.

she is going through a tricky time as you said. Things are bound to be uncomfortable for her. And it’s not unusual to feel some resentment to the person that told her the truth if she was truly
in a bubble, but that won’t last.

I only told her because if it was me I would definetly want to know.