Am I under-reacting after he ignored my request to use a condom?

[Happyduck77]

So things finished with my situationship late last year. He ended it. It was awful timing. I wasn't a really bad place. Ive been doing therapy for other stuff, going to a life coach etc. Really working on myself and getting back into exercise and trying to love myself. This guy has kept coming back over and over. Its a very long story. Weve seen each other 2 times in last few months and most recently slept together. I told him he would have to wear a condom as i was no longer taking contraceptives, he said he'd just have to be careful and he pulled out. Im not worried about pregnancy as im late 40's and it wasn't the right time of the month. I just cant seem to get mad that he did this. Whats wrong with me? Do I think so little about myself. Was it really that bad? Im not even thinking about STI's- again, what is wrong with me?? I reckon im in some sort of trauma bond and ive worked so bloody hard to pick myself up after an emotionally abusive marriage and now this guy. Am I under reacting? I dont trust myself with this guy at all

The main thing is that you recognise that this isn’t ok. That’s the first step to blocking this twat and looking ahead instead of getting drawn back to him.

You say that your marriage was abusive so you clearly have a history of accepting less than you deserve. You’re in the process of unpicking why, and the fact that you’re questioning this situation shows that you’re making progress. Keep up with the therapy and building your self esteem, at some point you’ll realise you don’t have to settle for someone who disrespects you (even if you’re not respecting yourself at this point).

You're not really safe with this person either now are you OP?

Message him, tell him not to contact you again and then block him on everything.

Having a situationship and working on yourself whilst acknowledging that you have trauma bonding issues unresolved isn't going to work is it? When working on yourself either in isolation or with a therapist means exactly that! On you and not pandering to some other needy person.
Have a clear out of all baggage and then work on you and you alone without distractions. Try celibacy for a while.

He is a sexual predator who has been taking advantage of your fragile emotional condition, and when he refused to use a condom last time and coerced you into having sex without one - you didn't feel able to say no and he raped you. It might not have felt like it at the time, but it was rape.

I am so, so sorry.

You aren't in the right frame of mind to be in any kind of relationship. You are in therapy, so therefore you need to work on yourself. Tangling yourself up into a relationship, that isn't really one, is the last thing you need. Accept whatever relationship you had with this man, is now over. Concentrate on you.

why do you think you aren't reacting more strongly?

it's probably more than one reason. I could offer some guesses:
You enjoyed the sex and dont want to have to put a stop to it, especially if you have otherwise felt safe with him.
STIs dont feel like a real risk just a theoretical one.
as humans we have a natural bias toward what feels familiar and pleasurable, not necessarily what is good for us (especially long term).

keep up the good work, you can do better with your time!

Yes, because we were in a relationship for nearly a year. This happened in my marriage also and ended up in me conceiving my 2nd child. I didn't feel unsafe, more just annoyed

If you gave consent based on a condom, and he didn’t wear one, that rather invalidates the consent. Which is scary.

No it's was not and saying this isn't helpful. It is also demeaning to victims of actual rape to compare the two situations.

He didnt coerce me, I was a willing participant but he crossed my boundary and didn't seem to bother. It would be for his own enjoyment

I once had an older bf who I felt was taking advantage of me. When he had trouble putting a condom on he said, I don't get on with condoms you should go on the pill. I dumped him there and then, filthy fucking bastard that he was. I was on the pill, maybe he didn't know but he was free to find someone else who didn't mind dying of AIDS or getting Chlamydia.

I love your strength. I wish i could be like that

What is a situationship and how does that differ to a relationship? If he finished with you last year why are you still seeing him and sleeping with him?

You asked him to use a condom and when he refused, why didn't you stand your ground? It sounds like he said it's ok he'll pull out and you went along with that - is that what happened? Because if it is, you should have reinforced your boundaries instead. You're a grown woman and you have agency over your own life. It sounds like you're just making some bad choices, honestly.

I'm afraid I agree with this. He coerced you into sex without a condom.

I think you should block this rapist from all communications and have some therapy before you even think of sleeping with anyone else.

That's not what happened. Read it properly. She consented to sex without a condom and now she's pissed off with herself for doing so.

No he didn't :/

This is ridiculous and hyperbolic.

hes scum. you dont need him. block and only date when you feel strong and ready.

my friend was conceived when her mum was in her 40s and referred to as a “change baby” as her mum had just hit the age of menopause starting. it’s a thing. happens nowadays too.

id always use contraception unless we’d both been tested since we last slept wirh anyone else (and i’d want to see the results together) and id not had a period in a year.

Assume you consented to it? Otherwise it’s a form of rape.

Sounds like this guy has a major hold over you and you need to work past it. Maybe you feel that sleeping with him will change things. I hope you get to a happier place.

If consent to sex is based on condition that he wears a condom and he refuses to wear one but goes ahead with sex anyway then it is rape and you are minimising what hapoened to OP.

You're missing the step where OP did not withdraw consent when he declined to use a condom. She had the means and the capability of doing so and she didn't. Being persuaded into an unwise decision isn't coercion or rape.

I couldnt. I just couldnt put my foot down. I dont know why. He just kept going and said he'd have to be careful.

Did you consent?

I definitely knew not wouldnt change things. Its been awful for months now - much of it because I cant seem to get over this. He's been pretty horrendous to me. Its my 1st relationship after an emotionally abusive marriage. Ige done counselling, EMDR, life coach. Ive really worked on myself. I chose to go see him as I just wanted it out my system. I know what he is like and needless to say, he has gone very quiet yet again. Thats the pattern. I need strength to just stop this somehow

I guess I did yes