Am I under-reacting after he ignored my request to use a condom?

[Happyduck77]

So things finished with my situationship late last year. He ended it. It was awful timing. I wasn't a really bad place. Ive been doing therapy for other stuff, going to a life coach etc. Really working on myself and getting back into exercise and trying to love myself. This guy has kept coming back over and over. Its a very long story. Weve seen each other 2 times in last few months and most recently slept together. I told him he would have to wear a condom as i was no longer taking contraceptives, he said he'd just have to be careful and he pulled out. Im not worried about pregnancy as im late 40's and it wasn't the right time of the month. I just cant seem to get mad that he did this. Whats wrong with me? Do I think so little about myself. Was it really that bad? Im not even thinking about STI's- again, what is wrong with me?? I reckon im in some sort of trauma bond and ive worked so bloody hard to pick myself up after an emotionally abusive marriage and now this guy. Am I under reacting? I dont trust myself with this guy at all

This isn't true though. If you didn't want him contacting you you would block him.

I wish it was that easy. Not everything is black and white in life

You told him to wear a condom and he refused. You should have refused him sex. He obviously has no respect for you or your wishes. Also a friend of mine got pregnant at 47. She went on to miscarry but she had 4 weeks of total shock and worry and stressing about what to do before the miscarriage. Do yourself a favour and block this selfish man.

This doesn’t make any sense. Just block him! You’re obviously getting something from the drama of it, only you know if it’s worth sacrificing your peace for.

Yes, you are under-reacting.

Raise your bar and clear this boundary-violating trash out of your life.

Do not get with a man again until you are confident insisting on condom use.

You are under reacting. He is being selfish and disrespectful. Counting on him pulling out is very risky. Loads of women get pregnant in their 40s. You are being irresponsible and unreasonable.

But you weren’t willing without a condom, were you? That was not part of the agreement - he crossed your boundary, e.g, you didn’t consent to it without a condom.

You should have refused him sex? How about he should have said sure no problem to wearing a condom and not put her in this position in the first place.

Yes, you are underreacting.

Obviously you're aware that self-esteem and healthy boundaries are an issue for you - but you shouldn't be in any kind of sexual or romantic relationship until you've managed to establish a strong sense of healthy boundaries and self-worth.

A man telling you whatever bullshit you want to hear (but that he doesn't really mean) just so that he can repeatedly put his penis in your vagina, ignoring and overriding your wishes around safety, is not worth the risk of STIs, pregnancy (even at your age), and the continued erosion of your boundaries and self-worth.

He can't be that good in the sack. Start treating yourself with some respect.

Ffs. How about he simply respected her boundary and wore a condom like any decent human being and didn’t put her in this position in the first place.

I would assume because he's a rapey prick who doesn't give a shit about her boundaries, or being a decent human being?

Unless she wants to report him for rape (which she could, most likely), there's very little practically speaking that can be done except strengthening her boundaries, raising her self-worth, and not accepting shitty treatment from men who at best are disrespectful, and at worst are coercive rapists. If she's willing to keep accepting this treatment though, he's just going to keep doing it. She needs to stop it, because he won't.

Be single. Block this guy. Continue working on yourself. You aren't emotionally well enough to protect yourself from assholes and you deserve better.

Thank you. I thought that myself too. I felt i had put a boundary in place and told him I was no longer on the pill. He just went straight in anyway and said well ill need to be careful here.

Thanks you're correct. I thought I was but clearly not. Ive always had a problem setting boundaries and fear they will walk away unless I give them their way. Shocking really as I should let them walk away if they wont respect me. Im broken and dont know how to fix this

Thanks, i have no idea how to raise my self worth. I really have been working on it but this is a massive set back. However. I also hope for better from him and its clarified I can never see him again. I got my period when we had sex and he made out like this was a massive inconvenience, rather than the fact he wouldn't wear a condom. I then was apologising. Writing this down I can see its all so wrong. Its awful. I need to sort myself out

Of course he should of respected the boundary but he didn’t, OP then allowed him to go ahead anyway

Im broken and dont know how to fix this

The first step is to stop having relationship/situations and/or sexual relationships full stop. Block him, and delete all dating apps etc.

The second step is therapy regarding your abusive marriage. Statistically you are more likely to have a second abusive relationship if you don't do the right kind of therapy. The odds get higher the more bad relationships you have. Do The Freedom Programme. Invest in the right counselling. Contact your local DA group and see what they recommend. Read about the Shark Cage analogy.

The whole point of boundaries is for YOU to enforce them, a good man will respect them but a bad man will walk over them. It's good that you can verbalise your boundaries but now you need to find a way to assert them. You said no, then (because he isn't a good man) you needed to action that no by getting dressed and leaving the house.

If you were scared to say no then he wasn't a safe person to have sex with. Perhaps any relationship going forward if you realise you would be scared to say no, for any reason, then get out and stay out.

Verbally?

Or did you say “not without a condom” and he over-ruled you, and you stayed silent? Or did you actually say “ok then”

The two things are very different and I can’t believe all the women defending him here.

First step is blocking him. Don't let him contact you.

Thank you, i promise I will do all these things. Im a people pleaser and do not put my own needs first, ever. This may be the last straw where I realise it must change. This guy crossed a sexual boundary early in our relationship and instead of walking then, i was so desperate for attention after my awful marriage that I have stayed. Ive done so much work. I went to see him woth a good mindset. We get on well. I was not averse to having a casual situation but there's no way um doing it with such a lack of basic respect. If I went into details here about everything he has done, people would think im mad for going near him. I am hoping this incident is my wake up call to walk away for good now. Thanks for your advice

Hi op your post has hit a chord with me. Knowing in your head you should care but literally not feeling it is awful. Yes it’s a trauma response. I came out of a 9 year abusive relationship a long while ago now. I then went on to have several unsuitable relationships. Thankfully I went into therapy and still continue to this day. I discovered that subconsciously I had learned to shut my feelings down, my head could be screaming this is not right but emotionally I was numb literally didn’t feel it, didn’t care and it scared me. I know now I was locked into survival mode even though I had left the abusive situation years before. Therapy has helped me unpick everything and slowly but surely my thoughts and feelings are reconnecting. It’s taken time but it’s worth all the hard work. I completely stepped away from men and learned how to be comfortable on my own, gain control and independence. Now so much happier and as far as men are concerned I don’t take shit! Keep going with the therapy op, there’s is light at the end of that tunnel and you deserve all the happiness and peace it brings. Routing for you, you can do it

It is if you mean what you're saying. He's bad for you. It's going nowhere. Get some therapy or process then you will be able to do it.

I explained i wasn't on anything and he would need to cover up. He went in anyway and said he'd need to be careful. I then said yes, you cant finish inside. Whilst lying there gutted that id just said that. Clearly something wrong with me that I couldn't stand up for myself. Pretty awful for me to treat myself isn't it

OP you need to stop seeing this man and yes he is a predator.

If you tell a man that you won't have sex without a condom and he proceeds to have sex with you without a condom he is abusing you.

Some of the people commenting on this thread need to stop trying to suggest that the sex was 'consensual'.

Predators can spot people who are vulnerable and unable to stand up to coercion.

It is obvious that the OP has issues with boundaries and what is a healthy relationship and this man has been taking advantage of her.

OP you need to continue having counselling and getting to the bottom as to why you are allowing abusive men in your life again and again. They will keep mistreating you if you don't develop healthy boundaries.

This thread is really hard to read as I can't believe how many people, I assume most of them women, are trying to defend that man's behaviour.

You did not consent.

For consent to be valid it needs to be without coercion and not understanding duress.

You made it clear you did not want to do that.

Stealthing is a crime:
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/

What is stealthing?
So-called 'stealthing' is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission

The key points
The definition or meaning of the word 'stealthing' is when someone removes a condom during sex without the other person's consent or lies about having put one on in the first place.
Stealthing is rape under English and Welsh law. This means that someone who carries it out can be prosecuted for rape.
Like all rape, stealthing is a very serious crime that carries a maximum sentence of life in prison.
'Stealthing' is a slang word, not a legal term. The legal term for this act is 'rape'.