Am I under-reacting after he ignored my request to use a condom?

[Happyduck77]

So things finished with my situationship late last year. He ended it. It was awful timing. I wasn't a really bad place. Ive been doing therapy for other stuff, going to a life coach etc. Really working on myself and getting back into exercise and trying to love myself. This guy has kept coming back over and over. Its a very long story. Weve seen each other 2 times in last few months and most recently slept together. I told him he would have to wear a condom as i was no longer taking contraceptives, he said he'd just have to be careful and he pulled out. Im not worried about pregnancy as im late 40's and it wasn't the right time of the month. I just cant seem to get mad that he did this. Whats wrong with me? Do I think so little about myself. Was it really that bad? Im not even thinking about STI's- again, what is wrong with me?? I reckon im in some sort of trauma bond and ive worked so bloody hard to pick myself up after an emotionally abusive marriage and now this guy. Am I under reacting? I dont trust myself with this guy at all

No, it isn't. Stealthing is when a man says he is wearing a condom but isn't.

Read my post above quoting rape crisis.

The OP says:

I explained i wasn't on anything and he would need to cover up. He went in anyway and said he'd need to be careful. I then said yes, you cant finish inside. Whilst lying there gutted that id just said that. Clearly something wrong with me that I couldn't stand up for myself. Pretty awful for me to treat myself isn't it

The OP gave consent for sex with a condom. He ignored this and went in anyway. This meets the definition of rape. She did not consent. Once inside he tells her he would be careful and she says yes - whilst in the process of being raped. At the point that she's being raped she cant be considered to have consented. The yes is completely invalid. Because she's being raped and is under duress.

You have just told a woman who has been raped that she's consented and she has no reason to feel violated.

You need to read the definitions of what stealthing covers and understand she was raped.

Her description absolutely falls under the definition of rape.

No, it doesn't. She didn't say no, so it wasn't rape. I'm not saying it was nice or right, and she definitely needs to block him, but he was upfront about refusing to use a condom. Not nice, but not rape.

She said explicitly she required him to use a condom. He ignored this and went ahead anyway.

She did not say yes. She does not have to say no. She made it very clear what she was consenting to and what she wasn't consenting to.

The yes was only AFTER he was already in the process of raping her.

Your minimisation of this is appalling.

Don't be silly. He said that he was unwilling to use a condom, and she slept with him anyway. There is absolutely no point in her viewing this as rape, and certainly no point in reporting it as such. What she needs to do is block this man and steer clear of men and sex until she is better able to assert her boundaries.

You’ve been really brave to post on here and that’s because I think you have reached a ‘draw a line’ / watershed moment. You are articulating that he crossed your boundary and this has undermined the confidence you are trying to build.
Great move to now start accessing the Freedom resources.
You are worth more than this - and I do think you see this now. So please keep going with your self investment and don’t beat yourself up - this is his poor behaviour, not yours.
Make a list of all the reasons not to see him again - then look at it if he gets in touch and just ghost him. Blocking people and drama can just be a distraction from your positive purpose and journey- so don’t waste any more time or energy on him - he doesn’t deserve you.
Good luck 💐

I'm not being silly and your use of the word is offensive in this context.

Have you actually bothered to read the rape crisis definition or what the OP said?!

I have read what the OP said and it is not rape.

Have you blocked him and deleted his number?

So you admit you haven't actually read the Rape crisis definition.

You prove my point.

I did read it, it isn't what happened to the OP. It wasn't 'stealthing' or rape. He announced his intention to not wear a condom and she went along with it. That isn't nice, it is arguably manipulative, but it isn't stealthing and it does little good to the OP to say that it is. If it had been, it would be a different conversation, one which should probably involve the police. As it is, OP would be far better served by taking a break from dating/sex and firming up her boundaries so that she can tell the next man who 'refuses' to use a condom to hit the road.

She did consent she said when he said he’d have to be careful and then said ‘yes then you’ll have to be careful and not finish inside’ very much implies consent when what she should have said is ‘no, you must wear a condom’ OP knows this and need to deal with the reasons - and block this guy as he’s not helping her recover from past trauma.

Exactly.

There is something quite rapey about what you describe - he should have accepted that boundary and backed right off. Withdrawal is an unreliable form of contraception.

As PPs said: you can’t be in a sexual relationship with anyone right now as you are very vulnerable. You need to work on yourself as you have said. Definitely keep away from this guy. Do you have other people you can turn to for support and connection in real life?

.

You are saying here you knew he wasn't wearing a condom and you agreed anyway 🤷‍♀️

Thank you, this is fantastic advice. I really appreciate this. Yes, blocking does feel like it brings drama. I just want this situation to quietly go away and work on myself. Inwill do my best to do this

Not yet. I cant see him getting back in touch now. He seemed put out that I wasn't on the pill and then got my period during sex. Ive had a massive issue blocking him for whatever reason. Ive not been thinking straight

I couldn't say no. I dont know why. He did not care that id already asked him

WHY CANT YOU??? do you enjoy being a door mat to idiot men? Seek some therapy and dump him now.

If I could answer that id not be in this situation. I froze. I didn't feel like I was really there. I was worried id piss him off. Its an awful way to be. I know that

She verbally went along with it after he'd already entered her. He told her what he planned to do and then did it. Her silence between him saying that he'd pull out and him going in was not consent, given that she'd already said to use a condom.

If you're about to say "she should have said 'no'", she had already set her conditions. Have you never been dumbstruck by the brass neck of someone and been unable to articulate a response in the moment? The problem is him taking her conditions as a starting point for a renegotiation, not as a final answer, and him assuming that (or more likely, not caring whether) she accepted his counteroffer. She doesn't report that he said "I'll pull out, is that OK?"

I froze. I didn't feel like I was really there.

Look up "dissociation". You dissociated. It's a trauma sequela.

Do not have sex or date again until you've had therapy for your marriage. And take the Freedom Programme.

Bad men are attracted to traumatised women like catnip. The Freedom Programme aims to teach you how to spot them early, before they have you dissociating during sex.

I am trying and failing to envisage the situation as you describe. Unless he literally jumped on top of her, there was time for her to say no. That said, I certainly agree that she needs to stay far away from him, he sounds horrid. I just don't think that it is worth reporting this incident to the police.

She did say no.

She said only if he used a condom.

He ignored her and THEN said he'd be careful

That's rape.