Would you want to know about a 7-month affair? I told a friend and it has backfired.

[CarbeanHolidayGirl]

I’m looking for some perspective on a situation that has been weighing heavily on me, and I want to ask a wider question to the forum.

Last year, I found out that a close friend's husband was cheating. I found out because my boyfriend and I were on a night out in town, and we saw him in a nightclub kissing and being completely all over another woman. They didn't see us, and I decided not to go over to them at the time.

It later came to light that it wasn't a one-off—it was a full-blown affair that had been going on for about 7 months.

I was stuck in an awful position, but ultimately I felt I couldn't keep it a secret, so I told her what I saw.

At first, her husband completely denied it and didn't want to admit to any of it. But because the cat was out of the bag, he eventually broke things off with the other woman. She got absolutely furious about being dumped and decided to message my friend and tell her absolutely everything.

It completely blew up their lives at the time. However, fast forward to now, and she has ultimately decided to take him back. They are still together and trying to work through it.

The problem is, telling her has completely backfired on me. While she is technically still speaking to me and we are trying to maintain our friendship, the dynamic has shifted entirely. It feels incredibly awkward now. I get the distinct vibe that she resents me for being the one who shattered her illusion, and looking at me just reminds her of the worst time in her life—even though her husband was the one who did wrong.

Personally, I would cut a friend off completely if I found out they knew about something like this and didn't tell me. I would want the truth no matter what. But obviously, I know not everyone feels the same way.

It has left me second-guessing everything. So my question to you all is: If your husband had a 7-month affair, would you genuinely want a friend to tell you? Or is it better to stay out of it if it just ends up backfiring on the messenger?

Personally, I think you did the right thing, but she's obviously struggling with it. I'd accept that your friendship might become more distant and not dwell on it. I wouldn't call her out on it.

Doubt she resents you. She's embarrassed that she's taken him back and you know everything. She thinks you're judging her.

Cognitive dissonance. Taking him back conflicts with knowing you probably think he’s a prize prick. She probably knows he’s a prize prick too but still lives him so easiest way to resolve the internal conflict is too turn on you. You’re a reminder of the part she wants to forget.

Sounds like you need a chat with her about it, hopefully air it out and move on like she’s done with him.

You did nothing wrong it is all on him. Your friend will be embarrassed and hurt. Stay friends as he will likely do it again and she will need good friends like you. Just give her time

I was with someone who cheated on me a few times during the last year of our fairly long relationship. No new relationships as such, but recurring flings. Emotionally, he was a train wreck who was incapable of really connecting with anyone, but he was charismatic and loved a good chase. By the time he decided to come clean, which absolutely broke me, it turned out quite a number of our friends, male and female, already knew. They'd obviously decided it wasn't for them to 'meddle' in our relationship, and had kept it to themselves, through meals out, day-trips, mini breaks, camping trips, evenings in and heart-to-hearts. We were at the centre of a big 'happening' scene, he employed a few of our friends, so it was messy. I felt like such a fool; 'awkward' doesn't quite cover how it felt trying to navigate those friendships after his confessions. And once it was all out in the open, a couple more of his conquests emerged from our circle of acquaintance, who reasoned it would be better if it was all 'on the table'.

What was really hard was that because our friends had known, and clearly not gone "Wtf!?" and called him out, it made it harder for me to make that boundary for myself. I ended up trying to convince myself to stay and 'work on the relationship' because the social cues I was receiving sort of condoned his behaviour, and despite hurting so much, I didn't really feel like I had an ally among our friends -they'd known and chosen not to say.
Paradoxically, I did also feel judged for initially agreeing to try to work things out, like I was "poor Cosmic, what is she doing?"

I think your friend is probably doing the best she can in an awful situation that nobody ever deserves to be in.

Oh gosh how painful for you. You did the right thing. The irony is that you showed her what an incredible friend you are but because she has chosen to tolerate his behaviour she probably can’t tolerate your friendship let alone cherish how loyal you are. It’s really really times a hundred not about what you did etc. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the distance from her.

I was furious that my friends didn’t tell me my partner was having an affair with one of my friends. Everyone knew but me.

I think you did the right thing, in her shoes I would most certainly want to know as cheating is a dealbreaker for me. Many are happy to go along in blissful ignorance, as long as their status quo isn’t disturbed.
Shes got to be embarrassed.

Don't doubt yourself.

She's conflicted and embarrassed and possibly in denial as well as afraid what you think of her now. Show her you don't judge her at all for staying, that you're there for her without any trace of magnanimity and give it time. Sorry for being soppy but I think you're a true friend for prioritizing her happiness over your friendship.

@fuchsteufelswild I think that sums it up. Being betrayed is so humiliating in itself, and you get this awful triple whammy of humiliation, incredulity and pity when you decide to stay, even if only briefly. It's awful.

I would have wanted to know when my ex husband did this. Sadly our “friends” were too gutless to tell me so l had to work it out for myself instead

She probably feels awkward because she has taken him back

I’d have done the same as you OP, even knowing the likely outcome. I absolutely would want to know myself.

Slightly different but back in the mists of time I found out after I separated from my first husband that my closest friends knew something about him that they never told me. Ultimately it was his best friend, who had refused (on principle, although I didn’t know it at the time) to come to our wedding, that told me. My relationship with my friends never recovered. Two of them I’ve not spoken to since, one limped on for a while before it fizzled out.

Would it have stopped me marrying him? Honestly maybe not, but I’d not have suffered the acute and unbearable humiliation of finding out later what they knew all along.

You did the right thing

You did the right thing to tell her but it's also understandable that your friendship has been damaged.

It would have been selfish to keep it a secret just to maintain your friendship.

But if you hadn’t said anything it would likely still be going on just now. Or is that what she’d prefer?

A friend told me my DH of 21 years was cheating on me and I was very upset but after thinking about it for a few weeks I became relieved because it gave me courage to divorce DH. He tried to come back to me but I was not having any of it. My friend also helped me through the difficult divorce process which went on for about 11 months because DH dragged everything out thinking I might change my mind if he made life hard for me and got youngest DC to beg me to tak him back. I'll never ever forgive him for that.

You don't fit the narrative.

If she'd gone on to dump him, you do - you're the one who tipped her off and helped her break free, so painful but all's good in the end. But as she's gone back to him, well, it doesn't quite work.

You could apply this to other things. Boss stiffing you over a promotion, work colleague in different department tips you off - but you end up staying in the job anyway. Not an exact analogy but y'know...

You definitely did the right thing. I think just be normal and kind with her but give her space.

It's likely that the marriage will end at some point, either because he will cheat again or she will find she can't get past it and then she will need your friendship.

At the moment she is probably still processing what happened and in a weird way her anger/upset is directed at you and,no doubt, the OW rather than her cheating spouse.
Just give her time and be there for when it all comes crashing down and reality hits.

Ultimately it is more important that her relationship with her cheating H repair itself, if that is what she truly wants.

Your friendship will be different but that is not going to affect your life much.
You did the right thing. The fall out is not surprising because seeing you reminds her of the worst betrayal of her life.

This. It’s nothing you did wrong, you are just now associated with a horrible discovery and subsequent suffering. I know someone who was the one to guess that a friend was attempting suicide, and broke into their house and was instrumental in saving them, but the friend who was saved, while going on to live a good life with no more suicide attempts, has never spoken to the ‘rescuer’ since leaving hospital. She’s just associated with too much suffering. I think she’d find it humiliating.

I think she probably feels uncomfortable because she's embarrassed that she's took him back.

Sounds like the friendship is suffering anyway so I’d just have it out with her.

Tell her you feel like she’s punishing you for telling her what you saw, when you were trying to be loyal. Ask her why?

You did what a good friend could have done. I think she’s embarrassed obviously