Is he cheating? Urgent advice please!

[mouseymouse123]

Need urgent advice please because I don't know what to make of this and I'm incapable of keeping my emotions in! Months ago I found the back of an earring on my bed and confronted DH because I'm sure it wasn't mine, he was very convincing that there was nothing untoward going on. Naive as this may sound I don't think he's the sort that would cheat, I don't see how he'd even have the time for it (he works full time and we have 2 young DC). So I chalked it up to the cleaner/something I'd forgotten that got caught up and moved inadvertently.

This evening I have just found half a fake nail on my upstairs landing and I have no explanation of where it could have come from. I've fully panicked and managed to look through DHs phone. I didn't find anything on WhatsApp, Facebook or text messages.

I do not know what to do. I want to confront him because I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but I assume if anything IS going on he will just play it off again. What should I do? Apologies for the rushed and possibly incoherent message! x

@Nyungnyung

I am sorry but I believe you have posted on the wrong thread. Maybe you could report your reply and MN can delete it - esp as it will confuse the Op.

Thank you for asking. I am surviving. We spoke on Tuesday, he gave me a speech about how sorry he is and how he's desperate to fix things. I only wanted to discuss practicalities and he was totally cooperative. I haven't mentioned divorce but told him I need space, and we have sorted a nesting rota. I have gathered what documents I can find and have two consultations booked with solicitors next week.

We are telling the kids about the nesting plan after school today and I'm absolutely terrified. I don't think the youngest will understand but my 6yo will be heartbroken. I have been crying all morning. Hopefully getting it out of my system so I can keep it together when we talk later.

You are being so strong!

Are you not worried about having hookers in your bed during his “nesting” time? He’s done it before.

Hang in there, you’ve got this. Remember it’s not you that has put your family in this situation. Keep talking to us, we’re here for you.

You are doing really well, it sounds like you are handling this with a lot of dignity and self respect and really sensibly with having some appointments with solicitors booked in.

I can’t imagine how scary it must feel to tell your children later on. Sending you strength! Make sure the kids know you both still love them ❤️‍🩹

As someone else said, keep talking to us, we are here for you ❤️‍🩹

This!

I realise that you're trying the nesting as a compromise solution for your DCs but after the nail and earring back, I think it's highly likely he's had these escorts in your home. What is to stop him repeating this with you out of the picture for days at a time?

I don't know what other option I have. I want to keep things as stable as possible for the kids, plus his mother's house is unsuitable for them to stay at. So the only other thing possible would be to kick him out entirely, which I cannot legally do, and would mean the kids don't see him at all. That would ultimately turn things into war which I want to avoid at all costs for the kids sake.

Do you have somewhere suitable to go during this nesting time?
You must have very clear boundaries that no other person is in the house during his time. Any breach of that and the arrangement is finished.

Good luck 💐

Get a Ring (or equivalent) doorbell for all entrances and explain to him that you're doing this for the children's (and your) safety and security. That should be enough to prevent him bringing anyone home, unless he is very stupid. (Sorry if you've already mentioned that you've got one).

You are amazing. Well done.

I think the chances he will repeat the offence with the kids there are slim. He’d know this would be a safeguarding issue. He’d be stupid to. I think he’ll be on his best behaviour - until you start divorcing him. Then many men turn nasty. It’s a sad pattern.

OP, you’re being amazing and strong for the children - I take my hat off to you. Re bedrooms I think you mentioned you had a spare one; might it be worth you each having your own bedroom as a private space? In a group I’m on a woman is trying “nesting” and she found it really uncomfortable having to navigate around his personal items.

I can see that you are trying to do the very best for your kids, but as you know his past behaviour is very troubling.

Maybe some kind of strict ground rules that no "partners" of any sort should be in the house at any time. Only family and friends. If he subsequently is found to be breaking this (and personally I'd be looking at getting a ring door bell in your position), then obviously the nesting would become untenable.

Hopefully he is capable of being a better man than he has been. I wish you all the very best x

You're doing the best with what you have now. Just remember to keep an eye out for 'goings on' at the house and also remember that you can stop or alter the nesting arrangement if you find he's not holding up his end of the agreement or if you see evidence of other women in the house.

Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of protecting your kids during this uncertain time. They’re very lucky to have you x

Hi again, I'd really like some advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation. I've looked at finances and I could just about manage to buy my STBX out of our family home, however it would leave me rather tight on monthly cashflow and I'm not sure if it would be sustainable in the long run. I'm wondering what would be best course of action...

1. Buy him out and stay in the family home, even if just for a year or two, and see how it goes, with the knowledge that we can move and downsize at a later date. I'm thinking this would minimise the immediate changes for my DCs (3 and 6) and maintain a bit more stability right now. The move can happen when they have settled a bit more after the divorce.

1. Sell up as part of the divorce and downsize so we're comfortable with monthly cashflow. It would be really hard on DCs but would get it all over and done with in one hit, rather than have another unsettling change shortly down the line.

Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated xx

Speak to an independent mortgage advisor. I can give you the email of an ace one. I bought my ex out of our house with a baby and low wage in the mix. Wouldnt have made the jump without him saying it was all feasible (although granted, it was 17 years ago and my mortgage repayments were very small/but relative), 17 years on I've nearly paid off my second house completely with a different husband. Things always work out xx

Id do it all in one hit. Id be worried about the impact of being overstretched. No point in having a house but not being able to afford to live.

Personally, I'd buy him out.
It's far less upheaval in the short term, get's him out quicker than selling up, and you have the option to downsize in the future.
But it depends just how tight the cashflow would be. You don't want to be really struggling month to month.
What other assets are there - don't forget his pension.

I would down size because if you are stretching yourself on a monthly basis, all it takes is a few unexpected bills and it may tip you over the edge ( this is me every month btw).

It depends how tight it would be.

Would a car breakdown be a disaster for example, or would it mean you can't save for a couple of years? The former, sell the house. The latter, buy him out.

Only you can decide based on what figures you are happy with.

And dont forget there are many types of stability. Living with a calm happy mummy in a new house with broadly the same lifestyle, is better than staying in the house they know with a tired worried mummy who keeps having to say "no" to things they used to be able to do because money is so tight.

Option 1 will be less disruptive for rhe children. You could apply for a divorce that will take a few months and the financial issues even longer. Often a Judge will order a mother can remain in the matrimonial home until all children finish their education before paying a husband off. That happened to me. Get some legal advice to discuss your options. Wish you well.

Downsize. You don’t want to be living in a constant state of stress with the worry of a high mortgage. Yes it’s a lot of change but it’s like ripping the bandaid off, best to do it all at once so that the kids can settle into their new normal.

You’ll be less stressed because you won’t be worrying about money as much and you won’t be stuck living in the home filled with memories of your ex. It’s a fresh new start.

I could have bought my ex out but I'm so glad I was the one to leave.
Staying in a home I shared with him, lived our married lives in would have meant a constant reminder of what had happened.
He stayed in the house (through laziness in his case) but my kids love my new home. They adapted very well.
My son was almost 5 when I got my new house and I think they adapt better when they are younger.
I have friends who bought their ex out and wished they hadn't. They had real issues with boundaries as the ex still treated it as theirs in a way and would just walk in and make a drink. The ex also left loads of their stuff that my friend had to sort and dispose of.