Am I under-reacting after he ignored my request to use a condom?

[Happyduck77]

So things finished with my situationship late last year. He ended it. It was awful timing. I wasn't a really bad place. Ive been doing therapy for other stuff, going to a life coach etc. Really working on myself and getting back into exercise and trying to love myself. This guy has kept coming back over and over. Its a very long story. Weve seen each other 2 times in last few months and most recently slept together. I told him he would have to wear a condom as i was no longer taking contraceptives, he said he'd just have to be careful and he pulled out. Im not worried about pregnancy as im late 40's and it wasn't the right time of the month. I just cant seem to get mad that he did this. Whats wrong with me? Do I think so little about myself. Was it really that bad? Im not even thinking about STI's- again, what is wrong with me?? I reckon im in some sort of trauma bond and ive worked so bloody hard to pick myself up after an emotionally abusive marriage and now this guy. Am I under reacting? I dont trust myself with this guy at all

This is a form of rape called stealthinh

whippersnapper55
What is a situationship and how does that differ to a relationship? If he finished with you last year why are you still seeing him and sleeping with him?

I think a situationship means either a mutual friends with benefits arrangement, or a mutually agreed exclusively together arrangement, but not living together relationship due to situations I.e neither wanting to live together, not wanting to move to different location not wanting to remarry etc., or even not yet divorced from other people.

But perhaps it has other meanings to other people?

Don't grace him.with ur presence. He is vile. U deserve better

Are you working to try and understand the root cause of why you accept such a low level man?

Assume your therapist is getting into childhood, family etc?

Is that what happened?

She says that he said he would just be careful. That implies that she knew he wasnt going to put one on and carried on regardless and was ok with it.

I find some of these responses totally overblown, particularly categorising this as rape, my god. Ridiculous.

Theres a thread running at the moment about a man who was lied to about his grilfriend being on contraception. Hes now a father. Theres lots of victim blaming on there that he should have known/shouldnt have slept with her. No one is saying he has been coerced (well only a few outlying posters) or manipulated.

Absolutely this. You are not in the right place for any sort of relationship, casual or otherwise
You need to work on yourself and why you accept such low grade relationships.

Are you hoping that you might get pregnant and he will stay with you?

He said he wasn’t going to wear a condom and you still had sex with him.

You are aware he crossed a boundary of yours that you vocalised, but ultimately you didn’t stick to your boundary either.

You shouldn’t be around him because for some reason you cannot be assertive enough to keep yourself safe and stick to your own boundaries.

Now you need to discover if the reason you didn't stick to your boundary is due to lack of belief in yourself, or because you have some kind of fear of him?

If it’s because you don’t believe you have the right to have boundaries and for other people to respect them, then you need to work on that before getting into any more relationships.

You didn’t stand on your boundary though. Why didn’t you tell him no, he has to wear one?

No it’s not. He told her what he was doing and then she agreed to have sex with him

You seem a bit confused @Happyduck77 . You say you were a willing participant but then he crossed your boundary. So which was it. I think he crossed your boundary and you're looking for advice around this?

Why are you so desperate for sex? It is yuck. Yes, think about it everyone - it really is!

You asked him to use a condom. He refused.

That's when you should have kicked him out.

Yes, you're extremely undereacting if you went ahead and had sex with him.

Go get full STI testing. Block his numbers. Any man that won't use a condom when asked to in a non monogamous relationship is a waste of time and energy.

You’ve made some really positive steps. Make another one by cutting this guy loose.

Yes, I know exactly why I accept it. Im working on my self esteem

Absolutely not. I could not be in a full blown relationship with this man and definitely do not want any children with him

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
He is scum.
Stay away from him.
You so deserve better.

Thats what im severely struggling with. Its not the 1st time he has crossed a boundary either.

Because im to weak and didnt want him to get passed off with me. I dont know how to stand up for me. I tried

I mean he saw your NO as a negotiation. That’s not cool.
No need for anyone to be claiming assault cause it wasn’t. But it’s still nasty. And you shouldn’t be around people like that.

I mean even if he was a decent person, you not being able to tell him your needs and stand your ground about them shows he isn’t someone to keep around. Cause he’s not a safe space.

Bin him off.

Thanks, ive just downloaded it. I meant to do it months ago but had too much to deal with. Thanks for reminding me. Im starting it tonight

That's not what stealthing is. She was aware of the lack of condom but didn't say no.

You've blocked and deleted his number then?

Nope, ive had massive anxiety over this for months. Ive deleted him so many times but not blocked as i dont want him in my phone with temptation there. I want nothing to do with him. Ive tried

If you wanted nothing to do with him you'd block him.