Would you want to know about a 7-month affair? I told a friend and it has backfired.

[CarbeanHolidayGirl]

I’m looking for some perspective on a situation that has been weighing heavily on me, and I want to ask a wider question to the forum.

Last year, I found out that a close friend's husband was cheating. I found out because my boyfriend and I were on a night out in town, and we saw him in a nightclub kissing and being completely all over another woman. They didn't see us, and I decided not to go over to them at the time.

It later came to light that it wasn't a one-off—it was a full-blown affair that had been going on for about 7 months.

I was stuck in an awful position, but ultimately I felt I couldn't keep it a secret, so I told her what I saw.

At first, her husband completely denied it and didn't want to admit to any of it. But because the cat was out of the bag, he eventually broke things off with the other woman. She got absolutely furious about being dumped and decided to message my friend and tell her absolutely everything.

It completely blew up their lives at the time. However, fast forward to now, and she has ultimately decided to take him back. They are still together and trying to work through it.

The problem is, telling her has completely backfired on me. While she is technically still speaking to me and we are trying to maintain our friendship, the dynamic has shifted entirely. It feels incredibly awkward now. I get the distinct vibe that she resents me for being the one who shattered her illusion, and looking at me just reminds her of the worst time in her life—even though her husband was the one who did wrong.

Personally, I would cut a friend off completely if I found out they knew about something like this and didn't tell me. I would want the truth no matter what. But obviously, I know not everyone feels the same way.

It has left me second-guessing everything. So my question to you all is: If your husband had a 7-month affair, would you genuinely want a friend to tell you? Or is it better to stay out of it if it just ends up backfiring on the messenger?

Ostrich mentality.

Cheating isn't just a financial threat. It can have very serious physical consequences. And male cheaters often don't use condoms: it's part of the appeal.

Not knowing you're being cheated on means you could develop pelvic inflammatory disease and chronic abdominal pain that saps your energy and weakens your economic capacity, not to mention causes painful sex. PID affects 1 in 20 women.

You could also develop silent chlamydia that makes you infertile or leads to life-threatening ectopic pregnancy.

You could well also find at the age of 40 that you've got cervical cancer, due to HPV transmitted by your dirty H.

Or you could develop bacterial vaginosis due to exposure to another woman's vaginal flora. BV can lead to your vagina burning and oozing for months to years, with frequent recurrences despite treatment. 30% of women will develop BV in their lifetime, and the primary risk factors are having new sex partners and not using a condom.

Women who are being cheated on of course don't realise that they're essentially having sex with other people.

The loss of quality of life for women due to STIs is enormous and much much much higher than for men. Just chlamydia alone causes 72 times more suffering for women at a population level than men.

There are also serious consequences for babies when pregnant women become infected by their cheater H. STIs can cause miscarriage, stillbirth, eye infections that lead to blindness, meningitis, deafness, and birth defects eg the saddle nose deformity of babies born with syphilis.

https://reference.medscape.com/p11/visual-findings-9-sexually-transmitted-infections-2026a1000sjv?ecd=mkm_ret_260903_mscpmrk-OUS_DisReferences_etid8648195&uac=304363EG&impID=8648195

People seem to have forgotten how serious STIs can be. And I repeat: cheating men often do NOT use condoms (65-90%).

I'd rather be told, and be given the opportunity to rescue myself from my H's dirty cheating penis, than not know.

Really?
You wouldn't want to know that your husband had been cheating on you for 7 months?
Why?

Surely knowing he has cheated, that he is that kind of person, gives you power and agency whereas not knowing gives the power and agency to him.

Wouldn't you want to know so you could decide if you wanted to stay with him or dump him? So you could get yourself checked out?

I am really surprised by some of the comments on this thread.

You say it came to light that they were 7 months in

How did it come to light?

Tbh I dont know whether I would. A lot of women would cut you off or find a way to make you the bad guy

Oh my goodness me! Can you explain the rational for me? As long as it doesn’t impact you negatively you don’t care what your partner does? You’re happy to live a lie? Honesty should be the foundation of any marriage. What you describe is my worse nightmare.

Same! Can’t comprehend the logic…